Mother-in-law Looking To Establish A Relationship With Wife (Her Daughter) And Son After Previous Expulsion

[nikita1987]

Hello all.

I realise that this website is predominantly aimed at women (don't be fooled by the nickname - you don't know how many times I had to tell people during my school years that "Nikita" is both a girl AND boy's name!) and being a man, I kind of stand out. However, I'd really like some input on a current situation concerning my family, from some women here. Bear with me if you can stand it :)

Anyway, I'm happily married with a wonderful wife and a son who has just experienced his first birthday. I'm really loving being both a father and husband. However, recently, I and my my family's tranquillity was interrupted by my mother-in-law who came to visit us out of the blue for the first time in two years. It was also the first time she met her grandson. The relationship I and my wife have with her father and mother is strained to say the least - actually, it's completely non-existent. My wife severed all ties with her parents when she married me. And the reason she did that was because her parents didn't approve of our relationship. They're very old-fashioned and don't believe in interracial relationships. I'm black and my wife is white.

We met in first year at university and when we started dating, my wife was completely straight with me; after she met my parents who adored her, she told me how her parents wouldn't approve of us. I didn't really care at the time because of how I felt about her. She then told her parents about me. They were upset to say the least. For the three years we dated, she had a very turbulent relationship with them and rarely went home during uni holidays. The final straw was when I proposed after I and my wife graduated from uni. Her parents gave her an ultimatum - them or me. She chose the latter.

It was a difficult period, because I love my parents and I know that if I were in the same situation, even though I'd have made the same decision my wife did and even though I'd have harboured a lot of anger for them like she did, I would still hurt because I'm always going to have an inherent connection with them. They're my parents after all.

Anyway, I and my wife went on with our lives. We had a beautiful wedding two years ago and now we have an even more beautiful baby boy. Of course, her parents never attended both occasions. That was until last weekend, when my wife's mother showed up at our home. The initial shock of her appearance was heightened when she gently picked up her grandson, held him close and sobbed. She literally cried like a child and held him for ten minutes. She then told us at how sorry she was and how silly she's been. She said she's discarded her previous perspective on things and she wants to be in our lives once again. She wants to watch her grandson grow up. She also said, however, that her husband is still bitter and doesn't want anything to do with us - that he wasn't even aware of her presence at our home.

My wife is a diligent person and she was quite conservative with her thoughts after her mother left. She told me her mother can be pretty manipulative at times and that she doesn't want to expose us to any possibility of future aggravation. Especially with her father still being heavily opposed to us. I was less conservative. Personally I believe people take some time to adjust to unexpected situations. After seeing the sincerity in my wife's mother, I think we should give her a chance. But I told my wife it's her decision at the end of the day.

Anyway, I'd just like to know the thoughts of the community here. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time and I hope you all have a lovely day.

My DH has a tendency to make excuses for his father unfortunately. He's very embarrassed about his racism and he would support me in cutting him off if FIL was racist around our son, but I know over time he would then try to sort things out and re establish a relationship. As far as I'm concerned a person who can spout racist remarks around a young child isn't to be trusted. He has yet to show he will do that, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being but if he proves to be untrustworthy then that's it for me I'm afraid.

I'm bi-racial and we know a lot of bi-racial families. This situation was very common for my parents' generation (60s marriages).

Based on the experiences I've heard about, I would say be rather wary.

One of my mother's friends found that, while her parents did want contact with their grandchildren, they had not really altered their racist views. The grandparents' love for the grandchildren was very conditional, did not prevent them from openly criticising the son-in-law or from expressing pretty unfortunate views in front of the grandchildren.

It may seem unlikely but it is entirely possible to yearn for the grandparent role and yet be relatively unaccepting of the grandchildren you actually have (there was a mild version of that from my own grandmother). I do feel my parents should have done more to get my grandmother to belt up, and to help us deal with the stuff she did say.

@CailinDana - Completely agree with you about a person that can spout racist remarks around a young child being untrustworthy.

@Eldrtich Cleavage - Thanks for sharing your own experience. Very interesting input in regards to yearning for the grandparent role whilst also not accepting of the grandchildren. You write, "I do feel my parents should have done more to get my grandmother to belt up, and to help us deal with the stuff she did say." If possible, could you please elaborate on that? Do you mean she aired her views right out in front of you?

