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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If the man you were trying to dump said....

39 replies

Bucharest · 31/05/2012 06:18

Very calmly and like he was truly concerned....

"But if we finished I'd spend all my time worrying that you weren't coping and that you'd do something stupid"

What would you think about his attitude to you and the relationship? Gut reaction?

(sorry to be cryptic, am trying to help a friend out and don't know if I've spent too long on here or am reading this situation correctly)

OP posts:

ClaireFromWork · 31/05/2012 06:22

Well if he said that to me I'd tell him that it was my job to worry about my coping ability and reassure him I wouldn't do anything stupid. It's not a reason to stay together though.

Also I suppose what "do something stupid means" - try to commit suicide? go out and leave the front door wide open? I can't really comment on that because the scope is so broad.

xkcdfangirl · 31/05/2012 06:38

I would think this man has no respect for me as a person, and I should run a mile from him.

Someone who says something like that has no actual understanding of a loving relationship - what they want is a power, control and emotional vampirism relationship, which is not something you want to be a part of.

BIWItheBold · 31/05/2012 06:44

I would think he was an arrogant and patronising twat, and that I was making absolutely the right decision. And I would dump him forcefully and with immediate effect.

GoPoldark · 31/05/2012 06:52

I'd reply-

'Well I'm sorry, but I can hardly stay with you just to support you through being a patronising little worry-wart wannabe Mummykins, can I?'

CrystalsAreCool · 31/05/2012 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oogaballoo · 31/05/2012 07:02

Sounds like they think the break up would cause their ex to go into a massive spiral and might "do something stupid". Which is very insulting and overestimates just how important they are. They're making your friend sound unstable and unable to cope with the world without them. They also sound like they feel that their role involves being some kind of caretaker.

LovesPeace · 31/05/2012 07:12

Oh, please!
Your friend will manage just fine without the controlling fool.

BillyBollyBandy · 31/05/2012 07:18

"You're mental" would be my reply.

That was my reply when my recent (at the time) ex told me that maybe if we worked through my insecurities he could take me back.

Erm no you controlling weirdo.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 07:19

I would think he was patronising, controlling and creepy

I would dump him, and have no further contact at all

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 07:20

How long has your friend been "trying" to dump this Loser ?

HerHissyness · 31/05/2012 07:21

I'd tell him the following if i were her.

"I'd be no longer be any of your concern"

maras2 · 31/05/2012 07:24

She could try the Mumsnet mantra ' fuck the fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more'.What a wierdo.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 07:35

My gut reaction is that they would be thinking i was a pathetic little woman who needed looking after. I would also think they were controlling.

Actually that reminds me of an ex who was indeed controlling, jealous, insecure and why would try to disguise all of this by pretending it was for my own benefit and he was only trying to look after me!

Original poster

Bucharest · 31/05/2012 07:55

Thanks lovelies...I've been biting my tongue with her for a while...

Sorry for drip drip but I don't want her coming across this...(although...)

Your thoughts are my thoughts, I just wanted to hear it from the relationships jury.

She and I don't live near each other unfortunately so all my prodding and asking pertinent Qs is via email/phone which is not ideal, but their relationship is also long distance. He wants her to move to be near him (my thoughts: why doesn't he offer to move? why does it have to be her?) He rings her to remind her to do stuff in her own house (my thoughts: fuck the fuck off etc etc)

I have messaged her this morning saying I don't like this latest "I'm worried about you" stuff at all, because he isclearly only worried about himself and trying to make it seem like she will be the one who will fall apart,so he can "save" her and look after her, when for a month or so now she's been telling me she wants out.

Off to work now,will update later. But I reckon she'll come back at me telling me how lovely and caring he is and how I've got him wrong. (she already told me that she didn't know how she got through various episodes without him)

He creeps me out and I've never even met him.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 08:00

[shivers]

tribpot · 31/05/2012 08:03

Never 'try' to dump someone. Always just dump them and be nice and clear about it. So that's point 1.

If there was some genuine reason why the dumper needed support (for example, a mental health problem) and the dumpee genuinely felt they needed said support to keep them from harm, dumpee would willingly offer this help without the need to perpetuate the relationship, out of friendship with the dumper.

If the dumpee was just a creepy fuckwit trying to psyche the dumper into believing she's not a grown woman perfectly capable of looking after herself I'd tell him he needn't worry but do fuck off, there's a good chap.

Original poster

Bucharest · 31/05/2012 08:03

And....checking my phone I have a text saying I've misread him and she's told me all the bad and none of the good, so I've replied saying OK tell me something that doesn't make me think he wants to save you and look after you because that is not what a normal boy-girl relationship is about.

She asked him what he meant by coping without him and he said it's because he's worried she only has a small circle of friends. I told her to tell him it's quality not quantity.

Fuxache. I'm imagining him arranging all her towels now.

OP posts:

KnottyLocks · 31/05/2012 08:03

I'd say your gut feelings are absolutely right.

He sounds like a completely self-interested manipulator. I suspect he probably told her she only got through those episodes because of him.

Longtalljosie · 31/05/2012 08:04

Well - assuming I didn't laugh in his face...

I would find it a bit creepy. It's an attempt to undermine the dumper's judgement. But it shouldn't have been enough to call off the dumping, surely? Wouldn't your friend have said "well, I really wouldn't worry" and continued? Because if she said "errr" and carried on seeing him - he clearly knows what buttons to push!

CrazyChicken · 31/05/2012 08:08

He's wearing her down, making her think she can't cope without him. Sounds like its starting to work.

tribpot · 31/05/2012 08:08

he's worried she only has a small circle of friends

How unnecessarily caring of him . Fortunately she'll have more spare time to go out and meet new people if she wants after she's dumped his sorry ass.

Fourlegged · 31/05/2012 08:09

Yup a creepY guy.....who obviously thinks he us something special!

daffydowndilly · 31/05/2012 08:11

I would say he has narcissistic tendencies, if he has such a high opinion of himself that her life will shatter if he is not in it (very childish attitude). He is controlling, has a low emotional intelligence. She is being codependent (more concerned about his needs than hers) and he is being emotionally abusive because she is letting him.

And there is nothing you can really do about it. Sadly. I would try and discourage her from moving to him though... if she gives up her job and friends to be near him, it will be very isolating.

ComradeJing · 31/05/2012 08:40

Poor woman.

Herrena · 31/05/2012 08:45

What a manipulative, creepy thing to say. Tell your friend to run a mile!!

I suppose she would not thank you if you printed this thread and showed it to her. What a shame - it would be an eye-opener IMO.

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