Dilema! WWYD?

[balotelli]

Have posted before with my 'probs' and all the MNers give great advice ...... usually. so please can you give me your advice on ....
Dw doesnt fancy me and hasnt..... ever! She loves me and married me because I was 'safe and comfortable'. I love her and fancy her like crazy after 13 years together and one DC (3) and do not want to leave but.....
Do I end the relationship and give her the chance to find someone she does fancy and can have a proper passionate loving relationship?
She has been having counselling to help with problems from her past and her present relationship with her DM. It seems to be helping but while it may help her to be happier which is fantastic it cant and wont make her find me attractive.
I really dont know what to do for the best!!
Please help

What does she want?

Let her go for both you future happiness.

You sound like a nice bloke and you deserve to be in a relationship built on mutual attraction affection and friendship.
Life is too short

if she has never fancied you... really not at all, not even when you first met or first slept together, then I would say you're screwed. Sorry bad turn of phrase.

But you say she loves you, so my guess is her fancying you is being held back by some psychological issues, so the counselling may well help, and you have to give it time. Resolving issues from the past and relationships with parents can be very significant in current relationships.

I think I remember you posting about this before. It is obviously getting you down. Does she know how desperate this is for you? Does she realise you would consider leaving?

She is not sure what she wants.
The counselling is helping her but if you dont fancy someone in a 'sexual' way then surely counselling wont help. Its plastic surgery I need!!
She does realise how this gets me down but that makes things worse as it puts pressure on her to make things better and she cant help how she feels. I get to the point of wondering if there is any reason to carry on full stop. I worship my dc and would never do anything to hurt her but the thought of another man being her 'stepdad' and doing the daddy things that I love doing is unbearable.
Should I just grin and bear it? Conselling could be on going for many months and I dont have a problem with that but when it ends........ what then?

hmm, so it's working quite well for her right now to go to counselling and she can just keep you hanging around and she can avoid intimacy.
I'm just trying to imagine... If you were a woman posting this, then maybe the MN relationships posse would be telling saying how dare he (she) treat you like this and keep you hanging on like this without telling you whether she wants to be in the relationship.
I don't know what to advise. Whether you can grin and bear it or not is a very personal thing. Is it making you really unhappy? Are you getting any other needs met in the relationship such as emotional support, companionship?

in every other aspect our relationship is very good. We have fun together we make each other laugh, we share a lot of interests, we make a good parenting team, we have fun holidays together. Its just the SEX!!! or total lack thereof.

Sorry to hear you are still going through this balotelli i hoped things were getting better for you. You sounded like you felt better about things at the end of your last thread.

Hi carer, I go from being really optomistic about the future and alls wonderful to almost packing my bags and just fucking off.........

Yes i know what you mean. She is being very unfair to you. Please dont take this the wrong way but it must make you feel used.

Hi Balotelli :) I think you should just start 'bringing her around' to the idea of separating. It would more than likely be better for both of you but obviously you don't want to be cast in the role of the one choosing to leave. I'm sure the two of you can make it work...

it has been mentioned and thats what 'pushed' her to try counselling which she had been rather against. She doesnt want to separate and neither do I but...............

do you think shes only going through the motions with the counselling to keep you in the marital home and to keep you quiet and acquiesant or is she seriously trying to work with you and the counsellor to overcome this.

I am so sorry this must be incredibly painful for you.

I have two experiences that can help me relate to this.

One is my own failed marriage to a man who among (many) other problems had a porn addiction and who had never really fancied or respected me I don't think (he once told me I had just made life too easy for him and hadn't made him work hard enough). I had a sexless marriage which I finally left last year and have rather unexpectedly found that I am still considered sexy and loveable by other men (still getting my head round this having bought a house that would be just right for a single ageing me and a squillion cats).

I also know a woman married to a man she never fancied but saw him as a safe option. She married him and had a child but struggles to have sex with him and has already had an affair with a man that she would have left her DH (and taken DD) for but had HER heart broken so stayed with DH (for now). I can objectively say this man IS attractive. He is good looking, fit, funny, faithful, has a good job and is great with the kids and around the house - LOADS of women would be happy to meet someone like him if he was available but he adores his wife.

It must be hideous being a man and having to face the quite real possibility of reduced contact with your children (and I think women often don't recognise how lucky we are in this respect) BUT I think you need to think really carefully about whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this. We only get one life and sex IS important.

You will still see your children and have a relationship with them. Any new woman coming into your life who is worth their salt will appreciate you for that and support you in putting them first. Just my take on it but I think you need to consider the possibility of a happier life for yourself away from this.

You sound lovely, good luck whatever you decide.

