My Dearest Friend I will always be there for you but I cannot take anymore of your crying about the loser you have been seeing for five years!

[redrubyshoes]

He has messed you about, lied and then lied and then lied again to you. He has made promises, broken promises, it is quite obvious he has other women on the go (apart from being obvious to you) and is a dishonest, spineless and throughly nasty piece of work.

I have listened for FIVE years. The same conversation over and over and over again and on Saturday I sat through six hours of your tears and ranting.

I have always been there for you and have always listened but no more. He has finished with you again. Please don't go back to him. Please, because it is going to seriously test our friendship.

After seeing you on Saturday I was wrung out emotionally and physically and I stayed and listened because I care for you. You said your other friends don't take your calls anymore and this upsets you........................

I have picked you up off the floor, wiped your tears and many years ago you did the same for me after my divorce. How long to heal a broken heart? How long is a piece of string?

Your life has been miserable and on hold for five years. Please let go and find someone who loves and appreciates you. The wonderful intelligent, kind and generous you.

Your friend

RedRubyShoes.
x

PS MNetter's just venting...............no real need to reply.

I stuck with a friend through 6 years of something similar

Emotional abuse, financial abuse (massively so....he spent hundreds of thousands of an inheritance of hers) and finally physical abuse

The only thing that finally made her face up to reality was when he took up with another woman (another mutual friend of ours)

At times, I kept a low profile. At times we socialised as a 4some. I kept up a drip-drip of "are you sure this is how you want to live?" type dialogues. She later told me she did listen and take it in, and it all helped when she made the final break, but she hadn't been ready to act until then. She could recount nearly every heart-to-heart we had ever had (I had consigned most of them to the pile of "useless" tbh)

I say, protect yourself first and foremost, but don't dump her completely. She will need you when it finally ends....but probably not as much as you might anticipate. She will already be most of the way there, by the time it happens, IME.

Friendships should work both ways, what are your getting out of the relationship?

You could point out to her that sometimes you are not happy but that she never has time to support you so enough is enough. You will be around after she breaks up from twat but no more until then.

It sounds as though your friend is stuck in negative and draining over analysis and by being a listening ear, you are actually helping to facilitate this obsessive thought process.

Next time she raises it/him, try responding with 'It Just Doesn't Work' whilst looking her straight in the eye. Then change the subject or remove yourself from shared space (go and put the kettle on, turn to look at a different rack of clothes, open a newspaper!). Make this your response every time, don't be drawn into any discussion and believe it or not, in time, when she slips into that over analysis when alone, your voice will ring in her ears and help stop this obsession it in it's tracks.

She's addicted to him, you know. View it as an addiction. It isn't her, it isn't about attention seeking, it's a complex range of dynamics which have fooled her into being trapped within this situation ...and painful, endless and futile over analysis of that complexity is part of the disease.

I agree - Tough Love.

People like her are utterly selfish and I'm convinced that in a way, they thrive on the attention and drama. They see themselves as the heroine of some awful soap opera and, I'm sure, are convinced that their friends are as fascinated by their car crash relationships as they are.

Of course everyone has their moments but when it drags on for years and years and you're finding yourself having the same conversations over and over again, it goes beyond a friend needing help and actually drifts into "Emotional Vampire" territory.

I think you need to get firm and tell her exactly what you said in your OP.

"I wonder whether people like this in some way go for destructive relationships because of the attention it brings them? They refuse to listen to advice, they refuse to seek help yet they are always demanding your attention. Isn't that a little bit Munchausens?"

I think TheRhubarb may have something there, can't say about the OP's friend but I've known a couple of people like this.

Calamity

I have told her over and over again what I think of him, the relationship and everything else.

She is addicted to the fuckwit.

Then you're just going to have to say "Ah ah - don't want to hear it" whenever she starts.

Tone of voice might make a difference too - rather than a "I can't listen to you any more - I find it upsetting that you're addicted to being upset" tone, try an eye-rolling "Oh god, no more - I can't listen to this any more, sorry but you're boring me to tears and what's more you're being unbearably feeble. If you insist on putting yourself in a situation that makes you unhappy then it's your problem. Now, let's talk about something else..."

Telling her over and over is just keeping the conversation going round in circles. If you don't want to hear about it or talk about it any more, put it precisely in those terms. BTW... when you have serious problems in life, how interested is this person?

I find these people (rather like small children) are very adept at keeping the conversation going. You have to be relentlessly consistent...

Her: WAIL WAIL HE'S DONE IT AGAIN

You: I'm not interested. If you're not happy, leave. Now, about that dress/TV programme/news item...

Her: I knowwwww, I'm so stupid, why do I fall for him all the time.. blah blah..

You: I'm not interested.

Her: I knowwww, I don't blame you, it's just that

You: Right, I'm off. Let me know when you're free and willing to talk about something else. Byeeee...

I could have wrote this exact post about my friend, this has been going on for the 4 years I have known her.

