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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our families operate SO differently,...

32 replies

LouP19 · 28/05/2012 18:57

Would be very interested to hear of similar experiences,... In the grand scheme this is fairly minor, but sometimes I think myself and my husband live in different worlds over this issue.

Had a phone call last week from my Father In Law. He is bringing his two grandaughters to Alton Towers and wants to stop at our house (we live only an hour away). He never asked, just said this as a statement. He then gave my husband 2 dates and asked him to get back to him so they could book the tickets. My husband agreed.

Tonight we've had a phone call from my husband's second cousin. She is leaving University (in our town) tomorrow for the summer and wants to pop round 'sometime tomorrow' to leave her boxes in storage rather than take them home with her. Again my husband agreed. We will therefore keep all her storage boxes (bedding, towels, kitchenware, crockery) until late September. At no point was I consulted about over this or the Alton Towers trip.

These two points have happened in the last week, but are entirely indicative of the way his family operates. At no point is there a 'We'd like to do this, would it be ok with you?' or 'How does this fit in with your plans'. EVER. They work entirely on assumptions, and I find it rude and cheeky. And then my husband just agrees, because he too works on assumptions. My husband thinks I come across as unfriendly, yet I find that THEIR approach forces me to be unfriendly.

If someone asks me politely I will bend over backwards to help. If the approach had been 'I'd really like to take the grandaughters to Alton Towers, and wondered if we could stop at yours for one night. Would that be ok and if so which dates are convenient for you' I would've been more than happy to accommodate. My husband says this is just how they work, but I feel he'll agree to anything they say and then calls me unreasonable for not going along with it.

I feel my battle is not really with his family, but with my husband for not understanding that I should be considered. He just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
Bibulus · 28/05/2012 19:02

How great an inconvenience are either of those instances to you, really?

Families help each other out. I don't think getting too hung up over manners does anyone any favours really. Not between family anyway

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2012 19:04

Have you told him? Sounds like you need to reach some kind of simple agreement that neither of you are to say yes to family requests without consulting the other first.

Original poster
LouP19 · 28/05/2012 19:12

Bibulus, I should've said we only moved into our house a short while ago and our garage is full of boxes, so the boxes thing IS inconvenient!! :-)

I guess my main issue is not being consulted over things (however minor). This is important to me. If I make plans for us or that involve our house then I'll always check with DH first, just out of politeness really.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 28/05/2012 19:15

my DH would lose his rag if i didn't consult him about when family stays over, or whether we store things in shared space (if he wants to store crap in his office, by all means, but i assume the garage is shared!)

and i would lose my rag too if the situation were reversed.

YANBU OP. you may want to read the book Toxic In-Laws (not saying yours are toxic btw - the book contains good coping strategies for different expectations, and also helps you ascertain whether your wants are reasonable when it comes to dealing with ILs)

NatashaBee · 28/05/2012 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babylann · 28/05/2012 19:26

Seems like you do need to talk to him and keep hammering the issue into him that you're a unit and need to take equal part in decisions and that, even if it's only a small thing, it could be inconvenient to you so you would at least like to be asked.

Original poster
LouP19 · 28/05/2012 19:26

Thanks for everyone's responses, thanks Oikopolis to know that someone else would feel the same. :-)

On a different level, my husband agrees with ALL of his families wishes,..... He never ever asserts himself with them. Not as in falling out, but as in 'Well, ok, but we need to look out our calendar and see what's convenient for us'. He just agrees to everything they say. He isn't like this with me (and I wouldn't want him to be), but I'm fascinated by how little backbone he has with his family. Anyone else witnessed this with their partners? He would do ANYTHING to keep relations on an even keel with them.

OP posts:
BCBG · 28/05/2012 19:29

I think there are many more serious matters in life and YAB a tiny bit U....my parents were exactly like this over my Dad's family, who behaved exactly like you ILs. It drove my mum mad, and she clashed with my Dad over his family's 'assumptions' all the time. Eventually it caused a breach with his family as my Dad was anything for a quiet life, and when they were around my Mum wasn't envy good at hiding her irritation. Upshot was me and my siblings grew up without knowing our extended family. NOw my mum is dead, and we are all in our late 40's/early 50's and I can tell you it is still a matter of huge regret and sadness. Some bridges have been built and connections made, but there is always a sneaking feeling that we are somehow being disloyal Sad. I would honestly say that I would live with it if I loved DH enough, and it was worth it to be inconvenienced from time to time. I don't mean to belittle how you feel, as I know that quite honestly it would annoy me to hell, but knowing how it can affect things long term I think I would try and accommodate it, that's all.

AgentProvocateur · 28/05/2012 19:40

Sorry, I think you sound really uptight and precious. It's your DH's dad and his nieces (or nephews). I'm sure your DH and his family look forward to seeing each other. It's not like they're strangers coming for a fortnight. Likewise with the boxes - if you've got a garageful, a couple more wont make much difference. That's how friendships (and family relationships) work.

BBMs · 28/05/2012 19:49

I would be really annoyed too! Both of you have created a new nuclear family and the other family members are in second place IMO. You both need to check with each other regarding plans and arrangements, I bet he wouldn't like it if it was the other way round!
You and your husband need to talk about setting boundaries, people(no matter who) need to check and ask permission when they would like to stay over or use your home to storage stuff.
Toxic in laws is a very helpful book, try to read it... It'll give you some ideas on how to deal with this kind of situations.
Good luck! X

babylann · 28/05/2012 19:51

Yes DP is the same as that with his family. He will do anything for them, and if he ever has to say no, he becomes extremely guilty and apologetic.

