Dp and I split today, tomorrow we have to tell dd1 :(

[MrsRhettButler]

:( I'm feeling sad but it's going to be heartbreaking to have to tell Dd1, she's 6 :(

We've split on good terms and have decided to tell her together and stress that it's no ones fault, that we're just not getting on. That we're sad and it's OK to be sad and we both love her.

Not sure what I'm asking but I've no one to talk to in rl.

Dd2 won't notice, she's only 9mo

I'm soooo sad for Dd1, she's very close to her dad and he with her.

I have no advice to give you as I have no experience of this.

I just wanted to hold your hand as you are clearly very sad although reconciled to the split.

Im so sorry hun Its good that you have ended on good terms, a united front is vital in these things.
She will be upset obviously, but if you are getting along, then you STBXH can come over for tea times etc. and stress the fact that she can see/talk to him when she wants.
Do you think family holidays will still be on the cards?

She will take you better than you expect if you don't make a big drama out of it.

DS was 6 when I split from his dad and in much turmoil and he has been fine.

I split with my ex in a surprisingly amicable way given his behaviour. He still has a great relationship with DD (4.9). I think some of this is because we're still able to be in each other's company without rancour and she can see that although we're no longer together we are friends. My DD sees her daddy nearly every week and he looks after her overnight (at my house) when I have to be away for work. She has been to his house and met his new partner (this was hard for me but she was fine and had a lovely time).

My point is that if she has regular access and you're able to remain friendly it can be ok. Good luck.

Tbh I doubt it will come as a total surprise to her. It didn't for me, when my parents divorced. It was painful, but then my father was crap at maintaing the relationship between us. If you and your ex stay on friendly terms and he'll have lots of contact than she'll be ok.

Op, don't have experience of this either but can certainly understand how sad you'd be feeling, and especially when you're telling dd.

This is a difficult time. I hope it gets easier. Keep posting with your feelings on it all of it helps at all, we'll be here. x

Thank you all, not sure where we are really, we both still love each other but are not making each other happy :(

Can I ask those of you who have been through it, did the access with dad go straight to weekends only or did they see each other more to begin with? Dd is used to seeing him every single day for her whole life, bedtimes, jump in bed with us for her morning cuddle etc.

I havnt been through this from your point of view, but i am from a broken family. My dad left when i was 12, and from then on i saw him every thursday and then had holidays with him occasionally. If i had asked though i would have been able to go see him whenever, but i never asked.
I wish my parents split had been amicable, that makes a huge difference.

We've done week with me, week with dad with DS (10) since he was four, so basically from the moment we split up (maybe a after a month or two as ex had to find a suitable place for DS to have his own room). We also live close to each other, so I often see him by school gates when I go to pick up DD, or he pops in to get something he's forgotten.

But id she stays with you, than I guess seeing her dad lots would be best, as seeing him for only a few hours a week might be a bit of a shock for her? She might feel rejected?

That's what I was thinking Winny, it will be a massive shock for her.

I guess we'll say she can phone him whenever she needs to (which I anticipate being at least every morning and evening) although I suspect in time she'll get used to not seeing him so much and wont feel the need.

I've told him he can see them whenever he wants to, we're going to try and make it as easy as possible for each other but I know this doesn't always work out.

I look after my LN a lot (overnight stays weekends and week days whilst his widowed Mum works) and we found that telling LN that he could phone Mum any time works well.

I know it is a different situation, but it is the absolute positivity for the child that they can contact the absent parent whenever they need to helps them to accept the circumstances.

LN phones Mum at 8.30pm each night and I then leave the phone by his bedside as I settle him. He has rarely used it in the last 5 years but the phone is better than a 'comfort blanket'.

LN = Little Nephew

I think the key is for him and you to committ to 50/50 or some type of shared care very early on, so you make it clear you expect him to be there, doing the baths, the pickups, not just one weekend every two weeks. So, he will need to live close and have room for her as you may not want him at yours.

