Have just left EA relationship and overwhelmed about next steps -can anyone help please?

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I'm a long time lurker but have been reading EA threads for years and gaining strength. I have just left and am in a refuge. My head is completely screwed up. I can't go back, would lose children if I did, but I am struggling. I feel like I've made all this up, can't beleive my life has been like this for so long. I am also worried I will be found on here. I know how strong some of you have been and you have made me face up to things for my children and given me hope of a happy life but I am still so scared. Any words of wisdom? How do I deal with the headfucking?!

Also meant to say am on a phone and can't use it a lot as I am getting a lot of calls and texts at the moment from H. Thx

I am so glad you are safe in a refuge. You will get lots of support from the workers and other women in there and lots of support here too.

Hopefully someone wiser than me will be along shortly to give you some advice.

You are free now!

Would it be easier to go no contact with your H? ask him not to contact you for a while to give you some space?

Do the refuge offer counselling or mentoring services? I think, if you feel like it's all slightly surreal, you need to ground yourself in reality, go back over the reasons why you left and get some reassurance that you've done the right thing. If you feel that you may be unsafe ('found on here'?) ask their advice about security.

Otherwise, embark on the rest of your life by thinking about the future, starting small and building up. Put something in your diary for the weekend, for example. Doesn't matter if it only says 'walk in the park' or 'coffee at Starbucks'... if you've been in a relationship where you have been controlled to any degree, the very act of deciding to do something and carrying it through without asking someone else's opinon or permission is extremely empowering.

Don't talk to your ex for now. Emotional abusers will continue to try to control you from a distance, wear down your resistance whilst you're in the 'have I done the right thing?' phase, and the very best thing you can do is switch off your phone or change the number.

Thx! I am not responding as support worker and solicitor have advised not to but I am feeling more and more guilty. I am frightened about what he will do next but because of whats happened have to get a non molestation order and petition for divorce. I mostly know I am doing the right thing but it seems so extreme! Noone knew what was going on and some think I am overreacting. Support workers all saying its been really bad tho.

Fear is normal. Guilt is for the birds :) You are not guilty you are courageous and admirable. You are not 'mostly' doing the right thing, you are doing exactly the right thing. So what if it was all behind closed doors and some can't take it in? You know the truth, we believe you, and your support workers believe you. The courts will also believe you. Do get a different phone. Even seeing his name come up on the display will unnerve you at first and you don't need that stress.

People outside the home seldom understand whats really going in EA marriages. You know, those people who think you're overreacting, well, thats not really being supportive is it.

Try and surround yourself with supportive people at the moment.

I still feel controlled even though in real life it was quite subtle - always checking the time, trying to please etc. my children are struggling with guilt too and I am getting them some support. I still feel like I should be doing things for him. Cant really believe I've left - it was just the final straw. Got to go now and sort breakfast - everyone is up in here now! Thx for replying.

Please get a new sim card. Stop this man trying to hook you back in.

You just need to 'be' for a bit, take stock.

You didn't make this up. It will get easier, trust us.

I've been where you are, and I really think the guilt was the hardest part. Try to just watch your feelings for a while - you can have a feeling without acting on it. As you've been on the threads, you'll have seen the recommendations for Lundy Bancroft - he really does help clear your head.

You might try keeping a diary - write down all the things he did that made you leave. When you're having a wobble and remembering the good times, reading it back can stiffen your resolve. It's also handy to give your solicitor for evidence of unreasonable behaviour and in case there is a dispute over child residence.

I don't know if you have access to a DVD player or video player. When I was in a refuge, I had a very old video player in my room, so I used to buy comedies in charity shops. Because everyone was getting rid of their video cassettes, it was very, very cheap. When you're tired of thinking and grieving, just sitting down and watching a mindless comedy can be a great relief. Avoid romances! I got quite addicted to the Golden Girls - very soothing to see older women living together happily without men.

I don't know if you've read "We're going on a bear hunt" with your dcs. There's a line: "Can't go over it, can't go under it, have to go through it". It's true. It does feel shitty for a bit, but the only way out is through. You know you've can't go back. It's like being in labour - awful, but too late to change your mind, and then suddenly it's all worth it.

I was exactly where you are two years and three months ago. Everything you are feeling is to be expected. My advice to you would be to take everything Refuge have to offer you, take all the support they can give, take the counselling, take the lot!

This might sound a bit daft but my support worker told me to see my time in Refuge as a holiday, a time with no abuse, no bills, no responsibilities other than my DD. It took me a good few days to relax, to stop worrying and stop feeling guilty but the day did come when I woke smiling rather than crying. I embraced everything they offered me and I had such a positive experience, it was life changing for me. And for my DD. Watching her flourish and grow in confidence, change from a depressed little girl into one who loved to laugh and play, it was the best thing ever.

You have done nothing wrong. You have just taken the first step towards a wonderful, abuse free life. I am out the other side now and I cannot tell you how wonderful life is. Honestly. Just being free of abuse, it's wonderful! Just take one day at a time. Each day you are away from him will see you getting stronger and more confident. Just keep moving forward and hold that thought in your mind of a happy future for you and your children.

Well done on getting out.

Thx for your support - and love the bear hunt quite. He is still texting and phoning, offering ways we can get back together but I just can't. I am dreading him receiving the divorce papers and order - he's going to go mad. I still feel like I'm making this all up even though I've been reading the freedom programme book and can spot him quite a lot in the bully, dominator, king of the castle, sexual controller and persuader. And the rest! It's a cOmplete headf**k! How did you all get through this stage?

