So worried I'll never find anyone :-(

[SatinSheets]

I'm 31 years old. I am lucky and have a good life. I have full health, a decent career, 2 great kids, friends and hobbies. I go on holiday almost every year, I drive and rent a great little house. Really I have nothing to complain about.

But god I just wish I could find someone to share life with. In this hot weather all my friends have been at the beer gardens with their partners. My kids have been out with their friends - I so wish I had someone to call up and say "lets take a drive to the ___ " or even better - have someone call ME to ask the same.

I got some brochures yesterday for the USA. Amazing coach trips, blatently designed with couples in mind. I'm so worried I'll never find anyone. I never seem to get the opportunity.

When I go out with friends I either don't get any attention at all or I get chatted up by guys that are too drunk to care who they're talking to.
My work place is female dominated. My hobby is female dominated. I even did a male dominated hobby for a while (karate - and because I was interested in it, not to find a bloke!) and everyone there was either married or young enough to be my son.

As I say, I AM happy. But there is no denying there is that gap in my life and I'm finding it harder and harder to ignore.

I feel exactly the same but am quite a bit older than you.

How much free time do you have? Does your ex have the children overnight?

It isn't easy is it :(

Would you consider any of the dating sites or agencies? Singles travel? Singles groups - not dating groups, just groups of people who enjoy going out but don't have others to go out with?

You are so young love, you are not a write off yet!

if you want to find people to go out with, then do try the internet thing, or the singles meet up groups, it will happen. Think about it, statistically you are not even close to being middle aged, the odds are stacked in your favour, just the time has not arrived yet.

Jeez - I'm 45!! And feeling the same way. I bet you're not still single at 45! Kids will be older, you'll be able to go out independently of them etc., you may have a different job, different hobbies. Whereas I - just as my youngest has reached teendom - now have my 3yo DGS to raise ...... I'll be nearly 60 by the time he's through school ... weeps for lost youth

The chances of meeting the RIGHT guy depends not on age but where you live work etc If you live in a small place you can Internet date all you like but your choice will be limited.

Do you come across as having a downer on men?
Dont want to say anything inappropriate,but also,men have to be initially attracted to you in some way,even if it is a smile or bit of a flirtatious look or glance.

I feel exactly the same. I have been single for nearly 4 years, have just turned 40. I've tried dating sites without success. I went to a singles evening last night which was dire (spent most of the evening stood on my own).

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice other than to say it is crap, and I understand. The thought of another 30 or 40 years on my own almost gives me a panic attack. And yes everyone says 'oh, of COURSE you'll meet someone in that time'. But there again, 3 years ago I was being told I'd be snapped up. Last year, people bet me I wouldn't still be single by 40. And yet here I am...

Time to start actively doing something about it?

Im only 24 and ive thought this for a while. I am also happy enouh but id like more company at times. Most of my friends are in relationships/live toether/are married and so on.
I do see my friends often enough considering we all work but i dont know id like someone around more than that.

2 things to say.
On the negative side, I think I am right in saying that there is at least 1 poster on here who is of the "leave the ....... brigade.
On the positive side, there are several threads on here about trying to find a man.You could try using the search for that,and there was definitely one about two weeks ago about internet dating,if people want to know about that.

Are all your friends childless? The 30something couples with DCs I know aren't having much fun in this sun- keeping cranky hot DCs contented in the heat without being able to have a drink. Maybe you have 'grass is greener' syndrome?

Being part of a couple isn't all fun. Read the threads on here- the lonely wives who have husbands working 90 hour weeks/shifts/ long commutes/ weekends away. You have freedom over your time the way they dont.

As for holidays- there are loads for singles and single parents.

I can relate wholeheartedly. I am much older, with a serious illness (lymphoma) and an angry teenage daughter. Things are awful between myself and ex partner. Problem is that I don't want to date, I have no confidence or self-esteem.

That said, I am just about to join a walking group and I have forced myself to join other things - not to find a relationship, but to find good people in the world, to balance all the hurt and hate I feel.

I have had three serious loves of my life and I wasn't looking for anyone when i fell over each one. I was happy, independent and had a lot to give. It is tricky and I know that not all couples are happy...but I am so sad when I see couples in the supermarket, someone holding hands or hear stories of lovely husbands. It really hurts.

I think the answer is finding joy in yourself...finding the strength to be fuflilled in your own skin. Sadly, I have accepted that I will not be with someone again now. I have a lot of male friends but I could never trust someone.

Like all of us though, I would like to be happy.

Yes, I think sunshine does accentuate a lonely life....everyone does seem busy, active and even people in parks seem to be families or pairs.

It's tough but I send my support and hope. Better times are so close, for all of us in this situation.....

Feeling sad for you Punkatheart.Have you started your own thread on MN.
You sound like you have several issues and helpful insights ,that others may be able to help you with,or relate to.

Hi, I've name changed (again) but just wanted to say that Punk has come a long, long way, even though she doesn't think she will be with anyone again, she is starting to make an independant life for herself and that is the first step, a very important first step.

I too have come a long way. I didn't think that I would be with anyone ever again and spent 8 years on my own following a very painful break up. A while ago, I decided that I would get back in the saddle as it were. I've dated a number of men over the last eighteen months, mostly from dating websites but I always wanted to meet someone through normal means as most of us do. Went to a charity do a few weeks ago and had an eyes across the room moment. Apart from the fact he is perfect (for me), the situation is not perfect. He suffers from depression, has had a pretty raw deal in his life but he is an absolute sweetie. He doesn't have a job at present as he has been unwell and I am keeping him at a respectful distance until I know him better but we've spent a few weeks getting to know each other; he sends me the most wonderful, eloquent emails and he is saying all the right thngs and when we have been together, he has told me everything about his life which has been difficult for him.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that you just never know. The advice I can give is that you must take time to get over a lost love, put yourself back on an even keel, make an independant and happy life for yourself and you just don't know what and who is round the corner. But if you make a life you love, then it almost doesn't matter.

