Feel I've had enough of a long term friend

[tulipsaremyfavourite]

I know this is going to sound awful but I have really had enough of a friend recently. We have been friends for a long time over 25 years. We had loads in common at one stage but not so much now (I'm married with kids,she's not) but that's not really the problem.

The problem is that whilst my friend is essentially a nice kind hearted person she is also very scatty unreliable and tactless at times. She has lost a lot of friends over the years due to her always being late and changing plans at the last minute. But I put up with all that because we always had a laugh when we met up.

But recently I am really questioning her integrity. She is desperate for a baby and has been trying to trick her boyfriend into getting her pregnant by pretending to be on the pill when she isn't. I know the urge to have a baby is very strong but that is the wrong way to go about it.

She works for a charity but doesn't seem to care about the cause and pretends to work from home and instead goes to the gym/out shopping.

She can manipulative and lies, not to me but other people. She's had a string of boyfriends who've all dumped her saying she is selfish irresponsible and couldn't cope with the responsibilty of having a baby to look after and I agree with them.

But besides all the negatives she is funny, generous, not bitchy and I do like lots about her.

But I find her very annoying as well.

Any opinions would be very welcome.

You sound like you don't like her very much really.

I get your point on some parts but it does sound like you are being a bit judgy from your 'smug married' vantage point.

Not saying you are, that's just how it comes across.

If you don't like her then don't have any kind of relationship with her.

Yes I know I do sound very judgy. The problem is once upon a time I would have thought it was merely 'funny' to try and trick her boyfriend into getting her pregnant and also funny to pretend to work at home and instead go to the gym etc. I just feel that she works for a charity that is trying to help people who are in trouble and it's just wrong to get paid and not work. If it was a private company i wouldn't think it was so bad.

And having a child is a huge lifelong responsibility. To trick a man into becoming a father is so selfish.

I think I have changed a lot over the years and she has not. She's still the 20 something irresponsible girl only we're now both in our 40's!

I can't just dump her. Will distance myself a bit.

"She can manipulative and lies, not to me but other people"

If she lies to others, she's lying to you.

I have a friend who is similar. When we're together we have a laugh but there are aspects of how she lives her life that doesn't sit well with me. Of course it's her life so I never say anything but sometimes it makes me question my own integrity. I question why I am friends with someone like this.

FWIW I don't think you come across as a smug married at all.

And yes, she sounds very immature.

We all judge.

Judge her by her actions, not her words.

Her actions are horrid.

I'ld stay away from her.

Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you maintain the friendship but with a bit of distance thrown in - try and see her less often etc but without cutting the ties altogether?

I have a friend a bit like that. I love her dearly. I separate things, as in, she's not doing anything awful to me and we still get along really well then her morals are her own bag.

I'm with Hassled. Maybe, rather than dropping her completely, you treat her as one of those people who are nice in small doses.... and meet up sparingly? You don't have to approve of her lifestyle and choices to be a friend. Just take her on face value and enjoy her for who she is less often.

21year, yes she did lie to me once but I caught her out and told her if she ever did it again she would never hear from me again. Egs of her lies are that she has been looking for a new job, has had loads of interviews but never gets the job. She told a friend that she can't get another job because there are no jobs around not because she keeps going for interviews and not getting the job.

She also went on a double date with her sister and 2 men and lied about it to her boyfriend but he found out about it by reading her texts. Her boyfriend is not much of a catch either but that's another story.

Crispy yes that's exactly it. We have a laugh, (mainly about her life I suppose) but I really do not share her values in many areas and it's really beginning to bother me in a way it never did before.

where's the nice, kind hearted person you mention?

Surely it's not the person lying to her boyfriend and trying to force something on him that he has not agreed to, the person who is ripping off her employers - a charity, the person who thinks it's ok to lie and manipulate people...

I bet she lies to you too. I bet she manipulates you. If she's very good at it - you won't be able to see it. That's the thing about manipulation.

If everyone in her life walks away from her, then it could be everyone else that's horrible - but that's not the smart way to bet!

hecate i know what you're saying. But we go such a long way back, since we were 16 and we're now 42. We were at uni together went on hols together have a lot of history together.

