Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Has anyone applied for divorce for reasons of behaviour?

37 replies

keepingupwiththejoneses · 20/05/2012 20:58

As we are not separated and neither of us has been unfaithful that is the only reason I can apply for. There has been a lot of EA and FA right through our marriage.
My solicitor has asked me to come up with 4 or 5 instances of his bad behaviour. The problem is I just can't think straight. He has messed with my head so much I am just not sure what is reasonable or not! The other problem is that although he has never been physical with me, I am scared of him and what he will do!

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 20/05/2012 21:10

Hi, not done it but am likely to have to! This web site has a couple of pages that are useful. www.justdivorce.co.uk/unreasonable-behaviour.

It can be stuff as mundane as not coming in when he said he was going to, not paying bills on time, being deceitful in any way, or as big as adultery, violence and so on. If you want an uncontested divorce and your H is likely to agree then keep the reasons as general and non-confrontational as possible. If it will be contested anyway and will affect finances/child contact then you may have to find some big examples.

If you can't think straight then I suggest you read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that? www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 or some of the links on the Support thread here to remind yourself of the sort of thing you have been tolerating.

The main thing is that you must not have continued to live with him for more than 6 months after the event you quote...as you are still together that means finding egs. from this year really.

scary isn't it? But you will come out the other side. best wishes!

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 20/05/2012 21:13

It is scary! I think that is part of the problem, he doesn't see that any of his behaviour is wrong.

OP posts:

MuthaHubbard · 20/05/2012 21:15

Yes, I did when I divorced xh.

Things like:
financial secrecy - borrowing money on mortgage without my knowledge
emotional abuse/embarrassment - calling me names in front of family/dcs, refusing sexual advances
secrecy - planning (and going) on holiday to visit his family without telling me

hth

joanofarchitrave · 20/05/2012 21:16

My first husband divorced me for unreasonable behaviour. To be honest we colluded to get it done asap. Main reason was saying that I wanted children when I knew he didn't want them when I married him.

Maybe start by imagining you are going to get back together, tomorrow. What are the specific things you would dread most?

MuthaHubbard · 20/05/2012 21:16

wikivorce.com also very good for info etc and i went for a free hour session with a family solicitor to run past them the type of unreasonable behaviour they look for

worrydog · 20/05/2012 21:17

I have. I explained everything to my solicitor and she put it down in black and white much better than I could have done.
It doesn't have to be specific incidents, reading your op, you could put something about his behaviour being intimidating, and the effect the behaviour had on you, eg. made you feel anxious.
Stick to the truth, make a long list (even trivial things), your solicitor can then drop any which are not reasonable.
Good luck xx

Pandygirl · 20/05/2012 21:17

The reasons can be very basic as long as no-one is contesting then it's fairly straight forward.

I know that the following have been used:
Failure to complete DIY projects
Getting drunk at a party
Flirting with colleagues

It's only going to be an issue if he tries to contest it.

I'm sorry, divorce is horrible, I hope you're okay.

foolonthehill · 20/05/2012 21:22

keeping in his head it isn't wrong..he is entitled to do as he wishes because he is him.

Before I chucked the NSDH out 7 months ago we had a neighbour in a DV relationship, you should have heard him talking to her, telling her how awful it was, how a man should never physically intimidate/abuse/shout at a woman...all the time I was as he did all of this himself to me and DCs (plus much more). When I confronted him with this the next time he was shouting at our DS he explained (quite ferociously) that it was understandable for him to "lose it" because of the severe provocation and that we "drove him to it".

The things that others are not allowed to do, they are because they are sooooo special!

My NSDH has so far been chucked out of his DB's and DP's houses for similar reasons...he thinks they are unreasonable because he is entitled to be looked after. But he is a charmer and has so far not run out of free places to stay! he will, eventually.

