Is this a red flag, or am I overreacting.

[signsandportents]

NC for anonymity.

I need some perspective on a situation with DH. I am 30 weeks pg, and we have had some difficulties lately, I found out he had been cheating. But we went to Relate and we sorted things out and things were OK.

He has been fairly lovely to me, although he still hasn't been helping me around the house as much as I need him to. We are in the middle of moving house, but he isn't doing his half of the everyday chores, let alone the big packing stuff. He has done a but, but only after constant reminders, things are moving very slowly, and he still spends a lot of time playing computer games. Often he will say he is having a quick 10 minute game, before he helps me out, but it will run away with him for a couple of hours and nothing gets done.

Last night I decided to discuss this with him. I explained that I was feeling exhausted and hopeless, I am trying to look after a toddler all day, whilst packing, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. I don't really get any down time, he has been trying to help by taking the toddler to bed, but that just opens up time for me to pack, the only time I really rest is when DS falls asleep on my lap and I can't move!

I explained I desperately need his help, we need to move in a couple of weeks and we are nowhere near done. Last week I made him a list of all the tasks he could help me with, he discarded it for a couple of days, then spent a morning doing some stuff, then gave up. He had a week off last week "to help", he did about a day's worth of tasks.

I tried to be non confrontational and just explain what I needed and why I felt I wasn't getting it, what I needed him to do. He started getting really defensive and argumentative and it escalated. When I mentioned the computer gaming he turned around, took the disc out of the console and threw it away across the room. Then he picked up one of DS' toys, looked me in the eye and crushed it in his fist.

I completely freaked, I have been in a (psychologically) abusive relationship before and I found this behaviour really threatening. DH is over 6 foot and nearly 20 stone. I told him to get out, he didn't. I told him I couldn't deal with him behaving like that, what if the next thing he decided to break was me? He told me I was overreacting, he broke that to find an outlet that meant he didn't lose it with me. I don't think this is an acceptable way to manage his anger at all.

He talked me down and I ended up feeling really silly, and like I was overreacting. I think I even apologised for losing my rag with him.

Looking at it today with a clear head (and him not around) I am less convinced. This isn't the first time he has taken his frustration out on an inanimate object. He knows I don't like it, my ex used to shout at inanimate objects and told me I couldn't have a problem with it as he wasn't shouting at me, I found it very scary though, I had a nervous breakdown. DH knows this, he was with me when I was recovering.

He has also previously left the room and hurt himself to make a point. It's not SI, I have a history of self-harm so I know the deal, it's an angry thing, taking it out on himself rather than me.

I'm not sure how to deal with this, I am starting to feel like I can't disagree with him for fear of an outburst, I think he needs to go into some kind of anger management thing at least, I'm still not convinced if he is really losing control, or if he is doing it deliberately to scare me into shutting up.

He hasn't laid a finger on me, he says he never would and I don't really expect him to, but if he really is losing control then what's to stop him? If he could walk out rather than lash out, then why didn't he do that before trashing our child's toy?

Agatha, that is exactly it, he will take me out to dinner rather than do the washing up.

Boo, yes, he does, he hates it here more than I do. He has a tendency to put things off until the last minute and panic, drives me nuts.

Cest and Lotta, I think you are right. I;m not sure if he is aware of it though. Maybe he is feigning ignorance but I really don't believe he is consciously doing it, I think he wants things his way, and does what works to get it without considering what it does to me.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I think I need to talk to him tonight in a calm way and point out what he is doing. I think the factor of his behaviour affecting DS will stick with him. When we previously talked about splitting, the idea of not being around DS was a real issue for him. I certainly won't tolerate a continuation of this behaviour, I can't carry on never disagreeing with him for fear of a backlash, and another angry outburst would certainly be the last. I think he needs to know that he doesn't have to touch me for me to consider it too much.

I wouldnt put up with my teenage son lounging around playing games when theres things to be done . Thats it really , he sounds like a teenage boy .

He is abusive. Most women take ages (and several attempts sometimes) to leave abusive partners, but it would be better for you and your children to not be around this person. It's highly doubtful he is going to change just from being spoken to.

OK, for the moment you're going to stick with him, and that's OK. Your decision, and I'm not going to argue.

Let's get him working with you for the moment. You have far too much to do in the next few weeks. Make lists, try to get them fairly detailed. Then give him a list of things. When you've had your talk he will understand that these things have to be done before falling into his games. Alternatively, set a timer so he gets 10minutes. Nice noisy kitchen timer.

Domestic chores, list daily, weekly etc, and divvy them up. Give him a copy of his and stick it on the wall. When his timer goes off, he can have a look at it and do what's there. Saves him having to use any initiative or remember what he's supposed to do.

