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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD. Worried that mil isn't seeing DS enough.

51 replies

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:06

I've never got on with my MiL; she and Sil were incredibly nasty to me when I had DS (3.5) - unfortunately, it resulted in the doctor diagnosing me with depression and we took the decision to move away - previously lived 10 minutes away. I got a move through work so we are now 200 miles away and I think much happier for it. Anyway. We've been in our new place almost 2 years and MiL has not visited once. She is 70, but fit as a flea. She doesn't work or volunteer and complains that she's got nothing to do all day, yet she won't come to visit despite an open invitation. She said that she doesn't like the train, although, I know that she has happily travelled on trains with SiL. She said from the start that for her to come here DH would have to pick her up from the house, bring her here and take her back - that's up to 800 miles driving over one weekend (and she's made it clear that if she does come she wouldn't want to stay longer than a weekend). We both work full time so it would mean taking leave on a Fri/Mon that we can't afford to take as we are saving up to carry over for next year when DS starts school. We've tried everything. Looking at coaches, flights etc but she won't budge. We finally suggested that perhaps if she got a train into London, DH could meet her there then get the train back here together meaning she'd just have an hour on the train alone and it would cut the overall journey time by half. She said ok, but every time we've mentioned setting this up, buying the tickets for her etc, she changes the subject. I have been in and out of hospital for the past 9 months due to a medical issue, so we haven't been able to go visit her and she hasn't seen DS since last August. She is missing so much and I'm not sure what to do.

We are planning to visit her in August when I can take some leave, but bloody hell, seeing your grandchild once per year when you have nothing else to do isn't on surely. What should we do now? DH's reaction is "sod her", but not sure if that's bravado. I sway between sod her too, but then feel really sad that she's missing so much of DS growing up.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:

jubilucket · 24/05/2012 09:08

She's an adult and you've already gone far enough in making offers to help her have a relationship with her grandchild, I'm with your DH on this one.

Emandlu · 24/05/2012 09:11

I saw my Nanna once a year. It didn't do our relationship any harm.

You've tried your best, it's up to her now. Your DH is right.

Hebiegebies · 24/05/2012 09:15

Dont stress, it's getting you nowhere. She is only 70 and capable of making her own way should she want to.

Make friends with your neighbours who are retired or just about to, your child can learn just as much from them.

knowotumean · 24/05/2012 09:16

Agree with dh.
70 is very young if fit.
If you manage to drag her to yours and she is reluctant you will probably feel a lot worse than if she doesn't come in the first place.

IAmBooybilee · 24/05/2012 09:17

one granny died before i was born. one grandad saw him once a year at xmas when he gave me a pound. othet grandparents saw maybe once a month and the grandad hardly knew my name. hasn't affected me at all. your son will be fine.

although TBH if you really were that concerned about him seeing her then you would have made it happen. your Op sounds like a badly concealed bitch about her not making the effort rather than concern for your dss relationship with her.

redrubyshoes · 24/05/2012 09:18

Can you set her up on Skype and she can have a chat once a week with DS?

IAmBooybilee · 24/05/2012 09:19

and actually you moved specifically to get away from her so you can hardly complain that she doesn't visit.

Peggotty · 24/05/2012 09:20

I agree with everyone else. You have to leave it now, you've done your best. Your ds will not be any worse off if he only sees a disinterested grandmother once a year.

millpond · 24/05/2012 09:20

My MIL and FIL who live seperately but both only about 10 miles away see DS once a year at chrsitmas. Both are well, both drive and both have free travel on London Underground. Neither can be arsed to visit us.

We used to take him there all the time, but now he is older and has more going on at the weekends he doesn't want to. The reason he doesn't want to is that they didn't build a bond with him when he was small, as I said they can't be arsed/aren't interested and the result is he isn't interested in them now. Its their loss at the end of the day you can't force a relationship on either of them.

Peggotty · 24/05/2012 09:22

Are you own parents around?

