Our families operate SO differently,...

[LouP19]

Would be very interested to hear of similar experiences,... In the grand scheme this is fairly minor, but sometimes I think myself and my husband live in different worlds over this issue.

Had a phone call last week from my Father In Law. He is bringing his two grandaughters to Alton Towers and wants to stop at our house (we live only an hour away). He never asked, just said this as a statement. He then gave my husband 2 dates and asked him to get back to him so they could book the tickets. My husband agreed.

Tonight we've had a phone call from my husband's second cousin. She is leaving University (in our town) tomorrow for the summer and wants to pop round 'sometime tomorrow' to leave her boxes in storage rather than take them home with her. Again my husband agreed. We will therefore keep all her storage boxes (bedding, towels, kitchenware, crockery) until late September. At no point was I consulted about over this or the Alton Towers trip.

These two points have happened in the last week, but are entirely indicative of the way his family operates. At no point is there a 'We'd like to do this, would it be ok with you?' or 'How does this fit in with your plans'. EVER. They work entirely on assumptions, and I find it rude and cheeky. And then my husband just agrees, because he too works on assumptions. My husband thinks I come across as unfriendly, yet I find that THEIR approach forces me to be unfriendly.

If someone asks me politely I will bend over backwards to help. If the approach had been 'I'd really like to take the grandaughters to Alton Towers, and wondered if we could stop at yours for one night. Would that be ok and if so which dates are convenient for you' I would've been more than happy to accommodate. My husband says this is just how they work, but I feel he'll agree to anything they say and then calls me unreasonable for not going along with it.

I feel my battle is not really with his family, but with my husband for not understanding that I should be considered. He just doesn't get it.

Yes you should be consulted. I learned this when I bought a purple sofa (instead of a grey one) and agreed to my sister coming for Christmas. (the purple sofa is still a bone of contention tho :) )
There where a few other incidents, but I eventually realised that it wasn't just my decision that needed to be taken into account, but my husbands too. He would not have had a problem with my Sis coming, he did have a problem with not being at least consulted. And once I put myself in his shoes I was horrified at how I'd made him feel.
Your husbands needs to be able to say 'that's probably ok, just need to check with Lou in case she has plans/the garage is full, etc, etc'

Exactly, MaBumble. When you move in together you both have to compromise on how you deal with your respective families. You are not lodgers in a shared house.

One thing though I would disagree with Colditz about, when you marry you dont become a daughter/son of your in-laws. The use of PiL is purely a courtesy title and brings no automatic rights.

Thanks for all the responses, makes interesting reading. I gave those two examples because they have happened in the last week, but they are indicative of the way they work. So to reiterate it's not specifically about boxes or Alton Towers, more how we tend to get told their plans and are expected to fit in all the flipping time.

As someone said earlier, what is wrong with common courtesy between families?!! I just don't get the 'they're family, you don't have to have common courtesy with family' at all!

IMO courtesy within the family, nuclear and extended, is essential for harmonious living in the long term. Without it resentments build.

Think yourself lucky OP. My PIL have been known to turn up on our doorstep for the weekend after a 2-3 hr drive without any warning! And I am expected to welcome them with open arms
( which I do but with gritted teeth!). They think this is really funny - I think it is v presumptuous but hey ho.

In all seriousness of course you should consult each other on people staying over but at the end of the day if irbid inconvenient you just have to say so.

Think yourself lucky OP. My PIL have been known to turn up on our doorstep for the weekend after a 2-3 hr drive without any warning! This has happened on more than one occasion. And I am expected to welcome them with open arms (which I do but with gritted teeth!). They think this is really funny - I think it is v presumptuous but hey ho.

In all seriousness of course you should consult each other on people staying over and if it is inconvenient you have to say so.

Ugh Mutton, that would drive me crazy.