Original poster
LouP19 · 28/05/2012 19:55

Thanks. AgentProvocateur, it's not how my family works (close or extended). And that's not to say we're any better or worse than his family, but I am not used to this behaviour and prefer a more polite approach - even if it is my Mum, my brother, my Dad, whatever,.... And I think there needs to be a middle ground. Because if we all went around saying 'This is how I operate' then it's just not going to work at all.

And it's not the 'events' themselves, more the fact that I usually just get TOLD what is happening. I live here too, this is my house, I still can't find stuff in our garage (important stuff), so I would have appreciated having some say as to how many extra boxes we shove in there. It's about respecting each other, surely, however 'minor' the issue seems?

OP posts:
dyzzidi · 28/05/2012 19:56

I would not check with dh for either of the examples you have given so would not expect him to check with me. If we were busy on those dates then that would be delayed back and we would expect dates to be changed to suit us.

WhAt would happen if you said no. Would it be ok for him to say sorry dad but OP said no? I would think it would cause a huge issue if the only reason to to put up DH family was because I hadn't been consulted.

Fr the record it's more my dh family who announce what hey are doing as mine live quite local.

Sabriel · 28/05/2012 20:01

Yep, sounds like my DH. "Oh I've said my dad can have that cabinet" what the one my granddad made?, "mum and dad are popping in tonight" (the day I came out of hospital with DC1).

I always always consult him before inviting my family, and check with him before agreeing if they ask. But he just says yes to any of his families demands/ requests, and sometimes doesn't even bother to tell me, let alone check if it's OK.

I feel your pain :(

Original poster
LouP19 · 28/05/2012 20:05

Starting to feel a bit better now, thought I was being unreasonable there,......!

All I want is a little bit of consultation. Even if it's just a token, it will be more than I get at the moment. I just don't get why he'll be awkward, moody, uncooperative and lazy with me (!!), but if it's a request from his family it's like 'yep, sure, no problem, that's absolutely fine'. I just don't get it and it seems so unfair!! It's like he's scared of showing them the REAL him, so I get it all in spades!!

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 28/05/2012 20:10

I do see your point but I think you are being a little unreasonable. If they rang up and said they are coming to stay on a set date, you'd have more right to be pissed. But they offered you a choice if dates and it's not unreasonable for family who are close to expect you to put them up. I have friend's who would do this and I would consider it fine. I'd also feel nothing if I had to sag, sorry, those dates don't work but what about this date instead.".

On the second cousin i'd say that's just usual carelessness of youth. It does not occur to students that their perceived rich family members can't do things like this.

GrendelsMum · 28/05/2012 21:49

As you've said, its just that different families do different things. My DH's family are all terribly nicey-nicey about asking each other for things, my family phone up and say 'you don't use X any more, so I'll have it' or 'I'm coming to stay on Tuesday' (or even 'a friend of mine is coming to stay with you on Tuesday'). I find my family's approach is what a family does for each other, my DH finds it very annoying. I find his family really stressful, he thinks its being considerate.

No doubt there's something you or your family does that drives your DH up the wall. It's a case of identifying these things and agreeing that you will both try to work in the way that the other person prefers.

GnomeDePlume · 28/05/2012 22:03

YANBU. It might be the way your DH's family works but he should still say 'let me just check to make sure we havent something on already/have got room, I'll give you a call back tomorrow'.

It isnt saying no it is just making sure the family doesnt get double-booked and someone having to be told no later.

It is just common courtesy and common sense.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 28/05/2012 22:11

Oh yes, OP - I know about this. It's not the favours / visits etc. that are annoying, so much as the assumption.

"we will be staying next weekend".

I think it's just rude - what's wrong with "could we come and stay?" I'd be unlikely to say no.

MIL is very free and easy with other people's houses, she often says to us "why don't you go and stay with BIL in London?" - well maybe because he hasn't actually asked us.....

Inedit · 28/05/2012 23:32

Yabu
Sounds like your dh has an easy relationship with his family.
Fil did actually give you a couple of dates, so he wasn't insisting.
Toxic parents, I don't think so, bloody hell.

Can't tell a hell of a lot from those 2 examples
Honestly, I think you sound like you are annoyed because you didn't get to make the decisions. You can't practically expect each other to run everything by each other before you make a decision.
he should be allowed to say yes to some things.
And really, if it's his family are you going to refuse? If yes, then again yabu.

jubilucket · 28/05/2012 23:47

YANBU. Like you, I'd have done these things if I'd been asked (although I'd have asked if the second cousin could make other arrangements as the garage is already stuffed), but I would be seething if DP had done it without running it past me first. Works both ways, I don't invite anyone etc without checking with him first.

colditz · 28/05/2012 23:49

When you became his wife, you became their daughter, so they are treating you as their daughter.

Born2BRiiiled · 28/05/2012 23:54

I think YABU. Why would you waNt consulting unless you might say no. And why would you say "no" to such small requests. If your DH is used to such a lovely relaxed relationship with his family, why spoil that just to make a point. My family are the relaxed but helpful ones here. IL's with all their consulting and not wanting to interfere drive me mad!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 28/05/2012 23:55

I find it depends how much you like the other people whether it's annoying or not Grin

bellabelly · 29/05/2012 00:05

I think you are stressed out (moving is a v stressful experience!) and are finding these recent requests more irritating than you normally would. You want to concentrate on getting your new home sorted out and suddenly you have requests for storage space and overnight accommodation. We moved house last year and tbh, I was not back to normal for at least a month or so afterwards. That's not to say that you are being irrational or unreasonable but would these things REALLY be bothering you so much if you hadn't just moved?

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