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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seriously considering NEVER speaking to in-laws again...

44 replies

Ice9116 · 31/05/2012 10:08

Am I over-reacting? We have always had a good relationship in past and me and DH now have a 4 month old DAUGHTER - this is apparently the problem, she is female.

I am so so angry - they make comments like "you said there'd be a 5 year gap but now you'll be wanting to try for a boy in two years" or "of course we'd love her more if she was a boy" or "you can't blame the extended family for not welcoming her - she's a girl" I mean WTF! she is beautiful and wonderful and just a good as a male child and I would never "try" for a boy/girl just a healthy baby. The primary difference at this age is the clothes you dress them in anyway!

They are not that old either - 50s...

DH is really close to his Mum but this has pissed him off too...

I have tried jokingly telling them to f-off with "look at BIL if you want a boy because we're very happy with DD" but they just say "that'll change - boys are more fun"

OP posts:

Chunkamatic · 31/05/2012 10:12

Seems a very strange attitude to have - are the rest of his family like this.

I think before you stop speaking to them you should tell them exactly how much it is upsetting you. If they still carry on then I wouldn't allow them the chance to be nasty.

Has your DH not said anything to them?

kickingking · 31/05/2012 10:15

Seriously?! They'd love her more if she was a boy???

I've never heard anything so blatant regarding gender preferences - if this is for real, you're better off without them!

Dropdeadfred · 31/05/2012 10:15

Tell them straight up that you are shocked that they don't live your daughter for who she is and that until they change their attitude you won't be welcoming them in to your home. Also ask mil if she feels inferior and boring as a woman as she seems to be writing off females!

frumpet · 31/05/2012 10:20

Has MIL got any daughters ? i only ask because perhaps she is a little jealous that you have a girl ?

Gatorade · 31/05/2012 10:20

That is quite odd, are they from a different culture? My in laws are Chinese and they have a similar preference for boys but (luckily) seem to be massively in love with my 3 month old DD (after a shaky start with ''oh, its such a shame the baby is a girl'' and ''don't worry, it might still be a boy, these scans are often wrong''). They do however constantly try to encourage me to start trying for another a baby as they would love a male grandson.......

Hopefully as your DD grows up they will love her for who she is and realise that they are being silly.

SparklyRedShoes · 31/05/2012 10:23

Well I'd stop taking DD to them. Stop them listening to DD on the phone. Make sure you're out with DD when they visit. Stop sending them pictures of DD etc.

After they start feeling the pain, I'd sarcastically say something like. 'Well, it is very obvious to me that you find DD disappointing. I really don't want her growing up feeling inferior because of her sex, so, I thought it best that you not have the inconvenience of spending time with her.' or something similar.

I really would nip this in the bud now. How will DD feel if you do go on and have another child, and it's a boy, and they start giving that child preferential treatment?

This is bang out of order. Don't take it lying down.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 31/05/2012 10:23

They actually said those things out loud? Wow.

Yes, cut them off. Their attitudes are likely so ingrained that, if they remain in her life, they would find a million tiny ways to make your DD feel shit about herself, even if you do get them to stop speaking their female-hatred out loud.

Iamcalledclaire · 31/05/2012 10:24

Is their surname Tudor?

Your DH needs to give them a serious warning to shut the fuck up about this or they will cause a serious rift. You can't live with that attitude.

Adversecamber · 31/05/2012 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamcalledclaire · 31/05/2012 10:27

Did they actually make those statements?

They don't really sound like things people would say.

Maybe they implied that with what they did say, so still awful, but doesn't ring as an entirely authentic way, even nutters, would speak.

Adversecamber · 31/05/2012 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 10:29

steer clear of them if that is their attitude. Your dd would pick up on it if the attitude remains. I wouldn't let them near my dc personally

GingerBlondecat · 31/05/2012 10:31

What culture are they ?

GingerBlondecat · 31/05/2012 10:31

I meant Nationality.

GingerBlondecat · 31/05/2012 10:36

Although, we had that issue with Great Gpa. He was in his 90's. And 'VERY' set in his ways :(

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 31/05/2012 10:38

Culture schmulture.

The OP is entitled to feel outraged at this demeaning attitude towards her daughter whether the ILs are from Wigan or Wafang.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 10:55

Yep, i would never speak to them again either. I wouldn't want that attitude near my children.

Gatorade · 31/05/2012 11:06

HotDAMNlifeis good I agree that OP is entitled to feel outraged by this, and we don't even know it is a 'culture' related problem yet. I wasn't excusing their behaviour because of cultural differences.

I do however think it would be a shame for OP's DD to lose contact with her grand-parents over an issue that hopefully will resolve itself once they get to know her and realise what a lovely little person she is, irrespective of her sex.

OP, have a chat with them, tell them that there comments are upsetting you and you don't want your DD to grow up feeling inferior to men, hopefully they will see sense.

Original poster

Ice9116 · 31/05/2012 11:06

Not cultural - they are from West Country and Essex respectively - they had DH and his brother and as time goes on how they raised the boys seems increasingly wierd.

Would love this not to be for real!

Will get DH to talk to them & give them ONE warning.

OP posts:

doormat · 31/05/2012 11:09

they sound like weirdos....

alto2 · 31/05/2012 11:20

I had this with MIL who actually referred to our daughter as 'he' and 'him', said things like 'I always think of him as a boy', bought boys' clothes and gave her a train set as a first present.

It upset me at the time but it wore off completely by about six or eight months, as she was getting to know dd more in her own right.

She had three sons so her attitude was always 'boys are best'.

Wish I hadn't let it get to me so much. My advice would be to ignore.

Gatorade · 31/05/2012 11:24

Goodluck ice, I hope as alto2 says they will get over it as they get to know your DD in her own right.

They probably just don't know what to 'do' with girls and have a whole load of misconceptions about the fact that 'girls' should do certain things whilst boys have lost of messy fun!

familyfun · 31/05/2012 11:26

my ils ae like this, disappointed with dd1, never mind you can try for a boy next, disappointed with dd2, oh poor dp not having a sonyou will have to try again.
they had 3 boys and always wanted a girl, they are jealous.

GoPoldark · 31/05/2012 11:28

They need some very straight talking on this one. Your DH needs to make it very clear that if they don't smarten up their attitude pretty damn quickly, they effectively won't have a grandchild at all - girl OR boy, because there's no way that you'll allow this kind of poison into your family and allow your DD's self esteem to be damaged by this kind of shit. And that would go DOUBLE if you had a boy next - the only thing I can imagine that might be worse for your child than being slighted and dismissed by loony grandparents is being idolised, smothered, and bigged up to be better than your own siblings by them.

They sound really bad. Personally even if they calm down I'd make sure - and make this very clear to your DH - that a close and intimate grapndparent relationship is currently way off the cards.

Stuff like this is massively damaging. Don't let it into your family.

puds11 · 31/05/2012 11:29

I would actually tell them to fuck off. Your DD does not need people like this in her life. I cant actually believe people like this exist! My DP's mum would always make comments about how my DD would 'love a little brother' hinting that i should have another baby. This stopped when i told her in no way shape or form was i going to have another one so she should look elsewhere for a GS. However she never once undervalued our DD.
They sound like bad people.

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