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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell him Im not interested in a nice way?

39 replies

happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 09:38

I went out on the weekend and at a local pub were a few police officers doing random tests. Id been drinking a little through the day at a friends bbq so when I arrived at the pub I was a little merry. A little flirtatious as I looooove the police uniform.
Anyway within about an hour and a few drinks later I plucked up the courage to give one of the officers my number. At the time it was fun. The next day I got a text and was quite shocked but excited. We arranged to meet last night so I was nervous but ok.
He was a nice guy but I felt no spark at all. Now I feel so so bad as I gave him my number, so to him that tells him Im interested. Im not and I feel quite shallow about it. I didnt fancy him but he was a nice guy. He mentioned a few times about going here and there next time and that he would like to cook for me.
I dont know how to say no. Iv been rejected myself and its not nice. Today I could cry as I feel so bad.
Can anyone give me some ideas of how to do this in a nice way if there is one?

OP posts:
MaisyMooCow · 31/05/2012 09:41

Why not give it one more date and then consider ditching him. He was probably nervous the first time you met him. Next time it might be more relaxed and you never know, the spark might ignite. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 09:44

Thanks Maisy.
Yes they do but that way am I giving him the wrong idea? I really didnt feel anything and I didnt fancy him :( is that shallow?

OP posts:
fallingandlaughing · 31/05/2012 09:49

You can't make yourself fancy someone, so don't feel bad about it.

Could you say something like "Thanks for a lovely time, you really made me feel brilliant, it was so nice to spend time with someone so great even though I am not looking for a relationship at the moment".

As long as you are sure he couldn't grow on you..

fallingandlaughing · 31/05/2012 09:50

p.s. if you are not into him you are either going to have to reject him at some point or potentially spend the next 50 years with him!

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 09:53

Thanks falling.
I know but feel so bad as I gave him my number if the other way round I wouldnt feel pressure. I shouldnt of done it.
Yes I was thinking of saying how much of a lovely time I had. Yes I could say about not looking for a relationship. Do you think he will accept that? What if he says something like ok I understand so lets see each other but not rush things? He might not but just so Im prepared cos I wouldnt know what to say to that.
I dont feel he will grow on me no :(

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 09:53

did you enjoy being with him, was it fun? If so, be straight with him if he calls you again, say you like his company but you are not interested in a relationship with him. He then knows where he is and can decide if he wants to meet up on that basis or not. THe longer you take to tell him, the harder it is on him really if you think about it.

piratecat · 31/05/2012 09:57

oh don't be too hard on yourself, you sound like a lovely person. I guess that's the problem, it's not nice to let someone down.

If he rings you, just say it 'was great to meet up, and thankyou, but I can't see us as a couple'

i think that's quite polite and straight?

good luck.

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 09:58

Thanks ZZZ.
Yes this is true and thats why I need to tell him today.
He was chatting alot about his job and this was interesting. Fun? Ummm no I dont think it was fun it was like chatting to a friend or a new friend.
I dont even want to meet up with him even if he agrees to just meet up knowing I dont want a relationship.
I feel so mean. I know you cant force feelings but I gave him my number just cos I have this stupid thing about police. I was a little drunk and now regret it as I led him on in some way.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 31/05/2012 10:02

"Thanks for a lovely time, you really made me feel brilliant, it was so nice to spend time with someone so great even though I am not looking for a relationship at the moment".

is wonderful. But can I be a bit blunter? Remember the Lily Allen song! What your policeman is doing is putting on the 'nice' so that he gets to his ultimate goal: your open legs. Sorry to be so direct. Flirty behaviour is INSTANTLY translated into: 'I might get in here'. You as a human being don't feature.

So compliment him, "Thanks for a lovely time, you and your handsome uniform really made me feel brilliant, it was so nice to spend time with someone so great even though I am not looking for a relationship at the moment. And as I don't do casual sex, I won't waste any more of your time, regards, happymummy"

If you aren't crystal, he'll keep on seeing the possibility not the person. And if he DID see you as a person... well,

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:03

Thanks pirate. Thats a nice thing to say thankyou. Its awful letting people down. As I know myself there are not so nice guys out there that dont think twice of letting you down. Then there are the nice guys who you dont want to hurt.
I will def thank him and tell him he is a lovely person cos he seemed lovely. Yes thats a polite way!
I did get the impression he doesnt socialise much etc. Just him and his little dog. He has a great job and he seems to love it.

OP posts:
gymboywalton · 31/05/2012 10:06

abitwobblynow-that is incredibly harsh and cynical!! poor bloke!!!
are you that damning about all men?

just do what we used to do back in the day and avoid his calls.....Grin

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:10

Thanks Abit.
Iv not heard that Lily Allen song but yes I can imagine this to be true I know of a couple of i love myself policemen. He really isnt like that though this you can tell instantly.
Yes Im going to go with this...
Thankyou for a lovely night I had a lovely time. It was great to spend some time with someone so interesting and down to earth. Although Im not looking for any kind of relationship right now but would really like it if we stayed friends? xx
How does that sound?
I want him to believe its because I dont want a relationship I dont want him thinking its him.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:11

Thanks gym but I couldnt do that!! If he was a nob maybe but no I couldnt!

