getting back with ex am i mad?

[phoenix2]

i have so much on my mind i dont know how to get it all out - my head is spinning.
i seperated from my H in jan, he was emotionally abusive and had a serious temper was threatening me towards the end to harm me, wipe the smile off my face etc etc so i ended up going to court and getting a barring order and him removed from the house. it felt like holidays once he was gone the peace and quiet was fantastic (have 3 kids by the way). after the first couple of weeks though the reality of life on my own hit, the pain of what i had gone through was still with me and still is. i work full time but started drinking wine most nights - had lost all inability to relax - was all over the place.
then in april i got sick and was in hospital for two weeks. H took the kids for 3 weeks and called to see me with them every day (he was always a really hands on dad) and of course one thing led to another and now we are back sleeping together - i am back cooking his dinners and i thought it was what i wanted but i am totally freaked out. he is being really nice and helpful and affectionate but he is also doing strange things and the bit i am confused about is are they intentional? is he playing mind games again? is he just very indecisive? cold? just being a man?. I suppose i haven't had normal in my life for so long im not sure how to recognise it.

so this man who is supposed to have undergone counselling, angermanagement who has told me he has changed completely, is a different person, has learned so much, will never risk losing us again etc is behaving a little bit oddly. For example our FIRST wedding aniversary was yesterday - he didn't get me anything not even a card, when i challenged him as to why he said that he offered to take me to a hotel for the night but i said no so he thought that meant i didn't want to acknowlege the aniversary. this is bull the only reason i said no the the night away is that we had no babysitter.
he used to always joke about my weight, insult me basically and although i am technically underweight at the moment he is teasing me that i need to tone up. He stayed over at my house over a wk/end a couple of weeks ago and on sun night i didn't want to have s#x - he did - so he started complaining that we dont do it often enough and the atmosphere he created was horible. Bear in mind i still have a barring order against this man so wouldn't you tink he would be happy to just be allowed near me - never mind putting pressure on me! He convinced me a few weeks ago and if we get back together we should move into a new house (the one he is currently living in) and he even ordered a new stairs to do an attic conversion, then at the weekend he started saying he really likes where we are living, lovely neighbours etc - is he playing with my mind on just acting like a four year old??

i could go on and on with small examples and i really hope i am looking for problems - maybe he isnt abusive anymore, maybe i am still so hurt from the past that everything he does and says is wrong? i am going to counselling but i am not sure my counsellor really gets how badly he has damaged me.

if you are confused reading this i dont blame you! i dont know what way is up. i am back drinking wine 4 nights per week i am very down very upset BUT i would like to think that there is a way of getting past all this crap and have a future with him.
Help!!!!!

It sounds to me like you've made your choice. Your DD has no choice anymore and it seems her future lies with Social Services.

Oh no, I've read some of your old threads. What the heck are you doing? You are, I'm afraid, deluded, and your poor poor daughter - please please find the strength to get rid again. [cry]

Sorry to be so harsh but I don't think you're taking your daughter's safety into account in all this. I remember your previous posts and there is no way you should be allowing this man back into your lives. Get him back out and get yourself some r/l support. He doesn't need counselling and anger management. He needs to go on a perpetrator programme.

How do you find old threads?

Ok I have just read some of your old threads.

You seriously are still sleeping with this man, allowing him to stay over in your house and cooking for him?!?!?

I really think that a barring order in January to being ill in April was not enough space for you to move on from being an abused woman and understand from that perspective how hard it is for you to escape.

You and your DD have been suffering from abuse from this man for years now.

If you allow him back and he so much as looks at your DD wrong you are as guilty for letting this happen as he is.

I actually think that cooking him dinners, allowing him to stay over, staying over at his or having any more than the minimum needed contact for your mutual DC shows your DD just who is higher in your list of priorities.

