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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Dearest Friend I will always be there for you but I cannot take anymore of your crying about the loser you have been seeing for five years!

50 replies

redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 10:23

He has messed you about, lied and then lied and then lied again to you. He has made promises, broken promises, it is quite obvious he has other women on the go (apart from being obvious to you) and is a dishonest, spineless and throughly nasty piece of work.

I have listened for FIVE years. The same conversation over and over and over again and on Saturday I sat through six hours of your tears and ranting.

I have always been there for you and have always listened but no more. He has finished with you again. Please don't go back to him. Please, because it is going to seriously test our friendship.

After seeing you on Saturday I was wrung out emotionally and physically and I stayed and listened because I care for you. You said your other friends don't take your calls anymore and this upsets you........................

I have picked you up off the floor, wiped your tears and many years ago you did the same for me after my divorce. How long to heal a broken heart? How long is a piece of string?

Your life has been miserable and on hold for five years. Please let go and find someone who loves and appreciates you. The wonderful intelligent, kind and generous you.

Your friend

RedRubyShoes.
x

PS MNetter's just venting...............no real need to reply.

OP posts:
Whatnamethistime · 21/05/2012 10:25

I had a friend like this - I had to walk away for my own sanity.

Original poster
redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 10:31

I can't walk away from her but she is making herself ill and drinking too much and sending texts and emails and phoning his family and friends for info on him.

In short she is losing her dignity now. Short of chaining her to a radiator and confiscating phones and laptop I am not sure what to do.

I disliked the man when I first met him. Now I hate him.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/05/2012 10:37

tough love sweetie. In fact, no holds barred. If she's been doing this for 5 years then you've proved to her that you're a loyal friend. If she keeps beating her fists against a door that isn't going to open, despite her insistence and panic that it must , by magic, then it's time to tell her the truth. She may have a hissy fit but in the end she may come round. Other than that, you have to let her let herself be gobbled up by this shit. She is choosing to be addicted to him and his abuse and there is nothing you can do about it - only she can do something about it.

Original poster
redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 10:47

I told her from day one he was a shit and to walk away. The very first time she introduced him to me he was morose, rude, sullen and spoke to her like crap.

Yeah...........what a fecking catch. Confused

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybunny · 21/05/2012 10:49

Ruby, write out that op on a beautiful card and put it through her door. It is lovely and supportive ... you need to be straight with her.

supernannyisace · 21/05/2012 10:49

Oh blimey. i hear ya!

Sounds like someone i know....

But what can you do?!?!?!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2012 10:56

I'd say it to her out loud rather than ranting into the ether. Sometimes people need to hear... 'I love you but I can't listen to this any more'... before they realise they have to take responsibility. Stuck records are very wearing and you may ironically be keeping the thing dragging on longer by listening than if you say 'enough'.

Original poster
redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 11:19

Cogito

I have been saying it to her;

Dump him

He is toxic/dishonest/spineless

He has NEVER made you happy

What are you getting out of this?

He is seeing someone else

He has moved back in with his ex-wife.

He is lying to you again

He is using you for sex.

You are worth so much more

He is making you ill

His ex-wife has thrown him out which is why he called you after an absence of two weeks

I can't listen any more dear friend - please dump him and delete all his numbers, emails etc etc and NEVER speak to him again

etc etc

How much plainer can I make it?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2012 11:23

'If you won't take my advice, I'm not listening any more'... is the phrase you want, right before you change the subject. All the above are excellent arguments and excellent advice but they all invite a response. By not listening, you shut the conversation down.

If she decides she only wants to be friends with people who provide shoulders to cry on you will quickly find out. However, a real friend would understand that five years is pushing the patience envelope and will shut up aboutit.

Whatnamethistime · 21/05/2012 11:25

She wOnt listen - been there done that - she is going to keep on doing the same thing she has for 5 years and dragging you down with her.

bibbitybobbitybunny · 21/05/2012 11:26

I have quietly let friendships go after I have exhausted all my sympathies before now. Just be less available.

