Is this a red flag, or am I overreacting.

[signsandportents]

NC for anonymity.

I need some perspective on a situation with DH. I am 30 weeks pg, and we have had some difficulties lately, I found out he had been cheating. But we went to Relate and we sorted things out and things were OK.

He has been fairly lovely to me, although he still hasn't been helping me around the house as much as I need him to. We are in the middle of moving house, but he isn't doing his half of the everyday chores, let alone the big packing stuff. He has done a but, but only after constant reminders, things are moving very slowly, and he still spends a lot of time playing computer games. Often he will say he is having a quick 10 minute game, before he helps me out, but it will run away with him for a couple of hours and nothing gets done.

Last night I decided to discuss this with him. I explained that I was feeling exhausted and hopeless, I am trying to look after a toddler all day, whilst packing, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. I don't really get any down time, he has been trying to help by taking the toddler to bed, but that just opens up time for me to pack, the only time I really rest is when DS falls asleep on my lap and I can't move!

I explained I desperately need his help, we need to move in a couple of weeks and we are nowhere near done. Last week I made him a list of all the tasks he could help me with, he discarded it for a couple of days, then spent a morning doing some stuff, then gave up. He had a week off last week "to help", he did about a day's worth of tasks.

I tried to be non confrontational and just explain what I needed and why I felt I wasn't getting it, what I needed him to do. He started getting really defensive and argumentative and it escalated. When I mentioned the computer gaming he turned around, took the disc out of the console and threw it away across the room. Then he picked up one of DS' toys, looked me in the eye and crushed it in his fist.

I completely freaked, I have been in a (psychologically) abusive relationship before and I found this behaviour really threatening. DH is over 6 foot and nearly 20 stone. I told him to get out, he didn't. I told him I couldn't deal with him behaving like that, what if the next thing he decided to break was me? He told me I was overreacting, he broke that to find an outlet that meant he didn't lose it with me. I don't think this is an acceptable way to manage his anger at all.

He talked me down and I ended up feeling really silly, and like I was overreacting. I think I even apologised for losing my rag with him.

Looking at it today with a clear head (and him not around) I am less convinced. This isn't the first time he has taken his frustration out on an inanimate object. He knows I don't like it, my ex used to shout at inanimate objects and told me I couldn't have a problem with it as he wasn't shouting at me, I found it very scary though, I had a nervous breakdown. DH knows this, he was with me when I was recovering.

He has also previously left the room and hurt himself to make a point. It's not SI, I have a history of self-harm so I know the deal, it's an angry thing, taking it out on himself rather than me.

I'm not sure how to deal with this, I am starting to feel like I can't disagree with him for fear of an outburst, I think he needs to go into some kind of anger management thing at least, I'm still not convinced if he is really losing control, or if he is doing it deliberately to scare me into shutting up.

He hasn't laid a finger on me, he says he never would and I don't really expect him to, but if he really is losing control then what's to stop him? If he could walk out rather than lash out, then why didn't he do that before trashing our child's toy?

It's obvious to people reading this thread that you're stressed, upset and miserable. And we're just reading what you've written. What earthly use is a cheating husband that not only doesn't care how you feel, not only lies to you at counselling sessions, but then deliberately sets out to make your life even more stressed and miserable? Don't you think you'd be better off making this move solo?

Why do you love a man who is an aggressive, bullying, lying, lazy cheat?

You say you need perspective - I think you need a cab out of there with your ds. You say at the beginning he is fairly lovely to you - but he isn't being lovely - he is being abusive. What he should be doing is helping you - a team effort to move and at 30 wks pregnant you should be doing a lot less. What is he going to be like when the new baby comes and he gets irratated with sleepless nights etc. You and your children deserve better

We already have the lease signed on the new place, in fact we have had the keys for over a week. The plan was to rent while we decided whether to sell my house, and if we liked the new area enough to stay. The house is smaller because if rental prices, it's what we could afford given me losing my wages on Mat leave.
He isn't freeloading, he works full time, but not on a great wage.

packers dont mind things being disorganised - you could just ask them to take everythihg to a lock up storage if you need to. then take your time to sort it thru when you not pregant...

could you pull out of the house move ?

why you moving? is it a better house for you in some way? do you want to move?

anyway you need to speak to your midwife and tell all - there may be local support available to you.

and yes there is a real risk that next time you or your toddler or baby will be in his way when he acts out ...

