Complicated families - half-siblings you don't know/see - that sort of thing.

[Tinker]

It's not me but my daughter. Just want to let off steam really but wondered if anyone else has been in a similar position. This weekend my daughter is going to meet her half-brother whom she has never met. Which is good, non? But I feel very strange about it. I suppose I feel I'm losing some control.

Long story but my daughter was a 'secret' for a long time to her father's family. Glasnost was about 3 years ago and I've found it quite unsettling. Has anyone else met half-siblings later in life or do any of you have children who have them - there must be lots surely? Has it been difficult or complicated in any way?

A friend has (she was adopted and had since met her BM and half siblings). I think she found it fine. She still sees them regularly. I suspect like anything it will depend on the families involved. Hope it goes well for your dd- and I can understand why it would feel strange.

I have one half brother that my father doesn't know I know about. My mother met him recently and said he is the spit of my dad at the same age. Don't think he knows that my dad is his. All very odd but I don't think I should rock the boat. Don't think my brother knows.

Tinker not the same but I have no contact with my half-siblings through choice. I think if both parties want to have a relationship then it should be okay. But obviously it is complicated but it would be complicated if she didnt see him aswell

i think its much better for them to meet now while young,also you have more control over the situation and what your daughter does or doesnt do so you can obviously lok out for her/protect her.i met my two half siblings in my twenties,they were in their late teens,unfortunately they didnt want to meet me really or to maintain contact.so allin all i think it is better now rather than later.hope it all goes wellfor you and your daughter.you are right to be giving her this chance to meet her siblings.

CD- that sounds totally bizarre! What a strange situation. Certainly sounds best to keep quiet!

Wow, thanks for the replies already.

CD - that does sound tricky

Agree completely that it is better that they meet now and know about each other - my daughter is 6, her half-brother is 8. She also has a half-sister who is too young to know. It was the little boy who wanted to come up and meet her which seems like a good sign, just hope one doesn't decide they don't want to meet again. My daughter tells everyone she meets that she has a brother and sister. Found it quite heartbreaking when I saw a picture in one of her school books showing us all together as a 'family'. Just wish I was in a nuclear family sometimes.

Oh Tinker. She's got a fab family- you- and she wouldn't want to change that for anything, I'm sure. Please don't forget that, hon. She's a lucky wee girl, I think. Really hope the meeting goes well for her though, and will have a think about people I know who've been through this and what it was like for them. I know a couple of adults who've met "secret" half siblings and I think it was more difficult because they were adults and it's good that she's able to do this now rather than later on. It might be worth having a bit of a chat about what she imagines things might be like and reminding her that people aren't always as we imagine them, if you haven't done this already. She's always come across as a bright, imaginative child from your posts and it may be a good idea to check out what sort of ideas she has, in case they are potentially unrealistic. Without dismissing her excitement, I'd definitely remind her gently that it might take time for her to get to know and like her brother in real life, for instance, and that no one, especially not 8 year old boys IME, is perfect- everyone has good and bad points. Has she seen photos etc/talked to her brother on the phone or anything? Does she know him at all? I think it could be important to validate her feelings- whether she is nervous or excited or seemingly unaffected- so that she is clear that you are supportive and ok about her making contact with this relatively newly discovered side of the family. Agree with jimjams that it's not surprising you feel strange but do keep your chin up, babes. You and your daughter can do this.

I don't know why you're upset, Tinker. Is it more to do with your DD's father's family than the half-sibling issue? You shouldn't feel inferior because your household doesn't meet some story-book example of the "perfect" family. Come on now, you're being silly....

5-6 years ago we found out that one of my aunts had given up a baby for adoption in 1969. Aunt and lost-DD were reunited, very very emotional but for my aunt's other children and the rest of us cousins it has been wonderful; we couldn't be happier to find out about her. But it has been hard for the adopted-out cousin, her adopted mother is very threatened by this contact with the birth mother, doesn't help what was apparently not a very good relationship to start with. You don't want your DD to detect any seeming disapproval or jealousy from you, if she wants to maintain contacts with her half-sib.

I'll tell you what's tough in half-sibling families, my friend (S.) has a step-mother who is 3 years her senior, and a half-sister who is only 2 years younger than S.'s own children. S. finds this VERY Difficult.

