Would this annoy you, or am I being over-sensitive?

[mamhaf]

Some backgrounds...our family life is extremely busy - dh's job has become more pressured because of redundancies, so fewer people doing the same amount of work and atm I'm working on an extremely busy project, working 6 days a week (the project finishes in a couple of weeks, thankfully, and I'll then be back to a normal, but still busy, job).

One of our dc is at uni, the other doing GCSEs, and she also plays sport to a high level which means we run her around a lot for that.

Anyway, I'm getting increasingly pee-d off with dh hurrying me along like a child. An example - last night, I was due to get home at about 7.45pm and we'd agreed to go to a local restaurant rather than cook. I know they stop serving at 8.30, he knows I know that. So, as soon as I walk in through the door, he starts chivvying me along to get ready. This really annoyed me - I'd just done over 11 hours in the office and all I needed was a shower and change and I'd be ready to go... I didn't need him hassling me and reminding me.

We ended up having a row and then a takeaway and bottle of wine. All ok, and we decided to go for a quick walk this morning before both taking dc2 to a sport event. Again, we didn't have much time for the walk and we'd both agreed in advance what time we needed to be back in the house in order to get her there.

You'd think, wouldn't you, that he'd know not to do the same thing as last night and start hurrying me up - we had enough time to get back to the house and then set off again.

But, no, we were walking back and I started a conversation with him (without slowing down) only for him to interrupt and say "you'll have to talk and walk quickly". Ffs I know that - I'm not a child.

I blew my top this time - I know he's stressed, but I'm sick of that turning into him stressing me unneccessarily and talking down to me. Anyway, he's now gone off with dc2 on his own - we were meant to go together so we'd actually see a bit of each other.

This probably sounds minor, but what annoys me is that he's not listening when I ask him not to do it and ask that he treats me like an adult.

Doing less stressful jobs is the long-term answer, but not an option atm, and I actually enjoy my job despite the pressures.

Your thoughts?

Yes that would have annoyed me too. I also have a very busy job - I run all day some days and need at least an hour of sitting down when I walk thro the door!

I'd calmly ask him not to chivvy you anymore and then try and get back to relaxing.

Hope you have a lovely weekend x

Do you think this is a 50/50, half a dozen of one six of the other type situation?

You both sound stressed out to me

The thing is, I do know how to relax and while work is pressured, the enjoyment I get from it isn't stress as such - and I make a conscious effort not to bring that home... a quick shower and then a pleasant meal would have been enough for me to unwind.

So, I don't think it's 50/50 tbh - I'm much better at handling pressure than he is, and will say what I think assertively when I can, whereas dh will resort to passive-aggressive (eg I'd suggested we drive to a different restaurant last night, but he has a lot of driving to do with dd2 this weekend and didn't want to, but instead of just saying that, he harrumphed "I suppose I'll have to").

And I really wanted to enjoy the walk this morning, get out in the countryside before cracking on with all the other things that we needed to do - but he couldn't switch off enough for us both to do that.

I don't think it is that unreasonable of him, no. Some things you have to let wash over you? My ex always insisted on being early, leaving early to avoid the rush etc whereas one thing I love now is being able to linger for as long as I lke - a day out lasts so much longer!!! You've just got different make ups!!!

But I don't ever make us late - a friend I went away with recently reckoned I was the quickest woman she'd ever seen getting ready. So that's what annoys me... I don't need to be reminded - if we've agreed a time, I stick to it.

It would annoy me too, tbh. Part of it is the injustice - there's no need to tell me to do something, implying that I would otherwise do it "wrong" - and the other part is being treated like a child, yes.

You are both stressed at the moment so I wouldnt get to worked up with each other.Let things go a bit in the nezxt 2 weeks.
Other thing you can do,is say to him,well I will right down each time I make you late.Keep the paper in his line of sight.If nothing is ever written on the paper,then voila!

Sorry, meant to add things and pressedpost too soon.

Try asking him pertinent questions:
Have I ever made us late? No? well why do think I would make us late now?
If you don't believe I'm making us late, why are you trying to hurry me up? You're just creating more stress in our environment.

Things like that - make him stop and think about what he's saying and why he's doing it.

I've known both sides of this.

One ex was obsessed with being early for everything and would constantly hurry me and treat me like a child who was stalling walking to school. One particular incident - we had a flight for 10am. I feel it reasonable to get to the airport 2 hours early for shorthaul. To get to the airport for 8am we would need to have set off at 6.30am. But oh no - he wanted to set off at 4am!! I said no way was I hanging around an airport for that long but apparantly he was "putting his foot down" (which got my back up straight away) and we WOULD be setting off at 4am. Well - I'm a stubborn cow and guess who needed to stop at motorway service stations a million times on the way down yes we set off at 4am but I made sure a one and half hour journey took 3 hours.

From the other side though, I had an ex who just couldn't be on time for anything. He would tell me he'd be at my house for around 12pm - he'd arrive at 4pm and say "sorry if I'm a bit late". 4 fucking hours is not "a bit late".
One time we were due to be in Manchester for 7pm for a gig. Manchester is one and a half hours from where I live. He said he'd be at my house for 5pm. Well - 5.30pm he texts me saying he'll be "a bit late" I text back saying "well we need to set off from here NOW to get there on time!" he replied back saying "I'll try and hurry".

