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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's not going to call, is he?

46 replies

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 12:03

Long story - posted on here when it happened. Basically, we have been in contact a few times and met up once (when we seemed to have got back together/decided to take things one day at a time).

He says he loves me/misses me/is sad, miserable without me .... but is confused about how he feels/is scared of hurting me (again/more), feels any future would involve him uprooting me and the kids as he doesn't want to live in a city (although I've explained that I - and the kids - are not worried about a move which wouldn't in any way happen until the kids change school anyway). He is worried he will screw up another step-family relationship, still hasn't sorted out divorce/marital home and feels like a fraud in that he thinks he is a worse person than I of course think he is.

We spoke for an hour last Monday - the call ended with him asking for time to try and sort his head/try to resolve his confusion. I said I was okay with him taking time but that I need him to contact me at some point to let me know what he's decided. I also asked him to think about counselling and to try to write down his feelings/thoughts and see if that helped him reach a decision.

I am trying very hard to not contact him .... and cycling through despair that he won't ever contact me again ... to hope that during our call I told him that if he wanted me to never speak to him again he just had to say that and he didn't.

I'm clutching at straws and drowning. I have honestly never felt this bad at the end of a relationship. How do I give up hope without feeling that I'm giving up on happiness? And how do I stop crying and start living again?

OP posts:

SirSugar · 27/05/2012 12:13

Why are you placing your fate in his hands? Happiness is not something that someone else provides. Expecting him validate your life will only make you more miserable.

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 12:19

I don't want him to validate my life - I just so strongly feel that we make each other happy - bar the past couple of months where I feel that much of the unhappiness he's been feeling comes from his inner confusion/turmoil rather than the actual physical setting of our relationship if that makes sense. And, very importantly to me, my kids really like him and he them.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2012 12:23

You should never give up hope. Sometimes, however, you need to change what you're hoping for. Thus, in this case, do keep on hoping for future happiness; but try to stop expecting it to come from your ex, because it won't. Hard though it is to see it at the moment, there's a great future ahead of you without him in it. It just takes time...

Bluebelle38 · 27/05/2012 12:28

He is a grown man and is capable of deciding if he wants a future with you or not.

If he doesn't want the same, there is nothing you can do.

Personally, I think if he wanted you in his life, you would be in it. I don't think he would be risking losing you.

it sounds as if you have all your hopes and dreams in the hands of this man. I'm sure you are a great woman and if he can't get beyond his fears and insecurities, then it is his loss.

Start getting on with your life and put him out of it. I know how hard it is, but you should not be sitting around pining for him and waiting for him to decide if he wantsto be a part of yours.

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 12:30

Thanks Annie, I know you're right. Just feels so hard to do. It would be so much easier if he said he didn't love me anymore ... and that the thought of not seeing him again didn't actually cause me physical pain.

OP posts:

xTonixxx · 27/05/2012 12:36

You mentioned in your previous post that your children ended up feeling like they were responsible for the break up. Please do not allow this man to keep coming and going with his "I don't know what I want" it really won't be very good for your children and is clearly not good for you!

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 12:49

@ xTonixx - I totally agree and the children don't know we've been in contact. I might be feeling totally bereft and despairing but I don't want to land any more crap on my kids. It was bad enough the other day when I told them I had a nice surprise for them (am taking them away for a few days at half-term) and they asked if we'd got back together. And to be honest, I think it's one reason he is so unsure about restarting our relationship - he doesn't want to hurt me/the kids and feels the loss already of his ex step-family.

OP posts:

xTonixxx · 27/05/2012 13:58

If I'm honest the excuses he gives you just sound like classic lines. Not wanting to hurt you and the kids is just a modern version of "it's not you it's me".

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs and what the man is really like but the indecisiveness just reeks of wanting his cake and eating it. He doesn't want to be alone, likes the company but doesn't want to be committed.

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 14:03

Whe i can see your point he isnt in fact having his cake as he says he doesnt want to see me for the reasons above and knows that i would see him given even half a chance. excuse typos am on phone

OP posts:

Lovetats · 27/05/2012 14:05

Someone once said to me that a good man doesn't run away from love. They were right.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you should move on and concentrate on your own happiness with your children. I've been in a similar situation and am much happier when I'm not checking my phone a million times a day.

