How to cope with DH's drinking

[StrategiesPlease]

regular but name changed to ask for help for this

Dh is a fabulous person and husband who I love dearly we have one small dc.

I am possibly a bit uptight about alcohol and don't want to be unfair (I have my own 'addction/weak spot' which is food and a bad weight problem as a result) but I rarely drink as I don't like to feel out of control or risk feeling off the next day.

He drinks regularly, evenings only -to the point of silly/slurry usually, he says he enjoys it and it helps him relax.
My strategy is to keep out of the way and this reduces issues as I just can't enjoy/relax sitting next to someone in that state.

The next day he is generally ok first thing,though he sleeps badly after a drink, but later in the day often short tempered/prone to bickering/difficult to be around.
I cant just keep out if the way all the time.

I try to ignore, minimise bickering etc ESp when dc in earshot.

Wwyd?
Am I unreasonable in finding this really hard?

If you think you could offer me advice I'd really appreciate it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in finding this hard. Drinking til you're silly/ slurry every night means you're an alcoholic.
I don't really have experience of this, but I would get some advice from somewhere like AA? I'm sure they help partners, and presumably would have experience of all stages of alcoholism and how it affects familes.
I would say not to ignore this, especially if you have a little one. It's not a good role model, and it could get worse.
And don't try to justify it/ make it acceptable/ do yourself down by saying you have an addiction for food. That's not the same thing AT ALL! Overeating does not affect your parenting skills/ behaviour. Alcoholism does.

you need Al-Anon. google "Al-Anon" and the name of your town. there are online meetings too. Al-Anon is a support group for family members of problem drinkers. if nothing else, going to groups can help you work out whether the problem is him, you, or both of you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. it sounds like he's being negatively affected by drink, both physically (slurring, loss of sleep) and emotionally (snappy in afternoons). you're already in enabling mode by "keeping out of his way"... all this points to a problem with alcohol, and you need support.

I'm sorry, but I don't think giving you tips on "coping" with the behaviour of an alcoholic is the right thing to do

I keep re-reading my post looking to see if I'm being unfair.
He does this most evening -say 4 a week.
Only about 3 cans or 3/4 of a bottle of wine, but more recently.

I think he tries not to do it too often.

Thanks for your thoughtful and quick replies they brought tears to my eyes and that tells me I need to do something soon as this is getting to be a real worry for me.

Ok. I'm not trying to be an Apologist for this in any way. Is there anything recently that may have triggered an increase, problems at work, etc?

I'm no expert, but I think if he's becoming slurry after 3 cans of beer then he's probably drinking a bit more than that in secret.

He's got a problem for sure, it's affecting his life, and therefore yours and your child's life too.

Hi OP. Could ask questions about your dh's behaviour...but I'm also wondering how your needs are met if you are keeping out of the way maybe four nights a week? It sounds lonely and I'm not surprised you feel concerned about it - it's impacting on the relationship and on you.

It dosent seem like a large amount, but I hadn't considered that V.

I'll try to see if anythings bothering him PTL, thanks.

When we discuss it he always draws comparisons to me and food.

We are mostly inseparable -except for this! Odd that it sounds.

When we discuss it he always draws comparisons to me and food

Oh OP. He has got a problem. Non-addicted people are able to take on questions/criticism about their drinking and deal with it in a measured way. he is trying to shut you up.

you need Al-Anon. really you do. they have a helpline you can call, just a normal Al-Anon member on the other end who you can have a cry with, and get some encouragement from. they will let you know your nearest meeting and help you pluck up the courage to go.

AnyFucker is right, you can't "cope" with someone else's drinking, that's the road to ruin. you need support and to start seeing more clearly that you deserve a LOT more than this. Four nights a week staying out of his way? that's not family life, that's tiptoeing around someone else's poor behaviour in hopes you won't rock the boat...

DH needs to be in recovery, like AA or similar, or you and DC need to be out the door. really.

magic and oiko thanks for replying I'm wondering now about getting external support as it is an issue for me and I doubt it makes him happy either

Interested to hear about online meetings they sound like a possibility.

You shouldn't have to "cope" with this. It's no way to live. Attila always has good advice on this subject; it might be worth searching old threads that she is on. Good luck.

My ex used to draw comparisons with me and food. It's just diversion tactics; it's not the same thing at all.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/

alcoholism.about.com/od/ola/Al_Anon_Internet_Meetings.htm

hth.
face-to-face meetings are really great btw. there's something special about physically meeting with others who understand what's happening in your life.

Thanks again eyes are open, but feel disloyal
Will go away now and sort out my feelings and decide what's best to do, thank you

Al anon is great. You need to educate yourself about alcoholism and the 12 step programme. As the ex wife of an alcoholic, I found this knowledge invaluable. I lived with the problem for 6 years but I warn you, it does get progressively worse. My ex has been in an out of detox for 6 months, has lost his license, his family and his health. He started out a bit like your husband.

Life is a lot better without him. Don't do what I did and spend years trying to talk him out of it, or make excuses for him. As he gets worse, his primary relationship will be with alcohol and he will always put it first.

always remember that although you feel disloyal now, the loyal and loving thing to do is to NOT make it easier for the alcoholic to keep drinking.

as long as you are staying out of his way, not discussing it, etc., you are making it easier for him to drink... what needs to happen is, that you find the strength and courage within to actually STOP making it easy for him, because you don't want to see him ruin his life or be part of a situation where you're making that possible. and the first step in that is to get support.

all the best OP x

Also I think if you feel you are "inseparable" apart from this, then that is great. Because you have something worth fighting for.
I wouldn't feel disloyal - you're only doing this to make things better and like you say, he's probably not feeling happy about it underneath either.
I would make contact with the links above and speak to someone - that initial support will be great, and you can think about things and do things at your own pace. xx

If his drinking is causing a problem with his relationship, then he does have a problem whether he is drinking 3 or 30 cans. As another ex wife of an alcoholic, I would second going to Al Anon and talking to people there, it is anonymous and friendly.

I found that for years and years I excused his behaviour and was in denial about his drinking problem, living with blinkers on and denying my own feelings and needs.

You are getting by, by keeping out of the way and trying not to start fights. You are not living. You are not uptight about his drinking, you are unhappy about it because it is affecting your family. An alcoholic can be one that doesn't drink to oblivion, it is the need to drink and the getting in the way of his life.

Have you considered too that your 'weak spot' for food, is in fact comfort eating and a coping mechanism for dealing with his drinking? The children are going to be affected by living in a household with the drinking/bickering/stress going on.

If he drinks on 4 out of 7 evenings and only does drink what you say he does then he does not have a drink problem in my opinion. That Is about 30 units a week maximum and that is only just over the government recommended limits.

However, if it affects you then clearly it is a problem.

Does he really get that bad after 3 cans? Is it the super strength stuff he drinks?

You should not have to learn to cope with the behaviours of an alcoholic. Coping with someone else's drinking will only ruin your life and by turn your child's. You will end up being dragged down with him. Alcoholism is a family disease; you are as caught up in the merry go around that is alcoholism as well so you need outside support.

His primary relationship is with drink and absolutely everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second. You and your child are not his main priority. Alcohol is truly a cruel mistress.

Ultimately you can only remove yourself and your child from this situation; helping, enabling, minimising, ignoring or supporting him as you are doing is not going to help him and will actually go onto worsen an already bad situation. He is likely also to be badly underestimating how much he is drinking and also probably says that he does not have a drink problem, denial of the problem is commonly seen.

Your child will not thank you for remaining within this if you choose to do so. Your child and you come first; you are not responsible for your H when all is said and done. Your DC is learning from you both about relationships and is taking this all in. You cannot fully protect your child from the realities of your H's alcoholism, sorry but you cannot.

Please talk to Al-anon as they can and will help you. At the very least look at their website (their phone number is on there and their literature is well worth reading).

I would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies as there are often elements of codependency within such relationships.

The 3cs re alcoholism as well are ones you will do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Maleview. that is what he would say he drinks and generally it is. The problems it causes are borderline most of the time(which is why I was looking for 'coping ideas' and trying to ignore my own issues/discomfort) but easily escalate when he decides to treat him self to the fourth can in the pack or the end of the bottle. Last night was much more than average and made me concerned but maybe other people would laugh it off.

Yes he can be slurring his words by the end of the second can especially if he drinks it quickly. If he drinks it v slowly then it can be much less noticeable.

Only a few times has he been very drunk, it's not pretty, but though I worry it might happen that's not the routine issue.

it's more the low level bickering which follows drinking nights which I find disruptive. I'm sure it is caused by a hangover -he's very chemical sensitive so for example one coffee is ok two he's antsy three he wouldn't even do.

He knows it is disruptive and would sometimes stop for a week or two if I discuss with him (which proves to me the daily bad tempers are drink related as they stop during those times) but is drawn back to the pattern every time.

When I raised it the last few time he says I'm moody cause I'm feeling guilty about what I've eaten. I rarely give what I've eaten a thought though I eat and forget which is part of my problem and I'm sure he's wrong about this.

He also suggests pmt which when I have it maybe two days a month reduces my patience but dosent mean I'm automatically moody.

I appreciate the outside perspective.

On the eves he dosent drink he says he has to keep occupied to take his mind off it.

Attila thanks, does he really sound like an alcoholic?

The book you recommended sounds like I should take a look and I will.

Hi SP,

Do not ignore your own uneasy feelings in all this; your feelings are both important and valid. Please do call Al-anon as well; you were given some links earlier by another respondent.

Yes, he does sound like an alcoholic. His drinking is affecting your life and he is choosing not to address his drink problem but instead passes the buck to you by citing your (only 2 days of) PMT for instance. What you need to realise as well is he may never choose to address his drinking so you really do not want to spend the next 6 months, year, 3 or 5 waiting to see if he has some epiphany. He may go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards; there are not guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

What is the longest period of time he has ever gone without alcohol; my guess is not very long.

Children pick up on all this as well; a childhood where one of the parents is a drunkard can leave said child with a whole host of problems as adults.
The effects are devastating and far reaching.

Hmm. Not sure if what I will say will help you or not. Have an alcoholic sister (now 5 years into recovery) and have been through a lot. My other sister is currently going through a divorce after 20 years because of marital breakdown caused by drinking, although my BIL denies having a problem and so do his family . Basically he behaved exactly as your DH for several years; every night he drank, and every night she ended up reading to the kids then doing her own thing in the evenings to stay away. Nothing nasty, she just didn't share his need to drink. Eventually it started to affect their sex life because she didn't want to when he was drunk. He was never staggeringly drunk and his daily life was unaffected. After 7 years of this she started to keep a drink diary and monitor what he was drinking. He was angry and it caused rows so she carried on, but secretly. After ten years the marriage was pretty sterile, and then last year he announced that he was leaving her for another woman (who also drinks heavily) and that it was all her fault for being an uptight frigid bitch. He most definitely has a drink problem, but he is a 'functioning alcoholic' which is the hardest sort to help. I am sorry.