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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I am single, what now?

34 replies

Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 22:02

I started a thread on Friday but had it deleted as my ex knows my old name. I have re-registered and I am hoping for some handholding.

I have a 3 year old DD, my ex had an affair, blamed me. I beleived him, took him back but cant live with what he did and how he has treated me, bloody shoddily to be honest.

Its all such a well known story, he is a lovely man, great father, kind and faithful partner.......... the least likely man to have an affair........ but he did.

So after 7 weeks of hell, going backwards and forwards, taking him back, kicking him out. Its over and despite the anxiety there is a part of me that just knows I have done the right thing. I am so scared ofthe future, how will I cope, practically ( I work full time and I am skint!) emotionally etc.

I feel no man would ever want me. I had crippling PND, had to have 2 'repair' operations since my daughter was born, I am on anti-depresants and my ex tells me I dont have a very good bond with my dd. I have put on loads of weight and I am really unfit.

Despite all this I have had 2 promotions, worked full time and finished my degree, gaining a 2:1. So I know, somewhere in my heart that I can cope.

We were supposed to be going away next month, I am taking my best friend instead. I was nervous about going away with him, hewouldhave been ashamed to be on the beach with me I know it.

I feel weirdly exposedand embarassed, like people will think, no wonder he had an affair, she really let herself go. But I had such a hard few years. I really felt like we were coming out the other side. I guess he didnt feel the same way.

What an epic post. Thank you if you got to the end of it, feels cathartic to write it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 22:33

oh dear, no replies...... my ego is taking a knock or two today for sure. Well I am going to continue to post. Im sure someonewill come along eventually.

I am going to bed now, tomorrow is another day I guess. Im going to work ex is staying in a hotel round the corner tonight so he can lookafter dd tomorrow. I have told him he needs to make some longer term plans but he simply wont talkto me.

I am preety sure he will be back with the ow before I know it, now that is something that just feels to heartbreaking to even contemplate.

OP posts:
LavenderBriggs · 20/05/2012 22:37

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I've got to go to bed, but I"m bumping for you.

Please don't take this as another knock - most of us are in knackered shock on Sunday night.

pjani · 20/05/2012 22:37

Just wanted to say that you have made the right choice, you are a strong and impressive woman and you will get through this shitty time!

LavenderBriggs · 20/05/2012 22:40

And you got a 2:1 when working full-time - that's a massive achievement!

If you can do that, well, to be honest, you can do pretty much anything.

Annielove · 20/05/2012 22:44

Stay strong, thinking of you. i have also been there as have many before us. This is the start of a new chapter in your life. There will be massive lows but you will recover from this.

DeckSwabber · 20/05/2012 22:46

You've been through an awful lot and are probably feeing pretty bruised right now. Splitting up is horrible.

Two really good things stand out from your first post - firstly, you feel that you have done the right thing, so well done you. Not everyone would have had the strength. Now that he's gone you may be feeling that you are looking at an impossible pile of wreckage but actually you are now in a position to heal and move forward. It will get better - with the odd setback, perhaps, but it will get better.

And the other thing is that you have a holiday to look forward to with your friend.

blighty99 · 20/05/2012 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 22:51

Thanks ladies x on Friday night I was sleeping on the couch while he was pissed upstairs stomping about. I thought to myself this is the last time I have to go through this.

Tonight I'm sleeping in my own bed. And yes, this is a new chapter in my life.

I'm in control, there is peace in the house, that's got to be good.

OP posts:
Christelle2207 · 20/05/2012 22:53

Also late here, a few years ago I left my ex and I remember just how horrid it was. I did switch onto autopilot though and got through it. Later that year I met my DH and came to realise that everything really does happen for a reason. Hugs x

LavenderBriggs · 20/05/2012 22:55

Do you know how well you've done? To have the thought and follow it through?

121 · 20/05/2012 22:56

Pretty much as Deck said, well done you. Enjoy your holiday!

Also, just because you mention exp's practical arrangements at the end and that you've "told him to make some longer term plans but he simply won't talk" to you. It's probably a control thing and he'll enjoy winding you up. Does it really matter to you if he's in a cardboard box? I know it's easy to say, but try not to become involved in any aspects of his life that you don't need to (like pick-up/ drop off times for DD).

I'm also sad for you that exp told you you don't have a good bond with dd. Who does he think he is? You just go ahead and have whatever relationship is right for you and dd, without him meddling and judging. Pleased for you that now you can.

xx take care

Twiggy71 · 20/05/2012 23:05

Well done you for taking control of your own life its so hard to end things even though it needs to happen. It will be hard for a while but through time it gets easier it is a true saying time is a great healer.
And after a while you will realise your free to do what you want when you want and it is such a relief. I am 3 yrs on from separating and i can honestly say i am so much happier being on my own with my dc and they are so much happier too.
Good luck xx

Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 23:06

Thank you all, very kind of you to take the time out to reply.