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 20/05/2012 21:40

Fool he sounds just like H. He can treat me like shit because I deserve it. I have just done a little research and found 3 reasons off the top of my head. These are 1.Him telling ds he shouldn't be taking so much medication, that what he is taking is far too much for a child his age as there is nothing wrong with him then next day screaming at ds to take his meds (ds takes 4 tablets a day 3 prescribed by hie paed and a vitamin) 2, Him going out drinking 3-4 nights a week sometimes before the dc are even home from school, causing them to not see him as he doesn't come home till after bed time. 3, Him not financially contributing to the house hold and taking the CA he receives to go out drinking.
I may need to have a think about more.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 20/05/2012 21:46

try breaking it down into sections

Controlling behaviour eg DS and meds,
Entitled behaviour eg going out drinking, being allowed to spend what he likes, keeping money from you, using his time as he likes without reference to the family needs/wants
Disrespectful behaviour eg name calling,

Lueji · 20/05/2012 21:52

I'd say reason 3 would be enough in itself.

postmanpatscat · 20/05/2012 23:57

The points made above about it being contested are very important. I spent a lot of money getting an UB petition drawn up but my solicitor made it v clear that if my ex contested it, it would go nowhere (or we could go to court and talk openly about the sordid details, and spend ££££ on legal fees). So the first step after drawing up the petition was to send it to him, he scribbled his response on it and sent it back, I amended it a little (but some points were non-negotiable) and sent it back, he still wouldn't accept it. This dragged on for six months. By then we had been separated for almost two years so I asked my solicitor to ask if he would accept being divorced for 2 years separation instead and he agreed. Decree Absolute finally came through about three weeks ago (separated Jan 2009 but couldn't move out until April 2010, applied to court Jan 2011, nisi July 2011, financial hearings in Jan and Apr 2012).

If your ex is going to contest your UB petition, you might need to rethink.

Cashncarry · 21/05/2012 00:26

I agree with hungryhippos - it can be difficult to get the other party to agree an ub petition if it's brimming with harsh (but true) allegations.

I'd say try to think of more general points like lack of financial contribution, his unwillingness to spend time with the family, maybe the drinking. You could illustrate with examples and say how it made you feel e.g. The Respondent would spend most evenings in the local pub rather than with his family. This meant that the Petitioner was often caring for the children alone and caused her to feel isolated and resentful.

Also, it's often advised that allegations directly concerning the children should be avoided because it doesn't bode well for "good co-parenting".

Having said that if I was you, I'd pour myself a massive glass of wine one evening and just get it all down on paper - as many points as you can, always saying how the particular behaviour made you feel. It's cathartic and your solicitor can always edit later!

Conflugenglugen · 21/05/2012 08:23

Yes, I cited UB in my divorce. I was fortunate in that my ex-H and I were able to discuss the reasons so that there were no nasty surprises. It was a sad but rewarding process because it really did clarify the sad state of affairs that we were both in.

If you can't do that, I would agree not to write anything too inflammatory, and to perhaps ask someone to word it for you - your solicitor might help. Being as objective as possible can be equally hard-hitting, if not moreso.

Changethatbulb · 21/05/2012 08:41

I also cited UB in my divorce. There were a lot of 'skeletons in the cupboard' but I kept things as non-specific as possible:

spending time in the pub and coming in very late
not helping with the children in the morning
having to think through in my head what I was going to say before I said it to him
having to decide not to speak to him about certain things as he would lose his temper (no massive DV but I was scared of him)

There was much, much worse. But the above went uncontentested. He dragged it out as long as he could though. Signed everything on the very last day.

Good luck. You've had some great advice on this thread already.

NarcolepsyQueen · 21/05/2012 09:04

'Withdrawn love and affection' can be one. In other words - you don't feel loved.

'Doesn't take part in family life' as he goes out drinking 3/4 nights a week.

Your solicitor ought to be able to suggest some other non-confrontational exanples.

Good luck - it does get easier!