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 11:33

You know what? I wonder whether people like this in some way go for destructive relationships because of the attention it brings them? They refuse to listen to advice, they refuse to seek help yet they are always demanding your attention.

Isn't that a little bit Munchausens?

Sorry but I think you have to let your friend go. You have done more than enough for her and I'm sure your family would have rather you stayed with them on Sat than give 6 hours to this friend. Your mental health and your relationships may suffer if you carry on bowing to your friend's demands that you listen and give her sympathy.

You never know, once she realises that she's on her own she may make a miraculous recovery. But right now she is just craving that sympathy and attention that her relationship affords her.

I wouldn't have the patience or tolerance for this one.

SugarBatty · 21/05/2012 12:29

I'm in this boat too. Even more awkward is that me and dp set them up. Now her dp and my dp have fallen out, mainly because me and my dp took her side!

Its very frustrating, I just wish he would leave her once and for all she has lost all her dignity begging him back.

Sad to see someone in such a bad way over someone so not worth it.

Original poster
redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 12:47

I cannot believe we can lose a long friendship over such a worthless, lying sack of shit. Sad

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 12:48

You won't lose the friendship because of him. You will lose it because of her and her behaviour.

SugarBatty · 21/05/2012 12:58

Do they split up and get back together a lot RedRuby?

FreudianSlipper · 21/05/2012 12:59

oh it is so bloody hard to watch someone you love hurt themselves

a friend of mine who is in the middle of divorcing her emotionally abusive nasty horrible vile husband, who calls her the most awful names in front of their children, has emotionally abused her and her children, who stalks her and tries to control her life announces the other day that she is again having sex with him, but she is ok with this as it is just sex and she is in control as there are no feelings attached. i wanted to scream but said nothing and have decided to distance myself a little from her as i realise she is not ready to move on, when she is i will be here to support her but i can not support her harming herself it has drained me i have given so much support and i have not given support to others friends that have needed it

it is so frustrating and i can not help feeling she is a fool but i know she is trapped in a vicious circle of an abusive relationship and i can only hope one day she will get out. What is frustrating is that she understands what he is like, knows he is damaging and mostly that she was getting close but has been pulled back in. I hate him and wish i was not angry with her, but i mostly pity her :(

Abitwobblynow · 21/05/2012 13:14

Yes I let go of a friendship like this.

it is an addiction IMO. As long as you are focussed on trying to control 'him' and stopping his moves not to be, you are externalising everything and not focussing on -

the empty despairing hole within yourself.

And people will go to hugely destructive lengths not to do that.

curiositykitten · 21/05/2012 13:17

Until recently I had a friend like this. Been putting up with his crap for 8 years - though to be honest she is just as bad as he is. I feel so much lighter now I no longer have to worry about her.

There's only so much you can help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

SugarBatty · 21/05/2012 13:38

I agree about the addiction thing. My friend is so deparate to change him and make him see how good she is to him. She is also starting to use her dc as a bribe to keep him.

Everytime they break up I think it will be for good and support her and tell her all the good things she has going for herself and she makes plans to be on her own and I believe its for good.
Then all of a sudden she is sucked back in.

Its hard to watch,

FreudianSlipper · 21/05/2012 13:41

i agree with saying well i am your friend but this i can not listen to anymore. by wiping her tears while she is still with him you are not really helping her and she is using you prop her up emotionally. you can not tell her what to do or what she should do (she knows all this but is not wanting to yet give it up, why this she needs to explore for herself) but you can tell her what you are giving in your relationship with her

Original poster
redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 13:43

SugarBatty

He has dumped her many times. The woman has made more comebacks than Frank Sinatra.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 15:43

You don't have to distance yourself completely from her

Simply tell her that conversations about him are off limits. You don't want to know any more details.

See if she still wants to spend time with you after that

What do other mutual friends do ?

Original poster
redrubyshoes · 21/05/2012 15:45

AF

Other mutual friends have dropped her Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 15:53

Yes, I thought you might say that Sad