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 14:06

And in fact says that because of what he sees as his personality faults and various problems he is pribably better on his own even though he misses me

OP posts:

Leverette · 27/05/2012 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 14:16

What the heck is angst apart from emition that people dont agree with. i am happy to admit that i am fed up feeling this bad but fail to see that loving someone and feeling pain/loss at losing them particularly when getting mixed signals is angst ...

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 27/05/2012 14:20

Sorry but OP you seem very needy and he seems to be trying to let you down gently. Makes yourself happy, you don't need another person to "make you happy", that alone is what you can do. Also unfair to put the onus of happiness on another

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 14:30

I do feel needy ... and sad/wrong though it may be being together made me happy.

i can cope on my own - have done for years but furst time for years i had more - and forgive me but i enjoyed it. i dont fall fir people easily - i did for him and am missing him/our relationship and our discussed future very much.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 27/05/2012 14:33

Dammit I thought there was a cake pic.

xTonixxx · 27/05/2012 14:34

Theres a line from a book I think is quite appropriate:

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You?re just afraid to let go of the last bits of blokes name because then you?ll be really alone"

This man has told you it's not happening. It's okay to mourn the loss of your relationship, it's okay to be sad, to miss him, but don't clutch to hope because it's gone.

xTonixxx · 27/05/2012 14:53

sorry forgot that * made things bold. I meant "blokes name" as in insert name here...

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 17:16

@xTonixx - thanks for the line from the book - something I''m going to have to consider ....

Two points still rankle with me - firstly, why he can't just do as I asked and tell me to f*ck off if that's what he wants me to do, rather than, as so many have said, feed me a line .... Have to say when I've finished relationships, it's either been totally amicable or I have not cared at all about sparing their feelings ...

and secondly, is it really the case that saying 'I need time/space" is a line ... ie that no one ever gets back together with someone following a break? Not saying it will in my case and as I've posted upthread am pretty sure it won't, but never? Surely there must be some cases where people have in fact got back together after one has said they need time to think things through or it wouldn't become a line in the first place, would it?

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/05/2012 17:28

It's shit.

It's a very long time ago now, but I so recognise the feelings from your posts :(

I'm older & 'wiser' (wiser sounds pompus but can't think of a better word!!), you can't make him love you, you can't make him want to be with you, you can't make him 'see sense' :(

He hasn't rung you because he doesn't care about you enough to put himself through another 'deep & meaningful'. The fact he hasn't rung you speaks volumes.

Yes, some people do get back together after one of them has 'had their space' but it has to be genuine space - not someone hanging on the the other end of the rope waiting to hear - and even then it very rarely works out.

You need to genuinely 'let go'... if one day he comes back to you, you can re-consider, but for now, sorry to say - this is over :(

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 18:06

@ chippingin .... that's what hurts so much - and is making it so hard to move on - the claim that he loves me (even texted me to tell me that two weeks ago - though added that he hadn't told me it that often lately) .... I know what you say is right - and I'm old enough to know better quite honestly though certainly won't lay claim to any wisdom.

God it hurts - and am trying so hard to let go - if anyone knows a way I can get my head and hurt to be in agreement, I would be so happy to hear of it!

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/05/2012 18:34

Time is the thing that eventually really sorts it out, in the short term all you can do it try to keep busy, plan things with the kids & friends and try to treat yourself in anyway you can - nice cool bath with a glass of wine when the kids go to bed, watching crap TV that you know he'd hate, calling up a friend for a long chat... and really, have a word with yourself - you absolutely have to stop waiting for the phone to go.

nkf · 27/05/2012 18:42

I would have absolutely no truck with waiting for someone to decide if they wanted to be with me. I would have no time for loves me but doesn't know how he feels. Leave him to it would be my advice.

Original poster

mzdemeanour · 27/05/2012 18:48

@ chippingin - honestly I'm not - I know it sounds like I might be but like I said, I know he isn't - the reasons really aren't that important I suppose. However, while I've said I know he won't, there is a tiny part of me which I think is still hoping (against all evidence) that he will at some point come back .... And believe me, words have been had, some of them very harsh ....

And there's a part of me that fears the future without him ... without anyone to be honest - but particularly him. It's not that I can't do life on my own, I have ... but if I'm honest, I prefer life with a partner (and no, not a live-in - I'm not actually sure I want that again ...). A big childish part of me says if it's not him, it won't be anyone - firstly because I won't find anyone like him (and I know and love him) and secondly because I won't find anyone at all as I'm now at the age at which women seem to become invisible ....

OP posts:

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