Ah, your wife is obviously very content right where she is. It worries me to hear you say that essentially, she only agreed to counselling because her comfort zone was threatened (by the suggestion of you leaving). That is not someone who truly cares about you or your relationship. It is someone who doesn't want to lose what she has going. You appear to sense this anyway.

You have also said that you don't see how counselling will make her fancy you. Again, you are correct. Unless you believe in witchcraft, and your counselor happens to be a witch?

I suggest you look carefully at the things you do or provide that make staying an attractive option and consider whether she would still want to stay if any of that stopped? Are you subconsciously bending over backwards to please her? Do you ever feel loved, truly loved, for being yourself? Weigh it up against what (if anything) she does for you and see what picture begins to build.

Ultimately, you have but one life. It is up to you whether you want to devote it to unrequited love.

renpig You could be on to something.... the counsellor does have a black cat Not sure that I do feel truly loved for being just me..... dont know what it feels like. First DW left me after having numerous affairs so I suppose aprt of my problem is feeling like no one can love me as I dont think anyone apart from my Mum and children ever has. After I split from ExDw I was constantly told that I was too nice to date!! It seems to be sad but true...nice guys never win. First DW had affairs because I 'gave her too much freedom'
Financially and logistically splitting would be a nightmare but these things do happen.
DW is getting lots from counselling and says its helping her deal with things so there may be hope, I just cant see it yet.
Thanks to everyone for your kind and heartfelt comments and advise. It helps knowing there are people who do care out there.

To be honest I don't think "fancying" your partner is such a big deal. I didn't to start with but he is lovely and I cared for him greatly and so with time that trivial thing became less and less important in our relationship. Arranged marriages work like that sometimes I think.

You can love someone's face without findin it earth shatteringly attractive

Well you can't carry on like this forever. You need to set a timescale in your head whereby if she hasn't made significant improvements then you start discussing separating. I also think you should start seeing someone to discuss how you feel. With your first wife and now this issue maybe you choose the wrong women and need to explore tgat, much tge same way women go for tge wrong men time after time.

Balotelli, that´s not true, "nice guys never win". My husband´s a nice guy and he "won" (ahem) me. I fancy him lke crazy and he me - you can find somebody who wants you in every way.
It must be really painful.
I have also been your DW in a relationship - I simply didnt fancy him - you need the spark. It drove us apart eventually. You deserve better and you can find it - trust me.

Balotelli if your first wife had affairs and your current doesn't want sex with you, I do think you have a pattern whereby you subconsciously 'pick' women who are and will remain emotionally unavailable to you. This is something you need to address yourself through counselling.

This whole sex thing is taking up lots of your time isn't it? There's a life out there to be lived y'know! Imo your first step should absolutely be to tell your DW that you are moving out for a while to see how things work out. It's very very unlikely things will change the way they are now so if you want something to change, you need to dictate the pace a little.....

"Do I end the relationship and give her the chance to find someone she does fancy and can have a proper passionate loving relationship?"

Hi op, can you see how you might rephrase this? I.e give yourself the chance to find someone who fancies you....

Hellto's point is def worth thinking about too. Maybe some psycho dynamic counselling might help

Yeah agree with drunken " he who cares wins!" ...so long as he also cares about his own needs too

What is the counselling supposedly helping her to deal with exactly? What are you personally expecting/hoping for your relationship?

Does your DW have anyone to turn to other than you? You mention a problematic relationship between her and her mother. Does she have other family/friends to turn to, or is she leaning very heavily on you to meet all of her needs?

It is sad that you don't feel you've ever really been loved just for being you. :-(

balotelli please dont think that nice guys never win. Personally ive never gone for "bad boys" and i never will. I like a gentleman and there are many women out there who feel the same believe me.

the counselling is helping her to 'deal/sort' the problems she had with her DF leaving the family and the EA he dealt out to all the family. Also the relationship with her Mother has never been a normal mum/daughter one as DW has had to deal with EA from her and her depression, amongst other varied problems. I dont see how it will help our relationship but I will give it as much time as I can to see what the outcome is. The counsellor thinks it will help but then she would, wouldnt she.
I would like to have a 'normal' married relationship which we almost have just without the intimacy. I dont want daily or weekly intimate time together jst once a fortnight would do. Just to be able to express my feelings, feel loved and wanted.
I want my DW to be happy and if that means without me then so be it. I doubt that I could find what I want. I've got to nearly 50 without finding it so its rather unlikely that I will find it now so maybe I just need to be happy with what I have rather than what I want but at the moment DW isnt finding what she really wants and deserves.
I heard a song today that summed it up perfectly for me and made me bawl like a baby!!!! Dolly Partons And I Will Always Love You.
Sorry for the ramble....... its been a long day!