Advice on child contact - safety for mother

[whereismumhiding]

I dont know if I am posting in the right topic, but can anyone help me? I know it wont be expert legal advice but anything would help me right now.

I am divorced and have 3 young children (4, 7, 9) by my ex-H. He was abusive and violent towards throughout our marriage and post separation. He was arrested twice for assaulting me on contact handovers, police were constantly attending and removing him from property, until eventually we managed to get safe handover arrangements where he was ordered not to enter property or drive way and all handovers to take place.

We tried other neutral places, but he turns up 2-4 hours late, keeping me waiting and tries to grab me and lies about everything.

Three years down the line, he has moved 60 miles away and constantly harrasses me through court. For 3 years I have been in court 7 times a year. We are agreeing increased contact but now he wants me to collect at his (rural isolated) house hours drive away. There is no way on earth I would go anywhere on my own near him but - stupid stupid - children's guardian ad litem is useless and said handover needs to be "arranged between parties". I want to swear. Which just means that even if "we agree to do usual handovers", if it is not ordered as "always at family home with him not entering property", he will "find a reason" to not return the children and insist I drive to his rural property or he wont return the children and I wont be safe. He lives with a girlfriend who lies and argues violently with him. I dont want the children to have to go through that again, and I am sooo over it, having had the luxury of being in the safety of my property with a 40 foot drive between me and a man who switches between charm and violence so quickly.

The judges seem to have a short memory- we are on to the 6th judge now and I swear they dont read the case file- the guardian ad litem even commented that a lot of the file was missing and frankly the system is inadequate.

We had a fact finding around the domestic violence 2 years ago including the police reports and children services reports heavily criticizing my ex-H (who had contact removed contact then it was ordered as supervised for a year (as he was abusing the children physically and neglecting them - another issue which has resolved over time). But the fact finding after repeated court dates and 10 days at court in 2010 spiralling out of control, was abandonned as he stopped paying maintanence, I had no money to continue as the church was giving us vouchers to feed the children (I wasnt eating at all) but as he made limited agreements, agreed to give an endeavour to court he would not drink (in place for 18 months) not to drink 24 hours before and during contact and he agreed to do a 26 hour anger management course (instead of the DV perpetrators course which he said via his barrister "he was willing to do but it fell on a night he had meetings on" and would "cause him to lose his job"). I wish I had continued but I couldnt keep going. The local police know him well but not the ones where he lives now.

i am devastated that I may have to go through this again. Can anyone give me any useful advice?

I did report bruises about 10 months ago to Children services btw, but because we had cafcass involved, they said to report to her and get her to come out and interview children. She (cafcass) did not visit them for 3 months - I rang her 3 times asking her to come out to see them- and by then too much time had passed and he had intimidated them not to say anything. Despite this they did. She didnt even react to any of that. She didnt even contact the nursery who did a chart of littleDD's bruising all up her arms, despite her saying she would.
In my view Cafcass are inadequate at dealing with DV or abusive men unless they are obviously outwardly violent and admit to it. She did not even pick up on- simply recorded - the children saying We like daddy but he gets mean and shouty if we stay too long with him and we only want to stay a short while.
It is better now - last 5 contacts- but probably because we are midst court hearings when he is making an effort to be fun daddy. If that lasted it would be great but it wont.
Yes, I will go back if behaviour deteriorates significantly again, but its complicated for DC as they love their nice daddy and try their best to keep him happy and blame themselves- because he does or he blames me- if he becomes mean daddy. It doesnt always work. My 9 year old DS sees himself as DDs and my protector but knows that the court over-ride his wishes all the time. DS is an old head on young shoulders, he really is wonderful but shouldnt be put in this situation.

