WWYD. Worried that mil isn't seeing DS enough.

[BambinoBoo]

I've never got on with my MiL; she and Sil were incredibly nasty to me when I had DS (3.5) - unfortunately, it resulted in the doctor diagnosing me with depression and we took the decision to move away - previously lived 10 minutes away. I got a move through work so we are now 200 miles away and I think much happier for it. Anyway. We've been in our new place almost 2 years and MiL has not visited once. She is 70, but fit as a flea. She doesn't work or volunteer and complains that she's got nothing to do all day, yet she won't come to visit despite an open invitation. She said that she doesn't like the train, although, I know that she has happily travelled on trains with SiL. She said from the start that for her to come here DH would have to pick her up from the house, bring her here and take her back - that's up to 800 miles driving over one weekend (and she's made it clear that if she does come she wouldn't want to stay longer than a weekend). We both work full time so it would mean taking leave on a Fri/Mon that we can't afford to take as we are saving up to carry over for next year when DS starts school. We've tried everything. Looking at coaches, flights etc but she won't budge. We finally suggested that perhaps if she got a train into London, DH could meet her there then get the train back here together meaning she'd just have an hour on the train alone and it would cut the overall journey time by half. She said ok, but every time we've mentioned setting this up, buying the tickets for her etc, she changes the subject. I have been in and out of hospital for the past 9 months due to a medical issue, so we haven't been able to go visit her and she hasn't seen DS since last August. She is missing so much and I'm not sure what to do.

We are planning to visit her in August when I can take some leave, but bloody hell, seeing your grandchild once per year when you have nothing else to do isn't on surely. What should we do now? DH's reaction is "sod her", but not sure if that's bravado. I sway between sod her too, but then feel really sad that she's missing so much of DS growing up.

Sorry for the essay.

olgaga agreed. I guess in these days with so many working mums and GPs that step in to help with childcare, more emphasis is seemingly placed on the relationship. I was conscious that DS was missing out on this. Mind you, like others have said once per year is fine, and I am probably overthinking it.

I'll ask DH to ring his mum tonight to ask about the Skype.

what everyone else said. shes made herself blatantly clear. stop harrasing her about it - its her loss, but not your DCs. Makes no difference to DS at all.

I can't see how your DS is missing out on a relationship with someone who can't be bothered to come see him? She's clearly not worried, and you can't force a relationship. I would leave it.

IAmBooybilee You are coming across as a bit of a stirer.

Yes, I did move to get away from her. For me to get away from her and her daughter because they were making me ill. Actually, someone up thread said let DH deal with it. I think I will. He can't be arsed though. Perhaps I should follow his lead.

Maybe she hates long journeys on public transport. I do especially if I'm on my own but I'd never admit it to anybody. Many people lose a lot of their confidence as they get older.My mother is 73 and fit but she has got less and less independent in the last couple of years. It may be a huge deal to your MIL to travel all that way on her own but she is not prepared to tell you.
If she was nasty to you to the extent you had to leave then why do you care if she comes to visit much. Visit her a couple times a year, phone her and then leave it up to her to come and visit if she wants.

i understand you feel defensive but i guarantee you i am not a stirrer. i say it as i see it and i have explained why i said what i did.

tbh i am still quite confused as to the purpose of your post but i dont feel like you would be willing to explain further so i wont ask any more.

FWIW i think if someone moves 200 miles away then the onus is on them to make sure they maintain any relationships they wish to.

She sounds a cow and I personally wouldn't bother with her.....BUT if you do want her to come up are there no coaches that she can catch? I think coaches are a lot less scary to old people than trains are

Both sets of GPs live 200 miles away. sometimes we go to them, sometimes they come to us. If we see each set 4 times in a year we're doing well.

If MiL really doesn't want to travel there isn't much you can do to make her. Go to visit when you chose to and accept she chooses not to travel.

kitsmummy we have looked at coaches but she'll need to come through London. She hates London - "all the immigration" Perhaps her real reason for not coming here too - we're in a city.