XX

lovely post.

That's beautiful, dating. I truly do hope that something lovely grows for you.

I met my now DH no.2 outside in our street where we both lived when we were both ripe old age of 47. I too felt like you but with the added 'handicap' of being a lot older than you ! Just walked out on the street and there he was - so we exchanged small talk about a car parked in the street - and within about two days we were seeing each other,living together a year later and married two years after that.

He loves telling people how we met - he tells them he took me in off the street.

I am sure when you're least expecting it - it will happen.

I'm in exactly the same position. Feel like I've missed the boat (am 40, never married) and wonder how I ended up here. Most of my friends have moved all over the world really, so now I often have no one to call to go and have a drink with. I have skype drinks with friends. Feel like a loser, hate the weekends.

So it's so good to hear your stories about meeting someone someday, and the need to get yourself happy and on an even keel first. It IS possible! (isn't it?!)

God I feel so young to be agreeing but honestly I've just never had that full in love thing opr even more than casual shagging if I'm really honest. I just seem to attract twats or not be in the right place or the timings wrong. Maybe guys mature a bit after 23 ish ?

I feel exactly the same
And I am 7 years older than you. I love how your post started with all the positives, it's good that you are aware of and appreciate them.
It must be the sun, I'm not hormonal this week, but I do feel so lonely this weekend, seeing couples walk happily in the sun, hand in hand, families playing together on the beach, sharing the joy of the kids. I know I have a lot of positive things in my life, my kids being the 3 main important ones, but I feel so sad this weekend that I don't have anyone to share them with, and never will. No-one else will gaze on my children with the adoring eyes I do, they won't share a look with me when the kids do something only a parent could think is cute. I'm so sad for the loss of my family unit, I never wanted to be a single mum. I do something with the kids every weekend, we get out all over the place, but it's just me and them, and one day they will be gone.
Sometimes I think I'm hiding behind them, using them as an excuse for not getting out and having a social life of my own. What will I do when they have flown the nest?
I've lost contact with my "smug married" friends as I feel I would be an intrusion on THEIR family time.
Oh I feel so shit now, I think I'll have some and watch to see if any advice for you can be stolen by me! :)

you are all still young. Enjoy every minute of the anticipation that comes with your freedom and continue to believe (in yourself)

GymBunny74I dont know how old your kids are,but im guessing they arent flying the nest yet,so I wouldnt worry about that just yet.
I can only really talk about myself,but I liked my non married friends to still be around.It sounds like you have stayed away from them,but it is possible that they didnt want that,and would like to reconnect.I would be tempted to give it a try.
oiwheresthecoffee,I think you are right about guys maturing after 23ish,a generalisation I know.

After my partner left 13 years ago when our daughter was 5 weeks old I was absolutely heartbroken. I was 24 and felt very alienated and lonely as none of my friends had a care in the world and were still in the going out all night phase not chatting about weaning phase!

I dated different guys I'd meet when out in pub/ bars for the 8 years I was single and eventually gave Internet dating a go..... On the premise that as a single mum it's perfect because you can flirt via email while sitting in your pjs while kids asleep upstairs! I met someone on Guardian Soulmates and have just had twins. We are happy ...... Sometimes he drives me mad ..... But happy.

I was quite despairing for most of those 8 years I was single. I remember saying to a friend that it felt more realistic to imagine travelling to the moon as finding someone to introduce my daughter to, someone who could become part of our lives.

But in the year before I met him, I realised that I didn't want my life to be about meeting someone and that as tough as all the weddings sitting at the "singles table" was or the maddening 2nd question (after how are you) from EVERY friend, ALWAYS "so have you met anyone yet"..... That I had to make the decision to make my life about me, as I am -however that is- and not about how other people are or what they thought I should be or even what I wanted. I realised that I needed to be OK as I was, before having a healthy relationship, I didn't want to NEED someone.

So I listened to myself and stopped trawling round thinking any opportunity might lead to meeting someone... I took control and did the online thing and it sort of fulfilled in a small way my desire for flattery/flirting etc..... While pursuing my own life.

I never stopped desiring a relationship but I stopped needing one. That led me to make different decisions that ultimately put me in a place to have a more successful relationship.

I know it's tough when you think everyone else is so happy but do remember that it's not always what it seems. Sure, lots of people are happy together but I firmly believe that you are closer to happiness by being single and having a positive, healthy life than many people in relationships.

Good luck x

good post Twin. I think that there are probably (sadly) a significant number of couples who are unhappy in their relationships/marriages with not much pleasure to look forward to....you have everything to look forward to

Last night I was feeling so very low....I messaged a friend of mine in America. I have known him for a very long time...he is a fellow writer. I have always admired his intellect, his straight talking, but also - underneath a sometimes sardonic exterior - he is very very caring. We have messaged back and forth and now he would like to Skype with me. I can't do it at the moment because the radiotherapy I had was on my face, so I need time to heal. I don't delude myself for one moment that there would ever be a romantic element - he is younger, very handsome, very sporty. But his words of support and understanding have been so very valuable. I could love him as a friend and I think he has always cared for me as a friend too.

So take comfort from different sources.....there are some good men out there. They may not end up as lovers/husbands, but they should balance up the shocking ones who behave so badly.