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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Im having an affair.

28 replies

hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:22

I have been having an affair with my husband since I left him. He lives with someone else but would come home in a shot if I let him. I dont know how or why I have got myself into this. He justifies it constantly saying 'but we are married, I love you so much etc..'.I need reminding how bad this is.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/05/2012 22:25

What's the point in the affair? Where's it going? Have you asked him to leave her?

BigHairyFlowers · 23/05/2012 22:27

Sounds like he's having a lovely old time, having the best of both worlds.

What do you want out of this?

jubilucket · 23/05/2012 22:27

Why did you leave him in the first place?

skirt · 23/05/2012 22:30

If you are single then you're not. He is.

Original poster
hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:31

No I havnt asked him to leave her.I dont know what the point is. I am on my own with very little support. I miss him.

OP posts:
BigHairyFlowers · 23/05/2012 22:33

Do you have children together? Does his partner have children?

ExpatAl · 23/05/2012 22:34

This sounds sad h&c. I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt. You won't be open to other opportunities or healing if you're still seeing him. Look after yourself.

AnAirOfHope · 23/05/2012 22:35

Your single. Find someone else to fuck. Simple.

EclecticShock · 23/05/2012 22:35

Give him an ultimatum, you or her and stick to it. You're hurting her and yourself :(

Original poster
hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:35

Yes he does have the best of both worlds. She cooks and cleans and irons his clothes. He has a thousand excuses as to why its ok, but I know its not. I left him for many reasons, EA mostly. I do miss our family very much, we both do.
I have had councelling, amd am really doing everything I can to get through this. I so appreciate your replies, please be as gentle as you can.

OP posts:
Original poster
hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:36

An air of hope. I so wish it were that simple.

OP posts:
molschambers · 23/05/2012 22:36

Do you miss HIM or do you miss having someone?

If it's him you want tell him to choose. Otherwise end it.

molschambers · 23/05/2012 22:37

What's EA?

Original poster
hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:38

Thank you Expat. The healing is in progress. I think I am still a little afraid of the fall out and anger I will get when it finishes for good. I certainly dont want to be married again.

OP posts:
Original poster
hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:40

EA is emotional abuse.

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 23/05/2012 22:43

Its as simple as you make it. Its your choice to live as you want too.

I think he is still ea you. It sounds like this man is no good for you but you refuse to let go.

Its a choice you just have to make it.

midwife99 · 23/05/2012 22:43

He's still emotionally abusing you in my opinion. You need to be free to find someone else as he obviously has.

molschambers · 23/05/2012 22:45

"EA is emotional abuse."

Yes of course it is. Sorry.

He's still controlling you OP. Keeping you dangling. And his new partner as well. It will end in tears. I have a feeling they'll be yours. If you don't want to be married again there really is no point to the affair.

Sorry to be blunt. Walk away.

AnAirOfHope · 23/05/2012 22:45

How can you move forward with your life if you are stuck in the past?

Have you told your councilor you are still seeing him?

izzyizin · 23/05/2012 22:46

You may still be married in the eyes of the law but it's a marriage in name only.

You're not having an affair with him. You're being used by him and he's continuing to emotionally abuse you.

If he were as willing to 'come home like a shot' as you seem to think he is, you'd be cooking, cleaning, and ironing his clothes for him and he'd be having an affair with her or another sucker woman.

There's only one way to go. Divorce him and stop allowing him to fool you into thinking that he 'loves you so much' because men like him are only capable of loving themselves.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 23/05/2012 22:46

What does your councellor think of your affair with your emotionally abusive soon to be ex-husband?

I'm guessing that the fact that he has moved on to another woman is the SMALLEST reason that you should not be involved with him any further...

BigHairyFlowers · 23/05/2012 22:46

Oh OP what a horrible situation. It sounds like he still has a hold over you, like he's (being as gentle as possible..!) taking the piss.

The proper healing can't really start until he's completely out of the picture and then you can look at where you are and what you want and start to move on. I know it's awful to be lonely and anyone to hold you is better than no one at all but in the long term, it really really isn't.

Original poster
hotandcross · 23/05/2012 22:53

Thank you so much everyone. BHF. You are so right.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 24/05/2012 07:46

You aren't the one having an affair he is.

midwife99 · 24/05/2012 11:02

There are plenty of other decent men who will want to be with you but you have to make space in your head, heart and life for them to come in. That means breaking off all contact with ex. And he is an ex. He's just using you. Any relationship that has to be kept secret is wrong.

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