Mother-in-law Looking To Establish A Relationship With Wife (Her Daughter) And Son After Previous Expulsion

[nikita1987]

Hello all.

I realise that this website is predominantly aimed at women (don't be fooled by the nickname - you don't know how many times I had to tell people during my school years that "Nikita" is both a girl AND boy's name!) and being a man, I kind of stand out. However, I'd really like some input on a current situation concerning my family, from some women here. Bear with me if you can stand it :)

Anyway, I'm happily married with a wonderful wife and a son who has just experienced his first birthday. I'm really loving being both a father and husband. However, recently, I and my my family's tranquillity was interrupted by my mother-in-law who came to visit us out of the blue for the first time in two years. It was also the first time she met her grandson. The relationship I and my wife have with her father and mother is strained to say the least - actually, it's completely non-existent. My wife severed all ties with her parents when she married me. And the reason she did that was because her parents didn't approve of our relationship. They're very old-fashioned and don't believe in interracial relationships. I'm black and my wife is white.

We met in first year at university and when we started dating, my wife was completely straight with me; after she met my parents who adored her, she told me how her parents wouldn't approve of us. I didn't really care at the time because of how I felt about her. She then told her parents about me. They were upset to say the least. For the three years we dated, she had a very turbulent relationship with them and rarely went home during uni holidays. The final straw was when I proposed after I and my wife graduated from uni. Her parents gave her an ultimatum - them or me. She chose the latter.

It was a difficult period, because I love my parents and I know that if I were in the same situation, even though I'd have made the same decision my wife did and even though I'd have harboured a lot of anger for them like she did, I would still hurt because I'm always going to have an inherent connection with them. They're my parents after all.

Anyway, I and my wife went on with our lives. We had a beautiful wedding two years ago and now we have an even more beautiful baby boy. Of course, her parents never attended both occasions. That was until last weekend, when my wife's mother showed up at our home. The initial shock of her appearance was heightened when she gently picked up her grandson, held him close and sobbed. She literally cried like a child and held him for ten minutes. She then told us at how sorry she was and how silly she's been. She said she's discarded her previous perspective on things and she wants to be in our lives once again. She wants to watch her grandson grow up. She also said, however, that her husband is still bitter and doesn't want anything to do with us - that he wasn't even aware of her presence at our home.

My wife is a diligent person and she was quite conservative with her thoughts after her mother left. She told me her mother can be pretty manipulative at times and that she doesn't want to expose us to any possibility of future aggravation. Especially with her father still being heavily opposed to us. I was less conservative. Personally I believe people take some time to adjust to unexpected situations. After seeing the sincerity in my wife's mother, I think we should give her a chance. But I told my wife it's her decision at the end of the day.

Anyway, I'd just like to know the thoughts of the community here. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time and I hope you all have a lovely day.

Goodness. Well, I think you have to let your wife take the lead on this one. You have an excellent relationship with your parents and it might be making you a touch idealistic... Your wife knows her parents better. And of course, if she feels you're not trusting her judgement on this, your MIL could be causing problems already!

If the woman's feeling remorseful about her prejudice and is being sincere in her apology, you'd certainly have the moral high-ground for taking the olive branch with good grace. Your wife doesn't sound like she is easily manipulated tbh and I'm sure that, if MIL steps out of line in future, she'll be quickly put straight.

I'm from a family where there has been so much falling out and not speaking over various issues (including some black/white partner choice prejudice which is very silly since we're mixed race). It causes so much regret and heart-break on all sides, even when dropping contact has been entirely justified, that I'm always inclinded to say 'give it another go'. Stay in control, obviously, and don't be a fool or a doormat, but it never hurts to offer second chances.

I do think that when grandchildren come along, it is fairly common for people to change their mind about 'unacceptable' relationships. I've heard of it a few times, and it happened to us. Very similar situation to yours, his family didn't approve of me, wrong race, etc. It wasn't until the twins were born, that I even met them and we started to build a relationship.