FWIW, crushing his child's toy in a fit of pique doesn't make him a good father, if you see what I mean. Doing it as a means of avoiding hitting his child's mother, doesn't either.

see you did talk to him you told him there and then.

"I told him I couldn't deal with him behaving like that, what if the next thing he decided to break was me? He told me I was overreacting, he broke that to find an outlet that meant he didn't lose it with me. "

if h hasnt come back to you of his own accord saying sorri he realises it wasnt ok, he isnt going to is he?

he will give platitudes o romantic gestures - til the next time.

if your focus is on moving house (and what will happen if he does get worse and you elft on your own there paying the rent? or could you just move back into your house and leave him there in the rental ?)

then jsut point out the tasks tha need ot be done and divide them up.

Sometimes when you meet someone at a low stage of your life the relationship is unequal from the start i.e. you are the 'weak' person, he 'saved you', you own him.

Also, forgiving something major like cheating gives similar messages. I always feel that men who avoid tasks basically say 'be grateful i'm still here, you need me so much you won't dare make fuss'.

So instead of (or aswell as) anger managment for him i would look into assertiveness courses -or even just books- for me.

I 'm not saying that you are the problem and i hope you don't take it that way but the relationship started on unequal basis and it needs lots work and assertiveness to change that.

This is not just ONE red flag, but many.

You are selling YOUR house to move into a rented house with him?

Dont, please dont. Let him move out.

Sorry i meant to add this.

On practical level if you dont want to hire packers then hire someone to watch your toddler while you are packing. It will make big difference.

Also, your dh will learn that either you move your arse or you lose money, you cant have both thats how it is.

I want to talk to him out of the heat of the moment, it's quite upsetting for anyone to be accused of being abusive, even if they are, he was clearly upset by it, and that isn't conducive to adult conversation. I want to sit down calmly and say, this is what is happening, just facts, it's not healthy, what are we (you) going to do to break this pattern.

An enormous fuss was made about the cheating, I didn't just brush it off, I was very ready to end it. We did a lot of work with Relate and I am getting more out of the relationship than I was, we completely reconstructed the parameters and boundaries of our relationship in a very positive way. He frequently says how grateful he is that I didn't walk out then, perhaps he thought that was a permanent situation and he had free rein, I think I probably frightened him last night by pointing out he wasn't keeping his side of the deal, and it still needs working towards.

It's true that I was very broken at the start of our relationship, I wasn't sure that he really wanted a relationship with the "fixed" me, but again, that is something we worked through with Relate.

I don't want my house regardless of what happens. I am not selling my house to move in with him. It is really our house (as we are married, but we define it as mine as there are a lot of houses going on) and we have lived together in it for 3 years, we are moving to a temporary rental and letting this house, while we decide whether to buy in our new town or move into FIL's house (at the other end of the country) which we currently let. If we did split, my ideal would be to buy somewhere a bit smaller for me and the kids, in the new town or near my family.

'it's quite upsetting for anyone to be accused of being abusive'

OP, please don't forget your own feelings in this. He has treated you terribly - cheating, sneaking around and now totally failing to support you at a time when you are exhausted and very vulnerable. Please try to focus on what is best for you. Your children need to have a happy and secure mum, so if it feels easier to focus on them, please be aware that they will suffer from being around an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

It's true that I was very broken at the start of our relationship

An abusers dream OP.

OP I think his 'anger' may be fake and is used to keep you in line, i.e. look how I smash things (you) up when I'm angry - nice derailment from the issue (his laziness) being discussed.

My ex P (stands for pyscho) did this. He threw plants in pots at me and stuff around the room in a raging temper until I threatened to empty the pot of spaghetti bolognese I was making over his head. It was amazing how he instantly became a calm rational person when the thought of being scarred for life occurred to him. He calmly informed me that the temperature of the sauce was over 100 degrees and would I please put it down. Watch out for sudden switches/changes of behaviour - it shows that it was all just a big act to upset or frighten you (control).

Frankly - there is no way I would stay with this guy - sitting at the computer while your pregnant wife does all the work? Nice!

I notice that you also say that your DS does not go down for you - kicking you etc. That's not on and sounds like you need to do some boundary work and that your self esteem might be a bit low. Lets just say it did not surprise me to learn that you have issues with your mother! I think the crappy relationships in my life were a direct result of the crappy relationships in my family. The trouble is you can have low self esteem and not be aware of the fact that you are not paying attention to your own self and needs - because that is what you were taught to do when you were a child. The way out to sanity is to unlearn this and that can feel strange and wrong as you are breaking long established patterns of behaviour.

Just get the packers in. If he complains he' only got himself to blame.

OP massive red flag imo, as is always the case with these ragers.

Toddlers often do something naughty whilst looking at you directly in the eye.

They are testing you for a reaction. Seeing what your breaking point will be.

It was not an outlet for his anger.

That behaviour would worry me.