Taken calls in the middle of the night, spent all easter with her when he went off with another woman and so on and so on, but she still wont leave it and everyday moans about him and calls him a bastard and how upset she is and her nerves are shattered blah blah blah.

Now instead of offering her solutions (which go ignored) I just listen to her ramble on and say "So what are you going to do about it?" Never give advice just ask her what she is going to do to change the situation. Funnily she can never answer that.

I will not get involved to that degree again, it is so emotionally draining, the euphoria when she leaves the bastard to the despair when she goes back again

I think there comes a point when you just have to say stop it, it's your choice to keep having him in your life, I don't want to hear about it any more.

and just refuse to listen any more.

She's probably as addicted to the drama as she is to him and you are, with the best of intentions, helping her to get her drama fix.

I know that sounds cruel, but I'm only saying this because I've been there. Don't want to do anything to change the situation, but want to weep and wail and have the attention.

It's not good. You just end up needing it more and more and then you start creating ways to get it.

You are going to have to tell her to shut up about him.

I also had a friend like this and had to let her go for my own "sanity" in the end.

My opinion is you either tell her that you want absolutely no part in any of this any more or you terminate friendship.

She phoned last night and surprise, surprise two weeks after dumping her he is back in touch and said how much he misses 'their friendship'.

I was blunt and said "Under no circumstances call him back or communicate with him", she said "But, but I just want to tell him.................." I repeated the "Under no circumstances......................." she said "But, but I just....." and I repeated it again and again.

Then I said to her can you call that you have ignored for the last few months while you allowed that wankstain to fuck you up?

She want very quiet and said she would call instead of him.

I doubt very much she did call the friends though.

Thing is, you can't tell her not to call him back. You can't. That's her choice and you can't control it.

The ONLY thing you can control is whether you are willing to sit and listen any more.

Yep I know it is her choice but she can't come wailing that she didn't like what he said after she phoned him.

Can you all tell I am at the end of my rope with this crap?

Oh yes. And I would be too.

So was I OP when my friend barely functioned because of some bloke that didn't want her in the first place. This went of on 3 years and is probably going on now.

I was sympathetic

I was pragmatic

I was understanding

Then I became really rather cross and frustrated with her and didn't like my behaviour, hence having to throw in the towel.

And does your friend act all loved up and over the top like its perfect when they are back together? I just don't buy it because its all fake!

I also struggle with other people being all friendly with him when their back "on" when they have sat and agreed what a dick he is and she can do better etc.

Oh yep, been there.

I sympathise that your other friends have dropped her. It's hard when you feel like you're the last link.

The good thing about realising she's not taking your advice is that you can give crap advice. I (similarly at the end of my tether), made an abrupt switch to 'maybe you should get back with him then' type comments, and it actually made my friend a lot more willing to be negative about The Dickhead. I ended up thinking that maybe she was feeling obligated to defend him because I was always so attacking.

It might just be my friend being weird and reverse psychology happening to work on her, but you may want to give it a try!

Sugar

I refuse to tolerate him and she knows he is not welcome in my house. I went out with them once as a couple and it was the first time I had met him. He was a fecking rude bastard and she made excuses for him and she still is making excuses for him.

The last time I saw her 'loved up' with him was four years ago!

Thanks for all your replies but I am getting to the point where I am ready to scream at her - she was trying to blame her friends the other day for her being alone "as they never call her anymore or invite her out".

FFS

You know what, maybe Hermoine has a fab point here OP. At least you could have a bit of fun with it at the same time and you wouldn't get so cross?

Good point.

I am getting married next year and I never mention it in deference to her feelings (he never attends events with her).

I am not a wedding bore or a bridezilla but she will be there if I have to drag her kicking and screaming and he is NOT invited.

Weddings and parties are something else she has vetoed because she always has to go alone. The fuckwit bloke is also a snob and probably fears he may catch 'poor' or 'working class' from someone there.

Hi red

Had the same problem with my friend. Made the decision that I couldn't handle the constant negativity. She wasn't my friend any longer and the relationship made her miserable.

So I emailed her. I copied and pasted every email she sent to me over the 3 years. All of them was about the fighting and the horribleness.

I told her that I couldn't support her anymore and if she could please read the email, and see the relationship through HER words, not mine.

It was 20 pages long.

I told her that I loved her but I didn't expect the relationship to last anymore and that was the decision I made because I couldn't watch her do this any more.

Luckily for me she had pretty much come to that decision in her own and my email just pushed her over the edge.

She is now happy, positive and looking forward to her future... Thank god.

Totally agree with Hecate. She gets something out of the drama.

I can say that because I've been there. Convinced that the drama and the splitting up and making up indicates a "passionate relationship"

Bollocks. It wasn't. It was destructive and BORING for anyone unfortunate to have to listen to me bleating on.

I grew up. She hasn't. You can't make her - but as someone said above, you can refuse to listen any more. Take her audience away and she might wise up - again, a bit like a toddler who follows you from room to room when having a tantrum.