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Original poster

Betrayed by Husband - mobile relationship with Other Woman

29 replies

HectorBrocklebank · 26/05/2012 21:43

Name changed as previous posts have mentioned what a wonderful husband I had.
So last night I looked at his mobile as he was sleeping off a work's day out. It was slipping out of pocket, I knew the passcode and saw a txt. Opened it assuming it would be a quick msg from a colleague on day out and was stunned to discover a number of txts backwards and forwards with a woman saying she wished he was with her and loved him. Lots of kisses too from both of them. While he was waiting for me to pick him up he also sent her a txt asking if okay to call her - but she hadn't received until later.

I took the mobile out the room - long story short discovered also that he had a secret email address to which she had sent extremely explicit photos of herself close up. He kept all of them since being sent in Feb.

I am devastated. This is a man who I would have gambled my life on would not do this. He said it was someone he met in a city (far away) 6 months ago, she gave him her number and he got in touch. Says he found it easy to talk to her and that he's had no one to talk to since his mother died 3 years ago! Said he was calling her every 2 to 3 days. All her details are now deleted (I checked but that's not to say he knows them anyway)

The way I see it was not polite chit chat as she sent the pics and he kept them. Said he told her not to send anymore -but more were sent this week with the caption "to keep you going when you're away".

Now that he's been found out he is ever so sorry and can't believe he was so stupid.
Says he will move out as that's what I've said I want.

But I'm so hurt. I want to hurt him so he knows what it feels like. Have told one person in RL and she is very supportive.
We have one child together - 2 years old - and have been together for 6 years and both have children from previous marriages - which has been a strain at times but I never ever thought it would come to this.
Messages of support would be appreciated

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 26/05/2012 21:47

Sorry you have found this out - you must be very hurt - but it may also be a relief if you felt that things were wrong (I am guessing you did and that's why you looked at his phone).
You are so much better than this, and him.
Kick him out and get someone you deserve.

midwife99 · 26/05/2012 21:49

Oh love. I'm so sorry - there's nothing I can say to make it better but I wish there was. I would be reluctant to believe anything he says such as that they haven't has sex etc. Her photos "to keep him going while he's away" prove that. Sad

tallwivglasses · 26/05/2012 21:55

How awful for you. You're doing the right thing by telling him to leave. Take your time and don't make any rash decisions.

squeakytoy · 26/05/2012 22:03

I am really sorry. :(

I agree with midwife though sadly, it is unlikely to just be a relationship over the phone, and he is still lying to you.

MrsWorrier · 27/05/2012 10:03

Big hugs to you. I've just seperated from my husband of 16 years and like you I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and would've gambled my life on him not doing anything bad. But he did (read my post 'On my own after 16 years). I'm 9 weeks down the line and things are getting a TINY bit better, and to be honest it's been reading all the chat on Mumsnet that helps me realise that TIME is the only thing that will get me (and you!) through. I know it doesn't seem like it when you feel like shit, but hang on in there!! Good luck to you - you are worth more than this. And they are always sorry when they get found out...xxxx

Bucharest · 27/05/2012 13:04

Sorry for you.

But don't believe for a nanosecond there has been no sex, or that it's over, or that he won't continue this.

He's said he will move out. Good, let him go. Then do your howling at the moon, either in real life or on here, and get yourself some legal advice about the child you have together.

lazilou · 27/05/2012 13:22

rubbish about there must have been sex

in my experience, some people just get a thrill from knowing they have someone to talk dirty to

they may have met but i would use my judgement. if she lives a long way away and he doesnt travel regularly, more than likely just phone/email

something2say · 27/05/2012 13:23

For me, its the fact that he can live that double life and look you in the eye while he is doing it.

Not a basis for a relationship.

Very sorry to hear the news on such a lovely day. Here you go then with the great split up and the resulting life after that. But it gets better. As someone said, it is time that will do it. Hugs x

Abitwobblynow · 27/05/2012 14:42

He's still lying.

How many women do you know, that send pictures of their twats and 'I love you' - to people they have never met? There has to be a bond for stuff to happen like 'I love you'. (Some of my more out there friends would send pics, but not 'I love you' to people they have no connection to).

So sorry for your pain. It is absolutely desperate to find out you don't know someone as well as you thought you did. But you can't if they don't tell you.

Putthatbookdown · 27/05/2012 14:47

Does the other woman know he is with you? How far away is she?

Proudnscary · 27/05/2012 17:31

What a terrible shock, I'm so sorry.

I do not believe for one second he has told you the half of it. Remember you caught him out. If you hadn't caught him he'd be continuing this affair.

I have never heard of a man who confessed the whole truth when busted. He's admitted the bits that you already know and no more.

stargazy · 27/05/2012 19:57

You need to know the WHOLE truth ASAP about this relationship.Only then can you even begin to sort out wether you want to stay in your marriage or be on your own.But don't make any big decisions now, it is far too early and you are in shock.My heart goes out to you.Have been there.No explicit photos but lots of texting becoming sexting between my DH and work colleague.
Your DH needs to understand, and want to come clean about true extent of his behaviour and be prepared for the long haul to win you and your trust back if that is what he wants.But my guess is he has been in this affair 'bubble' for some time and lost track of reality and detached from you.Hopefully the shock of discovery will bring him up sharp and he will man up and do all he can to repair the enormous hurt and damage he has caused.
It's too early for you to comprehend this but it may help to know 2 years on my DH and I are together and happy, but it's been hard, hard road to forgiveness and recovery and my heart can still ache when I think about 'it' (not as often now thankfully)
You must do whatever you feel best and he must understand this.Thinking of you x

bogeyface · 27/05/2012 23:08

I have to disagree that he must be having sex with her.

