Don't know what to do anymore :-(

[onceuponadaydream]

Long time lurker here, finally plucked up the courage to post.

I had DS1 (16 weeks) earlier this year. Since then, DP has been less than helpful. Stayed overnight in hospital after the birth, got no sleep (typical post natal ward/baby gazing!). Visiting hours started at 10am, DP informed me via text that he wouldn?t be coming in until DS and I had been discharged. This ended up being at 3pm that afternoon, so I had been on my own since DP left at 10pm the previous evening. The battery had run out on my phone (no charging points at the hospital), so I couldn?t even tell my parents about the arrival of their first GC until we got home the next day.

So, got home around 4pm ? the house was a complete state. No washing up done, clothes and dirty socks in the living room, crap everywhere, I almost burst into tears there and then. He then proceeded to sit down on the laptop and let me unpack the car.

Since then, he just seems so disinterested. He?s changed one nappy, never bathed DS, never even dressed him! Not a single disturbed night?s sleep, because he moved into the spare room and has stayed there since we brought DS home. I have no problem with doing the night feeds, as DS is still exclusively breastfed, but there is no offer to help wind him/settle him etc. When I have challenged him, I got ?Dad?s are for fun, not the shit?. Oh, and he was so set on his choice of name for DS (which I hated), he threatened to leave when DS was 5 weeks old if he didn?t get his way. He got his way :(

I?ve already written an essay and I?ve barely even scratched the surface. I think the worst thing was when DS was 3 weeks old, the HV referred us to hospital for blood tests etc for extended jaundice. Called DP at work and asked him to come home. Spent 6 hours in hospital (this was also my birthday) and DP just moaned that the ?next time? I was coming on my own because he was bored.

I just don?t know what to do anymore. DS is my world, and is such a happy little boy, rarely cries, always smiling and chatting. I?m just finding it so hard to keep on top of everything. I cleaned all the downstairs floors today (all sofas, tables etc moved) and when he came home he just moaned that I?d unplugged his laptop charger.

Any suggestions on how I can get him to help out/appreciate me a bit more?

My DH was doing all the cooking and most of the cleaning after work when our DS was your son's age, as well as co-sleeping and doing his share of changes, bathtime etc. We did a lot together. Like the previous poster, I am not gloating, I just think this is what a real man does and it makes me sad to hear you are not getting decent treatment.

Sorry, but I think your DP sounds like an absolute cunt. It is a disgrace that a 35-year-old man could act in the way you have described. "Dads are for fun, not the shit" - WTAF? Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

ivana

how sad, that you could more or less copy your post and paste it on nearly every thread on the relationship board.

why do we cling on,. despite them being so unworthy? i wish i knew, so i could teach girls in school.

op, i had to give my dp a kick up the backside when our dts were born, but i'd like to think it was a learning curve for him- a very steep one!

i'd be wary of yours wiping his feet on me.

if he is testing to see how bad he can actually treat you and you will still stay- i'd say- he's already gone too far.
no man is worth this. he's not even bothered about his own child ffs.

that comment is aimed at him not you by the way.

you are still very young. you can find someone so much better, who will probably, by the sound of it, love your dc better than him.

dont waste years on him- for yours and dc's sake.

I don't think you can get him to help out - it's not like you haven't asked and he hasn't realised you are struggling - he just does not want to do anything to make your life easier and he does not care about your DC.

As sassy said, a decent man would love your DC better than their biological dad. You write that your MIL was amused,as FIL was the same - of course your DP has learned how a dad behaves from him. You don't want your DC to continue the chain.

On the positive side, if you get your skates on you can change your son's name on the birth certificate. It's free (I think) and legal to do as long as it's within the first six months after birth. (I know this because DH and I were totally undecided when we arrived at registry office and I wanted to know we could change our minds!).
Leave that waste of space man, enjoy your son, you'll find someone much better. Do it for your baby, if not for yourself - nobody deserves a "father" like that.

forgot to add - remember that a father is the main role model for his son. Do you want your lovely little boy to grow up to be like that wanker? I think not.

The online information isn't clear about whether both parents have to agree to changing the child's name on the BC when it's a first name. Anyone actually know?

If it were me, the first thing I'd be doing now is trying my best to get that BC changed... to the name I wanted.

This loser isn't a dad

He isn't a partner.

He's a selfish little leech who wants all the 'trappings' without actually having to put any thought, work, or love into any of the relationships.

OP, I'm sorry that your eyes have been opened like this.

And threatening to LEAVE if he didn't get his way over the name? Scum.

You now know what he's like.

You have a year to get that BC changed

And you have all the time you like, starting now, to work out how to get shot of this emotional freeloader. Who thinks your role is 'The shit'. i.e. caring for your child.

He is an utterly worthless human being. You and your son could do a lot better.

Reading your posts again. God you poor thing.

Seriously - if there is any way you can level with your parents, and ask if you could stay with either or both of them for a while, I would do so.

It's NOT impossible.

What is quite impossible is the thought of your DS growing up in a happy house with a proper dad with this wanker in the frame.

So, for example, you could -

1. Go to your mum for a few months. Squashed, not ideal, but ok. Lots of quality time with grandma.

1. Go from there to your dad's. Same thing.

1. DS will be a year before you realise it! Find out what you are entitled to re help with housing costs. If your parents could help with a bond for a new rental, and you can find a landlord that accepts DSS or your parents as guarantor, you could be back in a place of your own. DP liable for maintenance. You research how you could start back to work, when the time comes, with childcare. Ok, you may be on benefits for a while. But the single most important thing for the future of you and your DS is to KNOCK THIS WAY OF LIVING, DECIDED BY A TWAT, ON THE HEAD. And you can do that. And if he wants to wake up, grow up and be a dad, he can.

And do some research on changing that BC without him knowing. Even if it's only adding another first name (YOUR CHOICE!) in there. Then when you split (and he most likely shows the world just what an arse he is by talking big but rarely bothering to see his son) you can make sure by the time he is old enough, your son understands his name as the one chosen by the person who actually cares for him.

What a complete cock he is. So sorry.

My ex was similar but probably not quite so bad. When DD1 was born she was very colicky, crying for 2-3 hrs each evening. He would not tolerate this after a hard day at work. Each evening I would bundle her into the buggy and walk until she stopped. An old man who lived opposite began to walk with me because 'it wasn't safe'.
His kindness, in comparison to exH's unkindness, made me cry.
He slept in the spare room to get his sleep.
After DD2 was born it was much the same. Then I discovered an affair. Took 2 more years before I finally left.

I now have DD3. I have a wonderful DP who would rather be awake all night with his family than sleep alone.
He comes home at night and can't wait to cuddle her. He cooks dinner, loads the dishwasher, changes nappies etc. She is 12 weeks now and we work together.
This is how it should be.

Don't waste your life being miserable with someone who can't treat you as you deserve. It is too short.

Get rid. He's a waste of space and at his age he isn't going to grow up.

You'll save yourself a vast amount of heartbreak if you get away from him now. Your ds will grow up better adjusted the sooner you do it, too.

And if he gets scared into promising he'll change, he won't.

I thought you were going to say that he was 20!
You cannot change someone and at his age I doubt he will try himself. He wasn't brought up by parents who thought it should have been an equal partnership and he sees no reason to change.

The way he is treating you and the baby is appalling.
I suggest that until you can get to whichever of your parents you choose to stay with, you just withdraw to you and your DS. Do what you have to for the two of you, gather together what you need and go.

It will give one of you a wake-up call - either him to realise what he is losing or you to realise he's not and never will be, worth it.

Sorry OP, but that's what I'd say if you were my daughter.

The sad fact is that you can never get a grown man to do something that he does not want to do. He does not want to help. So he doesnt. He does not want to have a part in his child's life, other than fun.

He has a fantastic role model in his father though, hasnt he? And your son will have a fantastic role model in his.

It is true, though. If he loved you, he would behave very differently. You are not describing the actions of a man who loves his partner and child.

It is good that you are not married, and that you are renting. It means that leaving will be fairly easy. Your life will be a lot better without the stress and heartache of a shit partner.

Do not have any more children with this loser.
He's not a decent partner or father to your baby.
Get him out of your lives and it will be all the better for it - you don't need a parasite like him spoiling your life and having the slightest influence over your son's upbringing - he isn't fit to be called a dad.

Decent men don't behave like this.

Have a look at the normal relationships thread.

OP, I've just looked about changing the baby's name.

YOU can change the first name.

You BOTH have to agree to change the surname.

See Here.

Changing a child?s forename

You can change a child?s forename in the following circumstances:
?new forenames were given in baptism or by regular use within 12 months of the birth being registered
?if your child has been baptised, only the baptismal names can be added to the register - the minister with custody of the baptismal register needs to confirm this with the 'Certificate of name given in Baptism' form linked below

Also note:
?you must be the mother, father or guardian of the child to make the change
?forename changes can only be made once ? any further forename changes cannot be recorded
?you must comply with any court orders in force about the naming of your child

Changing a child?s surname

You can only change a child?s surname in their original birth record to correct a spelling mistake.

However, a child can be re-registered in the following circumstances:
?to record the natural father's details in the birth record
?following the marriage of the natural parents, if they were not married at the time of the birth

I agree with the others.

Kick him out.

Get yourself registered immediately for housing benefit and tax credits.

Change your baby's name.

Have a lovely, happy life with your baby and without that twat.