6pm he arrives. I gather my things together and head out to the car. He then says "what are you doing? I'm not going yet! I need food, I need a shower ..."

Fucking imbecile.

Why are people either ridiculously early or stupidly late? how is it so difficult to be punctual??

Sorry, I'm inclined to think it's a 50/50 situation too. You are both stressed and busy, but just because you handle your stress in a different way from his, doesn't necessarily mean your way is better.
He gets stressed and that manifests itself in him chivvying you along, and you are stressed and that manifests itself in you being less tolerant.

Surely you were just playing into his hands Crazy by proving his point that you did nned to leave at 4 am as the journey to airport took 3 hours!!!!!!

Isla - I do think my way is better because it doesn't have an adverse affect on anyone else. He's had stress counselling in the past, I think he may need to have it again as his job isn't going to get any easier.

This would really piss me off. But I don't think it's any more than you both handling stress in different ways, like other posters have said.

Have you explained to him without losing your temper that you find his chivvying really annoying and it's unnecessary? What does he say? If you've never made either of you late for anything, what's his justification for doing it?

Think amillionyears has a good suggestion.

I have to chivvy my partner endlessly but then he always makes us late for stuff. Since he's learnt the error of his ways, life has been much happier.

It is a bit controlling of your partner. If everything else is good in your relationship, I'd let it go, just don't enter into a discussion, get ready and ignore him as you know that you'll be on time.

If it's symptomatic of other issues, then maybe you need to have a word.

OP you are making out that you are totally zen and a master of stress yet you've blown your top twice in 24 hours over something relatively small.

My husband does this as he hates being late whereas I'm a bit more chilled out so I know it's annoying and when I'm stressed I will make a deal of it but when I'm not I patronise tell him calmly that it's ok and that we will get to x on time and to relax.

You seem to be treating it as a competition.
You have stress and deal with it by unwinding with a shower and meal.
He has stress and shouts at you.

You could show him this thread.it might help

mamhaf, you said you had a row last night and you 'blew your top this morning' so maybe you are a wee bit intolerant.
The row you had last night resulted in your night out being cancelled, which obviously did have an adverse effect on someone else.
I'm not saying who is more to blame, you asked for opinions, but you don't want to hear that some of it just might be your fault too.

Au contraire, I came here to ask for opinions and I do think I might be at fault too - having a few hours away from each other now is probably a good thing.

I did blow my top this morning because it was so frustrating that he was doing the same thing again today that had pee-d me off so much last night. I sometimes feel like part of the furniture - my feelings don't get acknowledged unless I get very annoyed about something (which doesn't happen often) - if I say something assertively it doesn't seem to sink in with him.

Im getting the idea that there are deeper issues than a row when both of you are stressed.

"if I say something assertively it doesnt seem to sink in with him"
how long has this been going on?since he has been stressed or before that.

It sounds to me like you are trying to fit too much in. Whose idea was the walk and meal? SOunds like the takeaway was the best plan anyway given your long day, and why go for a walk when you obviously had a busy day ahead?

Why not spend more time relaxing during your time together, rather than trying to fit in so many things? Especially as you both sound tired, stressed and quick to get angry?

There is clearly more to this than you are admitting. You also seem to not be happy that not everyone agrees with you. Its seems to me like a 50/50 situation. But you say you feel you maybe at fault, he rest of your posts don't read like that. It seems there is more than just this aspect of his personality that's stressing you. Maybe you should both have stress counselling.

We've been together a long time, so there are obviously some areas of contention in such a relationship... and when we're both up against it, that's going to come out more.

In terms of there being more to it than I'm admitting, yes, there probably is, in that I am the one who thinks about how we nurture our relationship while he will just bumble along and sometimes treat me with less respect than I should have until I get annoyed about it.

He'll then be a bit more thoughtful for a while before reverting to his old ways... eg he may well arrive home now with an apology and some flowers. Or maybe not. But it always takes me getting annoyed for something to change, and I'm definitely more tolerant if I'm not under so much pressure.

I wonder if you're trying to do too much?

Meal out at a restaurant closing at 8.30? I wouldn't if I couldn't get home til 7.45. In itself it sounds stressful to me.

Nice walk in the countryside when you have 30 mins precisely and a long to do list? It's a four day weekend! Why not have a nice coffee instead and walk another day.

I don't agree with the speaking to you like your a dawdling child, but I think you could both make leisure choices that make your lives easier, not harder.

It's not a four-day weekend for us - I'll be in work tomorrow and the bank holidays, and dh will be in work Tuesday. He's taking dd2 to a tournament 2 hours away tomorrow.

We don't have much leisure time and not a great deal of choice.

Unlucky about the bank hols, hope you get a break some other time :)

Ok you could have done countryside walk last night as if it was like here it was light and warm until late. This would have meant you didn't need to get ready and didn't have to be at x at y time.

You could do meal tonight where in theory you can be easily at the restaurant before 8.30 or another night where you're not so time limited.

I deliberately choose places that are easy when we're busy. I think rushing around can be stressful. Can you look at what you do for fun and see if it can be made less stressful?