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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

getting back with ex am i mad?

42 replies

phoenix2 · 29/05/2012 10:33

i have so much on my mind i dont know how to get it all out - my head is spinning.
i seperated from my H in jan, he was emotionally abusive and had a serious temper was threatening me towards the end to harm me, wipe the smile off my face etc etc so i ended up going to court and getting a barring order and him removed from the house. it felt like holidays once he was gone the peace and quiet was fantastic (have 3 kids by the way). after the first couple of weeks though the reality of life on my own hit, the pain of what i had gone through was still with me and still is. i work full time but started drinking wine most nights - had lost all inability to relax - was all over the place.
then in april i got sick and was in hospital for two weeks. H took the kids for 3 weeks and called to see me with them every day (he was always a really hands on dad) and of course one thing led to another and now we are back sleeping together - i am back cooking his dinners and i thought it was what i wanted but i am totally freaked out. he is being really nice and helpful and affectionate but he is also doing strange things and the bit i am confused about is are they intentional? is he playing mind games again? is he just very indecisive? cold? just being a man?. I suppose i haven't had normal in my life for so long im not sure how to recognise it.

so this man who is supposed to have undergone counselling, angermanagement who has told me he has changed completely, is a different person, has learned so much, will never risk losing us again etc is behaving a little bit oddly. For example our FIRST wedding aniversary was yesterday - he didn't get me anything not even a card, when i challenged him as to why he said that he offered to take me to a hotel for the night but i said no so he thought that meant i didn't want to acknowlege the aniversary. this is bull the only reason i said no the the night away is that we had no babysitter.
he used to always joke about my weight, insult me basically and although i am technically underweight at the moment he is teasing me that i need to tone up. He stayed over at my house over a wk/end a couple of weeks ago and on sun night i didn't want to have s#x - he did - so he started complaining that we dont do it often enough and the atmosphere he created was horible. Bear in mind i still have a barring order against this man so wouldn't you tink he would be happy to just be allowed near me - never mind putting pressure on me! He convinced me a few weeks ago and if we get back together we should move into a new house (the one he is currently living in) and he even ordered a new stairs to do an attic conversion, then at the weekend he started saying he really likes where we are living, lovely neighbours etc - is he playing with my mind on just acting like a four year old??

i could go on and on with small examples and i really hope i am looking for problems - maybe he isnt abusive anymore, maybe i am still so hurt from the past that everything he does and says is wrong? i am going to counselling but i am not sure my counsellor really gets how badly he has damaged me.

if you are confused reading this i dont blame you! i dont know what way is up. i am back drinking wine 4 nights per week i am very down very upset BUT i would like to think that there is a way of getting past all this crap and have a future with him.
Help!!!!!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 29/05/2012 10:35

To answer your thread title - not mad, but you're having the wool pulled over your eyes.

There is no way in hell I'd get back with him.

Original poster
phoenix2 · 29/05/2012 10:37

sorry in the 2nd last paragraph i meant to say i really hope i am not just looking for problems!

OP posts:
Offred · 29/05/2012 10:40

Yes, you are completely mad! Don't get back with him. He's being nice to trap you, it will go back to actual abuse and escalate if you get back together properly. This is all part of the cycle of abuse.

Offred · 29/05/2012 10:41

There is no way at all he has changed in such a short time and you have got back with him because you think he has. He has wheedled back in when you were vulnerable and dependent.

Offred · 29/05/2012 10:42

Have not!

Lemonylemon · 29/05/2012 10:43

Absolutely what everyone else has said. Steer clear.

squeakytoy · 29/05/2012 10:43

Yes, you are mad. Some people can and do change, but it is rare. Doesnt sound to me like he has changed at all, other than to become more convincing at fooling you into thinking that he has.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2012 10:47

Not mad but I think you're being taken for a ride. Abusers are never abusive 24/7. They keep their victim on the hook and anxious to please by alternating horrible behaviour with nice behaviour... I call it 'good cop, bad cop'. They smash your self-esteem to the point where you think you can't survive without them... newsflash... you can. They do blur your definition of 'normal' by being consistently abnormal. Anger management courses etc. are meat and drink to abusers because they can make all the right noises, point to their efforts and use it as 'proof' that they are reformed characters. It is simply a tool to help them get their own way again. They have no intention of changing.

There is a future with these people but it is a very sad and miserable future. You're drinking wine again and wondering if you've done the right thing because you've realised that you threw over your chance of freedom when your defences were down and have now condemned yourself to more of the same crap... He's already pressurising you for sex, ignoring your anniversary, making fun of your appearance. . 'Good cop' didn't stick around long, did he?

The only 'way past' is to gather up your courage and kick him out again. Life as a single parent is not a bed of roses but it can be rewarding. Your children will also benefit from having a relationship role model of a strong and independent mother... rather than the role model of a bullying father and an intimidated mother.