I do think though, you do need to follow your wife's lead. It's her parents, her choice really. I also think it would be a very difficult situation with only one parent wanting the relationship with you both. I'd wait and see what happens from here rather than rushing into things.

I also wouldn't be happy with the idea of the mother lying to her husband in order to visit. I think if she wants to be a part of your lives she needs to be honest about it.

I know people in a similar situation who have a relationship with the gran that remains secret from the grandad and it works for them. The mother was always supportive though, it was just the father who was a bigotted twat, but he'll never change, not even to see his only grandkids, and forbade his wife to see them.
It's interesting that your wife is holding back though - she knows them best. Perhaps a very limited form of contact initially and take it from there?

I know people in a similar situation who have a relationship with the gran that remains secret from the grandad and it works for them. The mother was always supportive though, it was just the father who was a bigotted twat, but he'll never change, not even to see his only grandkids, and forbade his wife to see them.
It's interesting that your wife is holding back though - she knows them best. Perhaps a very limited form of contact initially and take it from there?

I think that the m-i-l deserves a chance to re-connect with her DD and to be part of her dgs's life. It will have taken courage to goo against her husband in this and another loving person in your ds's life can only be a positive. Try to gently persuade your wife to give the relationship another go-if it doesn't work out there is time to let it go. It would be awful to deny a mother a relationship with her DD and dgs. It sounds as if she was unduly influenced by her husband in the first place and her own views are not his.

Definitely let your wife take the lead.

I would let your wife take the lead as well. If she is reticent about it it could be that she has a valid reason - previous history of past manipulative behaviour. You sound very nice and forgiving - however there could be genuine reasons for your wife wanting to keep things as they are.

Do you come from a loving family? I only say that because I do't speak to my mother because I was sick of her ways and all the hurt she caused, but DP (whose family is very close and loving) sometimes has found it hard to understand why I would never speak to her again.

I would let your wife dictate what happens. She is likely very shocked at this new turn of events and will need time to digest it and think about what she wants. All you can do is offer your perspective, which you have, and support her decision. Ideally, your MIL will have genuinely changed her tune and will be able to be a part of your lives apart from your FIL.

My MIL and BIL have recently proven themselves to be the most awful kind of people and I don't know what's going to happen in the future but all I can do is tell my DH what I think (that I would happily wish them out of existence) but that it's his decision how we proceed and I'm going to have to suck it up if I need to!

I would go with what your wife says.

It strikes me that the whole visit from your MIL was something of a performance and designed to be as dramatic as possible. The visit out of the blue, the crying, the victim status of having to go against her husband's wishes to grace you with her presence etc. And now she gets to take centre stage again.

I freely admit to being cynical about many things though, so feel free to disregard any of the above if I've mis-read the situation.

Definitely up to your wife.

I obviously hold a grudge/am heartless because if my mother wanted nothing to do with my husband, I´m not sure why she would want anything to do with his child.

Thank you for all the input. It's very much appreciated.

At this moment, my wife hasn't come to a conclusive decision. She's still mulling it over. She's really judicious and she's thinking about it from every angle

@ LongtallJosie - Yeah, I'm letting my wife take the lead on this one. I just told her how I felt about it. You're right about her definitely knowing her parents better than I do, and that's why I haven't forgotten about what she told me about her mother's manipulative habits at times.

@CogitoErgoSometimes - Really interesting background about your family. Sounds a little ironic that a mixed race family would have a problem with interracial relationships. In regards to the moral-high ground - I was never angry at my wife's parents in the first place. I just pitied them in all honesty, so I guess forgiveness is easier for me in that sense.

@ Chopthescarletduck - If you don't mind me asking, how is the relationship you have with her parents-in-law after going through all that friction? And yes, I also realise that my wife's mother's secret re-connection with my family could really make things complicated since her husband still doesn't approve.

@mercibucket - Yup, you're right, my wife knows her own parents best. Interesting about the situation with the couple you know. Personally I wouldn't feel too comfortable with such an arrangement. Like one other poster said, I think it's better to be honest about it and let the grandfather know.

@the greylady - I also think my mother-in-law deserves a second chance. Like I wrote in another post, I was never angry or even offended by her stance - I just pitied her and her husband for having such a narrow way of thought. Though at the end of the day, it's my wife's choice and in any event, she's the one who is best equipped to deal with the situation since they are her parents and she also knows them well. She's mulling it over, but it's difficult for her to forget all the arguments and the way her parents shunned her simply because she fell in love.

@Dueling Fanjo - Will do :)

@getorfmoiland - I agree in essence because like I wrote before, my wife is best equipped to deal with the situation. And yes, I come from a very loving family - large and very close. So I guess some of my willingness to forgive is probably influenced by the family I have. Though my wife told me that when was a little girl and even through her early to mid teenage years, she was very close with her mother. Her father . . . not so much.

It is a real shame, and your poor wife must be feeling very overwhelmed at the moment, and really conflicted. Very hard for all of you - she is doing the best thing and not making a knee jerk decision.

@Squitten, Copptertop and Diddl - Yup, my thoughts and support is all I can give her. Like your situation with your in-laws, all I can do is wait and see what she decides. Ideally, yes, my MIL would have changed her tune (I'd really like that to be true) but like my mother said, she can be manipulative. When we were still dating, before I proposed, my wife told me how her mother tried to scare her out of her relationship with me with things like she'll be an outcast in society, it's not natural, and so forth. I do believe people can change, but those things certainly fit into the manipulative characterisation.

For me the hard thing would be that she hadn´t changed her mind before the baby.

And not only that, waited until the baby was a year old.

It strikes me as being all about MIL.

It´s very hard to imagine how a mother can treat a daughter like that.

To be honest I think skin colour or racism is a red herring. It could be anything. (And I can see why you would want to be quick to want to forgive bigoted views and move on, but this goes deeper)

If your wifes parents were nice and caring people, they would not are about anything else but their daughters happiness.

They are people without care and compassion, people who engage in controlling and manipulative behaviour through power battles.

The fact is that they have chosen to cut their own daughter out of their life, over her love for a man, speaks for itself, really.

Now your wifes mother is deceiving her own husband, and wants to be part of your lives.

I would be very suspicious of this.

What good can this woman possibly do in your lives?

What positive influence could she possibly have?

I would say : Protect your wife and family from further hurt.

One thing that's probably scaring your wife is the thought of her mother using her manipulative tendencies on your son. Even if she does "behave" with you, I don't think someone who has been manipulative for so long will be able to give it up. I'm not trying to make her sound like the boogymonster or something, but with young children and even toddlers it only takes a few comments or certain behaviour to send your children back to you wondering why mummy is mean to grandma or something like that. It's a careful infiltration that is frightening to think about. And while she may be as nice as pie to you, the people who hold the cards and can see through her, it might be harder for her to resist digging out the old tricks on someone who won't question it.

Yes-also-if they can so easily cut out their daughter-what type of Grandparents will they make?

Would your son really suffer for not having them in his life much/at all?

Better no Grandparents than crap ones imo.

It def wasn't easy to begin with. They seemed polite and friendly enough to start with. However, they were rather conniving and actually tried to turn me against dh, in a very underhand manner.

Eventually they did become a little more wholeheartedly accepting. So we get along, and they are close to the kids, but I don't fully trust them, I try to keep my distance to a degree.

Our situation was slightly different in that dh always wanted to try to maintain the relationship with his family, even though they had given him the same ultimatum, me or them, and he had chosen me.

If you see it from your wife's point of view her reluctance is understandable. She was close to her mother growing up and then she met you and that all changed. Suddenly her mother turned against her. It might have been a huge turning point for her, where she suddenly realised that her mother wasn't as great as she appeared to be. She cut her mother off, and that was it, no contact, and she clearly managed fine without her (largely thanks to you nikita, I would imagine). Now she's back on the scene and your wife is faced with having to bury all the hurt that she felt from the horrible things her mother said and did.

What your wife needs to look at is whether having her mother around again will actually add to her life in any way. She has already proven herself to be untrustworthy and so letting her back in is a huge risk. If she does let her back in, she needs to set clear boundaries so that the hurt that she felt before isn't exacerbated. She also needs to consider the effect it'll have on your son long term - will such a manipulative horrible woman be a good addition to his life?

I'm guessing that when her parents made her choose between them and you it was actually a relief as it gave her an excuse to get away from horrible manipulative parents. Now, that excuse has been taken away and the danger is that she will feel obliged to reform a relationship with her mother out of guilt. Don't let her do that. If she does let her mother back in then it has to be on her terms and with her full willingness.

It must be pretty damn galling for your wife to know that if your son hadn't come along her mother probably still wouldn't be bothered about her. Also the fact that the mother is willing to stay with a man who has disowned his own daughter and grandchild rather than stand up to him must be a hard pill to swallow.

You sound like a lovely supportive partner, she is lucky to have you.

Yet again, I express my appreciation at all of the input. You people are great.

@QuintessentialShadows: I don't think the bigotry is a red-herring. Her father has some views which border on far-right extremism. However, what you write reminds me of what my wife told me the other day. It was only when she grew older and wiser she started to realise that as her mind became more expansive, there were certain elements of her mind's enlightenment that her parents, especially her father, tried to curb with his own philosophy. Basically a subliminal way of "keeping her in check." I think about my son in that respect. I think about him as he grows up and starts learning things for himself.

@Oogaballoo and Diddl: My son is someone who I ESPECIALLY don't want to be around or associated with unnecessary aggravation. I and my wife can handle our own in that respect, however, I shall admit - the thought of my MIL taking my baby boy out for the day to the park or the zoo without me or my wife, like my parents usually do, does make me feel a bit uncomfortable. And it all comes back to that manipulative tendency. Even though my way of thought is influenced by coming from such a large and loving family and thus it makes me more receptive to the thought of forgiveness, it also acts a as a paradox, because like Diddl and QuintessentialShadows wrote, it's difficult to see how a parent can treat their daughter like my wife's parents did to her.

Just to add, I have a racist FIL. He has even made racist remarks about me (I'm Irish). As DS gets older and starts understanding more I will be carefully monitoring what is said around him and if FIL says anything even bordering on racist I will be stopping contact, no negotiation. I will not have my child exposed to that sort of thinking. It's something that might be worth considering with your MIL as she may still think the same way but be trying to hide it in the hopes of seeing your son. Was she civil to you when she visited?

@CailinDana - Thank you for the input. You present some really valuable points. First off, you're definitely right about the mother/daughter situation. That's exactly it - like I wrote in the OP, I and my family had been living in wonderful tranquillity prior my MIL turning up. Because like you mention, especially for my wife, all the hurt was put behind us and we were moving on with our past. My MIL's sudden appearance paved way for some unsavoury past memories. Kind of like reopening old wounds. What you write about it not being a guilt-trip is very true and in a sense, I think that I'm actually guilty of that because of the close relationship I have with my mum and dad. But my wife said same thing you did. She said she's not going to let her mother back into our lives simply because of sentimentality - having a son changes the entire complexion and the situation is radically different from when we were dating and didn't have a child.

In regards to my MIL's treatment with me, yes, she was very civil - so nice you'd have thought she never opposed the entire thing in the first place. Interesting that you're kind of in the same boat with your FIL. So frustrating, isn't it? It's just needless in every sense of the word. What does your other half think about your stance in regards to any racist views aired around your child being met with immediate expulsion? Oh and thanks for the kind words. I'm not that great (my wife will tell you that I'm an idiot because I become too emotionally invested in the football and almost shout the house down when I'm watching Arsenal play) but your words are greatly appreciated.

@ChopthescarletDark - Thanks for sharing your own experience of what is almost an identical situation. I've got to say that the conniving and underhandedness of your in-laws has heightened my wariness. I just don't even want to deal with an ounce of that. It's just needless.