Don't know what to do anymore :-(

[onceuponadaydream]

Long time lurker here, finally plucked up the courage to post.

I had DS1 (16 weeks) earlier this year. Since then, DP has been less than helpful. Stayed overnight in hospital after the birth, got no sleep (typical post natal ward/baby gazing!). Visiting hours started at 10am, DP informed me via text that he wouldn?t be coming in until DS and I had been discharged. This ended up being at 3pm that afternoon, so I had been on my own since DP left at 10pm the previous evening. The battery had run out on my phone (no charging points at the hospital), so I couldn?t even tell my parents about the arrival of their first GC until we got home the next day.

So, got home around 4pm ? the house was a complete state. No washing up done, clothes and dirty socks in the living room, crap everywhere, I almost burst into tears there and then. He then proceeded to sit down on the laptop and let me unpack the car.

Since then, he just seems so disinterested. He?s changed one nappy, never bathed DS, never even dressed him! Not a single disturbed night?s sleep, because he moved into the spare room and has stayed there since we brought DS home. I have no problem with doing the night feeds, as DS is still exclusively breastfed, but there is no offer to help wind him/settle him etc. When I have challenged him, I got ?Dad?s are for fun, not the shit?. Oh, and he was so set on his choice of name for DS (which I hated), he threatened to leave when DS was 5 weeks old if he didn?t get his way. He got his way :(

I?ve already written an essay and I?ve barely even scratched the surface. I think the worst thing was when DS was 3 weeks old, the HV referred us to hospital for blood tests etc for extended jaundice. Called DP at work and asked him to come home. Spent 6 hours in hospital (this was also my birthday) and DP just moaned that the ?next time? I was coming on my own because he was bored.

I just don?t know what to do anymore. DS is my world, and is such a happy little boy, rarely cries, always smiling and chatting. I?m just finding it so hard to keep on top of everything. I cleaned all the downstairs floors today (all sofas, tables etc moved) and when he came home he just moaned that I?d unplugged his laptop charger.

Any suggestions on how I can get him to help out/appreciate me a bit more?

I hate to say this because clearly you love him (?!) because you've had ds....however he sounds like a complete dick!!!! He doesn't deserve you....do you own/rent? Is it possible to kick him out or go somewhere yourself?! He may see sense then? Good luck.

Is he 12?

He needs a short sharp kick up the backside and soon. Sorry he's being such a wanker at such a vulnerable time for you.

Oh, mu goodness. Do you just want to talk? I mean no decisions. Just chat. I've been where you are. xx

I think it is obvious what you need to do actually, but it will probably take you ages to realise.

This relationship won't last. It certainly doesn't have to last. You'll be better on your own once you see the light and leave him.

Good heavens his behaviour is appalling! I'm so on your behalf! Was your son planned if you dont mind me asking?

he sounds awful, I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. Your little boy sounds like a delightful baby, I bet you'd be really happy with the two of you living together without your prat of a "d"p.

You poor poor woman.

'He then proceeded to sit down on the laptop and let me unpack the car'

After you'd just given birth to his child.

He's resentful. He's no longer N0.1 in the world and is acting out. It's either this or he really didn't want to be a father in the first place.

Either way, I actually have SP friends with Ex-Partners who are more helpful than your DH.

I would stop everything. Sex would be a definate NO NO until he starts acting something like a husband should.

I am very angry on your behalf. This is serious emotional, marital and fatherly neglect.

You poor thing. This must be horrible for you.

I have friends who DP's have been distant with their DCs when they were born and who have struggled to adjust. However that has always seemed to be a reluctance to preemptively get involved rather than to get involved entirely.

I hate to say it but your DP sounds much worse than this. I don't think that you are any longer in a position to make himself appreciate you more. Do you have family and friends who can help you if it is just you and your DS? Your DP may change your mind after you have left but you can't plan for that. You sound as if you are doing it on your own any way.

Shocked by this. I am a dad, of two, and it is a difficult adjustment. But there is no excuse for this behaviour. And it's probably worse for you to adjust, so this should be something you work on together. Clearly he isn't. All I can say is talk to him. Don't act rashly, don't walk out (yet) - there might be something that can be fixed. It might be simple. If you love him enough to have his kids, and he went into fatherhood willingly, then there is something worth holding on to. Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling, ask him how he is feeling, try to work it out, don't turn it into an argument. Too many marriages fail because people don't talk.

Then, at the end of all that, if nothing changes walk away without regrets. You deserve better.

Your DP is a cunt, plain and simple

What was he like before the birth? Has he always been this selfish? I don't think men generally change overnight from being caring and considerate to being a complete waste of space.

