Complicated families - half-siblings you don't know/see - that sort of thing.

[Tinker]

It's not me but my daughter. Just want to let off steam really but wondered if anyone else has been in a similar position. This weekend my daughter is going to meet her half-brother whom she has never met. Which is good, non? But I feel very strange about it. I suppose I feel I'm losing some control.

Long story but my daughter was a 'secret' for a long time to her father's family. Glasnost was about 3 years ago and I've found it quite unsettling. Has anyone else met half-siblings later in life or do any of you have children who have them - there must be lots surely? Has it been difficult or complicated in any way?

200 not 20!

My family is pretty complicated. My parents had 5 children each but 6 between them (ie 4 children during their marriage and an extra one each). My youngest sister is one of 7 children and my eldest sister is one of 12!

I think it is great that she is able to spend time with her half brother. Until 3 years ago when I married I did not even know my father's name, but I did know that I had "lots" of half siblings floating about the place becasue my mother would offer that much information but no more. I still do not know who any of them are and think it is weird that I could have sat next to any of them on the tube etc..quite often people have said oh you are the spitting image ofmy friend X and I have wondered if they were my half sister...
My mum has said she will never tell me about my father and now believes he is dead but has admitted to often seeing him walking about where we used to live in the past...
It is a horrible feeling to know that you have family 'out there' but will never know them and they will never know you.. so no matter how hard it is for you it may be easier and better for your daughter at this age than in the future becasue she will be curious.

Oh Tinker, I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I agree with Scummy, you're doing a great job and your daughter sounds lovely. I'd feel annoyed in your position re the maintenance and lack of contact etc etc but you're absolutely doing the right thing not bad mouthing him, so well done. It does make you the better person you know.

Tinker, I think you're doing really well! It must be so tempting to think "sod him" and have nothing more to do with any of them.

Your dd sounds lovely and thoughthe situation could obviously be better, it sounds like she will make the most of it. I have several friends who were in a similar position as children - don't want to go into too much detail, but relationships like this often take time to develop and the important thing really is that you give them (the relationships) a chance.

tinker, I would find these meetings complicated if I were you. I take it you associate some bad times with your daughter's father, so letting her have comtact with that side of the family must on some level arouse your protective instincts, even if things are civilised. You don't want her to get hurt and (possibly?) build her hopes that this is the beginning of a big reconciliation between the tow sides.

I don't know the full details but I think you are showing lots of self control and have a great sense of fairness in letting these meetings happen, in an atomosphere of no recrimination. I agree that its best if your daughter and her brother meet while they are children. I think it's a good idea to encourage contact between the meetings - phone calls, emails, letters (as you are doing). If the boy doesn't phone or write, your dd will realise that this relaionship has its limitations - just meetings a few times a year - and that might help her see the reality of it, if you are afraid she might expect more than this side of the family will give. I could be reading this wrong - your dd might have no illusions that you are her close family and her brother, sister and father are still family, but they are different.

I really hope this weekend goes well. My son has happily got on with other children while there have been tensions between the parent and I. It did surprise me at the time, but remembering my own childhood, I think you do can block out adult giongs on so much when you are playing with oither children.

She does sound a lovely girl and I'm sorry her dad is so crap. I hope it goes well.

Well, have to say, it went very well Quite low-key - went bowling, had a burger. Lovely little boy, very sweet, my daughter kept staring at him most of the time. There was even talk of stepping up the contact to 3 rather than 2 times per year (it's a start) and this was suggested by my daughter's dad's partner - the women being more grown up as usual So, I think we're all moving in the right direction.

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts.

sibble - have you ever tried to seriously find out who your dad is? Is his name on your birth certificate? That sounds like a really awful situation.

Tinker, was daughter's dad's partner there this afternoon, or had she already suggested it before the meeting? Glad it went so well. dd sounds smitten! (When my dds were that sort of age - ish - they used to long for a big brother and I had to apologise for not being able to provide one )

sibble said she did get her dad's name when she got married - and that her mother used to see him sometimes where they used to live. So it might be possible to do a bit of hunting? It sounded awful to me too - and what about the possibility of close relatives accidentally marrying each other? Or hereditary medical conditions? I know people have their own reasons for keeping secrets like this but when others are involved it seems terribly unfair.

Tinker, glad it went well.

My father's name wasn't on my birth certificate but my mother eventually gave in at the wedding when in front of all the guests I was asked for my father's name and had to say i didn't know - she could tell I was upset but I don't have a date of birth or anything else to go by apart from the area we were living in when I was born. Part of the reason for not pursuing it is that my mother is 'hard work' to say the least and the thought of asking again (it is years since I have bothered to ask) doesn't bear thinking about. I have asked indirectly through her best friend who knew him as well but she is not willing to give any info without my mother's say so and she has not been forthcoming. It didn't really bother me until I had DS and started to think about family resemblences, genetics etc but I am no different from somebody who was adopted and does not know and at least I know 1 side of my family tree I guess. I suppose I only posted because i am early pregnant again and it is at the front of my mind again. I am now living in NZ so tracking would be hard. I discussed it with DH the other night who thinks I should confront my mother (she is easier but phone as you don't have to watch the facial expressions!!) and try to track him next time I am back.

I only know that if I was in a similar situation, such as yourself, I hope I would find the courage to let my children make and keep contact if they wanted to. I don't really think my mother has anything to hide except being an unmarried mother in the 60's..and I am sure she wasn't the only one....she is jsut rather highly strung though....

Tinker glad the meet went well

Thanks again fo rteh messages

Janh - no, she wasn't there, think they may be a long way down the line

sibble - I hope I haven't upset you by asking. I know I'd be a like a dog with a bone though about that kind of thing. Do you have any idea of his age? If you have his name and a fair idea of the year he was born in, the Registry office (can't think of the proper name for it now, having senior moments already, the Birthe, Deaths and Marriages place in Southport) will do a search for you. It used to cost £15.00 and they would refund either £9.00 or £6.00 if they were not successful. Good luck. I hope your mum relents a little one day, must be hard though.

secur - you're right, the kids just get on with what they know I suppose. Glad your little girl is not too upset about things.

Hi Tinker I hadn't thought of that - could probably make a fair guess at his age on teh assumption he would be the same (ish) as my mother - may follw up your suggestion. I suppose the other thing that makes me nervous is he hasn't bothered with me in nearly 40 years - what sort of reception would I get if I made contact.

I have a step son and as hard as it is, becasue he is a spoilt difficult child, I encourage him to come and spent time with his Dad. It is getting less the older he gets because his friends are cool and we are old farts!!! But at least I hope he feels he hasn't been excluded from his Dad and half brother.