Completely see that this man is potentially dangerous. Next time there are any bruises, take the DCs to the GPs and get bruises/marks put on their records. If you can get copies of the notes the nursery made and present them when you next go to court.
One way to not go the entire step towards stopping contact is to come up with a plan of how and where you would like to do handovers i.e. a public place half-way between your homes - cafe in midway town? Or propose someone else to do the handovers. Another possibility is using a contact centre to simply do the handovers i.e. you drop and leave by one entrance and he comes in by another and picks up.
If you are able to say that if this and this happens I will facilitate but if this and this i.e. bruises, scared children I want to know what the judge/cafcass/guardian ad item suggests I do.
You are being shown to be reasonable and putting the ball back in their court to come up with feasible suggestions.

This makes for disturbing reading I dread to think of the damage he is doing to your children. They are being emotionally (and physically) abused by him! I don't see how you can justify sending them. You are telling them they have to behave to placate him? I know none of this is your fault and that your ex is 100% to blame but if I were in your shoes, no fucking way would I send my children there.

I am appalled that the family court advisor is being so weak. As a cafcass insider, my advice to you is complain,complain,complain. They are a very nervous organisation at the moment and desperate to prove they are improving. cite the fact that your guardian told you not to report injuries to childrens services but to her. keep complaining, provide loads of evidence and threaten to go to your MP. The guadians I work with would have no hesitation in recommending no contact if thats what the situation called for. hope this helps.

Thankyou. I can't stop contact. I a genuinely trying to do my best by children. Funnily enough, I'm quite good at risk assessents (it's my field, but for adults), and quite risk tolerant. The children are better going to him, because believe me the risks increase ridicously without this.

Whatever he does, we live, if he sees them. The courts dont get that. I lost 2 babies in pregnancy because of his anger and wont do it ever again. If I even stopped contact, I would pay. Then my children would not have the choices they do now. My kids are safe when they are with Daddy, because they know what to do, if he loses it. He is getting better.

It doesnt matter anyway, as courts pay no attention to past stuff. I can';t impress how much he is a charming articulate and dominates everything in court, cafcass are beyong pointless, but dont realise he is not an not ok man. He is their dad. They love him when he's nice daddy. I do my best to minimize anything bad happening, but it is not within my control and courts are beyond rubbish at addressing risk to children. They arent even interested in addressing risk to resident parent. Let alone to the children.

Sorry. I dont mean to be negative. I do geniunely appreciate the tips you have all given, have been looking stuff up online after reading stuff. Will definitely complain officially to cafcass and talk about the risks and get copies from nursery. At least that's a start. But I know there is no point in fighting, as the courts dont get it. They have no idea. They just see a man turn up in a smart business suit and dont see the wasted-nothing-to-lose man who terrorised me for 15 years. I geniunely am at a loss. I'm on borrowed time and I know it. I've been ok for 3 years and that's been a bonus really.

No no no. Don't be intimidated into complying and pacifying due to the fear of what might happen.

You've been through the most dangerous part when living with him. He's now using contact - the children - to keep control of you. You are doing likewise to prevent his loss of control - in fear of your life. There's danger in this too. How far will he go? how many more risks can you and the children take? Where do you draw the line? No risk assessment can predict the unpredictable.

You must change this. Stop all contact. You can not trust this man with your life so how can you trust him with your children? You can't - again, how far will he go?

You do not have to do anything you do not regard as being in the best interests of your children. Don't be afraid of him nor the courts. Be a strong woman and fight with everything you've got and more - you can be surprised at what you can achieve once you refuse to live in fear anymore.

Also:
If a woman follows through on contact with a man who she's really afraid of it lessens her case because what woman would risk her children? thereby confirming that the man is not really bad at all...this is where you've got to get your head around the fact that your ex is equally a risk to your children as he is to you, and stop doing what you think you ought be doing (trying to treat this as a normal contact case) and start doing what you should be doing (stopping a violent man from destroying your - and your childrens - life).

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I've been there you see. I do know how hard it is.

I'm horrified by your story OP and I can see why you feel trapped into continuing contact. I would contact my MP or find a local councillor that's likely to be sympathetic.

Please let us know how you get on in court on monday. There's lots of people on your side here.

