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Original poster

Husband is cheating on me and out 3 month old daughter

75 replies

char222 · 27/05/2012 21:27

Shortly after my DD was born my husband had to move to another part of the country for his job. We were supposed to be moving with him, but delays mean i have been on my own for the last 10 weeks.

Since he has moved away he has shown no interest in our daughter, and shown me no support even though he knows i have found it hard being on my own.

I have since found out that he has been texting a girl at his new workplace saying things like how much he wants to kiss her. They have also been planning a trip together. He even texted her ""goodnight sweetheart xx" whilst in bed with me! When confronted he said that since the birth of DD the spark has gone from our marriage.

I can't believe how selfish he is being. I am unsure whether our marriage is worth saving, but the thought of being a single parent terrifies me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation??

OP posts:
NotSureICanCarryOn · 28/05/2012 14:19

char222
It looks like DH may be suffering from post natal depression.

Look PND for men is said to exist but this is the case of men living with their partners, not ones who lives a long way away.
This is also a depression, ie feeling low, low mood, perhaps also being irritable or anxious.
In your posts there is nothing that could match one of these symptoms. This is about a man who is happy to text another woman with explicit texts whilst in bed with you!
This is a man who, in just a few months, decides that 'the spark has gone' but hasn't done anything to re ignite said spark.

Has he propose anything re improving your relationship? If there is an issue, has he said what needs to change/ what isn't working well for him? Has he had an adult conversation about it with you or is it just a 'spark is gone. That's the end'

I would really advice you to have a thorough look at your relationship before moving. Especially if that means you are moving away from friends, family, RL support that you still need when you are there. Do you think deep down he actually wants to be a dad, a father, a husband?

NotSureICanCarryOn · 28/05/2012 14:22

Fair point, if he has PND, is he addressing the issue? has he gone to see his GP about it? Does he have a diagnostic of PND or did he say that to you or du you think it is the case?

Shinyshoes1 · 28/05/2012 14:29

or are you making excuses for him

LunarRose · 28/05/2012 14:36

FFS,

Having a baby is a major life changing event, sometime we as human beings struggle with major life changing events and do stupid things.

I'm all for giving him the opportunity to turn the situation around and step up to the mark.

Good luck

LunarRose · 28/05/2012 14:37

But he does need to turn the situation around and step up to the mark, he does need to put the effort in

clam · 28/05/2012 14:42

Stupid things, maybe. Callous things, like texting another woman whilst in bed with his wife who has just given birth to his child, make him a bastard. Frankly.

Foshizzle · 28/05/2012 14:47

There is a difference between obtaining a genuine, medical diagnosis of PND and using it as a manipulative tool to get away with utterly shit behaviour.

The point is really that if char is really scared about being on her own she is likely to jump on this as an explanation without proof, further thought, any kind of idea of how to address what may or may not be the case, move up there with him, try to patch it up and move on and be back on this board in six months' time at most.

NotSureICanCarryOn · 28/05/2012 14:49

LunarRose
I actually agree with you. I think we should all give people an opportunity to change.

But that starts by having a clear idea of what is going on. If there is an issue with depression (PND or not) this needs to be addressed and it starts by a visit to the GP.
If he is struggling with being a father, it starts by talking about it to his DW.

What is a real issue for me is the succession of events:

  • baby
  • going away for work
  • says there is no spark left
  • does not propose anything to solve the problem.
clam · 28/05/2012 14:54

notsure you seem to have missed out from your list the "Goodnight sweetheart" text to the girl in his office. Oh, and planning a day out and wanting to kiss her.
Or maybe he thought that might cure him?

Hmm
LunarRose · 28/05/2012 14:54

What not sure said, that's what I meant by stepping up to the mark.

But seriously actually in this case I think simply spending a decent amount of time together would help. At the moment he has no idea what it feel like to be a Dad because he's not being one. He needs to change this.

clam · 28/05/2012 14:56

Stepping up to the mark for me would be jacking in the other woman.

Malificence · 28/05/2012 14:58

We'll see you here next time then OP , when it all turns to shit again. Sad

Decent men don't behave like this, they just don't.

LunarRose · 28/05/2012 15:01

Yes jacking in the other woman is a given Hmm

Now I have never suggested the OP should stay with her partner if he kept the other woman going.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/05/2012 15:04

Who said he has PND?!