'If I left him to it nothing would get done'

He is supposed to be an adult in your relationship and he is just as capable of organising things as you are. Everyone needs to be able to rely on their partner, especially at 30 weeks pregnant! It sounds like he doesn't take you seriously and is determined to have things all his own way, even after hurting you so very badly in the past.

I am so very sorry you are in this situation OP Your response was perfectly rational - that was a downright scary thing for him to do and it was designed to make you feel frightened of him. And when you respond in that way, he tells you you're overreacting! It's such classic abusive behaviour - terrifying you and then telling you your feelings are wrong. Please listen to the great advice you will get on here and keep posting. I would recommend contacting Women's Aid for advice. But above all else, hold onto this thought - you are right to feel the way you do and you are not over reacting.

just stay in your house. dont go.

waht was going to happen with your house? would it stay empty or be rented out ?

It's not always that clear cut Dowagers. He isn't just a complete prick. Day before yesterday he dropped DS at nursery, came home with breakfast in bed for me, went to do some stuff for work, came back with food so we could have a picnic lunch, we watched films together in the evening and chatted and laughed and generally had a lovely romantic day. Those days are more common than the arguments.

Again, I don't want to excuse him anything, it's just not a straight up case of him being vile all the time, or even mediocre most of the time and occasionally vile. Some of the time we are really good together, and that makes this harder. Otherwise I would be straight out of the door.

'he just goes out and plays games and tells me he was feeling demotivated because he missed me.'

That is bollocks. And turning things round so that they're your fault not his.

I agree with all those who say he shouldn't be 'helping' and you shouldn't have to ask/explain about what 'you' need done. He's meant to be an adult and you're meant to be a team.

Do contact Women's Aid, for a different perspective if nothing else.

OK we get it... you're sticking by this man for whatever reason. You seem to feel guilty enough about something that you think it's OK for him to treat you this way. You could get him to try anger management courses. He will promise to change... just like he did when he promised you to reform at Relate. Everything will be OK. Is that what you want to hear?

But this has all the hallmarks of a man that doesn't want to be there. Maybe he's not rat enough to walk out on a pregnant woman but I think you'll find he's making plans to exit stage left at some point in the near future.

I'm so, so sorry to say it signs but the more you say, the more I think you are actually part of the problem.
You are making excuses for him, apologising for being a victim of his DV, doing all the hard work for him, and throwing out your own things to move to a smaller house while he plays with his games.
Your loyalty to him is admirable, but by continually rolling over like this you are just reinforcing his control over you.

My house is to be rented out, then probably sold when the market is favourable, we are moving to a new town, I hate it here, I don't know anyone and the neighbours are vile (filed reports with SS where they lied about me neglecting DS, the accusations were insane). At the new place there would be loads of people I know and loads more support, DH really wanted this so I could have a proper network behind me. I can't afford to go alone, I would have to pack up completely and go to my mother's.

Cogito, I'm not necessarily sticking with him no, but walking away is a lot bigger deal than it sounds when you type it on the internet. I would lose a lot of what I have worked for.
Sallying, I think you are probably right too. I know I enable his behaviour. I know I should have thrown him out at the very beginning when I realised he was crap around the house (typical molycoddled by his mother, has no idea about housework) and all that, but I didn't, and this is where I am now.

do that then.
pack up (or get temoval men to pack up) and move to your mother's.

it's your house, sell it.

just because he was mollycoddled as a child doesn't mean you should let him believe that you're in charge of the housework - he's a grown man!

my DH grew up with a mother that did all the housework, and dad did the gardening, but he bloody knows how to do his own housework and cooking!

But I don't want to live with my mother, she is a manipulative pain who disagrees with all my life and parenting choices. She would love to have me there, but it would never feel like home and I would have to constantly justify stuff like why I am still bfing my 2 week old etc etc.
I can't sell the house right now, it's in negative equity, I'd have to buy out the mortgage and I don't have that money. Legally it's not really mine either, we are married, so it's half his. The good news is, he inherited his father's house, and that is worth more than mine, and half of that is mine, but the rent for that is important income for us, selling that would be shooting myself in the foot re maintenance etc.

"Day before yesterday he dropped DS at nursery, came home with breakfast in bed for me, went to do some stuff for work, came back with food so we could have a picnic lunch, we watched films together in the evening and chatted and laughed and generally had a lovely romantic day."

So, he can do the grand gestures, but the actual nitty gritty of life - the boring stuff, the dirty stuff - he can't be arsed with?

bullies/abusers dont abuse 24/7.
it is the classic cycle of abuse.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm
but no amount of good times justify his behaviour.

'Some of the time we are really good together, and that makes this harder. Otherwise I would be straight out of the door'

Of course you would - no one would stick around with a partner that is 100% vile to them all the time. And this is exactly why you're doubting yourself OP. You're thinking how could such a 'lovely' man behave in such a horrible way? Surely you must have got it wrong - how could someone who makes you feel so loved and so secure also make you feel petrified and controllled? Surely you must have got something wrong......

You haven't though Again, this is classic abusive relationship stuff - the cycle of abuse. Lovely, thoughtful, secure, close, reliable becomes scary, controlling, threatening - if you challenge him on it, he starts minimising what you say and how you feel and because you doubt yourself, you go along with it. Which is often followed by lovely, thoughtful etc etc phase which just makes you doubt yourself even more.

Does he really want to move? He sounds like my DH making us miss flights because he's scared of flying. Putting off the inevitable.

What I am hearing OP is that you are getting concerned over some things - behaviour, attitudes, whatever.

However, things are not clear to you. Perhaps for many reasons - his good points, your own past experience, and so forth.

What you probably need to go forward is More Information. More Information can help you understand what is going on and what to do.

One important way to do this is to engage with your partner. Either at the times of the difficulties or (if this is too "heated") afterwards.

Either way, an honest exchange of feelings, beliefs, attitudes to the situation/problem - a full-blown adult discussion.

I think then you will be clearer, and you can make up your own mind. Hope helps.

OP, you know what he is don't you. You have read all the signs correctly, hence being able to write them down so articulately.

He's doing the nice stuff again to put you off track isn't he.

My eyes widened during your first main paragraph, "He cheated, we went to relate and got it all sorted" . Then you described more and more utter despicable behaviour with bouts of over nice.

Come on now OP, who you kidding?

Hi SAP,

Signs, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your Dad just as manipulative as your mother now is?. You were taught damaging lessons but these people.

re your comment:-
"Because I love him, he isn't always like this, we get on like best friends most of the time. He supported me through one of the worst periods of my life. We are supposed to be starting a new life together, and I really want the things we planned together. He is a lovely father and DS adores him. He is really supportive of me in terms of personal development, career etc. I just gave up my main job to have a baby and become self-employed. I'm not exactly without my flaws either, and he forgives me for that".

Oh how nice of him for forgiving you . You've forgiven him for far more serious transgressions on his part and he has shown neither real remorse nor responsibility for his actions. He has trashed and continues to trash your relationship. You allow yourself also to be used by him, he can see "Victim Here" on your forehead all too clearly. He does not know what love is and your ideas of it are also skewed if you think that this is at all acceptable to you now.

I felt really sad reading that reply of yours because ALL that you write are words that women in abusive relationships write. You left one abusive relationship and have now ended up in another abusive one. Just because this man is this time around a different type of abuser does not mean to say he is not abusive.

Abusers are not abusive 24/7; if they were no woman would be with them. They are "nice" long enough to hook their victim in. Your DS could well grow up acting like his Dad is now; he is not an ideal role model for such an impressionable young person is he?.

He is not a good father at all if he is treating you his wife and the mother of his children like this. I would also go as far to say that you were targetted by this bloke initially because you were yuorself in a low place and therefore more amenable to his superficial charms.

You talk of anger management. No. He can control his anger around others, he had a relationship with another woman under your nose. You to him are nothing so he chooses to lash out at you. Anger management as well will have no effect on how he treats you. It does not work for abusive men at all. This is about power and control. He is currently ebeing nice; you are now in the honeymoon stage of the abuse cycle again but this cycle is a continious one. He wants to intimidate you, crushing your child's toy (this is a red flag there as well amongst so, so many here) is but a metaphor to him to crush you.

Womens Aid will give you further perspective.

p.s. And I would suggest - listen carefully to his responses to your points. Is he really listening? Or is he defensive, or dismissive? Open? Vulnerable? Angry? Loving? Frightened? This will also help you, I believe, work out what is going on and what to do about it.

BTW, I believe to get a real and honest response, you have to be real and clear and honest yourself about what you want to get out of it and have a certain courage in that regard.