I know I'm being a jealous cow, but this bothers me-DH and his female friends.

[Dazedandalittleconfused]

Dh and I have been married for four years this August and are expecting our second dc together in 6 weeks. On the whole I do feel lucky to have him- he's a nice person, nobody has a bad word to say about him and I would say he's my best friend.
However, the thing that has niggled at me throughout the duration of our relationship are his friendships with other women. He has lots of female friends and most of them are women that he's been friends with since school. He makes a real effort to stay in touch with these friends and whenever we're back in our home town he always goes out of his way to try and see them (he does the same with his male friends but that doesn't bother me- see 'jealous cow' in the title!).
He also chats to them a lot on Facebook and the way he talks to some of them grates on me- he seems to more overly friendly with his 'girl' friends than he is with his male friends and I often think it seems flirtatious even when the thing he is talking about is totally innocent! For example, he keeps messaging one particular friend saying that they will have to all (the entire group) of friends go for a meal the next time we're back in our home town and that he'll hold her to it. He also sent her a comment ages ago saying something along the lines of 'gutted you weren't back in *** at the same time as us- make sure we meet up next time!' This type of thing just makes me really jealous as though he shouldn't be so bothered about seeing these female friends and sometimes I just wish he was like other people's husbands who don't seem to have them.
I don't feel like this is something that I can confront him on as I know that he's never technically done anything wrong and that I do have a bit of a jealousy problem. I just wish I didn't have any reason to be jealous! I'm never not invited to see these female friends btw and none of them are secret- I've known them as long as I've known him. Does anyone have any similar experiences with their dh/dp?

I did get referred to a youth counselling service when I was younger but they said I was fine and didn't offer me anymore sessions and it's not something I've pursued before as an adult. I probably should have done before now though.

Hi Dazed

Personally, I think I would be feeling the same, but I don't think i'd necessarily be right. Maybe the reason that he speaks to his girlfriends differently is because they are just that......different. When you hear two women speaking to one another, it's usually nothing like two blokes speaking to one another. The general enthusiasm of just being in each other's company is lacking and they're not happy to pay each other compliments etc, like most women are. Of course i'm generalising, but if your DH is used to female company, then perhaps he just has a way with them that most men don't.

Could it not be that he's just refreshingly in touch with his feminine side? I guess his ratio of male and female friends which he has, suggests that he probably is. And so therefore, I don't think it's a problem.

Counselling can be tough but is very healing, dazed. I hope you can access some soon.

Is it really not an option where you are based now?

My male friends speak to me like this, enthusiastic, perhaps slightly flirtatious at times, but all utterly open and above board and nothing is ever hidden, plus partners can all come along. These are long-running friendships, in my case, going back 30 years. My husband also has long-standing female friends and goes out of his way to see them when in town/opportunities arise.

It all sounds very normal, and nothing alarming, but clearly you find it stressful. I do think talking with someone may be good (e.g. counselling), what do you say to your husband about it? Can you say you feel jealous and it's irrational or does it show in your behaviour?

I think one of the reasons that I know It's me being jealous/insecure is that it's the good looking ones that bother me more! The one I mentioned as an example in my op that he had sent a message to is slim,tanned and gorgeous with great skin whereas I am pale and un-toned with spots! (she doesn't have any kids so more time to spend on looking good )

but i just keep thinking he is with you not her, she could be dull as dishwater.

do you speak to them too?

Mumsy- I haven't actually told dh any of this, I just torture myself in my head! He is not remotely a jealous type of person so I think he'd just feel I didn't trust him, and I guess I wouldn't really know how to bring it up or how to word it.
Hotdamn- actual face to face counselling isn't really an option where I am now, I'm entitled to free Relate sessions online because dh is armed forces but I don't know whether they do that type of counselling or if it's just for couples to do together.

Scarlett- I do have all of these girl friends on FB and speak to them casually on there and of course if I see them, one of them I'm now quite good friends with myself and so I don't feel jealous about her. I don't really speak to 'gorgeous girl' as much though because I feel rubbish about myself when I go on her facebook page!

" I just wish I didn't have any reason to be jealous!"

You don't :)

Thanks, athinginyourlife, I know deep down that I don't really, I think I probably just need to get out more! Although unfortunately I'm so pregnant that walking to ds's school is taxing atm!

You said yourself your DH was putting this stuff on his wall for all to see.
If there was anything dodgy going on he would send them private messages.

I know, and he often leaves his facebook logged in so if I wanted to look at his inbox messages I could ( I don't! ) think I might be just a little bit mental

maybe that's the point dazed you should befreind the "attractive one" and you will see she is no threat to you.

Dazed - I have a great (straight) male friend who is in a committed relationship with his partner. I've known him before he knew his partner. He comes to visit and stay (he lives in another town) for days in the holidays, we've even slept in the same bed after tumbling home drunk tipsy.

We tease each other, go on nights out together, write on each other's FB wall etc...but none of it is remotely sexual. It's just a silly but fun friendship, and I really value it.

Not all friendships are temptations. He's chosen to be with you.

Dazed I think the key here, and the thing you need to focus on, is that he's not in the slightest bit secretive about any of these friendships and that he involves you. If there was anything to be suspicious or jealous about this wouldn't happen.