IAmBooybilee sorry if I got defensive. We didn't intend to move this far away but I had to go where my work had jobs and it was here. I honestly have no interest in having a relationship with her, but I do want DS to because she is his grand mother and I do not want to deprive him of that through my lack of relationship with her. Although, from reading replies here, I should feel far less guilty, and I think I probably will now.

well i think MIL has made it clear she wont be visiting so if it is very important to you that ds sees her then i think you and dh are going to have to work out a plan for getting him to hers.

I think you're right IAmBooybilee - one for DH though.

"But I do want DS to because she is his grand mother and I do not want to deprive him of that through my lack of relationship with her".

This is all very well and good if you were actually dealing with someone who is fundamentally reasonable. She is not however, (and nor is the SIL) so you have to think differently here. These people have not and will never play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. You'd be far better off surrounding yourselves with positive role models rather than trying to appease or visit a grandmother figure who detests her son's wife and shows no real interest in visiting or even contacting her grandchild.

Your DH seems to have had enough of her a long time ago; I would take his lead on this.

She was quick enough to start on you, she could well come to use your child against you as well. Unreasonable people like your MIL more often than not make for awful and unreasonable grandparents as well.

you are not depriving him.
she is makign a choice.
your dh - wel it is his mother. does he want to see her?

up to him really.

you focus on your side of the family

let him sort out his

it seems an irrational thing to stress about.

If you do manage to get her to your house for the weekend, what are you hoping will happen? You MIL clearly doesn't really want to see you or your ds - why do you think she'll have a change of heart just because she is in your home?

My parents spent hours in my house, sitting on the sofa, being waited on, talking about themselves, ignoring their grandchildren. We spent hours in their house, trying to make the children sit still and behave and not annoy their grandparents (who were sitting on the sofa talking about themselves). If the visits weren't frequent enough, they moaned like crazy about how they didn't get to see their grandchildren. We tried arranging to meet them at museums and parks - they'd wander off by themselves and leave us with the children, wondering why we hadn't just gone somewhere closer to home, by ourselves.

You can take a horse to water ...

And you're not depriving your ds of a relationship with this grandma. It's not you doing the depriving, really it's not.

Actually -

you have an evil MIL and an evil SIL
your dh is happy not to see them
your ds is not missing them because he never got to know them
they don't want to see you, either

What's not to like?

I'm glad I started this thread as I am beginning to see the wood through the trees. There is no doubting that mil is a loving grandmother. However, it appears that she will only be that way on her terms and in the town of her choice. Bertha I was hoping that if she did come here that they could have some days out together and just generally spend time together - rosy vision specs I think. I am always courteous to her, and I wouldn't make her feel anything other than welcome in my home. Having said that, when I go to hers, she ignores me unless DH is in the room. Perhaps I need to get real and tell myself that any relationship is well over and seeing her once per year - for DS at least - is a bonus.

Atilla I think DH cares for his mum, but yes, I think he has had enough of it all over the years. But, I do wonder how much of that is bravado or trying to make up for not supporting me when they were at their worst. I don't know. Maybe I will just let this ride. We have a nice life here, and I have finally got a little bit of confidence back after all the insults and bullying.

Having said that, when I go to hers, she ignores me unless DH is in the room. Perhaps I need to get real and tell myself that any relationship is well over and seeing her once per year - for DS at least - is a bonus.

It doesn't sound much of a "bonus" for your DS, having to visit someone who doesn't like their mum and being in that sort of atmosphere!

To be brutally honest, relatives like that are a lot more trouble than they're worth.

The real bonus here is that your DH doesn't give a damn. Take your cue from him, and try to stop worrying about whether your MIL or your DS are missing out on something. They're not.

Also, don't forget that you're looking at this from the point of view of a parent. She sounds pretty well occupied with the grandchildren nearby and that may be more than enough for her. For some people it's their own children who are or were the main thing in their lives. Once their children are adults they feel they've "done their bit" and are happy with their lot, whatever it is, and don't feel the need to seek out relationships which are difficult.

I've met grandparents who adore their grandchildren and want to be very involved, others who are just pleased to know they have them, and are happy in the knowledge their children are enjoying their children the way they did.

By the time you get to 70, your awareness that "life's too short" is very much more acute.

Really, I think you should forget about her. If she was as awful as you described her, why on earth would you actively want her in your home? Especially as she doesn't sound the apologising kind?
You invited her, she is finding excuses not to come, you don't need to go beyond the point of duty.
I understand you're sad because you would like your DS to have two loving grandmothers, but maybe it's time to let go and focus on the other relationships he actually has, and help him to flourish with those? Sometimes, we have to accept reality and make the best of it.

catus lack of apology would be an understatement. When DH finally confronted them about their behaviour towards me, they said I talked shit and called me a nutter (now I have "your missus is a nutter" in my head .

I think she's the one that's losing out so I am going to take the great advice here and leave it up to DH.

Yes Olgaga I am looking at this from a parents point of view, in that, I can't imagine not wanting to visit my grandchild, but as you say, she has a local brood (albeit in their late teens) and it could be as simple as that itch is scratched. I also think that she's a bit all or nothing, for example, she wanted DS to sleep at her house from weeks old as her other GCs had. I wouldn't allow this which shocked her, so perhaps she wrote off a closer relationship early on, as again, it wouldn't be on her terms. Who knows.

I agree with DH. Once a year is fine - do you want her back in your life more than that after such poor treatment when you had DC?

let me get this straight... your MIL was such a bitch to you that you moved 200 miles away from her in order to preserve your sanity, but you are now wringing your hands about her not spending time with your DC???

why in God's name would you want such a horrible person around your child? you should be thanking your lucky stars that the woman has made her own way out of your life. your DS has had a lucky escape.

oikopolis and midwife you at both right. I have decided that DH can sort something out with her. I'm going to wash my hands of it all and stop trying to fix something that I didn't break. I can't even begin to explain the relief I felt when I left there; it should have told me all I needed to know. Many thanks.

OP, I think you sound as if you feel guilt about your DS not seeing his horrid Granny, guilt about your DH not seeing his unpleasant mother and guilt at moving far away from her and nasty SIL.

When you should be feeling relief that you don't have to have her visiting DS, pleased that poor DH isn't forced to travel for days to get her and happy that she and SIL are not in your life. Count your blessings.

She is a very uninterested (and possibly not very nice) 70 year old woman that your 3.5 yr old child doesn't know. What exactly do you think your ds would get out of seeing her for one day or two even if you did manage to force/persuade/bribe her to come and visit? I'm with your dh too, just leave her alone and be glad you don't have to bother with her.

Josie you are right in a way. Once a catholic always a catholic. She is an old woman who doesn't have anyone but her daughter and grandchildren. Her DH died some years ago and she doesn't have one single friend. She doesn't do anything all day and complains she is bored - we had tried to get her into volunteering to get her out of the house but she said "why should I work for nothing". She won't join any clubs as they are "full of old people" . She is very angry about DH dying (as anyone would be) and close as she is to sil, her anger is always swept under the carpet. You know that saying `dead behind the eyes', well that is how I would describe her. I said to Sil years ago that perhaps her mum might benefit from some bereavement counselling and was told "don't be so effing stupid, she's not a nutter". DH tried to get her to go too, but she told him to bugger off. DH thinks that she?s waiting to die and is surprised that she?s lived this long post DFil.

They are the type of family that have always done EVERYTHING together, every Christmas, every holiday - whilst this is their choice; DH was never interested so they called him weird and left him to his own devices. I guess now that he's been so used to doing that, he is totally detached. I feel bad that she is 70 and lonely and in the years she has left, I thought that I could put our differences to one side and her and DS could have some kind of relationship. Her and DH even.

Having said that, there is a lot of sense spoken on this thread. We have invited her countless times and it?s always a no, so, if she doesn't want to see DS, for whatever reason, it is her loss. We'll keep it to a yearly thing