Mine did exactly the same, promised me the earth, even proposed marriage and offered to share his bank account . Once he realised I wasn't going back he soon reverted back to norm. You aren't making it up, it did happen and it caused you to move into refuge, refuge is not a place you go if everything at home is sweet. I got through this stage by talking, talking talking. I leaned on my support worker and I started counselling as soon as I could, the counsellor came into refuge. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, with determination. My goal was to be free of abuse and to be happy, and I achieved it.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry about him and his reaction. You are safe now, he can't hurt you, he can rant and rave all he likes but you don't have to listen to it

hi just want to offer support - is this your new name? Are you who i think you might be? pm me to let me know xx

hi just want to offer support - is this your new name? Are you who i think you might be? pm me to let me know xx

" How did you all get through this stage?"

Removal. Diversion. Control. This is why the SIM has to be changed as priority. You're physically elsewhere but you can't completely remove yourself emotionally if he is invading your space with calls and texts. Diversion... keep busy, make plans, be with friends.. the less down-time you have, the less you can keep mulling everything over. Control... your life is now on your terms and you can prioritise yourself and your children above everyone and everything else. Any communication is via your solicitor because solicitors are controlled by you and cannot be threatened, persuaded or conned by him.

And finally, keep reminding yourself that you are brave, intelligent and in the right at every opportunity... out loud if you have to. The more positive your inner dialogue, the stronger you'll be.

well done, well done. this is the beginning of your new life. for you and Dcs

I recognise all the feelings you describe but the only way forward is just to keep doing the ordinary things. I kept my emotions separate from my actions for a while (not quite sure how ) and just concentrated on eating, cuddling washing...the normal routine things.

As above, take all the help you can get and if people are not being suportive then leave them be for a while.

EA is often a mystery to those who have never been there, not their fault that they don#'t get it. but it is not your job to educate them just now, and you need to surround yourself with people who help.

Definitely don't look at his messages, they will just keep you confused. he does not need to be in touch right now.

It will take quite a while to get used to checking what you wnat to do without reference to him. 7 months for me and I cut the hedge yesterday...for the first time without wondering whether he would think it was too low, too high, wrong shape....etc. I can laugh today!

much love to you

What kept me from going back was the small voice inside me that told me I'd have to leave again eventually, and it would be even harder, because this time he'd be prepared and would be on his guard. He wouldn't be grateful for me for going back - the fact I'd left would just be another thing to blame me for. Leaving was so hard that I made up my mind I was only going to do it once. I'd got this far by getting to a refuge, and I couldn't sacrifice the momentum just for the short-term relief.

I agree with Cogito about changing your SIM - right now he's still able to reach into your safe place and mess with your head. The first few times you stand up to him will feel excruciatingly difficult, but it will get easier. If it helps at the start, don't hesitate to say you have to do something (eg. change SIM) because your solicitor/police/some other authority told you. You'll get to the stage when you won't feel so scared for making decisions that make him furious, but it can understandably take a while to get there.

I totally get what you mean about thinking it's all in your head. I thought I must be blowing a few small incidents out of proportion, that I'd got carried away by reading certain books, and by advice on a website (before I discovered Mumsnet, so another one. I thought maybe I'd misrepresented situations and so skewed the advice to leave, but of course in reality I never told the worst of it). You've spent years normalizing the situation, and it takes time to get free of this conditioning.

You'll get there, sooner than you think. This part of the journey is painful, no two ways about it. But you will get through it.

Lots of good advice here. I too want to add that it's ok what you are feeling and as someone said upthread, it is ok to have the feelings and then let them go without acting on them. It's ok however you feel and whatever help you ask for. No one can deny your reality as it is here and now in this minute.
Like fool says it is hard not to reference your actions against him because he was so controlling. I'm a year on and am doing some quite big things that I couldn't have done with my EA ex and I stil have a little niggling fear or jolt of anxiety. But those moments are like bubbles - they appear, sometimes out of nowhere, can seem impossibly large, but now I can mostly sit and watch them and then see them pop.
Posting and reading here can be a great comfort, there are some fabulous women on here who know what you've experienced. Have some for your abuse-free new life

just want to give my support and let you know too that you have totally done the right thing. I am in a refuge too, typing this on my phone! really take each day as it comes and try and go easy on yourself. Don't think about the future yet, as people have said use this as your recovery and holiday time. It is always confusing when a relationship ends but I think with abusive relationships its so exaggerated because the abuser has been and will still try and manipulate you by promising you the world, saying sorry and then being nasty again when they don't get their own way. Don't ever feel guilty , lean on the support u have. It will get better, but it will hurt some more. Xx

sorry about that last part. Read it back and sounds a bit negative. If u ever want to pm me about anything then please do. Sometimes can help to talk to someone in a similar situation. At the same time don't feel u have to!

I agree that you really need to get rid of that SIM. I work with a couple of refuges and they don't allow women to bring their existing SIM with them because there have been instances where SIM cards have been used to locate women.

Hi! I'm back again - been avoiding my phone and following intervention by the police I've not heard from him directly for a week. We are still in the refuge and settling in ok I think but do need to get back to reality - work and school etc. I am still not sure about the legal side of things - been advised now to go straight for divorce to sort out contact and house sale as while we are still married he has rights to have the DCs with him and to live in our house. He says he has left but if we move back I expect he would turn up. Does anyone have any experience of what to do? I had thought I could get a non molestation order but apparently not as no recent threats have been made (last one on day I left). I am worried i will have to fo mediation too I hope those of you in this situation are also doing ok.

Being still married has nothing to do with his right to have the DC with him - they are two separate issues. In my case, I sorted out contact first through a contact order, and didn't get divorced till nearly three years later. I can't advise on the house, as luckily we only rented.

Are you seeing a solicitor? You know you can ring around a few and ask for free 30-minute appointments. You definitely want to avoid a situation where you move back home and he moves back in.