Good luck this time.

pumpkinsweetie · 29/05/2012 10:56

Don't do it you will live to regret it, once an abusive partner always an abusive partner-i believe strongly in that phrase having been with an emotionally abusive partner in the past.
He will never change and his behaviour could turn physicall as did mine, for 3 years i was with a man like yours and i gave him chance after chance, kept going back believing he would change-he never did he just got worse, he controlled me to the point i wasn't allowed to see friends or family and even locked me in my own home and one day he hit me-that was the last straw for me.

Focus on pastures new and the future don't dwell on the past, you deserve much better.
Do not be fooled by promises of change

tallwivglasses · 29/05/2012 10:57

Blimey, you don't have to go looking for problems - they're jumping right out atcha!

Take the good advice again please or it's just going to be a prolonged misery for you.

MissFaversham · 29/05/2012 11:03

OP and ex is an ex for a reason and he's still showing you why you dumped him in a more subtle manner. Get shot of him sweetheart and just co-parent together.

TheHappyHissy · 29/05/2012 13:36

these men don't change, not really. Even if they stop behaving like this, the old fear they create in you is still there.

Clean break, clean slate, get rid and don't look back.

If you get sucked back in, you'll find it harder to get out the next time. Don't do it, PLEASE?

HecateTrivia · 29/05/2012 13:37

He hasn't changed. He's trying to suck you back in.

Please consider carefully whether you want to end up right back at square one and have to get out all over again.

pictish · 29/05/2012 13:41

OP you're not asking our opinion really - you're looking for confirmation that it's ok to end this relationship for good.
I'll gladly give it to you. He's a dead loss. You had the right idea the first time round. This time make it stick.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2012 14:10

phoenix2

I remember you well from before.

No, no and thrice (no make that a million times) NO re getting back with him. That idea needs to be banished from your mind as of now.

He has put you and your daughter in particular through hell and high water.

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. He has not changed, they all say what this bloke does to further sucker their victims in this case you and your three children back in.

Your threads as well go back a couple of years, do not go back to square one.

pumpkinsweetie · 29/05/2012 14:23

Just read some of your old threads op, he truly is a sucker isnt he.
Get shot of him, done look back like i said in my previous post, he will not change.
DONT DO IT

Xales · 29/05/2012 14:57

All these changes since January, amazing...

However he is doing strange things and a couple of weeks ago and on sun night i didn't want to have s#x - he did - so he started complaining that we dont do it often enough and the atmosphere he created was horible and is still insulting your figure.

Erm I am confused, where are the changes apart from he has toned it down until he gets back with you?

What was the point of a barring order and eviction from your house for such a vile abusive man just to let him back in or go to his house?

I think you are very confused and need a lot more help than you are getting.

Xales · 29/05/2012 14:58

And stop having sex with him and cooking for him!

Shutupanddrive · 29/05/2012 16:13

'it felt like the holidays when he had gone, the peace and quiet was fantastic'

Remember this feeling whenever you doubt yourself again. He doesn't make you happy, and it won't get better. Leave the bastard

Lueji · 29/05/2012 16:23

Yes, you are mad.

Regain your sanity and stay away for good.

In addition you have made it more difficult to get him out of your house a second time. :(

Use your barring order, if you still can. Because you have allowed him back.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 29/05/2012 16:28

I remember your previous threads. It was the unanimous opinion of posters that you needed to get out because he had been abusing your daughter for a number of years and as a result she couldn't speak, eat or function properly and had no confidence or self-esteem.

I find it astonishing that you are still asking whether being with him is a good thing (well, duh!), and I'm saddened that you make no mention of your horribly damaged DD in your post. This has been going on for four years - why do you continually fail to stand up for her?

oikopolis · 29/05/2012 17:00

i think you are in great danger and are putting yourself and your children in harm's way by allowing this person back into your life.

get your trainers on and run. seriously.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/05/2012 19:07

I was just going to agree with all the "mad and deluded, he hasn't changed, he's just learned to be less blatant with it", when I noticed your posting name. I, too, remember. This is the absolute bastard - I make no apology at all for the phrase - who bullied your DD so much she could hardly speak or eat. He was a dreadful, dreadful step-parent to her and I hate to think how she's feeling now he's been invited back into her life. I'm guessing he wasn't too horrible to her when he was looking after them when you were ill, not because he's turned over a new leaf but because he realised the old techniques had been rumbled.

There is no ultimate happiness with a man like this. He's wired all wrong. He can't be nice more often than it takes to sucker you back in.

You're not going to believe us, are you?

Abitwobblynow · 29/05/2012 19:15

If your head is spinning and you don't know what is up or down, you are being abused.

PLEASE know you can survive on your own. Without wine. You can. Do it for your D.

OurPlanetNeptune · 29/05/2012 19:40

Dear God woman. Never mind you, you would be condemning your daughter to yet more abuse. How fucked up do you want her to be?

Please do not get back with him. For your daughter's sake. She has no choice in the matter but you do. God you haven't even mentioned her in your OP... that in itself is appalling OP.

YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD BE PROTECTED FROM THIS MAN.

What are you thinking?