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Original poster

What would 'I just don't want a baby' mean to you...

53 replies

Guinnessisgoodforyou · 28/05/2012 06:41

If you found out you were pregnant and your husband said that the above and didn't budge on that opinion how would you feel, what would you do?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/05/2012 06:43

I'd assume he meant if the pregnancy continued the marriage was over
Personally, the marriage would be over, but it depends on how (hyou?) feel about having a baby too really
Hope you're OK

buggyRunner · 28/05/2012 06:43

It depends on what you want. I would say, "that's quite inconvenient as you already made one,"
He may just be having a wobble and if he isn't you don't need him

AllOverIt · 28/05/2012 06:45

Say 'suck it up'. It's happening and there's not much you can do..

OddBoots · 28/05/2012 07:08

It would depend if he had taken this line before the pregnancy too, how much effort he had gone to in order to try to prevent a pregnancy and what (if anything) we had decided we would do if a pregnancy occurred.

Nothing of that changes the end result that he needs to support you but it would have a bearing on how sympathetic I would be to his view.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2012 07:11

It would say to me.... don't expect any help or support, don't ask me to do anything, don't complain when I don't pitch in. It's a cop out.

SilentBoob · 28/05/2012 07:11

I'd say "well luckily you've got 9 months to come around to the idea".

But that is applicable to my husband and our marriage. Prob not much help to you.

hiveofbees · 28/05/2012 07:17

I would be irritated, if you are pregnant now then 'I just dont want a baby' sounds a bit like bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted.
Obviously how you move forward depends on how you feel about it, but its not as if there is an option to simply rewind time.

maleview70 · 28/05/2012 07:19

I would say its almost the worst thing he could possibly say after finding out you are pregnant. To me it says, "I want you to get rid of it".

You might want to think about getting rid of him!

OhNoMyFanjo · 28/05/2012 07:21

It's what hes not saying that's the problem isn't it.

LapisBlue · 28/05/2012 07:28

Hi OP

If you'd already talked about whether children were going to be part of your relationship (or perhaps more children, your post doesn't make it clear) and he'd categorically stated that he didn't want them, then his answer would mean that yes, he REALLY meant it so...what on earth are you doing getting pregnant - it's a joint decision. Not what you want to hear but I've spoken to a number of male friends whose partners got pregnant accidentally on purpose and none of the relationships have survived due to the deceit.

Not saying this is you, by the way.

If you hadn't talked about it and it's an accident then you need to sit down with him and talk about what you BOTH want to do.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2012 07:38

I agree with Lapis.

Westcountrylovescheese · 28/05/2012 07:43

You really really need to be having a proper discussion with him about this OP. Only then can you really know what he means by this.

My DH was unsure about having a baby BEFORE we decided to start a family. After a long discussion the actual issue was that he was worried about whether or not he'd make a good father, worried about the changes it would mean to his life and scared of the fragility of very young babies. By having a discussion about it we were able to explore his fears and also I was able to admit that I had similar worries. Our joint decision was to go for it. I'm 30 weeks pregnant now and both me and DH are over the moon. We both have worries but that's natural.

What I am trying to say is that what you need in a relationship is the ability to be open and honest about your true feelings about the 'big things' in your joint life together and talk about it. You haven't given much info OP but you need to not jump to conclusions about what he does and doesn't mean and start talking. This may just be a scared reaction or it may be something deeper, the only way you'll know is by talking with him about it.

Good luck, and congratulations!

Original poster
Guinnessisgoodforyou · 28/05/2012 07:43

Lapis, kids/children NEVER been mentioned before.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/05/2012 07:48

Is it an accident then? It seems strange to have got married without ever discussing it. Anyway now is the time to sit down and have a full discussion.

ladyintheradiator · 28/05/2012 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiveofbees · 28/05/2012 07:51

His options are limited really, if you want to continue with the pregnancy.

Could it be the shock of it? He might come round to the idea in time, or when things are a little more real for him.

Dprince · 28/05/2012 07:51

So you married someone and never did discussed if children were part of your plan. To me kids is a deal breaker. Me and dh didn't have a big plan for kids but we had a chat about kids and we both wanted them. I wouldn't have married anyone without that being clear. Maybe that's just me.

mambonumber4 · 28/05/2012 07:52

A lot of men react like this, my wonderful DH didnt speak for 3 days when we were expecting out first child, it was awful.

We are now expecting DC3 Grin.

LapisBlue · 28/05/2012 07:57

OP - thanks for your honest response but this is a bit strange. He's your husband, right, and you NEVER discussed the issue of children? Ever?

The thing is, with housework you can compromise: you do the dishes, I'll change the bedding, you cook on a Sunday etc - with a baby there is no compromise at all, you either stay pregant or you have a termination, you can't have "half a baby" - OK, I know that sounds bonkers.

(cockney accent) You are in a pickle and no mistake.

Don't assume he will "come round" - this has not been the case in my experience of talking to men who don't want babies.

Is there something more to this, OP, that you can't quite bear to tell us?

LapisBlue · 28/05/2012 08:00

And to answer your question directly:

"I just don't want a baby" means

"I just don't want a baby"

It's not much more complicated than that. As someone without children who has NEVER wanted them, quite frankly, I'm with your DH on this one.

EightiesChick · 28/05/2012 08:04

Context is all important here. We know how he feels (as Lapis says it's pretty clear), but what about you? Do you want kids?

OhNoMyFanjo · 28/05/2012 08:05

How can you be married and never have discussed kids?

juneau · 28/05/2012 08:05

You married each other and the subject of children has NEVER come up???? Wow.

I feel like you're withholding a lot of info here and being deliberately vague, but what he's said is pretty unambiguous isn't it?

Did you want this baby? Was an accident or an 'accident'? If he really doesn't want it, are you prepared to go it alone?

gettingalifenow · 28/05/2012 08:09

I don't really understand why you've never had this conversAtion before? How long have you been together?

Until you've talked to him one more you can't really understand what he's telling you - it might be shock, or it might be a firmly held position.

Original poster
Guinnessisgoodforyou · 28/05/2012 08:14

Sorry, married and always planned to have a family one day, never discussed it on a regular basis as it was just something we both wanted. Sorry, I meant never as in never discussed as in discussing that he didn't and I did if that makes sense. Always assumed for as long as we've been together that one day we would want a family. Sorry for being vague, very emotional about it all.

OP posts: