Marriage one year after affair

[seachange]

Really need to vent! Am struggling, and don't really talk about what happened with anyone in RL anymore. DH ended his 15 month affair just over a year ago. The good: he's completely different. Very involved with the DCs, works hard around the house, is v loving and affectionate, gets visibly upset and distressed at the thought of what he did. I would have given my right arm to have a husband like that a couple of years ago! Unfortunately it feels like I've had to give quite a bit more :(

The bad? I think I'm depressed. It's quite a struggle to get through the day, I have no energy, and one of the reasons DH is so good with the kids and the house is that he has to be - I'm not coping! Some days it feels like I wake up underneath a lead blanket. As well as getting over the affair, at the beginning of the year I found out DH had given me an STI which I'll have for life, and I spent a week in hospital due to complications. And I'm now 3 months pregnant. We were talking about having another DC, and I always wanted more, but then it happened SO quickly it was a bit of a shock! And of course morning sickness and pregnancy hormones are making everything 100 times worse.

Sometimes I think, it's ok, I've been through a lot, it takes time to recover. And other times I just feel lazy and guilty and useless. I haven't had any medication or counselling. I don't think I could take anything now, I don't feel like it's bad enough to risk the baby. And we can't afford counselling - I could ask the GP but think that would take weeks and I might feel better then?

Not sure why I'm posting really, just want to tell someone I guess. And I've read a few infidelity threads on here today with people wondering if it's possible for things to work out - it is, in a way, but it's bloody hard. I still think on a weekly if not daily basis "I can't do this!"

Thanks for reading/listening.

If you're depressed, it's not 'working out' at all. Depression, I've heard described recently, as 'anger turned inwards'.... so you're putting yourself down and calling yourself lazy and guilty ? when the person who genuinely deserves the anger is getting away with shattering your life and endangering your health, turning on the waterworks when he wants a bit more sympathy. I'm sorry but I think you've paid far too high a price for keeping this man in your life and things won't get any better.

My H's affair was also 15 months long and D day was this time last year too.

I don't think I could have coped with both a STI, hospitalisation and a surprise pregnancy on top of everything else, no wonder you are struggling

I really think you need help - go and see your GP.

I still think on a weekly if not daily basis "I can't do this!"

This bit is not good I do not feel like this at all. Why are you still with him and pregnant when you are feeling like this?

Thanks for replies :)

I think I will see the GP. Mum has DC tomorrow so can hopefully go then.

My feelings are so complicated. I think that so much is exacerbated by the pregnancy. I've gone back to worrying where H is and who he's talking to, when for ages that was so much better. I do wonder what it will be like to live with someone if I never really trust them again (ie, impossible, probably! :( ) but I can't make a decision on that based on my state at the moment, if that makes sense.

My gut feeling is that this depression is a period of the whole thing - like getting over a trauma or bereavement, you go the

Sorry!

You go through stages of grief, anger (DEFINITELY been there!) and depression is a stage too. I still stand by my decision, I think I just need help to do it!

I think the thing I'm also worried about with counselling is that the person I see won't understand either (the one H and I saw together for a couple of sessions told me she didn't get why I was staying with H at all, and that the kids would be absolutely fine if we split up). I know with MN people are honest and say exactly what they think (and I wouldn't have it any other way ) - that's the price you pay for posting! And I know many MNers would have done things differently.

Many MNers including me have stayed with their Hs after an affair.

However as you say its very tough, but with the additional pressures you have, it must be even harder on you.

I trust my H - and that is because he has been through counselling and is addressing the issues and flaws in him that led to his decision to have an affair. He has also looked at his boundaries - Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends was very helpful to us both. Has your H done those things?

Hi Sea, a year in is not much time at all. You will be struggling with this terrible pain.

How much do you talk? Has he given you an explanation?

Having taken back a cheating husband myself once, I know exactly why you've made the decision. Fear. I also recognise that terrible sinking feeling that things are never going to be quite the same, the depths you stoop to to try to save it, the relief when they seem to be making amends, turning a blind eye, kidding yourself etc. .... but, unfortunately, I also recognise the depression that happens when your self-esteem hits rock bottom. It is not a phase.... it's your life for as long as you stay together.

counselling or cbt are all about you, they will not tell you what to do. speak to your midwife and Dr both in fact... if you have depression, anti natal depression... they should refer you as priority as you will be high risk for pnd.
I too am close to my 1st year D day... mine slightly different tho... my h wasn't seeing women (he preferred other things)
sending a big hug, be kind to yourself
I have been through cbt and counselling for pnd which I blame my h for. I know how much of a difference it can make

MAHC - everything that brings me down now is about H and his actions during that 15 month period (and before, obv didn't happen in a vacuum). We went through the NJF book, talked about it loads (and still do when I need to). We had a few joint counselling sessions and he had a few alone with a friend of his who is a minister. I can check his phone whenever I like and he'll send me a pic of who he's with if I ask (which I was doing less and less until I got pregnant).