I may be cynical but whatever is wrong with him, its OW induced.

He is being a selfish wanker - treating his baby daughter and lovely wife in this way Sad

FashionEaster · 28/05/2012 20:40

The unknown sometimes feels more frightening than the known, especially when having a baby can leave you feeling so vulnerable, so if you can square what's happened away in your mind like this Char, then ok, and I genuinely wish it all works out well for you and your new family. I hope your DH realised what a tool he has been and really treasures the family he has.

But just to reassure you, if at any point in the future you decide that this relationship with DH is not what you want, then you are not trapped, you can and will cope, and not only cope, but be strong, happy and fulfilled too. And there is a wealth of support and advice on here. I would not be as sane, financially secure and happy as I am now without MN Smile

ledkr · 28/05/2012 20:49

I was going to say the same as easter op please come back if you need to,most of us have stayed with arseholes when we shouldnt have i know i have,it takes strength to walk away from a relationship with such a young baby and its too eay for us too all tell you what to do.
Come back if you need to.

chocoraisin · 28/05/2012 20:54

PND in men does exist, but in men it usually presents later, takes longer to develop and often comes out as aggression/irritability rather than low mood/sadness.

I'm not trying to be dismissive OP but just google the symptoms and causes of PND in men and ask yourself honestly, do the facts in your own life match up?

I'm pg and a recently single mum of one DS, due to a similarly rubbish STBXH. OW involved, the whole caboodle. It is enormously painful and I understand your fears and wish that things could somehow be blamed on something other than him being a dick - I bought into the whole depression excuse for a long time myself. But ultimately, depression doesn't give anyone the right to treat their partner appallingly. And depression doesn't mean that you have no control over how you treat other people either. It's not a given that a depressed person will also be a total arsewipe...

Wishing you strength and sending you hugs x

CPtart · 28/05/2012 20:55

If you come back on here OP in 6 months time and tell us all is well, how he has stepped up and become a great father and how content you all are......

I'll eat my hat.

I'm more likely to win the olympic 100m this summer!

get0rfm0iland · 29/05/2012 12:22

I totally agree with ledkr - the OP must feel in a shitty situation and all of us lot saying 'nah he is talking shite' must be difficult to read, and I know that I have put up with a load of bollocks in relationships in the past because I was too scared to leave. You will get a lot of support on here OP if you need it.

Original poster
char222 · 29/05/2012 12:22

thanks for all of your messages. I sent him the link to this thread to get it through to him what an arsehole he has been and i think its good for him to see what others think I should do.

The depression was diagnosed, but it doesn't not excuse those texts.

I've also had words with his OW. If she believes the "my wife doesnt understand me" crap more fool her. I do believe what goes around comes around. Karma will sort her out. Personally i can't see why these women chase married men. Someone spineless enough to treat their wife and daughter with such contempt is hardly good future partner material. If we didnt have a daughter I wouldnt take him back.

I owe it my daughter to see if things can work out. And i owe it to myself to walk away if they don't.

OP posts:
clam · 29/05/2012 12:35

Not sure it's going to help sending him this link. I doubt there are many blokes who'd hold their hands up to a Mumsnet jury and say "yes, you women are absolutely right. I've been wrong and foolish." More likely he'll accuse us of being a bunch of man-hating harpies who are talking out of our feminist arses and we can f* right off.

get0rfm0iland · 29/05/2012 12:53

I agree with clam - especially since most of us are blisteringly unsympathetic about his depression, and call him names.

Just take it a day at a time, it is very hard when you have such a young baby and crap like this is going on. It is very tempting to take the easiest path I know. Just don't let him get away with murder.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2012 15:12

what was his response to reading this thread ?

ledkr · 29/05/2012 20:49

Of course you do op. if you try then walk away it will feel easier.

Never be scared to be alone though,its not as bad as you imagine.

Do what you need to do and post on here for support.

People only tell you to get out because its hard to see a fellow human being treated so shittily.

He may change,he may not but you will cope whatever happens.

Good luck.

Fourlegged · 29/05/2012 21:53

Interested on his response too

You arse hole.

ANd OP all you gave said seems like the pragmatic approach xxx good luck

And I hope it works out and the spark comes back xxxx

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