Advice on child contact - safety for mother

[whereismumhiding]

I dont know if I am posting in the right topic, but can anyone help me? I know it wont be expert legal advice but anything would help me right now.

I am divorced and have 3 young children (4, 7, 9) by my ex-H. He was abusive and violent towards throughout our marriage and post separation. He was arrested twice for assaulting me on contact handovers, police were constantly attending and removing him from property, until eventually we managed to get safe handover arrangements where he was ordered not to enter property or drive way and all handovers to take place.

We tried other neutral places, but he turns up 2-4 hours late, keeping me waiting and tries to grab me and lies about everything.

Three years down the line, he has moved 60 miles away and constantly harrasses me through court. For 3 years I have been in court 7 times a year. We are agreeing increased contact but now he wants me to collect at his (rural isolated) house hours drive away. There is no way on earth I would go anywhere on my own near him but - stupid stupid - children's guardian ad litem is useless and said handover needs to be "arranged between parties". I want to swear. Which just means that even if "we agree to do usual handovers", if it is not ordered as "always at family home with him not entering property", he will "find a reason" to not return the children and insist I drive to his rural property or he wont return the children and I wont be safe. He lives with a girlfriend who lies and argues violently with him. I dont want the children to have to go through that again, and I am sooo over it, having had the luxury of being in the safety of my property with a 40 foot drive between me and a man who switches between charm and violence so quickly.

The judges seem to have a short memory- we are on to the 6th judge now and I swear they dont read the case file- the guardian ad litem even commented that a lot of the file was missing and frankly the system is inadequate.

We had a fact finding around the domestic violence 2 years ago including the police reports and children services reports heavily criticizing my ex-H (who had contact removed contact then it was ordered as supervised for a year (as he was abusing the children physically and neglecting them - another issue which has resolved over time). But the fact finding after repeated court dates and 10 days at court in 2010 spiralling out of control, was abandonned as he stopped paying maintanence, I had no money to continue as the church was giving us vouchers to feed the children (I wasnt eating at all) but as he made limited agreements, agreed to give an endeavour to court he would not drink (in place for 18 months) not to drink 24 hours before and during contact and he agreed to do a 26 hour anger management course (instead of the DV perpetrators course which he said via his barrister "he was willing to do but it fell on a night he had meetings on" and would "cause him to lose his job"). I wish I had continued but I couldnt keep going. The local police know him well but not the ones where he lives now.

i am devastated that I may have to go through this again. Can anyone give me any useful advice?

I came here to ask for advice and found this - blimey I wish I could give you advice, other than fight, fight fight and keep on fighting until you can get this man out of your childrens lives altogether. It sounds as though the Services will save a heck of a lot of money if they made that decision - perhaps if you appeal to them on those grounds they may be more interested (sadly).

I really don't understand why social services would allow children any contact with a man who physically abused them.

Oh thank you Horsetowater, I am sat here desperately waiting for anything- advice or support.

Yes, court, cafcass and children services do allow contact to fathers who physically abuse their children.

Apparently bruising a child in anger is not enough. Nothing is enough.

But the worst time for the children is during handovers is presently when they get hurt running to protect me, when he goes for me. My 9 year old (4 foot 9) constantly tries to get in the way to "protect mummy". My heart is breaking.

Ironically I dont blame children services. They have been great. The court has been rubbish. They dont listen to police nor children services. Neither do cafcass, who dont seem to get domestic violence perps at all. ("Really? Do they lie? But they said... You really ought to put aside your differences (broken bones, black eyes).. and try to get on..What do you mean you dont want to be near them, you share children you ought to try to get on and listen to his views...")

There's something fundamentally wrong with what they are doing as allowing children to witness DV is a child protection no-no. They shouldn't be letting you be present when there is a handover, surely? I'd get the solicitor onto it (again). I agree that the law is indeed an ass when it comes to child protection. Possibly largely because it's dominated by men, usually middle class men that don't understand why people simply can't sort their problems out in a decent manner, over a Port and a cigar. All these silly wimmin and their rights trying to make men's lives so difficult.

cant afford solicitor. Cost me £26,000 last time. Seriously who has that kind of money, still paying it off....

I do wish we had a Mumsnet vigilante team to go and sort these twats out. I guess all we can do in the meantime is keep feeding information to Childrens Services.