121 - he is very controlling and manipuative. I dont have any concerns about my bond with my dd. I love her with all my heart. I did struggle with PND and was worried about my bond with her, he knows that and was just using it to hurt me.

He makes out like he is the victim when he has done all this, caused this mess.

You are right I need to distance myself from him, what he does is no longer my concern. I have to try and focus on me and dd and how we move on.

OP posts:
MomentarilyLost · 20/05/2012 23:08

I saw your thread on Friday. Well done for getting to the point where you are putting this behind you.

Glad you are back in your own bed. Did you get the new sheets?

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Take care and big hugs x

Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 23:10

Thanks Twiggy its good to hear that life goes on,can even get better. I so wanted annother child, he didnt, so we didnt.

I feel so sad for dd that she will never have any sibliings. She has cousins that she loves but they are spread far and wide.

I hope I am enough for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 23:13

lost - thank you, yes I did get the new sheets and it does feel good to be back in my lovely bed. The house is calm and I dont need to worry or wonder what kind of mood he is in.

When I'm strong I feel I can do this, when I am weak I feel sorry for him. Wish I had ben the partner he wanted andmade him happy. I dont knowhowto switch those thoughts off.

OP posts:
Llareggub · 20/05/2012 23:15

I split with my husband 5 months ago and I have to be entirely honest with you: life on my own with 2 small children is so much easier than life with my alcoholic ex husband. There is nothing more empowering than coping alone.

I am relishing every moment and looking forward to a much happier future. I work full time and admittedly, single parents in our boat have to supremely organised. A good network of friends is good fr emergencies and wine.

Always have milk and bread in the freezer. Honestly, it will all be fine.

Dee03 · 20/05/2012 23:28

Its so good to be in control of your own life, trust me Smile

MomentarilyLost · 20/05/2012 23:46

:) Enjoy that calm and really revel in the thought that you don't have to put up with his rubbish any more.

It has got some much easier from me now I am no longer having to deal with my stbxh crap. Dealing with my dc and life in general.

Be proud of yourself.

Think about why he was making you unhappy, not that you weren't making him happy.

You can build a happy life with out him x

Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 23:48

Llareggub - thanks. Sorry your in the se situation but thanks for the positive post.

My ex also has a drink problem. He is supposed to be off it but hd was drunk on Friday night. He apologised on Saturday morning but not before he told me it was my fault!

I feel like there is so much to do, so much to sort out but I'm just going to take one day at a time. Starting with getting through the day tomorrow.

I'm off to bed. Going to try and get some sleep. Thanks to each and everyone of you that had taken the time out to post. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallamatterofperspective · 20/05/2012 23:51

Lost- good advice. That's what I'll do, concentrate on why he was making me unhappy. There were many things!!! I really am going to bed now. Thanks again.

OP posts:
SarryB · 20/05/2012 23:56

Not very useful, but you sound awesome. Working full time, getting a degree AND coping with PND and the after-math of the birth of your DD.

An inspiration, reminding me that my life really isn't so hard.

Pedigree · 21/05/2012 01:10

" was nervous about going away with him, hewouldhave been ashamed to be on the beach with me I know it.

I feel weirdly exposedand embarassed, like people will think, no wonder he had an affair, she really let herself go."

Hey, stop your imagination playing games with your self esteem. You need to stop thinking about this otherwise you will end up very hurt.

If it helps, I think you are in the normal shock we all go through with such a life changing decision. It is natural to be worried, stressed and feeling anxious about it. Your life is about to change a lot. But believe me, you will cope and eventually you will find that life is good and that you are feeling better about yourself.

Take one step at a time, be kind to yourself. Go and check the benefits calculator in entitledto.org.uk to see if you qualify for tax credits, that should take a big weight off your shoulders. And ensure you do some exercise daily (even in front of the TV) and eat healthy food, it will make you feel more relaxed and able to cope with the new challenges.

Teansympathy · 21/05/2012 06:51

You sound strong lady well done you for taking control, I know it is hard so hard at the time but I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, I brought up my DH for 21years on my own and work full-time for the last 20 years it does get better!, thinking of you take care onward and upward, your DH will give you so much hope strength and love to make you cope with this new life for you both.x

Llareggub · 21/05/2012 07:27

And another thing, I felt the same sense of shame too, but it quickly passed. I think it's a normal reaction. You do really find out who your friends are, some of the mums at school have been so helpful so do let people know if they need a hand. People tell me all the time that they are happy to babysit because thy enjoy sitting in someone else's house and knowing that they don't have to do any housework.

Enjoy the freedom.