Seriously considering NEVER speaking to in-laws again...

[Ice9116]

Am I over-reacting? We have always had a good relationship in past and me and DH now have a 4 month old DAUGHTER - this is apparently the problem, she is female.

I am so so angry - they make comments like "you said there'd be a 5 year gap but now you'll be wanting to try for a boy in two years" or "of course we'd love her more if she was a boy" or "you can't blame the extended family for not welcoming her - she's a girl" I mean WTF! she is beautiful and wonderful and just a good as a male child and I would never "try" for a boy/girl just a healthy baby. The primary difference at this age is the clothes you dress them in anyway!

They are not that old either - 50s...

DH is really close to his Mum but this has pissed him off too...

I have tried jokingly telling them to f-off with "look at BIL if you want a boy because we're very happy with DD" but they just say "that'll change - boys are more fun"

I'm pretty shocked that people still have these views.

I wouldn't like them around my DD, I'd worry she would pick up on it.

Not nice people, in afraid!

I do however think it would be a shame for OP's DD to lose contact with her grand-parents over an issue that hopefully will resolve itself once they get to know her and realise what a lovely little person she is, irrespective of her sex.

I don't think its a shame at all. A shame they have this attitude but not a shame that the granddaughter will be protected from her grandparents attitude that she's not as good as a boy.

I doubt they will change that part of their thinking and shouldn't have to get to know their granddaughter before realising that she has just as much right to be valued and valued equally to a boy.

Well I am glad its not just me! My family has mostly had girls but think gender is irrelevant to affection - Dad just wanted girls but wouldn't have been 'disappointed' with a boy - we had muddy adventures, played with trains and dolls so I don't see it as being less "fun".

I consider it poisonous for her too so am taking the overwhelming attitude here as support for me to cut them out. I have alot of self-doubt but am rapidly getting stronger - I just need to sort of know I have ppl behind me iyswim.

I wouldn't let anyone say these things about my beloved daughters, I simply wouldn't stand for it. Next time they say something like that say 'I find what you are saying incredibly offensive'. I wouldn't bother with a next time.

Seriously, you cant' have people openly rejecting your child to your face, or to hers when she grows up.

PooPooInMyToes I only speak from experience as my in-laws were dead against having a grand-daughter but they now adore her and although they would still love a grandson I think they are ashamed that they every wished she was anything other than what she is.

I just think that maybe the gran-parents should be given a chance to get to know her first (after they have been spoken to, to let them know that there comments are not acceptable). My father-in-law is amazing with my DD, he didn't ever even hold his own children when they were very little, he recently had a massive party to invite all of his Chinese friends to 'welcome' his grand-daughter to the family and community. And all of this from a man who originally thought boys were better.

I do however agree that if they continue to be so negative towards her then the situation should be re-assed as it would be unacceptable for OPs DD to grow up thinking she was 'second class' for being a girl.

"I just think that maybe the gran-parents should be given a chance to get to know her first (after they have been spoken to, to let them know that there comments are not acceptable)"

This tactic would have some effect if Ice was actually dealing with emotionally healthy individuals as ILs but clearly they are not. Such dysfunctional people do not play and never play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. If this is how they have behaved to date with a 4 month old they will be no different when the child is 4. Also if Ice was to have any more children (particularly male) this child would be completely favoured by the ILs with his elder sister being completely ignored.

The only things you can do Ice is for you and DH to present a united front and forcefully tell them that such behaviour is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. DH in particular must stand up to his parents; after all his primary loyalty is or should be now to you as his wife. Tolerating these people in any way, shape or form makes them worse.

TBH what would these people bring into your lives anyway?. They are truly messing up here, you did not make them this way inclined.

Ice, would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this may well help you.

"If this is how they have behaved to date with a 4 month old they will be no different when the child is 4."

Not necessarily

My MIL was completely different by the time dd was 18 months.

Yeah it can change, my gps famously loathed me! I was an import rather than a biological grandchild. As I grew I soon became adored.

If they have merit in other ways a big talk and a chance could be tried. Ynbu whatever you decide though.

Good idea to have your DH speak to them and give them one warning about how their behaviour and language is completely unacceptable and that both of you will not put up with it.

It gives them a chance to change.

this is the kind of attitude that would make me chuck cups of scalding tea in faces during meet-the-baby visits.

seriously, i start throwing around phrases like "kerb sandwich" and "dragged into the street and shot" when people talk like this about children.

FUUUUUUCKKKKK now i am angry for you OP

oikopolis - how you posted is exactly how angry I am and down to me and how I feel they'd never see nor hear about my precious baby ever again BUT my reaction is not necessarily helpful or rational so was looking for perspective.

Giving that largely people seem to agree with me may not be completely irrational afterall.

I can't believe this! On what PLANET do they possibily think that those comments are acceptable - to anyone, let alone their son and his wife about their grandchild.

I would give them a VERY wide berth.

I bet your PIL really wanted a girl and to mask the pain told themselves boys were better, and are now taking it out on their GD.

I would cut them off but first explain why clearly and give them terms of engagement should they wish to have contact.

This is awful. Just awful What toxic people. What on earth does your dh think? Why has he not tackled them about this?

I had the opposite. I have 2 ds's. After ds2's birth I got lots of comments along the lines of "never mind, you can try again!"

Some people are just...odd and damaged. Dont let them damage you or your dd!

Very much agree with the view that these are toxic people, and second what Sparkly said.

You're there to protect your child from people who would do/say things that will hurt them, why wouldn't that also mean family members?

My GP's felt the same about me. My parents had been promised a pram if they had a boy, so didn't buy one thinking they'd get one regardless, they didn't. They didn't treat the other girls cousins the same as me (I knew full well they others were treated better) but it was something to do with my dad being the eldest and his eldest should be a boy. Weirdly my grandmother was the eldest in her family, so didn't understand that. It was only when I was in my teens and my GP's divorced that my grandmother completely changed, apologised for what she'd done and until she died we were really close. You and DH need to lay down the law now and if they don't change they don't get to be a part of DD's life as believe me she will soon pick up on their attitude and it hurts.

Have posted about DH before - he's working through a programme and we're working on relationship while I go to freedom programme. He's pissed at his parents too but they are the ones which validate his opinions that he's not that bad...

This is not terribly helpful Ice but my own MIL (who now adores my DS and boasts about him to everyone) said several things when he was born that really hurt.

"I tried to buy him clothes but there aren't any nice ones for boys. Shame he wasn't a girl!" (Might have been a joke but I was a bit emotional post-birth.)

"Oh well, so many boys in this family. Hopefully one of my other children will give me a girl. I hope X gets pregnant soon."

"[When SIL got pregnant] I think she's likely to have a girl thank god."

I simply spoke up each time and said: "Well luckily I think all mothers get the perfect child for them. So I'd be thrilled with 10 boys because I love him so much."

And I say it in a polite but firm way.

Anyway, those comments have now stopped. And I didn't have to kill anyone.....

So are we to understand from your latest post that your DH has been abusive and is in an abusers' programme, while you follow the Freedom Programme? These toxic people produced an abusive son?

Not much more proof required that you need to keep their toxic presence away from your own child, then. If your DH has voluntarily enrolled himself in an abuser's programme, then he knows how much their upbringing fucked him up, and should be able to back your desire to keep them away for his own child too.