I think a lot of people walk away due to her tactlessness as it comes across as rude but i know her well enough to know she's not being rude. I also of course will not be marrying her so I'm not looking at her in the way a potential partner would.

I think distancing is the best option until she grows up a bit.

Sounds to me like you've grown up and she hasn't, and you wish she had.
She does need to, by the way.

To be honest OP, sounds like she's not very happy but covering things in a brash way.

Hecate makes a good point re manipulation. Some people are so good at it and I have fallen victim to it on many an occasion. Sometimes you just don't realise it's happening until it's too late and you're in a situation you're not comfortable with. We live and learn though!

Thanks for all your advice.

I think she is very unhappy and is covering it up. I think she almost sees it as a failure to not be happy all the time. I have suggested she sees her GP re anti d's as she has often mentioned she might be depressed. I have also suggested counselling but she won't spend the money and has used up her quota of free nhs counselling. She's not short of money at all.

Yes she does need to grow up. Also a reason others have walked away. She reads a lot of self help books but uses them not to self reflect but analyse the behaviour of those around her eg her boyfriend who can be horrible to her. But she never seems to look inwards at herself and see that his being horrible is often a reaction to her behaviour eg her secret double date.

She definately seems to lack empathy and I wonder if she's on the ASD spectrum although she is convinced her boyfriend is!

I honestly don't think she is manipulating me. All we do is text each other chat on the phone and meet up when we can for lunch/dinner which is not that often as we don't live that close and I'm just busy with my family a lot of the time.

It's been good to talk about her though and see that I'm not alone in thinking her behaviour is a bit 'off' a lot of the time.

Sounds more like she's reflecting outwards because she's scared of what's inside (yes I know, armchair psych based on very little info) - she recognises it but is too immature to take responsibility for it being her problem, so blames everyone else around her for it.

Can you not just take a few steps back from her?

She does sound extremely self-absorbed, almost narcissistic in thinking that she can just go her merry way and no-one will get hurt.

If you don't like her, just don't be available to her very much. Instead of replying to her text when you get it, reply in 3 days time for instance. She must know you're very busy.

Is she by any chance one of those people who demand a lot of help and advice, but no matter how much they get they never seem to improve their situation? In fact, does she seem to enjoy having problems to give her something to complain about to others?

I have a friend a bit like this - she is lovable and great company at times but as I've got older her habits (lateness, scattiness, unreliableness) get more irritating. I feel awful saying that actually but it's the truth. Somehow when you're in your twenties your whole life is quite ad hoc and it's easy to change plans when everyone is young and single but time seems so short now.

I'm really fond of my friend and I think she's found it hard now that I'm married (she lives very far away so we didn't meet up much anymore, but used to talk a lot on the phone). She would like to get married and have kids but for someone who is generally very moral and sincere she treats men really badly. I've been a bit in the past at how callous she can be with the men in her life as she isn't like that at all generally.

Anyway, I have found that she is distancing herself from me these days - she is always very busy, almost manically so. But I'm glad you posted as you made me think about her and I might text or write just so she knows I haven't forgotten her :)

Sad to say I just massively CBA with those kinds of people, Crystal. I tend to worry/be concerned over my friends if they're having problems (sometimes to the point of preoccupation which is silly) and if someone's going to press the panic button so to speak at every minor inconvenience and make a massive meal of everything, without actually going anything to help themselves (assuming they're not depressed etc) I just can't take it. They just want attention really - from you, or if not you then anyone will do. Life is too short by half.

Crystals yes yes yes too re my friend with the posts you have quoted.

Her life is one big round of issues and problems with various people in her life and I'm bored as the same problems crop up every year. I used to find it all really funny due to way she describes things but now it's just getting boring after 25 years of the same joke. Am surprised she's not bored with herself!

I've had friends like this - I'm afraid I have simply lost touch with them. It's not even necessarily those who've had children and those who haven't - it's more about those whose lives have moved on and those who haven't.

It's even harder when they've had children and continue to put themselves first.

When people act like an immature 25 year old when they're in their late 30s/40s/50s it's tedious in the extreme. When they have children it's damaging and also upsetting because there's nothing you can do.

I'd let go now - life's too short be involved in the melodramatic chaos of other people's lives.