I need help with flashbacks, and forgiveness (for someone who is genuinely trying), and just acceptance and moving on I think. If there was anything new he'd be out like a shot. I know that I'm not staying because I think I can't do this by myself.

Thanks for replying :)

Abitwobblynow - thanks. I remember other posters saying it can take 2 years before you start to feel normal again - I think I would give it that long.

CES - I'm so sorry it worked out like that for you. I know it's a possibility - am just not willing to call it quits just yet.

belagh - thanks for the encouragement. I think I will phone tomorrow. I just needed MN to give me a push. It's just I need a push with everything at the moment!

You poor thing!

The sti must be incredibly hard to deal with. Very hard to forgive that. Do you mind if i ask which one it is? Just wondering which one can cause complications that can put you in hospital!

It does really sound like you are depressed. I was depressed whilst pregnant too and started medication and counselling when my baby was a few months old. Whether or not splitting up would help i can't say, but i am wondering.

You may find reading this thread helpful:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1468112-So-after-the-affair-bubble-has-burst-and-your-husband-begins-to-realise-the-magnitude-of-what-hes-done-where-did-that-leave-you-I-feel-kind-of-stuck-not-moving-backwards-but-not-moving-forwards-ei?pg=2

Sea, you sound as though you are doing fine. Don't be hard on yourself and know actually you have to go through the processing of this new reality.

It HURTS. It hurts so much, but there is only one way through it, and that is through it (whether you go, stay, single or reconciling).

PPIMT - (everyone else beware TMI - I always share way too much on here!) it was herpes :( because it was so painful to wee I avoided going as much as I could and my system shut down. Had to go to a&e. Couldn't go on my own for over 2 weeks . Felt knocked out for ages :( Being in hospital is draining enough, I felt institutionalised v quickly, without the added emotional wallop of it being DH and his actions that put me there!

I am worried about how I will feel about the baby. The pregnancy is different already as of course how I view DH has completely changed - there's not that total sense of trust and reliance that I had before. I feel like this baby is against all the odds, it shouldn't even really exist! Sometimes it feels like a miracle, and sometimes I think it can't possibly work :(

Oh how awful.

I don't think I would be able to forgive this. My FIL had an affair and caught herpes. My MIL escpaed catching it as he had a madonna/whore thing going on and didn't really sleep with her at the time.

She tried to mend the marriage and struggled on for a decade. She was utterly miserable. She went down the counselling route and found it really helpful. One day she decided she had had enough and she left. Never looked back. She said he started making advances towards her after his confession but she couldn't forgive him. He had brought something into their marriage that would serve as a constant reminder of his affair and affect their sexual behaviour forever.

She went through a deep depression too. I think you really need to talk this through. Are you having regrets about the pregnancy? Are there any health risks now because of the herpes infection?

Remind yourself that the baby is part of you as well as part of him. That baby is nothing but goodness and an innocent part in all this. Look for yourself in the baby and focus on that.

Was it catching the herpes which made you realise he had been unfaithful or were you already aware?

MAHC thanks for the link, will def read.

QEL - your poor MIL. Hope she's doing ok now. I don't regret the pregnancy, I just thought I would have more time to get used to the idea. It was fairly instant. The only risk is if I have a bad attack during labour which might mean a c-section to avoid passing it on. V small chance of that though.

PPIMT - we'd been working on the marriage for 9 months when I found out. I can see how at a different time that would have been it. We'd both been for STI checks but apparently they don't check for that - think it depends on the area

tip for flash backs... hair band on wrist.... twang it. the light pain diverts your thoughts

How do they check for it? I thought herpes and genital warts were undetectable until you had an attack? Is that not true?

They should have told you that though.

Ha, will try that! Great if it works.

You can have a blood test apparently, but it's not routine. Dr said it was because if you have it you have it, no treatment except to help with attacks.

I'm so sorry to see you back on here Seachange. But many congratulations on your pregnancy! Please try & think of the bundle of joy you're going to have!!! You're already a fabulous mum & I'm sure little bean will be a joyful addition.

However, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch even though it's quite understandable considering the added trauma of your illness.

I'm nearly at the '2 year' mark post affair. I can't say if it's easier or harder. There are still times of complete anxiety & I still question whether I made the right decision of staying with my H. Nothing has happened that have caused me great suspicion but it is the flashbacks & the thoughts of 'well, he did it once' that I find hard.
I would try your GPs, and try & get some counselling through them. You may have had a dodgy one last time but you never know until you try again.

Lately we have experienced family illness & close friends' marriage breakdowns, and I can say that it's put another perspective on how I see things. Little steps Seachange, little steps. Also think of his steps too, which is what I keep reminding myself to do when I'm harking back to those dark days.

Yeah but it could prevent it being passed on because the person with it would be more on the lookout!

Sheba, so good to hear from you! :) And thank you.

Wow, 2 years on? Well done you. Thanks for posting, it sounds so similar to how I feel. I'm so glad that it sounds like you're making it though.