Original poster

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:22

Many thanks . I am slowly realising that you could be right. I saw my nan (dad's side) once per year too as she lived overseas and I remember her fondly. I guess I'm gutted that she is so hands on with her grown up - but local - grand children; yet letting something silly like train travel get in the way of seeing her young GS.

OP posts:

Original poster

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:24

IAmBooybileeThu I'm sorry but that's unfair. before I got ill, we visited her 3 or 4 times that year. I have been having test after test and several bouts of surgery over the past 9 months. We've had a lot on.

OP posts:

IAmBooybilee · 24/05/2012 09:27

what part is unfair?

Original poster

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:31

Thanks everyone. Peggotty yes my parents are around but they live in London so see him about twice per year, which is fine. They love to travel so come here for a day then go off and do their own thing for a few days - which is fine and at least they get to see him.

IAmBooybilee I finally moved away because my Sil called me a c*nt in my own home and my Mil called me an evil mother for putting DS in a nursery. Amongst other things which over the period of a year almost had me heading for a breakdown; I would shake in my own home when they were around. So, for my sanity, we moved. It doesn't mean that I don't want him to have a relationship with Mil - that was never my intention.

OP posts:

shelscrape · 24/05/2012 09:32

Sounds rather a lot like my MIL Bambino! We actually moved closer to her, we did live about 250 miles away, but moved so we were 160 miles away, still a fair way, but an easier journey. she actually visited us more when we lived further away!!!

At one point it went 4 years between visits from her to us. We used to drive up to see her about 4 or 5 times a year, but she didn't like driving by herself, didn't want to come on the train or the bus. It stressed me out too for a while, but I reached the point of realising it was her problem, not mine. I gave her lots of specific invitations, but all declined. Don't stress yourself, as long as DS gets to see her every year and speaks to her on the phone, he can still have a relationship with her.

Original poster

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:34

I think I might suggest skype. I know that Sil has access to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:34

Thanks for the skype suggestion redruby

OP posts:

IAmBooybilee · 24/05/2012 09:36

well then im not sure i understand why on earth you would want her coming to stay for a weekend if she would treat you like that in your own home?

i still dont understand what was unfair about what i said. can you clarify which part was unfair please?

shelscrape · 24/05/2012 09:36

Oh yes, skype is good - we've now moved to the other side of the planet so no risk of MIL visits. DS loves to talk to his Nan on skype, when she can be bothered to answer his calls - but that's another topic altogether ....

Original poster

BambinoBoo · 24/05/2012 09:38

IAmBooybilee I have invited her to stay so she can see DS.

The part that was unfair was you accusing me of posting to bitch rather than concern over their relationship.

OP posts:

Hassled · 24/05/2012 09:39

Agree that Skype would be really good - and actually seeing her grandson might serve to focus her mind a bit re what she's actually missing out on. Ultimately though, you've done what you can - anything else is up to her.

olgaga · 24/05/2012 09:40

It doesn't mean that I don't want him to have a relationship with Mil - that was never my intention.

I honestly think you are making far too much of this. Lots of people have very little to do with their GPs. It doesn't bother your DS - he is far too young to be remotely bothered by lack of contact with anyone but his parents. It doesn't bother DH, or your MIL.

Stop letting it bother you!

IAmBooybilee · 24/05/2012 09:43

your OP comes across to me as a bit of a bitch disguised as concern. i dont think it's unfair of me to say how it reads to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2012 09:44

If you've moved to get away from the woman, don't be surprised that she doesn't visit. That's the effect you were going for, presumably

cestlavielife · 24/05/2012 09:45

you dont like her; she doesnt like you.
so
leave it to dh to organize.

and if she doesnt want to come so be it.
stop fretting.
ds will be fine .

maybe dh could take ds to se eher on his own sometime in th future.
and if not - well so be it. jsut get on with your lives .
if she missing out is her problem not yours

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