Hello, Im I mad (i'm a guy btw)

[cgno]

Hello

I've been following these forums for a little while now. With special interest in the brave babes alcoholics one and also the narcissist forums. They have helped me greatly. So in the last couple of years I have been taking steps to remove people that I perceive as narcissist's from my life (just making my self more distant).

But now I'm almost completely alone. Feel better for it though, because I can see a future now.

Has anybody else taken such extreme steps? or I'm I mad?

Only mad if you don't replace them with some of the world's nice people...otherwise you are at risk of being the mad old man in the scary house up the road!!

Yes, I took extreme steps - not with narcissists but with users and fair-weather-friends. I too felt better for it, if a little lonely at first. I thought it would be impossible to make new friends but I've made some lovely ones. Get yourself out there!

Sounds as though you wanted a life-style change and you're doing it.

You'll make new friends in time.

I'm on the cusp of cutting my entire family off, yes it's very isolating, but better long term.

Make time and space for yourself, and those that add to your life.

Ooh that makes me feel a bit a bit funny - there's me thinking that the only people who read the Brave Babes thread are the ones who post on it. Now I suddenly feel all self-conscious (and narcissistic...)

A bit a bit? a little bit...

Ooooohh timely thread. I was thinking about this today. I've cut out the 'friends' who were users and distanced myself from the 'dysfunctional family of origin'. So bloody bloody lonely. But at least, I'm not twirling around myself playing someones else's mind games.
Was going to post a thread about 'friendship coaching' for adults
Does it exist?

So (finally answers OP) no you are not mad. Thank your sanity. Good luck

NA I have read the brave babes thread since it started! It's brilliant, such great people on there. People get great strength from it for all sorts of reasons I have no doubt.

OP you must have your reasons, people do take stock from time to time, above proves it too.

Thanks guys,

I knew you would understand. My biggest fear is what the first poster said. I hope that doesn't happen, even if i'm at the end of road with no friends at least I'm better than all those pretending to be nice people but actually bastards . It just takes time to make friends, not acquaintances.

may be narcissist's was a bit strong. But people who always make sure things go their way and won't accept anything else.

Can nobody see anybody else's point of view nowadays? No empathy? Maybe it's thatchers children? I haven't lost faith that much, probably just a bit depressed.

Having dated a narcissist for a while, I can tell you they do great in the capitalistic society we have going here. ruthless, driven, obsessed with success. I mean, if you spin the adjectives just a little bit, you'll have the description of many major corporate leaders.

TOXIC, that has been playing on my mind for while, they do very well but will dump/be extremely nasty to who they don't need any more. Just one example, a couple of 'friends' of mine were sharing a flat with somebody that they got bored/annoyed with. It happens sometimes, but the guy stuck up her tooth brush up his a H. In my book that's just out of order.

There are nice people out there. I know lots! It's great to have no toxic people/ users in your friendship group and just trustworthy, lovely friends. The key thing is to make sure you're meeting people to replace the ones you've cut out.

What cues do you look for to identify someone as a narcissist/ someone to cut out? Just make sure you aren't being TOO unforgiving... obviously the example of the guy with a toothbrush counts as someone to cut contact with!

Hi cgno, yep am on that same journey as well, and have cut off a lot of my former 'friends' users emotional vampires as well. Have taken to sitting back and observing the new people that I am meeting and assessing whether these people would make suitable friends - wow what an eye opener that has been! Not made any new friends yet, but have certainly decided there are certain people not to be friends with!

just another example which I feel is unacceptable: living with a girlfriends parents and accepting all sorts of hospitality whilst unemployed and cheating on her. I'm I old fashioned or is this behaviour unacceptable.

Ewww, no, totally unacceptable! Nice and good people don't do that sort of stuff, let alone even think about it! He sounds like a real prize absolute twunt.

I've had to do this too. I used to hang about with a load of people who were depressed, not doing anything about it, asking for favours all the time and generally not going anywhere / not trying in any way. I found it got me down.

I don't tend to judge people very well and have over the years joined quite a few groups who were like this. I think the change happened when my self esteem got better and I was more honest about feeling angry / used / not sure about people's morals.

I have found that the friendships that have lasted are the ones I don't second guess. I have also learnt not to get too close too quickly as pulling back is harder then.

I'd advise you to go out more to things you are interested in, same place, same venue, same hobbies and you'll soon meet people on your wavelength.

cgno I did years ago. Stopped drinking because I was committing suicide in slow motion, and also gave up what some would perceive as an amazing career. I lost many buddies, the drinking was the main stay of most of the relationships, I was the life and soul, then latterly more the entertainment value. Took a few years to find my real life mission, and have never looked back. I am incredibly happy, have met some wonderful people who I would never have had a chance to in the world I lived in before, artificial and sycophantic, and oh so opinionated, proclaiming themselves to be experts in everything, when in fact they had dreadfully boring and unhappy lives. My world is full of empathy and compassion, and I couldn't be more content.

It's a good idea to cut or minimize contact with people who treat you badly. However, it's not a good idea to go on and on to everyone else about how badly other people have treated you and how everyone is selfish and waa, waa, waaa. Nice people don't want to make friends with someone who is bitter and self-pitying.

I've just done the same thing over the past year. I've questioned my choices as I'm pretty lonely - am in the inbetween phase of having cut out some friends (narc ones - my mother's a narc and when I realised this last year I turned around and noticed that a few of my 'friends' were too) and haven't yet made new ones.

It takes some time - I'm going out for lunch tomorrow with a brand new bunch of people and hoping to meet another new person this week (from work); and a lot of confidence!

But at least I'm not being treated without respect. Even if I am spending most weekends alone, for the moment

SGB, I hear what your saying. I have kept my mouth shut and taken action. They haven't been that bad to me because I'm one of the clique, but its the way they treat other people.

At the moment, I feel quite sorry for the parents in law that a couple of the guys have married into. I can just imagine the pernicious selfishness taking hold.

I think you need to recognise your own moral code and integrity and be proud of them.

If people behave in ways that you find unacceptable, allow them to drift away, if they question you as to why you don't see them so much, return calls etc, TELL them!

who gives a crap about what people like that think of your decision to distance yourself, you don't need their approval! What kind of 'clique' do you want to be in? If everyone in it is treating people like shit, you will be judged accordingly by others on the outside. Bugger that for a game of soldiers! Sod what they think of you, your own integrity is worth more, the ability to hold your head up is worth more than that.

I lived a life where everything I had was taken from me by an abusive partner, I was isolated to an extreme degree. I had no-one (only him) for a very long time. I eventually found ONE friend, I'd see her maybe once or twice a month. We'd text every day, and she kept me sane. I realised that if you only have ONE friend, then life is OK. Anything more than this is a blessing.

Quality over quantity, every time!

Well done, Hissy. Well done for refusing to be lost.

I cut a friend out of my life that I had known for the best part of 25 years. She was a very negative person and I found it difficult to keep her at arms length. We had some good times also but in the last years of our close friendship, she was just dragging me down. I hadn't considered taking positive action until we had words one day (about her continued fradulent benefit claims) and I just thought, you know, I feel sorry for her life, but I don't respect her choices and I actually don't like who she is any longer. I never contacted her again and I have never missed her presence in my life.

What I would say is that if a few people are all treating you the same, maybe it's time to have a bit of an audit about how you set your boundaries or you may end up with new friends that turn out the same way. Just a thought, OP.