Once the departing father moves a way away or stays somewhere that there's no possibility of the child staying, then the pattern of much less contact is started. You might think this is better, as you are the parent with more contact, but in the long run, having two equally involved parents is better than one, and it seems to me that mums often end up doing all the shitty stuff like school uniforms and school runs, and the dads get the fun weekend with little responsibility. I'd make it clear that parental responsibility is shared from the off and that might mean adapting his plans (if he is the one moving out).

How are you feeling today, mrs?

MrsRB - how did it go with DD? Are you OK?

I agree with Mumsyblouse - really think about what you want going forward. I kow DD is only 9 months, but we all know how quickly time goes (and he's just as able to look after her) Do you want shared care where he's as responsible as you for their day to day care/school holidays or do you just want him to be 'weekend' Dad while you have all the responsibilty etc. I know it's early days, but it's important to be clear in your thinking. Of course you want them with you 24/7, it's natural, but this also means that you will be the one who has to pay for childcare if you want/need to work (not him), you will be the one needing to organise school holiday care if you want/need to work (not him), buying uniforms, making them eat their veg & do their homework while he gets to be Disney Dad. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot.

I hope it can be as amicable as you think it will be, it certainly makes life easier for everyone.

In our case, DS talks with his dad twice a week over msn.

Over the past year they have been with each other only a few times.

DS is doing well.

I hope your conversation went alright.

Hi, thanks for asking, it actually went quite well, she cried at first and said she didn't want him to move out but we spoke to her and explained she can call whenever she wants and he will come and see her most days.

Re care, it won't be 50/50 at least at first as he doesn't have a place he can take them to. I'm hoping when he gets his own place he will have them at least 2 nights a week as I work two nights but we'll see, we haven't properly discussed it yet.
And yes he's more than capable of looking after both of them so no issues there, he's a very hands on dad

I'm feeling sad but not as much as I thought I would be maybe I'll be up and down but right now I feel good as it was the right thing to do :)

Mrs RB - I'm glad it went as well as could be expected - I think so long as she knows he will always be there for her...

I remember having to break it to my two (11 & 5 at the time) Ex-dh had met someone else, and carried on his affair regardless, so I asked him to leave.

The 11 year old boy reacted with absolute rage at first - he was incandescent. I took him down to the punchbag to try to get some of it out, cos it was all locked up inside him, the hurt etc. After a while, he let it out on the punchbag, then we both sat on the floor and cried. Then he phoned all his friends to tell them (the school playground was agog the next day ) - but it is what he felt he needed to do - to access support from his mates... Two weeks later he was much more settled.

Now - he says (3 years down the line) that it was the not knowing and things feeling out of control, but he said that even in a few days he felt much better, once it was clearer how it was all going to pan out, and when he'd seen his dad, and we settled into a routine.

The 5 year old (boy) was a different story. I told him about mum and dad not getting on any more, and about different kinds of love, and how daddy and me loved them just the same, but daddy wouldn't be sleeping here anymore, but they would still see him etc etc.

He looked thoughtful... and said "So - dad isn't going to sleep here, you still like each other, but he isn't going to stay here at night, and he still loves me just as much, and we can see him at weekends, and in the week, and if I want to phone him I can, and if I get stuck with my homework, he can come round, and anytime like that?"

"Yes" I said simply

"Well that doesn't sound too bad - but mum? now dads gone....?"

"Yeeees?" I said - waiting for the bombshell

"Can we get a dog?"

Not QUITE what I was expecting!

Ex-dh works long hours ( a G.P ) and often wasn't home till after bedtime (affair not withstanding) anyway, and after a couple of months, the oldest lad said to me "You know - it isn't really much different - he's still there, comes round takes us out - we see him about the same as before really - except this Christmas, I'm going to try the guilt card when writing my christmas wish list!"

I quickly disabused him of that notion!

In fact ex-dh did go through a phase of buying them lots of stuff at first to try to compensate, and letting them get away with stuff he wouldn't normally - Ds1 alerted me to that

"You know mum - I think dad feels guilty cos he buys us more stuff, and bedtimes got later.. it feels weird.." I had a quiet friendly word with ex, and things got back to normal. Ds1 was exceedingly switched on about the whole thing really - they both dealt with it really well.

