So I am single, what now?

[Itsallamatterofperspective]

I started a thread on Friday but had it deleted as my ex knows my old name. I have re-registered and I am hoping for some handholding.

I have a 3 year old DD, my ex had an affair, blamed me. I beleived him, took him back but cant live with what he did and how he has treated me, bloody shoddily to be honest.

Its all such a well known story, he is a lovely man, great father, kind and faithful partner.......... the least likely man to have an affair........ but he did.

So after 7 weeks of hell, going backwards and forwards, taking him back, kicking him out. Its over and despite the anxiety there is a part of me that just knows I have done the right thing. I am so scared ofthe future, how will I cope, practically ( I work full time and I am skint!) emotionally etc.

I feel no man would ever want me. I had crippling PND, had to have 2 'repair' operations since my daughter was born, I am on anti-depresants and my ex tells me I dont have a very good bond with my dd. I have put on loads of weight and I am really unfit.

Despite all this I have had 2 promotions, worked full time and finished my degree, gaining a 2:1. So I know, somewhere in my heart that I can cope.

We were supposed to be going away next month, I am taking my best friend instead. I was nervous about going away with him, hewouldhave been ashamed to be on the beach with me I know it.

I feel weirdly exposedand embarassed, like people will think, no wonder he had an affair, she really let herself go. But I had such a hard few years. I really felt like we were coming out the other side. I guess he didnt feel the same way.

What an epic post. Thank you if you got to the end of it, feels cathartic to write it all out.

You'll enjoy the single life. When you get rid of the gobshite that is drip-feeding you such negative propaganda 24/7, when the brainwashing stops, you'll find out what a fantastic person you really are and feel ten times better. Good luck

Thanks.

I feel pretty low this morning. Ex is due here at ten ish and I'm working later today. I have made dd breakfast but can't seem to gird my loins to get anything done.

It's strange thus feeling it's like I get stuck and just can't do anything. I have washing to put out, tidying to do. I need to have a shower and get dd ready and I'm not doing anything.

Bloody hell as I write I'm thinking just get on with it. I don't want ex turning up here and thinking I have fallen apart.

Right, I have an hour. Can get a lot done in an hour. I'm going to get on with it.

It's pretty natural to find the situation stressful. If you're not ready for him to come over, postpone it perhaps? Only do what you're happy with and when you're ready. He's called the shots for far too long.

Don't be hard on yourself. I understand that feeling.

I still have moments like this but they are getting fewer.

I just came to the understanding with myself, it was ok that things felt impossible. It is natural. Its very stressful going through such a life change,my stress came out in a physical lock down at times.

I was on mn looking for mantras at one point recently and the one that has really been helping me is... this too shall pass. Because its so true. It passes. Go easy on yourself. Just do what you can. I felt at times paralysed literally. Everything felt impossible. I knew what needed doing but I couldn't get to the point of getting anything done very easily. When I stop being hard on myself and cut myself some slack it got easier. I started to deal with things little by little.

Keep going lovely, it gets easier promise.

And Sod what he thinks. If he is the kind of person to not cut you some slack right now,then use that for yourself, it gives you another reason you are so much better off leaving him behind.

Moments - thank you for the post. I realise you are having a crap time and it is so kind of you to take the time out to post, your advice, along with everyone elses is really helping me through this.

I am on my break at work. I got through this morning although I did have a nosy at his phone and he had text his sister saying he had the rug pulled out from under his feet again, he had nowhere to go and he was angry. I began to feel guilty but then I remembered, he did this. He is annoyed because I am staying in the house. I have offered to put it on the market but there is no point as there is no equity. It makes more financial sense for us to keep it on.

Trouble is we cant really afford for him to also rent somewhere but Im trying to think well thats his problem really. He couldnt stay in the house as he works late and couldnt look after dd. I can drop her off and pick her up every day. I can completley work my hours around childcare and he cant. But I cant afford to stay here without him contributing to the mortgage. I have suggested that I stay in the house with dd so her life is unchanged, we wait until the market improves or she is 18 then we sell it. He has agreed but I think he feels cheeted out of somewhere to live.

He had a bloody affair, finished with me and asked me to move out!!!!! Told me he was shallow and needed to be with someone that impressed him and Im not very impressive. Asked me not to beg him to come back as I was humiliating myself. Asked me to move out and go and stay in my friends spare room but still provide childcare of course. Twat.

Im writing all this out to remind myself not to feel sorry for him. He got himself in this mess and he is not my responsibility.

Hi Itsall You are doing really well ... please be preapred for him to agree to things like you staying in the house and then reneging when he has to pay for his own board and lodgings!

My 'D'H took 2 days to go from 'I'll help with the bills for as long as possible' to 'I want my equity from the house' 2 days later and then two weeks after that he wanted me to refund the bills that he'd paid just as he left!!!

He also got himself in this mess ... by having an affair ..

Please do not contact the twat about anything other than your DC .. he will sorely disappoint you as he does not care about anything other than himself .. you would think that after treating you like this he would have some remorse and want to make it up to you by being reasonable and decent but he won't - he's already emotionally moved on

Good luck - and keep posting! This board has been my lifeline :)

Thanks Kirsty. Have just sat down and worked out all my outgoings and incomings. I can afford to stay in the house, just........ Will have to get money savy. Won't have spare cash floating around. But can afford to keep the house, pay my bills, petrol in the car etc. I'm hoping it will be a liberating experience. I'm in charge of my own future.

Good news is, if I can struggle on as I am for 2 years I will have paid all my debts off and the future will look brighter!

Been thinking of ways I can save money. I can dye my own hair. Get organised, take lunch to work. Get a water meter. I'm also going to go up in the loft and get all the baby stuff down. I was saving it for the next baby! No need now, I think I will do a car boot sale.

I have a whole load if clothes that don't fit me anymore as I've put on weight. So need to buy any new clothes for a while. I'll just stock to the break up diet!!

Exp is on the computer now trying to sort out somewhere to live. What a mess. Ah well. That's his business.

As a wise mumsnetter said this too shall pass x

:)

Wow you are made of the stuff to make this really work for you. Savvy lady indeed.

Recovering from pnd, 2 promotion,getting your degree and finding the courage to end your relationship. I'm impressed anyway x

You are doing so well and I am very impressed. I had a similar story I had traumatic birth, PTSD and depression Ex had an affair and I got all the blame. He was a good husband father etc like yours however, now that he has gone I realise how manipulative and controlling he was in very subtle ways.

I just want to add that my life has improved enormously once I got over the initial shock and heartbreak. My bond with my DS is so much better as Ex is not here to take over all the time. My independence is back which was something he hated and had actually eroded little by little.

It may be crap now and hard and I expect you will have a fair few months where it is extremely hard and upsetting for you but it gets better, it really does and you will probably find your depression will lift. Mine has and I didn't even realise I was depressed!! I smile every day and look forward to everyday and I am so glad that selfish, lying twat is not my problem any more.

Oh and I lost 2 stone but I am still unfit LOL. I manage to live on £100 a month for food etc. Save a fortune shopping at Lidl no more takeaways at weekends. I have less junk in the house now he isn't here.

It is tough and your ex will disappoint you and will be an utter wanker I expect as they pretty much all seem to go that way. Let it all go over your head.

Plus I have recently started seeing a man who I have had more laughs and fun with in the past 6 weeks than I ever did with my Ex.

Good luck and stay strong. In 6 months time I am sure you will be in a much better place.