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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bf caught out..so lonely, please help me work this out

36 replies

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 19:12

Long story short me and bf have been together 3 years. We did split up for 10 months or so last year as I messed up and cheated on him. I out my hands up to this, have taken the flack, grovelled, explained and we started to work things out in September last year and everything has been great since- talk of a future together, always telling each other how much we care, had a fantastic romantic break to spain at Christmas.

At the moment we only see eachother at weekend as we work in diff parts of the country. He was working last weekend but I went to visit anyway to see him in the mornings and evening.

Sunday afternoon we went for nice walk, talking of our house, future etc as usual. He then had to pop back to work which is round corner from his house.
Thought I would check my emails and facebook. Email had a message from Facebook saying I had a message so skipped to Facebook and clicked messages.

That's where it all went wrong. Turns out he has been having a facebook relationship with a girl abroad for the whole time we have been together, including sex talk and plans to meet eachother in his home town. I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing and it has destroyed me.

I sent her a calm message simply stating who I was- she replied saying sorry he's always claimed to be single and they have almost met a few times in the past few months.

My bf always claims to hate Facebook and thinks it's for losers.

15th Dec 2011 he wrote to me on Facebook "What do people even talk about on here?"

21-24th December we had our romantic break which I booked and paid for.

26th December he had a conversation with her which he said "their perfect day would be food, conversation, then sex" "food and sex it is then". She was well up for it and in her reply to me said she sees no reason to break contact with him. They have also nearly met in Jan, Feb, and April this year but for whatever reason (mostly her saying she was too busy) it never happened. But she has said she would still meet him 'platonically' and their realtionship has been MOSTLY friendly for the past 3 years but sex has always been on the cards. Their converations range from debates on subjects to anal sex, her saying she's horny (and him lapping it up) and pictures too. Though the pictures were sent whilst we were split up so fair enough.

I calmly confronted him. He said I had betrayed his trust 'by snooping' and asked me to leave. I gave him a hurt look getting in the car and his reply was 'what's that look for' and 'aren't you going to give me a kiss goodbye?'.

To say I am devastated is an understatement. I am still going to work full time but sleeping 3 hours a night, running 4-6 miles a day (last night from midnight til 1am) and have eaten one meal, 2 yoghurts and a cup a soup since Sunday.

I am very close to his family who think I am 'the one'. They live nearby but I have no-one here really. I come home from work and just re-read the message from her and emails from him after I cheated which said things such as how he has the highest morals ever, would never cheat on me, how could I do it to 'us', and his heart is 100% clean. And yet for our whole relationship this has been going on behind my back.

I haven't heard from him since Sunday and can't figure out if it's getting easier or harder. All I want to do is run and run.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Doha · 31/05/2012 19:19

Run run and keep running.

He has cheated for years behind your back and would have continued to do so if you hadn't rumbled him.

Xales · 31/05/2012 19:19

Block his number, email and facebook. put him in the past and move on. Eventually it will get better.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:24

When you cheated on him, you were split up? He has been trying to arrange to meet her while you have been together? And talkin dirty to her? She thought he was single? Have I got this right?

You haven't cheated on him then and he has been trying to cheat on you. I think moving on is the best thing in the long run especially of this has been going on the whole time you have been together. It is lonely at first but it will get better, just takes time and distracting yourself. Try not to contact him, only drags the process out IMO.

hidingbeneathanamechange · 31/05/2012 19:30

Take a deep breath and start looking after yourself. You are running your body into the ground and depriving it of food. Your blood sugar will be so low that you will be unable to think straight. I know it is hard to eat in these circumstances, but buy something ready made that you can eat cold to start with. You need to be physically strong to be mentally strong.
The rest is harder and other people can advise better than me, but what helps me is to put my health first.

Icamehere2troll · 31/05/2012 19:38

Karma.

But as were on MN, the fact that you cheated first will get completely overlooked.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:41

Oh sorry, misread, you did cheat on him. So maybe he's feeling insecure and the other woman is helping his ego. You need to talk to him and see if you can work something out, otherwise you have to let it go.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 19:44

So did he start cheating after you had your affair?

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:44

I mean let the relationship go.

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 19:44

Eclectic- We had a rough patch, I met another guy, cheated, owned up, we split up. I saw the other guy for a few months but it didn't work out. And you are right about the rest.

I agree 'Karma' but I don't think this excuses the fact this has been going on for 3 years. For 3 years he has doctored his facebook and things he has told her to make out he was single. She was shocked and sorry but wants to stay in contact. She admitted she would've definitely had sex with him if they had met.

I just want to know if this is true for him. But he hasn't contacted me and I don't want to chase him although this is killing me.

OP posts:
Xales · 31/05/2012 19:44

Sorry I read it as she cheated on him when with him, got loads of grief and sucked it up as the person in the wrong.

While all the time, when they first got together, when she cheated, when they were separated and then when they go back together he was involved with this other woman all the time.

So although he may not have actually had sex with the OW he was messing around with her throughout OP's entire relationship and being a rather hypocritical dick.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:44

Good question poo...

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 19:46

He is the one for me, that I know as do all his family. And moving on would feel like giving up on 'us' and we are too important to me for that.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:47

So he's been contacting her with dirty things the whole relationship, even before you cheated? He might just be very insecure and looking for attention or it might be something else entirely. Either way it's not a great start to a relationship.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:48

I don't personally believe in "the one", I think that belief keeps people in unhappy relationships. It has me in the past. Try to look past that and see the facts...

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 19:50

Thank you for the replies. They are helping me to calm down.

Their convertations were flirty and sex was always on the cards. The dirty talk mainly seemed to be when we were split up.
He is not the type to chat women up in real life or mess girls about.

This is spot on:

"Sorry I read it as she cheated on him when with him, got loads of grief and sucked it up as the person in the wrong.

While all the time, when they first got together, when she cheated, when they were separated and then when they go back together he was involved with this other woman all the time."

OP posts:
nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 19:51

He is an insecure and shy person at heart though he makes out to be cocky.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 31/05/2012 19:51

He's the one only if you fancy a lifetime of this kind of crap. Who cares what his family think? They're not the ones being cheated on.

I'm sorry this has happened to you but you'd be barking mad to take him back.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:53

If he was inappropriatelu involved with this woman from he dart of your relationship, might be better to let the relationship go and move on, especially as he didnt own up when you cheated.

BrightnessFalls · 31/05/2012 19:55

He didn't sound like he gave a shit when he said "aren't you going to kiss me goodbye then" as his parting shot. He's moved on already and, you have to try to. I don't understand how anyone meets ransoms on fb and hooks up with them. I must be doing it wrong!!!

Xales · 31/05/2012 19:55

He is not the type to chat women up in real life or mess girls about.

He is though isn't he. He has been chatting up this woman for 3 years. Making arrangements to meet her which only fell through because she couldn't make it.

On top of that he has been looking you in the eye, telling you that you are the only one etc basically mess you around while doing it.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 19:55

let him go

you are obviously not suited, despite your protestations

you cheated on him

he is a dick

it's not a recipe for happy ever after is it ?

move on

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 19:56

Don't make excuses for him, it's natural to try and explain his behaviour on his personality but it won't help in the long run. Look at his actions, he asked you for a kiss after you found out? Does he not realise how much it hurt you?

BrightnessFalls · 31/05/2012 19:57

Ransoms, even.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 20:00

Is that your phone? :) mine does that, very annoying

Icamehere2troll · 31/05/2012 20:01

let him go

you are obviously not suited, despite your protestations

you cheated on him

he is a dick

it's not a recipe for happy ever after is it ?

move on

^^ This

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