Oh, and if you really want to get complicated... one of my cousins has been told a lie all his life about who is real father is!! I can't believe his mother perpetuated this lie, esp. as the supposed father disappeared when cousin was a baby, but I think Aunty has left it too late and it would just do poor cousin's head in now to know the truth. But The truth will out, some day, though, blood tests or something.

zebra this friend you are describing is me. My Father has got 1 child who is 10 months older than my daughter and 2 sons and a daughter that are younger than both of his grandchildren (my kids). He and My step-mum used to talk to me as if I was some stupid little schoolgirl who couldnt cope with having such young children, and amongst other things I just couldnt keep contact with them anymore. I think it can be very complicated.

Tinker I agree it would most probably be better for them to have contact whilst they are young. Especially as there is only 2 years difference. Hope it goes well

I have a half sister 16 years younger than me and she is great and I have a good relationship with her although it only really developed in the last 2 or 3 years - since she became more mature I guess. But what still upsets me (although it probably shouldn't), is that my Dad has been a much much better Dad to her than he ever was to me - across the whole spectrum. More loving, affectionate, supportive, around more etc. But what gets my back up is also the materialistic things like they bought her a car when she got her licence, and they are going to pay for her to go to uni etc.

I hope your daughter is too young to compare and contrast this way, but she may be able to tell the difference between her half-brother's relationship with her dad (u don't mention him so I'm not sure if he is still in the picture or not) and her own.

Tinker all my children have "half siblings".
I had 4 children from ex
Dh had 2 children by his ex.
Dh and I have 2 children together.
And my ex has a child.
I keep them all in contact with eachother as they are all brothers and sisters at the end of the day.I dont look at it where they are half siblings but a huge family unit where they have different mums or dads.
If like fio, they dont want to keep in touch when then are older that is entirely their choice.
Hope everything goes well for the meet

Morning Tinker - Complicated family's I know all about that. My mum and dad had me and the twins - then split. Both remarried and had 3 more children each. Mums husband already had 3 aswell and dad's wife already had one. (Are you still with me??)

We weren't encouraged to spend time with each other (mum and Dads split was really bad) But as we have grown older we have all made the effort too keep in touch, admittedly we don't call each other every week but at birthdays and christmas etc... we all try and get together or at least everyone is invited to whatever if they want to pitch up. We all get on great - most of the time.
I think your dd would be quite excited to have a brother - hope all goes well at the weekend.

No not tricky really, I just ignore it! I would be happy to have a half brother but I don't want to ruin his life by telling him that his dad is not his dad, esp as his mum is dead now. I don't see the point in raking up old stuff tbh. It was all a very long time ago, my mum and dad are best of friends and my dad is prone to bouts of depression and for this to all rear it's head now would doubtless bring one on.

Tinker hope it goes ok. xx

And other bits of my family are WAY more complicated like that - for eg my dad and my stepsister (mother's husband's daughter) used to have a thing together and haven't spoken for years! Very odd family I have.

Tinker, no experience but just wanted to say I can understand your anxiety, but you are obviously a lovely mum and letting her expand her family a bit should be good for both of you. Obviously they will do things differently and, probably, have different values but anyway I hope he is a kind boy and that they get on well.

What's the arrangement? Is she going to their house? For the day, or part of the day? (How has it actually been organised - I am intrigued!)

dd1 has a friend who was adopted, then orphaned and taken in by a close friend's family, and then, at the age of about 19, discovered she had a whole birth family - can't remember the exact details (eg not sure if it's the same dad for all of them) but it was wonderful for her. She still lives with the close friend's family though because the birth family aren't local.

Tinker, I think modern families just are complicated - it doesn't make them less of a family. I know you are just saying it for clarity while writing, but we don't verbally use the term half sister regarding my son and my stepdaughter - a sister is a sister, and a brother is a brother! Same goes with her other family (she has three other younger siblings which her mum has had with her stepfather. I actually hope that one day they will all meet. After all, they are related through my stepdaughter. Her mum would hate it (as she loathes me and dh) but I think one day my stepdaughter will arrange it.

