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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bf caught out..so lonely, please help me work this out

36 replies

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 19:12

Long story short me and bf have been together 3 years. We did split up for 10 months or so last year as I messed up and cheated on him. I out my hands up to this, have taken the flack, grovelled, explained and we started to work things out in September last year and everything has been great since- talk of a future together, always telling each other how much we care, had a fantastic romantic break to spain at Christmas.

At the moment we only see eachother at weekend as we work in diff parts of the country. He was working last weekend but I went to visit anyway to see him in the mornings and evening.

Sunday afternoon we went for nice walk, talking of our house, future etc as usual. He then had to pop back to work which is round corner from his house.
Thought I would check my emails and facebook. Email had a message from Facebook saying I had a message so skipped to Facebook and clicked messages.

That's where it all went wrong. Turns out he has been having a facebook relationship with a girl abroad for the whole time we have been together, including sex talk and plans to meet eachother in his home town. I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing and it has destroyed me.

I sent her a calm message simply stating who I was- she replied saying sorry he's always claimed to be single and they have almost met a few times in the past few months.

My bf always claims to hate Facebook and thinks it's for losers.

15th Dec 2011 he wrote to me on Facebook "What do people even talk about on here?"

21-24th December we had our romantic break which I booked and paid for.

26th December he had a conversation with her which he said "their perfect day would be food, conversation, then sex" "food and sex it is then". She was well up for it and in her reply to me said she sees no reason to break contact with him. They have also nearly met in Jan, Feb, and April this year but for whatever reason (mostly her saying she was too busy) it never happened. But she has said she would still meet him 'platonically' and their realtionship has been MOSTLY friendly for the past 3 years but sex has always been on the cards. Their converations range from debates on subjects to anal sex, her saying she's horny (and him lapping it up) and pictures too. Though the pictures were sent whilst we were split up so fair enough.

I calmly confronted him. He said I had betrayed his trust 'by snooping' and asked me to leave. I gave him a hurt look getting in the car and his reply was 'what's that look for' and 'aren't you going to give me a kiss goodbye?'.

To say I am devastated is an understatement. I am still going to work full time but sleeping 3 hours a night, running 4-6 miles a day (last night from midnight til 1am) and have eaten one meal, 2 yoghurts and a cup a soup since Sunday.

I am very close to his family who think I am 'the one'. They live nearby but I have no-one here really. I come home from work and just re-read the message from her and emails from him after I cheated which said things such as how he has the highest morals ever, would never cheat on me, how could I do it to 'us', and his heart is 100% clean. And yet for our whole relationship this has been going on behind my back.

I haven't heard from him since Sunday and can't figure out if it's getting easier or harder. All I want to do is run and run.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
BrightnessFalls · 31/05/2012 20:01

Get yourself out with your girlfriends this weekend. What made you start going through his fb after all this time?

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 20:48

All my friends live 120 miles away. I moved here on my own as his family got me a good job, I live by myself.

His mum rang him last night and said "I heard * is upset, you wanna talk about it?"

He froze her out, said he had a lot on his mind, "me and * will sort it out" and pretty much hung up on her.

I don't know if that was down to him feeling embarrassed or what.

OP posts:
nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 21:00

I found it on his facebook by accident, looked at the message list thinking it was logged in as me and saw a name I have never heard or seen from him.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 21:00

Try not to get too involved with his family. They are his family after all. Is there anyone else you can talk to?

nightrunnergirl · 31/05/2012 21:03

No-one here. :(

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 21:07

Well, you have mn. You need to think about moving back to a support group if it's feasible, or try to meet some people where you are? Must be a difficult time for you. Have you decided to leave him for good or are you still mulling it over?

Proudnscary · 31/05/2012 21:16

I'll go against the grain and say you are well suited.

Both disloyal, both immature and both seem to thrive on drama.

oikopolis · 31/05/2012 21:29

this is an incredibly stupid situation.

you are both cheaters. and you in particular sound like you have little self-respect.

please just walk away and sort yourself out before embarking on a new relationship, sorry to be blunt but you sound immature and i agree with Proud, anyone who would contemplate remaining in contact with a man like this definitely thrives on drama.

Losingitall · 01/06/2012 06:44

Some harsh harsh feedback here:(

He was technically cheating on her as she was cheating on him. You know what, people make mistakes and shit happens.

OP 2 ways for this to go IMO. You're both even now, so get on with it (but I suspect you will both never completely trust the other again). Or get out and get on with your life.

Whichever you chose, good luck. FWIW 2 wrongs don't make a right.

X

Helltotheno · 01/06/2012 10:38

He is not The One OP unless you want a life of contsant petty drama and BS . Move on and ideally spend some time single so that you can just enjoy being on your own for a while and make some friends.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/06/2012 11:01

Sorry that you're suffering OP. I would walk away from this and not look back.

You're AREN'T the one; it doesn't matter what his family says, they wouldn't/couldn't know whether you were or weren't anyway. If your boyfriend was committed to you, he wouldn't have done this. It's not even a 'one off' incident by the sounds of it but a planned and calculated deception, even down to keeping you off facebook with a sneer at it when all the time he's making good use of it.

Your earlier cheating isn't really relevant; a line ws drawn under it and you moved on getting back together after your split; this one's down to him. I don't know if relationships can work after cheating; I'm not convinced. Perhaps there's always a 'score to be settled' hanging over it?

Walk away and count your lucky stars that you weren't even deeper enmeshed.

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