DH walked out and we are dealing with his midlife crisis

[DodoBird]

Long time lurker but never thought I'd have to post but recently things have been so bad I just have too. Dh announced in Feb he was deeply unhappy at home with me and DC. We had just been through rough few months with DD1 being expelled from school and having to deal all her horrible teenage behaviour which made us miserable and the hassle of moving schools etc. DH announced in March he had enough and was miserable so it was either sucidande or move out to his own place. DH and I have had a
good relationship until now except for the fact he is not great with the DCs and we have always rowed about my weight and appearance constantly. He thinks I have 'let myself go'
I think there are far more important things in a marriage than clothing size.
So he left citing stress of stroppy teenager (which is somehow my fault), lack of sex, fat wife and general shit associated with being a parent and
living in house that needs lots of work. Initially I thought there might be OW but there is definitely not. It seems like he has had some sort of mental breakdown as it is like dealing with a different person. He comes back to our house almost daily to see DCs and seems like he has no idea of the shit he has caused me and the kids. I am utterly devasted and the kids are too as at what he has done. Initially he moved out as a temporary thing but now he says he can't imagine moving back to all the stress of family life.

So sorry to hear this. Hope letting it all out has helped. Sounds as if it might be easier to manage without him to be honest.

It had been easier without him tbh but kids really miss having him around and I would like to try counselling but he says it's over. ironically the stress of all this has resulted in me being back at wedding day weight but he says it's too late for that. I think he feels very guilty about his actions but not enough to come back to us. We have not talked divorce etc as this has happened so suddenly.

So he is a rubbish father, and makes you feel crap about the way you look?

Sounds like he has done you a favour by going!

Sounds like you and the kids are way better off without him. What exactly did you get from him apart from being put down and left to deal with the stress of a family all by yourself? Honestly, even if he wanted to come back I would advise you to tell him to get lost, I can't believe the sheer selfishness of the man. It sounds like this is the real him and not a mental breakdown, he wasn't exactly father of the year and a loving caring husband beforehand was he?

The best thing you can do now is be strong for kids but most of all for yourself, go out, have some freedom and find yourself a real man who will love and cherish you in the way you deserve.

You'll be suprised how quickly kids get over not having dad around, especially one that wasn't so great in the first place. If he's anything like my ex he'll actually be better as a part time dad, it is hard when they leave at first but it will all work out and you'll see it as the blessing it is in the very near future.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve so much more.

The comments about your wieght are awful. He's an abusive twat. Good riddance. You must feel bad though op. He's put you down for long enough. Get some tlc from friends, family and mumsnet.

Thanks for your replies, it has been a very difficult few months and I go from being upset and sad at what he has done to me and the DCs to being a bit relieved that I don't have to deal with his moods and silences. He moves out to get away from his family but he comes over everyday which is weird and very confusing. I can see he is trying to be a better Dad but I think that is the guilt rather than being genuinely interested in them. Most of his anger seems directed at me and he has yet to make any comment on my massive weight loss even when others pay me a compliment. The weight loss haspeedily helped my confidence and I feel like 'me' again and it's the one good thing to have come out if this. My friends all think he is having a breakdown as some of his recent behaviour and my brother and sister think he is a selfish twat who has torn up his family for his own indulgence. When he first left I cried for weeks and hated myself for driving him away, it is a bit easier now but I don't know what to do next. Divorce seems so final and sudden and I am not ready to even think that far ahead particulary when he is clearly not thinking straight but I am worried about finances in case he turns nasty. Right now he is paying alll the bills and his salary is still paid into joint account etc. My Sister has suggested we make our separation formal to protect myself and I know it makes sense in my head but in my heart it feels likenthe beginning of the end.

So he comes back to dip into the parts of family life that he enjoys - but wants to leave all the crap to you?

Sod that

It probably is the end, sorry. The relationship has run its course and, whilst it's a horrible thing to contemplate, a divorce might at least give you chance to make a clean break and still find some happiness in your life. I don't buy 'breakdown' btw, and all a mid-life crisis constitutes is answering the question 'I've only got another 40 years on the planet... is this how I want to spend it?' with a big 'no'. For whatever reason, real or imaginary, he's had enough and he's left. Your friends and family are simply trying to soften the blow.