Now - 3 years down the line - ex and I have a good relationship - he moved in with the OW, and the boys like her. We sit down once a month with the calendar and the boys, and between us work out who is going where etc. The arrangment on paper is every other weekend, and one eve per week.

In reality, we mix and match. I might be working a weekend, either of us might want to keep a particular weekend free for something, one of the boys might want to stay at mine because of a party mid-way through the weekend, or one might have a sleepover, and need to be in a particular place etc. We both try to make sure the other person gets a break too. It works out to about the same, and all of us are happy.

Ex-dh has been known to hoof it round when ds1 was having a crisis with his physics homework, when ds2 got an infected finger, and I wasn't sure if it needed an appointment, when the boiler broke down, andf it was minus 10 outside, when my sis was in hospital, he took the kids at very short notice, and when his washing machine broke down, he used mine... When I work an early shift, he comes round at 7 am to get youngest ready for school, so I can go to work etc

It's been a learning curve for us all - it really has - but now - it works well!

Sorry for the epic essay! x

MrsRhett - My sympathies. Well done for keeping the split civil. That will be the single best thing you can do for your DDs.

Thank you pixwix for sharing your experience, it sounds like you have done really well at keeping your boys happy, I really hope we can do that for our dd's.

I'm still feeling good about it all but the dd's have been keeping me busy, not sure how I'll feel after I put them to bed.

Mrs RB - It sounds like you are doing a really great job already! You are both coming from the same place, and doing the absolute best for your daughters.

As well as what you are already doing (keeping your childrens emotional welfare to the front of your mind) don't forget yourself. Keep talking about how you are feeling, get support if needed, and look after yourself.

You might be fine when they are in bed - or once the distraction has gone, and the adrenaline, you might feel a bit wobbly - either way - just accept what you are feeling.

If you want to pm me (I know you don't me from adam, but still...) thats fine too x

Thanks pix, well we've just had a bit of a hysterical bedtime :( she was crying and getting very worked up about it all, sttamping feet and pulling at her hair :(

She'd just spoken to him on the phone and he's coming tomorrow morning to walk the dogs with us, she's also upset because he's going to take one of the dogs with him as soon as he has somewhere stable to live, they're big dogs and I can't handle them both with the buggy.

Dd2 is very unsettled too which is unlike her, not sure how much she's picking up on at 9mo? She's been ill this weekend also which hasn't helped.

I'm feeling ok still but obviously upset for dd1 :(

Oh Mate - of course you are upset for dd1 it's unsettling for you all.

It is very early days yet, and you haven't all had chance to get into a routine. The first few weeks are the hardest. Once she realises that things are different - but still the same in many ways, she will be fine. But it takes time, for all of you. At the moment, it will be very much day to day, and you will have to see where it takes you. Be extra loving and reassuring, but keep the boundaries, for her security.

Having said that when ex left - we all piled into my bed for a couple of months or so whilst we adjusted - both have left my bed now, but very occasionally ds2 comes in for a while, if I'm not at work the next day...

Hang in there X

Its hard when it comes to bounderies and stuff like that, she slept in my bed last night and asked to again tonight but i said not tonight. I feel bad for saying no now but did say that some nights she can but I think she should not get too used to being in with me as sometimes the baby wakes up and I don't want her sleep to be disturbed. Maybe I did the wrong thing :(

She kept coming downstairs saying she can't sleep because she's sad but part of me thinks its her new excuse (she is notorious for using excuses not to sleep) she was very upset earlier but then she just kept coming to say she's sad and can she have a biscuit

I know I have to keep things normal for her and part of that is still keeping the same rules we've always had for her. If the baby is more settled tomorrow night I'll let her sleep in my bed again.

I also want to text him or call him and tell him how hard it is and how upset she is but that's pointless isn't it? I'm just so used to discussing everything with him :( I've got to get used to dealing with things by myself