He's not going to call, is he?

[mzdemeanour]

Long story - posted on here when it happened. Basically, we have been in contact a few times and met up once (when we seemed to have got back together/decided to take things one day at a time).

He says he loves me/misses me/is sad, miserable without me .... but is confused about how he feels/is scared of hurting me (again/more), feels any future would involve him uprooting me and the kids as he doesn't want to live in a city (although I've explained that I - and the kids - are not worried about a move which wouldn't in any way happen until the kids change school anyway). He is worried he will screw up another step-family relationship, still hasn't sorted out divorce/marital home and feels like a fraud in that he thinks he is a worse person than I of course think he is.

We spoke for an hour last Monday - the call ended with him asking for time to try and sort his head/try to resolve his confusion. I said I was okay with him taking time but that I need him to contact me at some point to let me know what he's decided. I also asked him to think about counselling and to try to write down his feelings/thoughts and see if that helped him reach a decision.

I am trying very hard to not contact him .... and cycling through despair that he won't ever contact me again ... to hope that during our call I told him that if he wanted me to never speak to him again he just had to say that and he didn't.

I'm clutching at straws and drowning. I have honestly never felt this bad at the end of a relationship. How do I give up hope without feeling that I'm giving up on happiness? And how do I stop crying and start living again?

I don't think he wants to be with you.

Sorry if that sounds a little blunt.

mzdemeanour

If you look at the way you reply to people's thoughts your defending him. You're saying "I don't think it's this" etc. I really think you need to stop thinking. Maybe some people do get back together, but it's mostly just a cowards way of telling somebody you're no longer interested.

mzdemeanour your story is very familiar to me (though the circumstances slightly different). I heard all the words you're hearing and I felt all the feelings you're feeling. That was 18 months ago.

I wish I could tell you that all the pain has gone but it hasn't. It has faded considerably though and after dwelling and hoping and hanging on for every 'hello' text and birthday/Christmas contact opportunity I finally turned a corner a few months ago and suddenly had a moment of clarity and perspective.

I've started dating again (difficult as that is with DS who's with me full time) and that definitely helps. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think (and dream) about him often and wonder what could have been....but it's not a cliche....it does get easier with time.

If I was where you are now I would take my future out of his hands. I wouldn't give him indefinite time to 'find himself' otherwise you're always going to be waiting and wondering if/when he's going to come back...that alone is soul-destroying. I would contact him and tell him that (having given the situation more thought) YOU need space and time and that YOU don't want him to contact you until you contact him. You will immediately feel empowered.

You can then wait one/two/six months to see if you still feel the same about him. He will then be the one who will have been waiting and wondering what you're going to decide. You may well find that your feelings fade. But either way you'll have some time (on your terms) to get perspective. And if when you do decide to contact him you both feel the same, then who knows.

Good luck!

Don't take this the wrong way - but go out and buy yourself the book - "He's just not that into you"... it is brilliant. Written by a man it explains why if he loved you he would be ringing you and wanting to be with you. If you read it you remember it you will never put up with this sort of stuff again. It deals with what he says and what he actually means...

?Don?t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anythingrelated to his feelings for you?
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

@fooso - thanks, will try and buy/borrow the book ...

I had a man who needed space and time and broke my heart. Four months went by and I'd not contacted him as I felt it was the only way to move on...."cold turkey". We'd faffed about for 5 years being very very happy but, neither making a commitment to our long distance relationship.

I'm now married to that man and happier than I have ever been in my entire adult life. He was worth the wait. But, whilst he had his doubts about my relocating with my child to be with him he never said "come and be with me" til he was very sure it was what he wanted.

I tease him mercilessly about how he "almost lost me" and at least now, I know we, both of us, we're really SURE before we married.

Part of wants to say don't close the door on this. Go about your life. Enjoy your kids. He may reappear when he finds he misses you terribly. He's not going to tell you to "fuck off" because he's probably a good man and genuinely not absolutely sure he can commit to you. Yet.

@ Eliza22 - thanks - I do honestly feel that he is a good man - conflicted, confused and probably not mine ... but maybe time will tell. After all, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar .... but I need to reach some peace and move on even if it is temporarily.

And although I have doubts in my case (though have been up/down and round the houses in that respect) ... I am very glad to hear that sometimes it does work out

. Just go about your life. Who knows, you may just be moving forward and he reappears. The point is, he's not there yet. He may never be so, you cannot put your life on hold.

Good luck.

Am trying very hard to get on with my life - despite panic attacks like you wouldn't believe - and in any case, you don't really have any choice when you have kids, do you?

So did he just contact you out of the blue after four months? Had you thought he would or had you given up on him?

Oh Mzd, I remember you from the dating threads and remember you getting together and I'm so sorry that it hasn't worked , but it does sound as though this is the end.
I hate to say it but some people are really rubbish at properly finishing relationships. This sounds like a slightly cowardly way of finishing it, without actually saying the words IYSWIM.
Also, it is entirely likely that he does still love you, but if the situation is such that he can't continue the relationship, or that he can't cope with certain aspects of the relationship (ie how you parent your children) then love is not enough.
For what it is worth, I agree with how you parent your twins, I have always said that I would far rather my kids misbehaved at home and were lovely when out!
Anyway, I know that it is cliched, but time will help, maybe we should try to get the old gang back together, if that support would help? Un- Mumsnetty hugs winging your way x

I second getting "he's just not that into you". It's written by one of the writers of Sex and the City, so it's quite American, but it makes an awful lot of sense.

Hi InfiniteFairylights - I'm sorry too - and trying not to clutch at straws though the old adage that it ain't over till the fat lady sings keeps running through my head - mind you, she's clearing her bloody throat!

And getting the old gang together sounds like a great idea and well overdue to be honest ...

Not seen you on the dating thread so hoping things are working out for you anyway ....

OP, I've been where you are now and I really recognize myself in your posts. Don't want to post and run, but I have a copy He's Just Not That Into You, just a freebie version that originally came with a magazine or something. I'd be more than happy to post it to you if you'd like it, gratis. Just PM me if you'd like it.

And yes, time. Time is the only thing that makes it hurt less, and it's on a sliding scale. You won't wake up and be magically healed from the pain one morning, but you will claw yourself slowly towards feeling better, and it will feel hard won, and you'll feel stronger and better for it. I know it's hard :(

I've gone the other way and I'm embracing singledom! I will try to get back on the horse (so to speak!) at some point, but DD is just 5 and has a tendency to creep into my bed so dating really isn't do-able at the moment. I would be happy to come back and watch from the sidelines, but I feel like an imposter being on a dating thread, while not dating!

Sorry you feel this way. It will pass. you will be happy.

WITH SOMEONE NICER.
and/or

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/tag/emotionally-unavailable-men/
Pretty good no nonsense relationship advice.

Just wanted to say thanks for all advice and support ....

In the end he did call, well emailed anyway - then dithered - then told me about how his dream was for us to all be together ... but that how much that terrified him at the same time ....

Anyway, we went away for the weekend, had a wonderful time ... and are giving it a go. Hopefully it will work out, if not at least we'll have tried.

Sometimes, not always I accept, a cigar is just a cigar ... and a plea for time/thinking space is just that ....

mzdemeanour I've been following this thread as I'm in a similar position.

So glad he got in touch and you are giving it a go. Good luck!