My H had a sexting affair, and has said over and over that he didnt have sex with her. He got really mad and upset when I yelled that I wasnt the one who fucked someone else and he cried and yelled back that he hadnt had sex with her. I do believe him. I saw all the texts (he had a secret phone and saved them, presumably to wank over later Hmm )and the times etc and there is no way that he could have met her. I know this as fact despite being called deslusional by certain MNers!

That said, it has still ended my marriage. A betrayal is a betrayal and tbh, his attitude that it wasnt as bad as a "proper" affair means that he doesnt really understand the damage it did. :(

AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 23:15

explicit pics to "keep you going while you are away"

to me, that implies physical sexual contact between them

who would say that if they hadn't met and shared those visuals in the flesh ?

sorry, OP

you are doing the right thing to tell him to go

the trouble is, I have a feeling you are going to cave in to his whiny-arse "I only love you" chat

bogeyface · 27/05/2012 23:25

I am not saying that he didnt, but that no one should assume that he has. It is possible that he didnt and kept it as a sexting/phone sex affair.

As I said, in my case it was, if anything, more destructive because in his mind it wasnt a proper affair. So actually, it might be worse if he hasnt :(

AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 23:28

I get that, bogeyface

if my DH was going to throw such a nuclear bomb into my life, I guess I would prefer that it was worth it

can there be many more damaging phrases than "it meant nothing" ?

FashionEaster · 27/05/2012 23:34

What a terrible shock. And don't be embarrassed about praising the man you respected and admired. But he has now shaken the foundations of your marriage and that must be so hard.

solidgoldbrass · 27/05/2012 23:38

Sometimes sexy texts and pictures don't mean that any physical sex has occured, because sometimes the 'OW' doesn't actually exist: he could have been using a sex chat service. The 'women' who send the texts and pics are fictitious, with the pics being bought-in photosets and the texts being sent by a variety of paid operators, some of whom may not actually be women.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/05/2012 07:22

I agree the affair is physical as well as emotional (mainly because of the keep you going comment) - cheaters very rarely tell the whole truth when caught. There is usually a lot of denial and minimising - it was only once/twice etc.

You are in shock - your husband is not the man you thought he was and you will need a lot of time and space to process your thoughts and feelings.

This means asking him to give you space. He needs to work on himself to find out what made him think it was ok to have this affair instead of resolving issues by talking to you.

None of this is your fault - he made those choices.

I would recommend getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Original poster
HectorBrocklebank · 28/05/2012 08:03

Everyone thanks for your comments.

Been crap weekend - little sleep and lots of tissues.

He has told me he met her only once when down in London with work and that's when she gave him her number. And I know he has never been there since and I know she does live there as I've looked her up on facebook.

So unless he shagged her the first night (possible) he hasn't seen her since. I so want to believe him that it was some other person to talk to and she kept trying to take it further but he would pull it back.

But ultimately he gave her the email address and it wasn't his usual email so be must have known she was going to send - and then kept them.

Says he feels like it was a 'bubble' and escapism and had never thought about any repercussions.

I've said that it would have carried on and has only stopped coz I found out. And that next time he was due to go to London he would have told her and no doubt arrange to meet etc etc.

Lots of tears from him about how sorry he is and how terrible to see me so hurt. Knows he needs to leave and looking for somewhere (but haven't seen any evidence of this). Knows that I will need to find a job (haven't worked for couple of years since pregnant), will need to sell the house but doesn't want that and wants my life to be as easy as possible as none of it was my fault. So he wants me to have the same life with him paying for everything but accepts (?!) he won't be here.

Think I'm starting to ramble.

Thanks everyone for your good wishes. Going to be a new me from now on and be the best person I can - lose the 3 stone that I hate and show him what he's lost!!

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 28/05/2012 08:16

Sorry you are going through this Hector

However be prepared for him to renege on paying for everything when he has to pay his own bed and board somewhere else though

Why are men such stupid arses??? AngryAngry

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 09:09

Of course he is saying all those unrealistic things

There is no way you would have the same life but simply without him in it, sorry that would not ever be possible (although, IMO, it would be better without a cheating, lying pilloc in it but that's just me, I would accept the drop in living standards)

he is promising you The Earth because he is still quite, quite sure this hic-cup will just blow over, you will have a little tantrum and then it will be business as usual for him, and you will STFU

I second the Shirley Glass book...your husband's behaviour is in there. He should read it also, and act on the suggestions within it

one of the first recommendations is that the cheater come completely clean

so, a big obstacle for you there because it is quite clear he is not telling the truth about what happened (to me), so I am not quite sure how you could move forward unless you brush his infidelity under the carpet (not to be recommended if you don't want him to do it again)

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 09:11

I think if you will find that it later comes out there was more than one meeting

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 09:11

take out that if

Original poster
HectorBrocklebank · 28/05/2012 10:36

AF - read millions of yr posts in the past and pretty much thought you've been spot on.

Going on Amazon to buy that book and then brushing up CV

OP posts: