I know I'm being a jealous cow, but this bothers me-DH and his female friends.

[Dazedandalittleconfused]

Dh and I have been married for four years this August and are expecting our second dc together in 6 weeks. On the whole I do feel lucky to have him- he's a nice person, nobody has a bad word to say about him and I would say he's my best friend.
However, the thing that has niggled at me throughout the duration of our relationship are his friendships with other women. He has lots of female friends and most of them are women that he's been friends with since school. He makes a real effort to stay in touch with these friends and whenever we're back in our home town he always goes out of his way to try and see them (he does the same with his male friends but that doesn't bother me- see 'jealous cow' in the title!).
He also chats to them a lot on Facebook and the way he talks to some of them grates on me- he seems to more overly friendly with his 'girl' friends than he is with his male friends and I often think it seems flirtatious even when the thing he is talking about is totally innocent! For example, he keeps messaging one particular friend saying that they will have to all (the entire group) of friends go for a meal the next time we're back in our home town and that he'll hold her to it. He also sent her a comment ages ago saying something along the lines of 'gutted you weren't back in *** at the same time as us- make sure we meet up next time!' This type of thing just makes me really jealous as though he shouldn't be so bothered about seeing these female friends and sometimes I just wish he was like other people's husbands who don't seem to have them.
I don't feel like this is something that I can confront him on as I know that he's never technically done anything wrong and that I do have a bit of a jealousy problem. I just wish I didn't have any reason to be jealous! I'm never not invited to see these female friends btw and none of them are secret- I've known them as long as I've known him. Does anyone have any similar experiences with their dh/dp?

Sorry don't know why there were no paragraphs in that!Will post again:

Dh and I have been married for four years this August and are expecting our second dc together in 6 weeks. On the whole I do feel lucky to have him- he's a nice person, nobody has a bad word to say about him and I would say he's my best friend.

However, the thing that has niggled at me throughout the duration of our relationship are his friendships with other women. He has lots of female friends and most of them are women that he's been friends with since school. He makes a real effort to stay in touch with these friends and whenever we're back in our home town he always goes out of his way to try and see them (he does the same with his male friends but that doesn't bother me- see 'jealous cow' in the title!).

He also chats to them a lot on Facebook and the way he talks to some of them grates on me- he seems to more overly friendly with his 'girl' friends than he is with his male friends and I often think it seems flirtatious even when the thing he is talking about is totally innocent! For example, he keeps messaging one particular friend saying that they will have to all (the entire group) of friends go for a meal the next time we're back in our home town and that he'll hold her to it. He also sent her a comment ages ago saying something along the lines of 'gutted you weren't back in * at the same time as us- make sure we meet up next time!' This type of thing just makes me really jealous as though he shouldn't be so bothered about seeing these female friends and sometimes I just wish he was like other people's husbands who don't seem to have them.

I don't feel like this is something that I can confront him on as I know that he's never technically done anything wrong and that I do have a bit of a jealousy problem. I just wish I didn't have any reason to be jealous! I'm never not invited to see these female friends btw and none of them are secret- I've known them as long as I've known him. Does anyone have any similar experiences with their dh/dp?

Do you want him to change, or do you want you to change?

In other words, is what you seek that he stop chatting to and socialising with his female school friends, or do you seek to work on your own jealousy?

Dazed I kind of understand where you are coming from, though I think you have nothing to worry about (and I am pretty sure you know this too).

My DH also seems to get on very well (have easy, deep conversation) with female friends, but seems less bothered about them since our DD. Life has just got too busy recently.

I would never worry about any old school friends, or any friends he knew before you two met. If, however, he'd suddenly get super friendly with somebody new (work colleague or similar) who you don't know, then that would be a different thing altogether (I say that because of my own past experience).

I think you can be proud of having a considerate DH with great social skills!

I really want to not feel jealous! I suppose it would be best to work on my own jealousy, which I have tried and failed to do in the past. I know when I'm being level headed that I'd be being unreasonable to actually try and stop him remaining friends with these girls who he's known for so long, but I constantly wind myself up about these friends ( to the point where I have in the past looked at photos of him with these girls where he has perhaps had his arm around them, and try to work out whether he looks like he fancies them from his body language ) but I just wish he was more like the husbands of other women I know who don't seem to have all these women friends- it would be so much easier!

How is it flirtatious to say he was disappointed not to meet up with a friend?

Stop reading his messages.

Amaya- did you ever feel jealous of any of your dh's friends? I know I'd be so much happier if I could just let go of those feelings! Looking at my last post, I actually think I'm mad!

Curiosity- they weren't private inbox messages, just comments his wall so I just saw them anyway. I know really that what he was saying was completely innocent- I suppose I just wish he wasn't as bothered!

Umm, I've never experienced this dh. Only with boyfriends who didn't make me feel secure in our relationship.

Heath- that's kind of what I want to get past, I want to get past feeling like an insecure girlfriend and feel like a wife in a normal marriage. But dh hasn't actually done anything wrong ifswim so I don't know how to get to that point!

I'd say you need some sort of counselling. His friendships are not unreasonable, but your expectation and demands of his friendships are.

Thanks curiosity I am going to try and look into some kind of counselling when I move back to the UK (we currently live overseas) I do think I have a lot of issues that stem from things I encountered as a teenager so this could be something to do with my jealousy. Would rather it be something I can 'fix' without it being him doing something wrong, as I don't like to rock the boat and don't want a confrontation.

Well, you could do a couple of things.

Firstly, you could face your fears:
What's the worst that could happen?
How would I cope? - emotionally, financially, whatever.
This may lead you, say, to overhaul your CV; think about retraining while your kids are young; develop a strong support network.
It could make you feel stronger and possibly less threatened by his friends?

Secondly, as you're saying dh is a nice person and your best friend, you could ask him to tone it down a bit with his friends?

Anyway, just a few thoughts.

I really want to not feel jealous! I suppose it would be best to work on my own jealousy, which I have tried and failed to do in the past.

It's great that you are willing to examine your own behaviour, and that you have already been open to that in the past. That takes courage.

Would you be willing to try counselling?

x-post

What are the things you encountered as a teen?

Here's a quote I came across, that may be of some use.

'Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point ? that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative ? self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it?s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.' ? Jennifer James

I'm currently doing an OU degree which does help to give me a sense of accomplishing something, but am stuck in the house for much of the day which gives me a lot of time to ruminate over things and create problems in my head! I'm hoping I'll feel better when we move back to England and can get a job/learn to drive/ see my own friends more often.

Heath- that is a great quote, I've written in down on my phone so that I can read it when I'm having a day like today! Thanks :)

i have been a really jealous person in the past and i have lost boyfriends in the past because of this.

it finally sunk in when i finally realised doesn't matter how much i worried obsessed etc. if he was going to stray he would and it has nothing to do with me (or not as the case maybe) if he does stray I'm well shot of him anyway.

these women where in his life before you and if something where to happen it would of by now.your dh seems like a naturally flirty person which I'm guessing is one of the reasons you fell for him? the messages are harmless enough i would stop reading these and get on with your friendships and stop obsessing about his.

Married four years and this is still an issue? I really feel for you as have been jealous in the past and it's a horrible feeling.

For me: It was all down to lack of confidence, self esteem and self belief. You should try working on these.

Hotdamn- I was really badly bullied (mentally) at school to the point where I didn't dare go in, and got into some really bad situations involving older boys and sex at a young age.

No problem.

Have you had any counselling before, dazed?

I'm sorry about what you've been through as a child, btw. It sounds horrible and is bound to have left scars.

The good news is that these can be dealt with and overcome.

i was bullied too, i have never put two and two together before now, but hmmm.