how can I ask this without causing him distress?

[skullandcrossbones]

First of all, i'm a bit drunk and it's a bit late, but I really want to know how to ask this.
This is going to be a bit basic, sorry.
My newish bf seems to have an erection problem. He only gets to 'half-mast' for want of a better expression. He can stuff it in/penetrate me, but then he comes, almost immediately. None of this is actually a particular worry to me, I love him to bits, he makes sure I'm well satisfied in other ways.
BUT, I really want to know, does it ever get properly hard when he masturbates? i just don't know how to ask him this. And the reason I want to know is, if it does, then with me, it's a psychological problem, yes?
Any ideas?

Can't you find out by -ehem- helping him out - hand or mouth?

tried hand and mouth, still half mast.

I'm no sexpert but I think you're describing premature ejaculation?

I would suggest that, as you're able to invite him to stick his body parts in yours, you're able to talk to him about it

lol at 'stick his body parts'
yes, i could just ask, but like i said, i don't want to hurt his feelings. and once i've said something, it turns into the elephant in the room, doesn't it?
the closest I've got is to ask 'does this always happen?' to which he's said 'usually' :(
but if it works when he's on his own, its 'curable' isn't it?
if it doesn't work when he's on his own, then i can accept that that's how it is

I would have thought that if you asked him it would stop being the elephant in the room. There are techniques for stopping premature ejaculation.

"have you always suffered from erectile incompetence or does it just happen with me?"

i thought premature ejacualaction was coming too soon, not coming before you'd even got hard.
i understand there are techniques for dealing with PE, it's the hardness that puzzles me, he comes when he's still half mast

It's impotence isn't it, if he can't sustain an erection capable of penetration - that's the definition anyway

lol at alameda - to the point, but maybe not very kind :)

so a wank doesn't count

sorry was being silly

but it is impotence, no idea how you broach the topic though

But it is how it is. Suppose he gets a different type of erection when he's on his own - how would that help you? Were you planning to rush into the bathroom/garden shed and impale yourself on his stiffy??

FWIW, I've met erections varying from 180° flagpoles to 60° beanbags The latter only bothered me twice - once when he said he usually got much stiffer, I wasn't sexy enough and once which was exactly as you describe (he wasn't boyfriend material, though, so no need to persevere).

Try gripping the base of his penis very firmly once he's in - it can make the ejaculation subside, giving you a chance to try some magic manoeuvres. You can also get delay gels. No idea if they work.

sorry, xposts
I think I just want to know whether the hardness is a physical problem or not
i've looked it up on the internent and most of the info says its a pyschological problem, but what i'm trying to say is, that if he doesn't even get hard when he's by himself (i.e. no pressure), then maybe there's actually a physcial problem?
sorry if i'm not making much sense, i should probably go to bed !

gf - :-O at 'not sexy enough' that's terrible!
i suppose its because he's fairly new that i don't want to rush into 'knocking' him, maybe i'll just leave it a while - perhaps it will 'come up' naturally (the subejct, that is :D )

The angle & hardness of the erection depends on a lot of things, many of which are just the way people are made differently. If the heart can't pump enough blood in there fast enough, it won't get rock-solid. Men with absolutely huge dicks often don't get all that hard - or if they do, they pass out from lack of blood in the rest of the body! Low blood pressure, diabetes, medications, all sorts of things can affect engorgement.

I have no clue why I know all this!

you are making perfect sense - obviously he needs to see a dr to find out what's wrong, is it a blood supply thing, some other physical thing or a psychosexual thing or a combination of things?

does he mention it at all? He must feel a bit rubbish about it.

perhaps it will 'come up' naturally

Sorry, I have a schoolboy sense of humour.

I honestly think it's best to be blunt. He must know it's not right and if you don't talk about it now then it's certainly not going to get any easier as the relationship progresses. 'You seem to come when you're at half mast. Out of curiosity is that also the case when you're giving yourself a hand job?' that's probably what I'd say.

gf - he does have quite poor circulation - cold hands and feet etc.
alameda - yes i know you're right about the dr. and he hasn't mentioned it directly, but has got quite distressed about it on a couple of occasions, saying he just can't control himself and stuff like that, so yes, i think he does feel a bit rubbish about it. i know it sounds odd, but it doesn't bother me as such, its just that if it IS curable, it would be nice !

I feel that once I start talking about it, it will cause him stress and may make things worse, i.e. not even half mast!. I think I'll just leave it for now.
thanks for all responses so far, am going to bed, but will check back in the morning.

namechange - yes, acutally that doesn't sound too bad - "does it work like that when you're playing by yourself too?" - excellent :) i'm sure i can work that in somehow
thank you mners xx

I get you! I have a similar problem with DH. I talked about it - mistake! Terrible performance anxiety ensued making the problem ten times worse. I am now secretly testing and self diagnosing and pretty sure it is just a lack of confidence. Does your bf ever get really hard? My DH does with my hand/mouth, when I'm on top and when he's had enough drink to take the edge off which is why I think it is just confidence. If nothing you do helps then it sounds like impotence and you will need to have the conversation I'd say!

S&C, could you mention it as a potential medical problem you're a bit worried about i.e. his circulation (mentioning the cold hands and feet at the same time, perhaps), rather than a sexual problem? Ask whether he's ever spoken to his GP about the circulation issue and whether he should do so again. Sort of, I really like (or care for, or whatever verb you prefer) you and hate to think of you being ill / iller should the circulation problem get worse.

Talk about it when you're not in bedroom.
I think You do need to talk about it whatever the reaction.
You might not seem bothered now but it can play funny games wih your mind if they don't want to address it. I.e you spend months and years on the net trying to diagnose it- is it psychological is it physiological...oh he seems to have reynauds, oh history of family heart probs etc etc. then u turn it in on yourself and take blame. It's really hard for chaps to get help but he owes it to himself and you.
Be very kind but don't pussyfoot woul be my advice.
Good luck

Does he have high blood pressure?

Tablets for high blood pressure can cause this.

The lack of hardness part anyway. the premature ejaculation may be happening out of embarrassment due to the lack of stiffness!