I sympathise because I expect he's been mulling this over for many months before acting whereas you've had just a few weeks to get used to the idea. Keep yourself busy, develop areas of your life that maybe you couldn't explore when he was around. And, if him popping round all the time isn't what you want, ask him to stay away. Good luck

DH and I have had a good relationship until now except for the fact he is not great with the DCs and we have always rowed about my weight and appearance constantly.

This is not a good relationship.

I see nothing in your posts to explain why you think he is 'not thinking straight' or 'having a breakdown' compared to just being a shit. Your life sounds better since he left and your sister is quite right. At the moment you are in a no-mans-land where you're not together and not separated. You're dependent on his goodwill to keep paying his funds into a joint account and he could stop that at any moment. He's actually saying he doesn't want the stress of family life. And he threatened suicide to ensure he could get away with you guilt tripping him about walking out in the middle of a crisis.

Is he remotely concerned that his DD1 might blame herself forever for the fact her behaviour 'caused' him to abandon his family? (I'm not remotely suggesting it is at all her fault, but it would be very easy for her to draw this conclusion if she's not reassured by him that it is not the case).

So sorry that you're having to deal with this, dodo

It's no wonder you're so sad though, as he's got everything on his terms, and you are left to deal with everything - all the stress, all the domestic work and all the parenting.

You need to realise that you hold the cards here, really.

HE has decided to move out, so YOU decide when he can visit. Swanning in when he feels like it to assuage his guilt at dumping his wife and children is not an option you can allow him to carry on taking.

HE. IS. TAKING. THE. PISS.

I suggest you formalise the situation and suggest his time with his children is spent away from YOUR home.

Of course he should see his children regularly, but there is no reason that this should happen to your detriment. When do you get a break?

If he won't entertain the idea of counselling (and if he is holding the threat of finances over your head) then perhaps it is time to make a decision re the future of your relationship?

You cannot continue to allow him to take the fun bits and dump the crap on you.

Perhaps he is depressed, but you cannot force him to seek help, and he cannot be permitted to drag his family down with him.

There is nothing to say that a reconcilliation can't occur at a later date, but he needs to sort himself out, and you need to prtoect yourself and your children in the meantime.

You sound better off without him. Divorce him so that you can get on with your life.

Either suicide or get his own place ?

I agree with cogito about MLC too

Luckily for your DC then you arent going to slope off because parenting is tough, your house needs work or you used to be a size 20

Sorry but he sounds like a real prick and I expect a few weeks/months down the line when you begin to unravel the time you have spent together and analyse things in the cold light of day you will be relieved to be out of it

I wouldnt worry about divorce at this stage but go to a solicitor and establish whats what and yes maybe a separation agreement to formalise finances or if you have the stomach for it go for the divorce now.

Know that however horrendously painful it is now you will get through it and from what you have posted be far far happier

Dodo, does he have dead shark eyes when you look at him? Does it sound like him, walk like him, talk like him but it isn't him?

Does he say the marriage is over - but make no move to end it?
Does he say its all hopeless and there is no use working on anything?
Does he say its all YOUR fault? but still comes around?
Do you work on the complaints but he says it is too little, too late?

He is having a mid life crisis. He is very deeply depressed.

When people get constantly stressed, their brains use up the 'brain engine oil' faster than they can manufacture it (serotonin). The level goes down over time, and it is the lack of THIS neurochemical that starts the crazy thoughts.

You have to get the brain chemicals right before you start the counselling.

This is an absolutely horrible time. Depressed people are very hard to live with. If you can somehow get him to a GP and firmly tell the GP he is depressed (he will deny it) after about 6 weeks his catastrophic thoughts will fade and he will feel less overwhelmed.

Interestingly, what was he like as a father? Too soft? Too disinterested?

"he has yet to make any comment on my massive weight loss even when others pay me a compliment."

You do understand now that the constant accusations of 'letting yourself go' were simply a bullying tactic? He picked on weight because you're sensitive about it but, now that is no longer an issue, he can't use it against you and therefore doesn't mention it. All his other 'problems' with the marriage are equally likely to have been excuses. His reasons for leaving, therefore, cannot be blamed on anything you or the rest of the family have done or not done. His decision is his responsibility alone.