I can only echo the other posters, I think. I think your wife is right to be cautious, for a number of reasons. Her mother's change of heart seems dramatic and out of the blue. Will it be followed by a reversion to type later? Was she actively a racist before or 'only' passively allowing her husband's views to dominate? (Personally I can't imagine how a mother could cut her own child out because of someone else's views, whatever they were).

What will happen when/if the father finds out? Might it make life more difficult for the mother, and lead to the loss of a grandparent from your ds' life when he is old enough to wonder why?

I have to agree with Quint. What can you get out of the resumption of this relationship, other than tension and then heartache?

My grandmother was not racist towards us, Nikita, but she found it hard having grandchildren who were so different from her, and on occasions when we were little that felt like not wanting us on grounds of race.

Everything from religion (we aren't) to politics (left not centre-right) to a general lack of social conformity (she was the type to be terrified of what the neighbours thought, we certainly aren't). She tended to criticise those things about us that she found uncomfortable, and it came across to us as disapproval of our family. She called us heathens (my mother did blow up at that one) and was always tense as if we were about to let the side down. We were a conspicuous family (because we were bi-racial) and that embarrassed her.

She also, very blatantly, favoured her other-white-grandchildren over us (though partly this was about favouring boys over girls). For some reason she disliked one of us particularly and didn't hide it.

Ironically, she adored and idolised my father, who Could Do No Wrong. Little did she know his equanimity in her presence was because as soon as she opened her mouth, he switched off his ears. I wish he had set out firmer ground rules with her about how to behave towards us. She would have obeyed him, whereas it was left to my mother whom she could maipulate (usually by crying and guilt trips).

I mean, telling her to take up issues she had with our parents rather than making snide remarks to us, just picking her up on the small things every time, rather than huge rows or family meetings. And having a debrief after her visits to let us know it was about her, not us.

She wasn't actually a monster and I do have some good memories of her (plus a better understanding now of how she came to be as she was), but as a nuclear family we needed to be a firmer alliance against some of her shit, for lack of a better way of putting it. Singling my younger sibling out to be the least-liked is, however, something I do not forgive.

It isn't always the big things. It could, for you, be stuff like favouring the lighter-skinned chld over the darker. Never being overtly racist but being dismissive of your family culture that includes things from your racial/cultural background. Nothing massive, but lots of small things adding up to making your children feel 'wrong'. That's the stuff to be wary of.

@EldritchCleavage - I have to thank you because your insight has been really valuable. Having a mixed race kid, I and my wife always knew it wouldn't be the same as having a child that is 100% white or 100%. That the child would in all likelihood, have a different experience than someone whose parents come from the same race and cultural background. Though I have to say, what you have written about your relationship with your grandmother and the subtle things, has really, really enlightened me.

The little things you mention - it's the connotations and the culmination of those things that make me quite wary. With my own parents, my wife has never experienced any culture shocks or preferences. Although we have different skin tones, we're pretty homogeneous and we understand one another perfectly. Like I wrote before, I feel stupid for not assessing the possibility of those little things before. I guess comfort and contentedness breeds complacency.

Thanks yet again. I'll actually discuss some of the things from your experience with my wife.

P.S. That bit about your dad switching off his ears made me laugh.

@tribpot - From what my wife has told me, her mother wasn't as "hardcore" as her father. Like I wrote in another post, my wife's father had some pretty far-right extremist views, and my MIL, even though she didn't oppose some of those things, she never really supported them. Though I do believe her stance on interracial relationships was completely genuine. Genuine enough to let her daughter go, I guess.

I think your MIL not telling your FIL is irrelevant, and in a way not really your business, certainly not your problem. It is her relationship with him, and none of you are in the process of trying to build a relationship with him. If his wife wants to lie to him in order to have a relationship with you, then it's her business. I don't think you should give it another thought.

Worry about what you want to do about MIL and let her worry about what she does about FIL.

Good luck.

FWIW, my bf had this from her parents, who were ridiculous about the possibility of 'brown babies' (bf and her dh are both white fgs, he is Italian !!!!!!!). After 20years of very good marriage, her dad made the most moving speech about how silly they had been (he and his wife) and how bf's dh had been the best and most wonderful husband for her and son in law for them. It makes me cry to think of it even now.

They weren't as badly estranged or zealous in their bigotry in the first place though.

Sorry, I wasn't clear: my post above was talking about my white maternal grandmother. My father is black.