Technically all 4 of my younger siblings are only "half" siblings, but I certainly don't make this distinction. We are all related through my mum which probably made the situation easier. My mum and i were actually pregnant at the sme time (although the overlap was only a couple of months). TBH I found the hardest thing was the attitudes of other family members; so my dad would always bang on about the the next 2 down from me "not being proper sisters" which caused huge probs berween me and my dad, as I believed they were "proper sisters". similarly after mum divorced their dad ex-stepdad's family used to be very divisive.

My father's wife has 2 adult children who I knew vaguely as kids but they lived with their dad so contact was minimal and i didn't see my dad for about 8 years in my teens. We see them and their kids once a year at Xmas when dad and dtepmum have this pretend family get together. We all get on fine but there's no motivation to have any more contact.

I'm sure your DD will be fine, but as others have said, try and remind her that her bro might be just as annoying as the boys at school.

I have got these books about stepfamilies from the US and I think they are quite nice:

?Let?s Talk About It: Stepfamilies? by Fred Rogers and Jim Judlees ISBN 0698116658

?How do I feel about my stepfamily?? by Julie Johnson and Chris O?Neill

?Cinderdog and the Wicked Stepcat? by Joan Holub ISBN 0807511781

?Room for Rabbit? by Roni Schotter and Cyd Moore ISBN 0618181830

?Trick or Treat on Milton Street? by Lisa Bullard and Joni Deltjenbruns ISBN 1575051583

?Dinosaurs Divorce? by US author

Ds is much more relaxed about family structure than I am. In a way, having half-siblings and step-aunts and step-grandparents in a disorganised way is just like being in an old-fashioned extended family, where you have lots and lots of cousins and uncles and great aunts but are never really quite sure about where they fit into the family tree. Anyway, no sign of any half-siblings yet, but I still hope...

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. Good to hear that those who have been open from the start are happy.

aloha - you're right, I am just using 'half-brother' etc just to explain, my daughter does just call them her brother/sister.

janh - he's going to come to my house and then we are going to do I don't know what yet. He usually comes about twice a year, goes to buy her a present and then we go to the park or bowling or whatever and then he goes home. I always have to go with then since my daughter doesn't want to go alone with him - she doesn't know him really. I'm sure he would prefer to take her somewhere alone but not yet.

I'm not upset as such, just unsettled by it. Think it brings a lot of uncomfortable feelings to the surface. They live 20 miles away so are never going to be in each others lives much but my daughter already senses, I think, that there is something odd about her dad being with her brother and sister all the time but not her. An it bugs me as well, although, realistically know there is not a lot else I can do about it. It took me 18 months before he ever gave me any money towards her and that amonut (paltry, would pay for 2 days childcare a month) has never gone up in 5 years. My attempt to bring up the subject resulted in him moaning about having no money (although he earns the same or more than me) and since then he has had another child. I can't push the subject because I don't want to jeopardise any relationship my daughter may have with her father's family (which is also complicated - he has half-siblings, his grandad had 'secret' child...) plus his partner rang me once and wanted to know why I wanted my daughter to see her dad and was angry that he was paying any money towards her. I can't do with the hassle of it but I know it's unfair and these visit just bring it al to a head. I have to act so pleasant when we really have nothing in common, part from the obvious, and even then, he doesn't really ask about her, never rings her, never even emails her though she has her own email address and I've suggested a few times that he should. And I must neve reveal any negative feelings I have to my daughter. I hate that when he comes it is always associated with a big gift, she would just like to see him.

This has drifted off the point now hasn't it? I'm hoping that she does get on with her brother, or at least that they like seeing each other. I'm secretly hoping that, one day, they can email each other and at least become pen-pals!

Have to just say that I'm very pround of her though. When I said that her dad was bringing a Christmas present she said that we'll have to get one for her brother since it's not fair if it's just her that gets one - she was born kind I think.

Oh tinker, you are so good. Your DD will appreciate it when she's older. my mum has been through hell with her various husbands but never acts anything less than pleasant and accomodating towards them for the kids'sake. I know it absolutely kills her sometimes. I hope you've got someone you can have a good rant to when you need it.

Tinker, she does sound a sweetie

You are doing such a good job. Hope it all goes smoothly.

Thanks again - just realised I put 20 miles away,when he's 20 mile away.

secur - he sounds exactly the same as the father of your second daughter. Must be very hard trying to cope with the difference in the way he treats her to how your other daughter's father treats her. My daughter's dad is not a bad man just weak