Hello, Im I mad (i'm a guy btw)

[cgno]

Hello

I've been following these forums for a little while now. With special interest in the brave babes alcoholics one and also the narcissist forums. They have helped me greatly. So in the last couple of years I have been taking steps to remove people that I perceive as narcissist's from my life (just making my self more distant).

But now I'm almost completely alone. Feel better for it though, because I can see a future now.

Has anybody else taken such extreme steps? or I'm I mad?

I've also cut off my family - what a FANTASTIC relief!! - and also been ruthless about cutting out toxic/user 'friends'. I'm alone (for the timebeing) but it is such a joy to get these people out of my life. I genuinely enjoy my own company - especially as it's backlit with never again having to placate these awful, dreadful, poisonous people.

Over the w/e there was a big family wedding and I can honestly say I didn't have one pang about 'missing out' - the reality would have been a glitzy day, with me being shot at any number of times (unable to respond or it would spoil the day for the b&g). I did go to the ceremony (godmother to the bride, who can't help who her parents are...) and, joy of joys, didn't see one family member (yay!). After it, when the toxic brood were having photos taken on the other side of the church, I walked away up the road. The joy was indescribable, I had to stop myself from skipping.

Sorry to go on but I am overjoyed to have got shot of them and my only regret is that I didn't do it years ago. You've done the right thing OP but watch out for snootiness: keep in mind that the reason you've done it is to protect and value yourself.

Thanks Hissy,

that's all I needed.

Thanks
the posters below:

SarahRT
beatenbyayellowteacup
datingadviceagain
springydaffs

I'm getting away from this stuff. But I do feel sorry for the nice people I will be leaving behind. Suppose every body has to learn the hard way.

Perhaps you 'getting away' will show the nice people that there IS an alternative.

Perhaps the nice people will find their own way out when the time is right.

Maybe,but do I have a duty to tell them. I don't think so, not be because of what SGB said, but what she said was true.

tell who? the crappy people? Nah, only if they ask you and you FEEL like telling them.

Otherwise let them work it out.

Don't get hung up on these people, they are not hung up on the shitty stuff they are doing.

I agree with SGB, but I don't get that you are talking to all and sundry about these crappy people, rather that you are perplexed at the depths to which others will sink.

Leave them behind, focus on a new life with new people.

If you are talking about telling the nice people, then I understand.

No need for now, get some distance, get a different perspective then see how you feel.

Then my previous comment stands, they may see your distancing/departure as a call to action for themselves.

ok, I'll leave them behind.

I think I just need some distance at the moment. Feeling a bit depressed. Maybe when I get better I will have a different outlook.

Alternative scenario:

You distance yourself, the crappy continue being crappy.

the nice continue being nice and being crapped all over. The nice asks you why they don't see much of you anymore...

It's usually advisable to leave this kind of stuff alone, but I find that if someone approaches you in situations such as these, they may have more than an inkling already that things are not quite right.

sound them out if they seek you out, then decide what you feel is appropriate to discuss.

Exactly, take some time out from spectating stuff that pisses you off. Seeing people getting hurt IS really soul destroying.

I get really down sometimes on here when I see lovely people being buggered about for no reason other than an over inflated ego.

sometimes I have to step away for a wee while.

This is your life too, you deserve to be happy.

You're right everybody has the right to happy. I was fairly happy when I was younger. All these things were happening around me but i just drew a blind eye/didn't understand the importance . Now it's really bothering me. I remember a school assembly one day. The head master was telling us that we were the future of this country. I just thought to myself, theses bunch of idiots; we've got no chance.

You may not be able to do things, or find it appropriate to say something, but you can live/lead.by example.

How old.are.you btw? There comes.a.time when we realise that some people really aren't very nice at all.

For me it was my late 20s, early 30s, it was devastating.

What you have to focus on is that we choose to live honourably; literally when we know better, we do better.

You can't make people 'nice', and anyway nice people might do bad things sometimes, and 'bad' people can do 'nice' things sometimes too.

What you get to decide is what YOU do, and what YOU find acceptable behaviour by others, and how you react to it.

Keep talking.

Hi HHs

I'm mid thirties. Thanks for you're thoughts; very gratefully received. It is a difficult one, but it is something that has to happen for my own sanity. I know what you you mean about not everybody is not 100% bad or good. But I've think I've seen enough.

Great posts Hiss, we have to detach from the desire to make others nicer people. My turning point was when i kicked abusive exp out. I realised he wasn't the only person in my life that affected the way i think of myself, that other people including close relatives were bringing me down. I reasoned with myself that if i was willing to exclude exp from my life because of the effect he was having, then i couldn't allow those with a less-important role to my dc to carry on having such a negative effect. i suppose i grew some lol. I am not very good at articulating my feelings and view sometimes due to being aspie, but there are some people who have encouraged me to follow my dreams and become a stronger person. it's taken a few years and progress has been very slow. i am going through a depressive stage at the moment (i am bipolar too) but have a few friends who reach out to me and will keep me going until it has passed.

I too am in my 30s and still have friends/aquaintences in their 20s and see from the outside a bit that a lot o the time it's an age/maturity issue. Some of them still care far too much about what others think of them, you know, people that really shouldn't matter. But that seems to be the younger ones (in age or mentality) and I know it was something i too was guilty of a few years ago.

i don't even know what the point of my post is except for you to know that you are definitely not alone in your stance.

Congratulations on your clear out of friends!! (There should be a hallmark card for that)

I was you 5 years ago. Cleared out family as well as friends.

I have made two mistakes with friends since (thanks to dh's encouragement of friendships ) and have learnt to trust my gut feeling.

I now have 4 very good friends, and a number of good aquaintences.

Your not mad. Your perfectly sane and are now a person with boundaries! Congrats again!

The only thing I will add, is that sometimes the new friends will feel a little strange, because they are being nice.

Have fun being the observer of people for a while and from personal experience, try not to rush into new friendships.

Just looking at lowers posts (must read entire thread first before posting), I have no friends from school at all. Out of 90 people, no one is nice enough to be my friend.

Glad to hear you are feeling stonger.

I think your age IS relevant, in that we go through stages, we grow, we learn, and we leave behind the behaviour that will not serve us well in the future.

Mid 30s is a good age, I'm still clinging on to my early 40s, and while the number is a bit , I wouldn't go back to being in my 30s for anything.

Once you are in your 40s, you gain even MORE confidence, you start to consolidate your values and refuse to be bamboozled as easily as you were in your 30s. I have friends in their early 30s and the struggle they have in standing up for themselves is painful at times.

Much of this is a rite of passage IMO. Like I said, it's hard to realise that people you thought you knew and liked are not who you thought they were. Let go and make space in your life for those that WILL enrich it.

You will be fine. Who knows, maybe those people that you are struggling with WILL step up one day, maybe they are a bit slow on the uptake, but it's THEIR path to find.

I think you may have taken from my previous post where I said keep talking to mean keep talking to them... I didn't. I meant keep talking to US.

I'll be honest, this transition can be pretty depressing, and if it turns inwards can be harmful to YOUR mood and happiness. Ultimately the behaviour you describe IS unacceptable so by all means cut them off, and accept that those that are in relationships with them choose to do so. In time maybe they will see what you see.

Like I said, maybe by you distancing yourself, it may make the nice people wonder and think a bit and perhaps your removing yourself may help THEM reach the conclusion they need to.

Leave these people behind and know that you are making space for better.

You deserve that.

Thanks for your support. I'm taking your advice. It is difficult; but for the best.

cgno