Wobbly, you can search by username using the 'advance search' button on this page to look up old threads

thanks for all the honest replies - ye dont mess about!!

i had a good session with my counsellor today - although she cant advise she has told me that he cant change if hes not willing and he clearly isn't. He told me last week that he had done 10 sessions with her in jan and feb - well this was news to her - she said she couldn't really comment but she thought it was more like 3 or 4 - lying shit. You should have heard the way he told me who helpful he found these sessions and how much he learned - what a good liar he is. I had counselling last friday too and he asked me that evening how i got on - i just gave a non-commital answer 'early days' and he said then that he didn't find them any good either - it just slipped out then he went on to say 'but at the same time i found them very good - does that make any sense' - i said 'no that makes no sense at all'. I reckon he hates the thoughts of me doing counselling as he knows what the outcome will be.

DD is doing great and i did ask her how she felt about him calling around the house again - she said she had no problem with it - in fact didn't seem to know what the problem would be.

counsellor reckons we could see each other maybe 3 times a week just for co-parenting but not for the sake of the relationship.

so thats all fine - but i dont feel fine at all - i dread going back to being on my own and the way i see it without a future - i know that sounds very defeatist and i have no choice but i feel my life is ruined.

also my feeling for him are very strong - goes from love to hate to fear to pure happiness. how do i cure myself - i have so much pain inside that i don't know how to move on - counselling obviously is helpful but i just feel so weak and so damaged and so bloody tired from it all.

Your life can only be ruined by being with this man.

And your DD's when he's allowed to be what he was before.

Frankly your counsellor sounds rubbish, does she understand anything about DV? He doesn't need counselling or anger management, he needs to go on a perpetrator's programme. You would be better off doing the Freedom Programme either online or in a local group. You can't co-parent with an abusive partner who has been barred from your house. It's bonkers.

There is no helping some people and unfortunately you are one of them

Well, it's your choice. If you go back to him, go back knowing that that life is the one you are walking back into and you have chosen it.

Personally, I would hope you feel you and your child are worth more than that and that you find a counsellor who can help you to feel that.

I can't believe you're even considering taking him back. He doesn't sound as though he's change at all and he's already lying to you and pressuring you into sex. You're not alone. You have the support of mn and you have your kids. I know it's not the same as rl adult company but it's surely better than being with someone that abuses you and your daughter.

You deserve better. So do your kids.

"DD is doing great and i did ask her how she felt about him calling around the house again - she said she had no problem with it - in fact didn't seem to know what the problem would be."

So, your DD loves you and wants you to be happy. That's lovely.

Do you love her and want her to be happy?

I think you're addicted to him like someone can be addicted to cigarettes. If you can get over the withdrawal symptoms, you'll get past the craving and you'll start finding the smoke disgusting. But it doesn't happen all in a day. You have to give yourself enough time.

Hand on heart, I swear to you that if you give yourself enough time away from this man, things will get better and better for you. If you take him back, you know it can only end badly. You know it.

And if your dd doesn't see something wrong in having him around, think how skewed her perception of normal relationships are. You're allowing her to think this is the way life is. That's an awful thing to do to her.

I think your dd might just be so conditioned to him, she thinks it's normal. Tbh.

Your daughter has been with him far too long hence the reason she has been conditioned to think his behaviour is normal.
Consider your daughter, she should come first before any man.
If you take him back expect ss to give you a visit, everyone on this thread has told you not to do it so please dont.
He's abusive, controlling and manipulative dont take any chances xx

Phoenix: you are addicted to him. The drama of being around him no matter how painful is BETTER than the absolute horror of being with yourself.

And that, my dear, is where you have to be. It is living hell, and that is why you drink alcohol/agree to be abused: so you don't have to feel that terrible empty despair. But you must, because that is where you need to go, to find yourself!

And you will sacrifice your own child to not feel??? You will chose a man, over your own flesh and blood, that you have a sacred duty, you are SUPPOSED to protect?

He is being a classic abuser. If you have any spare pennies, please buy Lundy Bancroft 'should I stay or should I go'? He pulls no punches about these abusive men.

Phoenix please go onto the freedom programme. Really. This isn't about him. This is about YOU.