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 21/05/2012 20:03

Thank you all for you replies. I think I will have to keep the reasons more general. Change the last 2 you mention are exactly what is going on. He doesn't go out till very late but he does go out for up to 12 hours at a time, he can be out by noon most Saturdays.
I have had a really bad day today. What with everything that has been going on over the last few months I had forgotten to pay the last months council tax from last financial year, well about 9am this morning a bailiff turned up for the payment. I was out as I was at a training day in Manchester all day. He went totally ballistic, he phoned me screaming how I should never have been born and how he wanted to snap my jaw, I am a nasty evil bitch. This all as I am driving down the motorway on hands free. Then on my way home he rang again screaming again because, 2-3 weeks ago I told him to transfer his direct debits to his own account and even though I knew he hadn't done it, I cancelled them from our joint account and told him last week I wanted all of our finances separate. His van insurance hadn't been paid last week. He was screaming about how he was driving uninsured and that if he had knocked over a child he would end up in prison and it would all be my fault. He completely denied me telling him.
He has now said he will be out by the end of the week, god I hope he is

OP posts:

Cashncarry · 21/05/2012 20:15

Keeping - he threatened to snap your jaw . Please please report this. Even if you don't think he will follow through you must log it and see if the police will warn him re his behaviour. Please ring 101 tonight.

Even putting his threats aside, any anger over the bailiff or the bank account is completely unjustified and wholly unreasonable. He isn't contributing so why should it be your problem? He needs a bloody good kick up the arse.

If he threatens you in any way, shape or form tonight please please promise you'll call the police?

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 21/05/2012 22:27

I have emailed my solicitor and logged it with 101 but have asked they only log it, they where really good and just said that this happens a lot and if I need them to call back as they are only 10 mins at the most away even if they come from the station. He has of course denied it and gone out to the pub! Spoke to my mum tonight who has said not to worry about the solicitor fees until he has gone, she will help me out.
Thing is I can understand him being angry about the bailiff but he was totally ott and out of order, how I didn't have an accident is beyond me I was driving down the motorway sobbing.

OP posts:

Cashncarry · 21/05/2012 22:41

Keeping - you've done the right thing logging it and I hope their comment about only being 10 minutes away has reassured you that they're taking his behaviour seriously.

I think possibly you're giving him too much leeway being understanding about him being angry re baliff. From an outsider's perspective, you seem to be in charge of all the finances, childcare and general day to day running of the home whilst he does precisely dick. He should be angry with himself for not taking care of his responsibilities instead of leaving you to pick up the shit. On a separate note, I'm really surprised the Council chased you with baliffs before giving any prior warning. His anger should have been directed at them - anyway if he's got time to go down the pub, he's got time to visit the Council and pay the bloody bill, hasn't he?!

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 21/05/2012 22:49

It doesn't surprise me, they are terrible at the best of times, they only ever sent out 1 reminder then passed over to bailiffs, never mind when they are having to make another £20m in savings.
It has reassured me that the police are taking it seriously. Maybe I should have said annoyed not angry.

OP posts:

Cashncarry · 21/05/2012 23:07

Get on the phone to the Council tomorrow and give them hell - tell them what H said to you when the baliff turned up! Did you see my post on the Legal thread re the CA? (Sorry if that comes across as "stalker-ish" - I'm not honest - just really peed off on your behalf!)

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 22/05/2012 09:04

Already spoken to the council, horrid lot, just said you have to deal with the bailiff, if you have an issue with H call the police!
I did see you post, I have checked CA is counted

OP posts:

Finallygotaroundtoit · 22/05/2012 09:16

Just wanted to say that giving the Council 'hell' cos OP's DH is an idiot is ridiculous - it's the sort of deflecting he does.

Don't answer the phone when you're driving! Esp so since you know he's likely to rant

Original poster

keepingupwiththejoneses · 22/05/2012 14:49

I have no intention of answering the phone to him while I am driving again.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2