Horsetowater--- but what would we do?! Mumsnet vigilantes would line teddy bears up outside his house to look badly at him!! That's about as much as I'd ever do, if I "lost it"!! ...

That's the beauty of being a mum, a real sense of perspective and lack of immorality to go too far, unlike the smellier sex!!! (sorry as am sure there are lots of kind men out there too..!)

I can think of quite a few things actually. The fact that our laws are upheld by men for men means we can have all the 'sense of perspective and lack of immorality' we want but women will continue to be abused and taken advantage of, with children suffering the most.

It's not entirely a sexism issue, it's as much a massive failure to ensure procedure complies with policy.

Hi OP, I don't have any practical advice to offer I'm afraid but your situation sounds dreadful.

You might get a bit more traffic on this if you post in Chat though. Hopefully someone there with more information will spot it and be able to help you.

Keep being strong

Have you tried contacting Womens Aid? Not that you are in the relationship anymore, but they may be able to offer some advice and support, especially if the children are still suffering ?

I have no advice but just wanted to say that you sound like such a strong woman and are doing a great job in trying to protect yourself and your children from this idiot.

I'm sorry the courts are making it more difficult for you.

I would be inclined to make a formal complaint about the guardian ad litem and the cafcass officer as they don't seem to be taking the history of abuse seriously, and that could compromise the children's safety. Try calling rights of women, their helpline is staffed by legally trained volunteers so they may have some ideas. I'm sorry the courts are letting you and your children down so badly, it's appalling that you can't rely on the law for protection from this clearly dangerous man. You must be really strong to have coped with this for so many years, I really admire you.

I have no experience in any of this so can't offer any advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to say I think you are being amazingly strong. I really hope you and your kids get a positive outcome from this, you deserve so much better than the courts are delivering. Stay strong xxx

Hi

Imreally sorry about your situation you poor thing. I have no experience in this area but have you tried child safe guarding? It might link you back to social services or child services unless that is what you meant by child services but it may give you more clout. Also would a nine year old be old enough to say they don't want to go to see dad as scared?

sorry not much help but so wish I could help you more xx

Read this.
www.law.ucdavis.edu/faculty/Bruch/files/AppendixD.pdf

Its the experts report that the courts are supposed to adhere to. x

I understand it that you want safe handovers? I think it would be a better idea to try to find a way to stop contact altogether! I cannot imagine for a minute that this man is safe for your children to be around or even remotely a good influence.

Id even be looking at moving away without telling him. I know some might not agree but the man is clearly dangerous so i would be planning on disappearing!

Actually you hear so much about dads who can't see their kids because the mums won't abide by the court order. I remember reading about one guy who said there was very little he could actually do about it. Perhaps look into that. What could they actually do or be likely to do if you refused contact?

I would just withhold contact. It's not something I've ever done but if I was in a position where it was apparent that the court wasn't going to protect the children then I would do it. It is hard for the court to actually force you to give contact and there have actually been cases where they won't order it if the mother is really hostile to it because forcing it would damage the children. If you withhold contact and he takes it back to court to challenge it, it will all take a while and as the children get older the court is more likely to take their views into account. You can represent yourself at court - I know it's tough if you don't know the law, but judges are more sympathetic and helpful for litigants in person because they have a duty to be.

Right, had a quick swizz at the law (lawyer but disclaimer, not a family practitioner) and have pulled this case up for you. Have a read OP, it is all about stopping contact where it is the resident parent (i.e. you) being abused by the non-resident parent (bastard ex). It might help you to think about the possibilities of stopping contact altogether, or at least persuading the court to order no contact between you and ex at hand-over. Not sure when your case was but if this has just happened you may be able to seek an appeal on the basis that the Judge failed to give sufficient weight to the background to this case.

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWCA/Civ/2000/194.html

Hopefully the link works - it's to a case law website which is free to use.

Good luck!

last post then I'll go away! If you wanted to seriously consider representing yourself (or just bone up on the law) a good place to start for a non-lawyer is the Nutshells series, which does a family law book. You can get it on Amazon or in the law section at Waterstones/Blackwells

excellent link beck - op you ne to cite this in any corepsoindence.

clearly you need neutral andovers if contact is to happen.

you have ve "reasonable excuse" for stopping contact if it makes you unsafe.

you need every incident of grabbing, turning up late etc recorded.

turnin up late is detrimental to the children.

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWCA/Civ/2000/194.html

"Without the following we would see the balance of advantage and disadvantage as tipping against contact:
(a) some (preferably full) acknowledgment of the violence;
(b) some acceptance (preferably full if appropriate i.e. the sole instigator of violence) of responsibility for that violence;
(c) full acceptance of the inappropriateness of the violence particularly in respect of the domestic and parenting context and of the likely ill effects on the child;
(d) a genuine interest in the child´s welfare and full commitment to the child i.e. a wish for contact in which he is not making the conditions;
(e) a wish to make reparation to the child and work towards the child recognising the inappropriateness of the violence and the attitude to and treatment of the mother and helping the child to develop appropriate values and attitudes;
(f) an expression of regret and the showing of some understanding of the impact of their behaviour on the ex-partner in the past and currently;
(g) indications that the parent seeking contact can reliably sustain contact in all senses."

you dont need lawyer in court but you do need support - contact womens aid or local service and get an advocate/advisor .

also go to your own gp and have your stress/the dc stres recorded

There is no way on earth I would go anywhere on my own near him

he "finds a reason" not to return the children and insist I drive to his rural property otherwise he won't return the children and i won't be safe

a man who switches between charm and violence so quickly

as he was abusing the children physically and neglecting them

I am actually amazed that you haven't cut off contact a long time ago. You know you are not safe with him but you let your children go?! You MUST do something about this even if it means moving to the other side of the country!

I sadly can believe this horrific situation and like Poo says don't let yourself or dc near the man. Let it go back to court and then tell the court what happened in past. Keep going back until they listen..gee it stinks this system! I am worried that if he can't get near to you to hurt you he will start hurting the kids...to hurt you:(

So what are you going to do?

Thank you for all your advice.
I have no choice but let the children go. He has a court order. He had supervised contact for a long period due to children services involvement, then unsupervised. The courts and cafcass seem to think men like him "magically get better" in time. I think the courts dont live in real world. Injuries to children are far and few between now and he simply denies it. The next lot of finger bruises I see, will get reported to the police. However stuff like telling the children mummy is an f*king whore and ugly bitch doesnt even bother the court. He is controlling and manipulative with them, but recently they have had 5 good contacts. How long it will last for I dont know.
But what I do know is that if I stop contact, I risk losing the children as a "hostile mother". Courts place children with their father for that and then they will never be safe. This really is the best deal I can get for them- safety and calmness with mum and a mixed bag with their father. They do love their father and he is fun at times and I wouldnt want them not to have contact with him.

The thing that was helping was limiting his access to me. He gets riled as I dont respond and ask him to "step away from.." if I have to come up the drive to collect the children. i dont want the children to see any more threats or violence towards me, and when he does get this he takes it out on the children when he has them. It's the only trigger I can take out of the equation. The rest I dont have any influence over anymore. i ask the kids not to rile him and to do everything he says (within reason) and this seems to be working.
But as soon as handover place is allowed to change by court - the guardian's words "these are two intelligent people ...handover place & time should be left for them to agree between themselves", it's his opportunity to repeatedly not return the children (he already brings them back 4 hours late on a school night) and to try to get me when I am somewhere he can reach me. It's been safe for the past 18 months and working well, no police call outs and they were regularly here removing him before, so I cannot understand why the G.Ad or court would not continue to order what is working. I go to court next but one Monday.

Since when did intelligence have anything to do with domestic violence. It's as if the guardian ad litem and this particular judge cannot see past the fact he is articulate, charming and has a good job. He's also a compulsive liar. I have such integrity and the children and all the agencies - school, nursery, police, children services- have supported everything I have said. Cafcass and judges just keep reframing his violence towards me as "parental conflict" that we "naughty parents ought to just get over". 15 years of violence. Incredible amount of proof and because I could keep going with the fact finding - we were living on food vouchers from the local church as he stopped paying anything, even CSA - and because we agreed a deal as he agreed initially to do a DV perpetrators course- the barrister said this to court- , then said he couldnt because it was on a night he had "meetings on and would lose his job" (for meetings, read football training)- but that he would do an anger managemnet course. Well clearly that's all fixed then. The anger course just taught him to be more manipulative.