Mine was like this, it broke my heart that he just didn't seem to feel the same way about our gorgeous DD as I did, I tried everything to help him bond with her, he wasn't interested. I would count the minutes til he came home from work as I was SO excited to share what she'd done that day. He couldn't give a stuff. The day we got home from hospital (I'd been forced to stay in for a weekas I was ill and in danger of fitting) the house was a disgrace, I was shocked. And ashamed when people came, so I got down on my knees and cleaned the disgusting floor with wipes. When I said "I've just given birth" he said "you're hardly exerting yourself"
Aged 2 weeks she was taken into hospital for FIVE days. He never visited once. He had no money for taxis. He had money for beer and takeaway (DD was BF so I was at hospital 24/7)
I tried for two years, nothing changed, so we left.
He now says it was because he was too young, he was 24, I was 27, we planned the baby. He's still the same, a real fucking prize prick of a "father" ten years on. I'm glad I didn't waste those years hoping he'd change ands value our beautiful child the way she deserves. And I was acutely aware of the message staying with such a no-mark would give my DD about relationships.
People often say "I wish I had MN back then"
You are lucky enough to HAVE MN in your time of need. Do what is right for you and your child, you both deserve better.
IME it's easier on your own than to make up for a flakey knobhead like this.

will he talk about it? Maybe he is freaked out by the responsibility? What was he like when you were pregnant? How long have you been together (and how old is he)?

Leave him, and start calling your DS by the name you wanted. SO sad for you :( God he sounds completely awful. Some men become a bit thoughtless after a new baby arrives. But your partner sounds like a COMPLETE cock.

So sorry for you. You might as well be on your own for all the help he has given!
I don't think it's going to get better. You may believe it will but I think you'll be wasting your life on this pathetic fuckwit manchild.

Freaked out by responsibility? No, that's not the whole story here. He clearly doesn't give a rats about you or your baby.
Sorry I have no help to offer but I think you'd be better off just you and your ds tbh

Your DP sounds like my xh who behaved like that when our DTs were born - I used to take them round my mum's and get back to a filthy house with bottles and nappies left lying around. He treated me with contempt, used to go out and not come back til the early hours ....

When the babies were six months old, he threatened to leave. I told him to leave the keys. Best bloody decision I've ever made, hard though it has been to be alone with DCs. Please follow the advice above and leave for your own respect and sanity. Wish you serenity and support.

He sounds horrific! A horrible person and terrible dad and partner.

I seem to recall that you have a certain amount of time within which to change your mind about the babys name?

It's hard enough when you have a lovely supportive partner FFS... my blood is boiling on your behalf

I'm just and on your behalf. He doesn't deserve you at all. If I were you I would change the baby's name to your choice for starters - after all, it's not even as if your 'D'P wants to be involved so why the hell does he get to pick the name, especially after treating you so shoddily. If he wants to walk out on you over the name, let him - it'll save you the trouble of ditching him What kind of a selfish waste of space treats the mother of their child like that??

He is either very immature or a cunt. Or both.

How old is he and was he like this before you got pregnant? Does he do anything to show you he loves you or appreciates you in any way? What do you get out of the relationship?

I hope you're alright O.P. It's very hard coping as a new mum with no support from your partner. I hope you get some support from this thread.

Thanks for all responses, they pretty much confirm what I've been thinking for a few weeks.

Will try and answer all questions...

forcedinsomnia We're renting. Being on ML I can't afford the place on my own. I could go back to work, but the thought of leaving DS when he is so little breaks my heart :( I could go and stay with either of my parents (divorced), but that's not a long term solution as there's not a lot of room.

Mama1980 No, DS wasn't planned. DP and I have been together for 5 years though, and have discussed children before and both agreed we wanted them.

DrDolittle I have spoken to him about it before, as well as trying to speak to MIL to see if she would give him a kick up the backside - she seemed to find it funny and said FIL was the same. Not much hope really is there.

AllPastYears DP has always been very slack with housework etc, it all fell to me before. We both agreed that he would help more once DS arrived, but it hasn't happened.

Gymbunny74 Your post has made me cry, he sounds identical. Had a precautionary trip to A&E again this week (DS is fine), DP just stayed at home and wouldn't come. He doesn't seem to care about him at all.

Iforgotmyusername If I try to talk about it, he doesn't to think he's doing anything wrong. We've been together 5 years and he's 35 (10 years older than me).

PooPoo I think you have a year to change the name, but I assume you have to have both parents consent? No way that will happen unfortunately.

applepie I can't answer either of your last two questions - I guess that sums it up really.

One of my friends said the other day that DP just seems like a 'fun uncle' - he will play with DS, but not do anything I (or anyone else) classes as parenting.

Hi op :) I'm on maternity leave too, my Ds is 6 months old now.

My dh works full time in a senior role. Today he got up with Ds so I could sleep for a while, fed him, did nappy etc. When he came home he fed Ds again, cuddled him and put a chicken on for tea. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm trying to illustrate what a good man and what a good dad does on a daily basis. None of what I've said dh has done requires great skill but it does require love and care.

I'm sorry to be blunt. From what you've said I don't think your dp loves you. I don't think anyone who loved someone could treat someone in such a way. His family sound like tossers too.

Why not stay with your parents while you're on mat leave and then when you want to go back to work find somewhere to live then.

If you can't perhaps just do the housework for you and the baby. I don't know how you can get him to help or to appreciate what you do because he should automatically want to.