I am so sorry Dodo and I understand exactly how you feel. I have had cancer for over a decade - a disfiguring form of cancer which affects my skin. Now under control with chemo drugs. My ex OH (nearly a year gone now) has told me bluntly 'You've changed.' We too had some teenage problems, house that needed work. stress blah blah blah....sometimes it is the cowardly way to walk away.

I am so sorry that he has attacked your confidence in this way...you must be so hurt. He seems to be oblivious to the pain he is causing.

Keep posting. I know it feels impossible....he has lost more than you have...

Reading your replies have made me realise so many of his actions and words are just plain wrong and whilst I have spent the last few months going over my failings I realise this is his problem. Abitwobbly, yes he is definitely depressed and does all the things you said and a lot more. He refuses to acknowledge this or see a doctor so I can't help him with this. Cognito it sounds llike you know my H as you have hit the nail on the head. Before he left I hit my heaviest probably size 16/18 which was due to stress of dealing with DD1, he likes me at size 10 and knew that I have always been sensitive about my weight. Now I have my confidence back despite his walking out he almost resents it. DD1 has taken the split badly but she has reined in the behaviour and has been much better. I think she does feel she has a part in it but she is bright enough to see he dad is totally out of order recently and has said he is a coward for leaving when things got tough. He is trying a lot more with her but I think he has lost her respect. He is also trying with other DCs but on his terms and if they start fighting (as kids do) he can't handle it. He loves the kids but is not a fully engaged father and rarely plays with them. He is has a well paid job and is generous so materially we don't go short just emotionally. My friend thinks he has Aspergers as he is useless in social situations but that doesnt make his behaviour acceptable.

Punk, sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like you know what it is like to live in the pressure cooker of having a teen, a house in need of repair and a spouse that wants to check out. Hope you find happiness with some one who loves you for who you are.

Its so sad. His depression is telling him that however he is living his life - he can't go on like this.
Where will his character take him. Will he step up, or will he run away.

I know you are very overwhelmed right now, but stay calm, and be kind. The same kindness you would show to a distressed stranger.

PS my H also denied that he was depressed. By the time he sought help the professionals were seriously worreid for his life.

Be kind?

sorry but hes treated her appallingly she owes him nothing.

OP your sister is right.

You deserve better than to be disrespected and left hanging like this.

Thank you dear Dodo. You too. xx

Now I have my confidence back despite his walking out he almost resents it

I wouldn't say almost. And I agree with Cogito, it was a bullying tactic. He picked on your vulnerability (which is not your weight itself but your sensitivity about the weight you prefer yourself to be - at least I hope it's the weight you prefer for yourself, not just the weight he does).

Honestly I would start divorce proceedings and start limiting how often he comes around and insist that at least a couple of weeks that the kids go to him.

Just because you start divorce proceedings doesn't mean you have to go through with them. This marriage needs to be on your terms as much as his!

OP - how is he functioning with other areas of his life? family relations ok? still working to the best of his ability? hobbies?
this will be an indication of a 'breakdown' or he is just pissed off with family life.

"My friend thinks he has Aspergers as he is useless in social situations but that doesnt make his behaviour acceptable."

Hmm. Not everybody who is useless in social situations - and in relationships - has Asbergers. Some of them were brought up in dysfunctional families and have never learned how to deal with people. And some are just selfish gits who choose not to think of others, ever.

Thanks for all the replies and some good suggestions. Cognito, I think has has been planning this for a while and the shock for me is how he is '100% sure' he has made the right decision while I am still reeling. He is living alone in a remote location and has not told his family or friends. Initially I asked him not to as I didn't want to have to deal with him leaving and all the fallout from friends and family but whereas I have now told my family he has not told his or any of his close friends. He said he expects to be hated and be seen as the bad guy. So yes he is very mixed up and yes he does come from a dysfunctional family who I think have rather strange relationships and limited social skills. He is coping at work but has lost interest in his hobbies (particulary the ones we shared) and taken up new solitary ones (triathlon training!!) Do men ever come out of these episodes and go back to their old life?