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Original poster

What would 'I just don't want a baby' mean to you...

53 replies

Guinnessisgoodforyou · 28/05/2012 06:41

If you found out you were pregnant and your husband said that the above and didn't budge on that opinion how would you feel, what would you do?

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/05/2012 08:14

whose partners got pregnant accidentally on purpose...

Nonsense. If you don't want them, you make sure they don't happen. if you're lazy enough to leave it up to your partner then you take your chances.

hiveofbees · 28/05/2012 08:20

How many other children do you have?

Boysrstupid · 28/05/2012 08:20

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with a DD that my now exp 'just didnt want a baby'. He walked less than 24 hours after BFP and we haven't spoken since.

He know's I continued with the pregnancy but his position hasn't changed.

My stance - his loss! I cannot wait to meet our baby girl, my DSs cannot wait to meet their baby sister. She will be loved without being made to feel like a burden.

You have to do what's right for you. Initially I wanted to terminate but something inside just wouldn't let me. I got to the clinic twice! I'm so glad it wouldn't.

I am very much pro-choice btw. It wasn't guilt, or obligation that kept me pregnant. This baby was meant to be for us.

Everbody has a different story to tell.

Good luck.

Northernlurker · 28/05/2012 08:26

OP - it sounds like your previous references to this have been an honest statement from you - you want a baby - and a generic 'mmmmm yes' from dh to keep the peace. Now he thinks you actually want to move on this he's telling you what he really wants.

You can put a bit of time on finding out why but my bet is you're married to a selfish man-child who doesn't want to disrupt his own life. If you push him, your sex life will probably appear as a factor plus he 'just doesn't think he will be a good father'

Don't waste time trying to change his mind.

Margerykemp · 28/05/2012 08:26

So what you're saying is that he is coercing you into an abortion you don't want? Yes that makes him a prize prick.

EightiesChick · 28/05/2012 08:42

Fact is then that this may mean you splitting up if you want to keep your baby. Don't imagine he will 'come round' - work on the assumption that he won't. Focus on you and what you really want your life to be like.

Dprince · 28/05/2012 08:50

I have to ask, was there an actual conversataion about children. Or did you say something along the lines of 'i like kids' as opposed to 'kids are a must for me'. If you were clear and he responded in a way that made you think he wanted them too, did you point that out when he told you he didn't want the baby. If so what was his reasoning in making you think he did want them or what has changed his mind. I don't think its selfish to not want kids, its selfish to make you think he did.

Hullygully · 28/05/2012 08:54

He doesn't want a baby.

LapisBlue · 28/05/2012 08:58

Yes, the old chestnut about those not wanting children being selfish - I thought we'd moved on from that. The husband in this situation may well be selfish, he may well be inconsiderate, inarticulate and all those horrible things. However, he may be a great guy, kind and a generally lovely bloke who ...simply doesn't want children.

We don't actually know - OP - this is all a bit odd. Can you expand a bit?

And what do you think that you want to do and, finally, another question: Are you definitely pregnant?

StealthPolarBear · 28/05/2012 09:00

I think before you worry about him you need to think about what you want?
If you want the baby do not terminate to keep him or because of pressure from him. If you want the baby, then he either comes round or you have it alone. Anything else will lead to heartache.
Of course if you're not sure you want the baby that's a different matter. But take him out of the equation first.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2012 09:00

@Lapis. It's not selfish to state up front when someone's considering marrying you that you don't want children. It is selfish to vaguely agree to the idea of starting a family & trap yourself a wife under false pretences. It's plain evil to find out your wife is having your child and then say you don't want it.

LapisBlue · 28/05/2012 09:09

Yes, true of course, Cogito - I didn't mean to imply otherwise. However, I still don't think that the OP has been completely straightforward with us. Sorry, OP, I know you're worried but nobody can give advice until or unless we know the whole truth.

only4tonight · 28/05/2012 09:11

Lapis. Wanting children or not is something that should be a compromise. For me it was an instant deal breaker no matter how lovely the bloke was. It is a fundamental difference in your Outlook on how you want your life to be and compromise on either side would lead to resentment. Each choice is a valid lifestyle choice and neither is right, wrong or selfish but they are fundamentally incompatible.

Having said that if someone doesn't want a baby they should make damn sure they don't create one in the first place. Not taking responsibility for your fertility if you are 100 percent sure of your choice is irresponsible and, for a man, no longer his choice one conception has occurred.

Trills · 28/05/2012 09:15

It means he doesn't want a baby. No more and no less. That's why you need to talk more.

Presumably you (the two of you) were not trying to have a baby?

In which case I'd say that's a perfectly understandable reaction. You may very well have had the same thought yourself. If I were to find myself pregnant tomorrow it's exactly what I would think.

You need to talk about it and decide what to do.

Trills · 28/05/2012 09:18

Nonsense. If you don't want them, you make sure they don't happen. if you're lazy enough to leave it up to your partner then you take your chances.

Nonsense right back at you. If your partner who you (mistakenly) trust claims to be on the pill or implant or coil or injection then you would believe them and believe that it was all taken care of.

CharltonHairstyle · 28/05/2012 09:18

It would mean, you have 9 months to get ready and/or tough.

only4tonight · 28/05/2012 09:30

Trills. In my opinion 1 method of contraception means you aren't really planning on a(nother) child (at the moment) but the world wouldn't end if it happened. If it would be the end of the world you double up or take a more permanent route. But always take responsibility for your own fertility.

jubilucket · 28/05/2012 09:36

Very confused by this - surely unless there's been a specific agreement that neither party wants children there is an assumption when a man and a woman marry they intend to have a family at some point? Your DH is being a bit of a wanker here.

Helltotheno · 28/05/2012 09:47

OP you're married and he's a twunt. If this was something he didn't want, he should've made himself clear already.

Pregnancy is a time you should be enjoying so my advice to you now is to take a hard line. Don't let yourself be talked into abortion or any other BS (unless of course you want that yourself). Tell him if he doesn't want the child, tough titty, you do, and give him a time limit to pack his bags.
I'm sure that'll focus his mind one way or another.

Don't let this stress you out. Take control of the situation and prepare for the worst... it probably won't happen but no harm in nailing your colours to the mast as they say.

Btw congratulations:)

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 10:02

Do NOT terminate this pregnancy if you don't want to. Do NOT terminate for someone else.

If this happened to me I would be angry, then sad, then probably not talk to my DH until he had come round and apologised to me for being such a dick. If I were to get pg now I know he would be dismayed, as would I, but I really don't think he would ask me to terminate. If he did, I'd say 'No' and wait for him to get his head round it. Which he would, because he's not a cunt.

CinnabarRed · 28/05/2012 10:07

OP, are you in fact pregnant? It's not clear from what you've posted whether that's your DH's reaction to a "let's start TTC" conversation or a "I've just had a BFP" conversation.

Mama1980 · 28/05/2012 10:10

In my case coming from my ex: I don't want a baby and I'm gonna vanish into thin air! Total accident incidentally used contraception. depends on a lot of factors, shock, etc. By dint let him pressure you into anything you dont want to do. But if it literally means he doesn't want a baby then you above to consider what you want and the implications for your relationship. Personally my response would be 'bugger off then' but probably not the most helpful in the world. I think you need a serious discussion.

LowFlyingBirds · 28/05/2012 10:10

I still dont understand what the family/babies conversations consisted of. What was said, what was assumed etc?

expatinscotland · 28/05/2012 10:13

How would I feel? If I wanted the baby, then I'd keep it and dump him.

If YOU, as an individual, never ever want to procreate, then you get yourself sterilised (and you can pay for it privately) to ensure it doesn't happen, not leave it up to someone else.

gladiolus · 28/05/2012 10:16

Were you using contraception?

If not, did he know you weren't using contraception? Did you have the "Let's try for a baby!" conversation or did you come off it without telling him.

We need more deets.

If there was an understanding that one day you would try for a family when xyz happened, then surely there would have been a "are we ready to start a family yet?" conversation.

If contraception failed and it wasn't planned then I guess you're on your own from the sounds of it.

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