Don't pay for solicitors spend the money on a hitman. Google from an Internet cafe so can't be traced back to you. I wouldn't allow my children near him.

This is just awful :(.

If she contacts her MP she has a good chance that her complaint against cafcass will be upheld as mine was but then they will say that any actual decisions based on that are up to the court and they can't/won't get invloved. The option then is to appeal the court..

*kissingfrogs' please tell me what happened in your case? I'm fighting against my abusive ex atm and relying on the Sturge and Glaser report that they are supposed to go by in terms of what the abusive parent needs to do for contact to be considered safe. Btw ex has done the complete opposite on each and everyone of these and this was blindingly obvious at the last hearing..

Sorry don't mean to hijack x

No Babyhammock, go ahead. Tell me more about your situation. Did you have fact finding with positive result ? (remember mine was abandonned as I ran out of money and he agreed initially to do DV perp course). Is Sturge and glaser report helping?

Hi Again.
You are right in saying that Cafcass will say that it is the Courts decision, but a strong complaint will get you a different guardian and make them think very carefully about what they say. If you have the proof of years of DV and the children are firm in not wanting to have contact, then you have a really good case. i dont understand how you are still being forced to put up with this in the face of such overwhelming evidence. fell free to pm me if you want.
Good Luck.

whereismumhiding I've PMed you.

Babyhammock, I cant find your PM. Feel free to post it on here. It would be interesting to hear someone else's experiences.
Monday went badly at court. Funnily enough we were agreeing on a lot and miracles we managed to sit in room with childrens' solicitor, and have spoken reasonably since. I dont have the energy to fight and as long as I am assured DC are safe on contact and enjoying it, then it seems right to have a little faith.
I found all your advice and suggestions really helpful, but am going to step back. He has been great with children the last 6 months, no injuries, and it is possible for people to change. If there is a reoccurance, then I can take it back to court etc. later on. Other than that it just keeps him angry at me, and I think that puts both the children and I are more danger than anything else. I'd rather take the sting out of it, and let him direct his anger elsewhere.
I'm doing all of this keeping a close eye on children. I dont have reason to stop contact at the moment, except for past behaviour up until Jan this year, and his behaviour towards me. The judge said that handovers continue as before (my house) and told him off for returning the children unreasonably late, saying 30 mins to 45 mins late occasionally is acceptable but more than that was unreasonable. "Charming exH" found it difficult to argue against that.
So, lets see how it goes.

It doesn't seem too bad, actually.

Fingers crossed he'll behave.

Well things are moving quite quickly. ExH has become insolvent, His situation is again unstable, he and his live in partner of two years are going to now "live separately", says it all really. Despite earning nearly 150 grand a year, he has spent it all and is now insolvent.

(Gosh how much partying does it take to blow through that kind of money?!)

She is moving nearly 3 hours away, , he wherever he can afford, maybe temporary accommodation for awhile. Guardian ad litem concerned that he has withheld all this information.

Risks increased quite a bit, however I am going to try and work it out. He's a nightmare really, he won't tell me where the children will be staying, or where his home address is.

I have to say this is the most disturbing thread I have read on MN. OP, you poor thing. I cant think of anything to say other than the legal board here can be helpful.

Stay safe.

Court order or not, I wouldn't be letting the children go to an address I didn't know, especially if I felt the risks were increased due to his recent circumstances.

I think you should let court or guardian take responsibility for deciding what contact could be given the changes in circumstance .
It sounds worrying.
And certainly you should know where he taking the dc given the background.
Is he on some kind of manic high spending all his money. ?
What is he like on a low ? Does the agression come out when this kind of thing happens ?

Tell the guardian and ask him or her to put. Writing their recommendation so on their head be it should anything happen.
He is someone who has been unstable in the past I don't know what has triggered it but there is appttern of some months ok then flipping?

Losing job/partner/home? How does he manage these things? Let him get sorted then let dc go.

But tell guardian so it is not you alone deciding.