In 2009 I had started dating my partner.
About 2 weeks later, I was at a party at his house.
I had far too much to drink and passed out.
He had sex with me while I was unconscious.
After I woke up I asked him and he admited we'd had sex and he'd used a condom I was confused and still under the influence.
Afterwards I had to ask was it 'rape' or 'exploitation' i.e. exploitation of a vulnerable situation.
This question is an illusion of course. It 'minimises' intent on my partners behalf and subsequently placed more 'blame' on myself.
Why did I do this - I think because for me it made what had happened more safe. It made me feel that I had more control and that I could prevent it happening in the future.
The reality is that I never had control. when I passed out I gave away my choices and control. A huge mistake and error of judgement on my part.
My then partner was in the position of having complete control and choice.
He made the decision to rape me.
Although I know this now, at the time I believed that he had 'exploited a vulnerable decision' in order to feel more safe.
Sadly I stayed with him and seperated in Oct 2011.
At this stage I had a dd2 with him.
I made the decision to confront him.
I asked him what happened.
He told me other events of the night and I had to push him until he admitted 'he tried to have sex with me'.
I corrected him, in that he had said we'd had sex and used a condom.
I asked him why he had sex with me when I was unconscious.
He alledged he didn't know I was full passed out.
I corrected him by reminding him I couldn't move, speak or open my eyes indicating unconsciousness.
He alledged that we had had sex before that night.
I corrected him and sais that didn't give him the right to have sex with me when I was unconscious.
He finally admited he did it because he was angry.
Because he was angry at the situation.
Because I had made a fool of him for getting drunk.
I compared what he'd done to necrophilia - the only difference being the temperature.
I also highlighted that he had a porn addiction and is a rapist and that all paedopliles start somewhere.
I confronted him a second time.
I asked if he'd had too muck to drink and passed out,
If because he was ugly and thet he made a fool of me when we went out - that I robbed him how he would feel?
He said he would feel disgusted.
I suggested what if I had gone futher?
I told him after being with me officially for 2 weeks, he had no right to punish me by raping me for making a fool of him.
That he had no right to use my vulnerability to make him feel better about his own inadequacy.
I suggested a strong, confident, assertive man would have put a blanket over me and had words the next day.
I told him I would always be his first and mother of his child.
I told him to me he will always be a rapist.
I told him he had made a fool of himself.
He got it.
These confrontations have made no practical difference.
As he had always known what he had done, he just thought he had got away with it. He has, as I never reported and now there is zero chance of conviction.
It has made a difference to me as I have reminded him that I know exactly what he did and who he is.
I would appreciate that due to the sensitivity of my post, anyone who reads and replies be gentle xx