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 31/05/2012 10:15

gymboy sorry that is not a panning of men 'all men are bastards' but an acknowledgement of that wonderful chemical testosterone (long may it last in my life Wink)

Women are surprisingly naive about men, assume they are like women, think and feel like women, and I don't think they really understand that enormous drive in which men will do and say ANYTHING to get fulfilled. And, if women accepted the reality of men a bit more, they could discern a bit better.

Tell me I am wrong, gymboy, I dare you!!! I have many brothers, my best friend has many brothers and this tomboy grew up in a very male environment and watched the schmoozing! (picked up the pieces later when she wailed 'I thought he cared').

Thistledew · 31/05/2012 10:18

You do not owe him anything other than your polite and honest response. Giving him your number, flirting with him, and going on one date does not create any obligation towards him or his feelings. Too often women put themselves in a position where they ignore or put aside their own feelings of discomfort because they feel some obligation to a man (who is really little more than a stranger) not to upset or put him out in any way.

Can you really imagine him, or any other man, contemplating continuing to see a woman after just one date because he is worried she will be disappointed?

Let him down firmly, pleasantly and politely, and then take some time to think about why you feel the need to put protecting his feelings above your own discomfort. You are very vulnerable at the moment to being suckered into an abusive relationship with a man who would not hesitate to play on the difficulty you have with standing up for and acting on your own feelings.

BunnyLebowski · 31/05/2012 10:21

'What your policeman is doing is putting on the 'nice' so that he gets to his ultimate goal: your open legs. Sorry to be so direct. Flirty behaviour is INSTANTLY translated into: 'I might get in here'. You as a human being don't feature.'

What. An. Utter. Load. Of. Shit. Hmm Hmm

solidgoldbrass · 31/05/2012 10:26

Look, no one owes anyone anything after one date. Dating is how you decide whether or not you want to see more of a person. Abitwobbly's suggestion about saying 'I can't see us as a couple and I don't do casual sex' is a nice, clear and ethical way of giving him the brush-off.
It doesn't matter that you made the first move and started the flirting. Again, that's what people do - it's not possible to be sure that someone's a good potential partner after one brief meeting, you date the person to see what potential there is.

And THistledew's right as well, some predatory men will take advantage of the fact that a lot of women are socialised to be 'nice', and will keep on pushing and ignoring women's refusals.

BunnyLebowski · 31/05/2012 10:32

Jesus wept Hmm

According to the OP the guy was nice and friendly and offered to cook for her. She makes no reference to him physically trying it on. Not even a kiss.

Yet you're all making out like he's some sex-crazed whackjob who wants to fuck and run. Or lure her into an abusive relationship Hmm.

OP - you clearly don't have the urge to see him again. Be honest with him, finish it politely and move on.

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:38

I agree alot of women are naive. I know cos I have been in the past. I have learnt so much about men and how they act in the 2 years I have been single.
Thanks Thistle. This is true but I cant help but feel I asked for this. You are right though of course I have to be comfortable and thats why I dont want a second date as I know I dont feel anything and it wouldnt be fair on him.
No def not this is what I have said men dont always consider our feelings. Well in my experience they havnt. Im hoping and Im sure there are some that do though.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 31/05/2012 10:40

What a strange view of men? The ones I know do indeed like sex, but they also like interesting company, emotional connection, etc.

Anyway, I would just let the guy know you don't want to go out again, but thank him for a lovely date. Be polite, you have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:43

Thanks solid. I know I dont owe him well Im telling myself I dont. Just feel bad but this is natural I guess.
Thanks bunny yes I will.
Oh I dont like this dating lark!!

OP posts:
fallingandlaughing · 31/05/2012 10:46

If you don't want to be friends with him, don't suggest it! It will only lead to another awkward conversation if he takes you up on the suggestion.

Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:49

Thanks Mumsy. Im glad everyone is saying Iv done nothing wrong. I thought I was going to get a different response. Feel better now. Now Iv just got to tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyhappymummy · 31/05/2012 10:50

I will be friends with him for sure. He is a local police officer. He may not want to be but I dont like bad feeling I will always have time to chat to him if he wanted to.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 31/05/2012 10:50

This is getting silly. Don't talk about whether you do or do not do casual sex or whether you are currently looking for a relationship. That is insulting as it assumes that is what he is after, especially after you gave him your number. There are 2 realistic options. The slightly cowardly but acceptable one is avoid him until he gets the message. The best one is to be honest: "thanks for a lovely evening, I enjoyed your company but there was no spark so I don't want to meet again". As SGB says, a date is a free look. People should not be offended by being politely rejected after a date. If they are, it is their look out.

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