Marriage one year after affair

[seachange]

Really need to vent! Am struggling, and don't really talk about what happened with anyone in RL anymore. DH ended his 15 month affair just over a year ago. The good: he's completely different. Very involved with the DCs, works hard around the house, is v loving and affectionate, gets visibly upset and distressed at the thought of what he did. I would have given my right arm to have a husband like that a couple of years ago! Unfortunately it feels like I've had to give quite a bit more :(

The bad? I think I'm depressed. It's quite a struggle to get through the day, I have no energy, and one of the reasons DH is so good with the kids and the house is that he has to be - I'm not coping! Some days it feels like I wake up underneath a lead blanket. As well as getting over the affair, at the beginning of the year I found out DH had given me an STI which I'll have for life, and I spent a week in hospital due to complications. And I'm now 3 months pregnant. We were talking about having another DC, and I always wanted more, but then it happened SO quickly it was a bit of a shock! And of course morning sickness and pregnancy hormones are making everything 100 times worse.

Sometimes I think, it's ok, I've been through a lot, it takes time to recover. And other times I just feel lazy and guilty and useless. I haven't had any medication or counselling. I don't think I could take anything now, I don't feel like it's bad enough to risk the baby. And we can't afford counselling - I could ask the GP but think that would take weeks and I might feel better then?

Not sure why I'm posting really, just want to tell someone I guess. And I've read a few infidelity threads on here today with people wondering if it's possible for things to work out - it is, in a way, but it's bloody hard. I still think on a weekly if not daily basis "I can't do this!"

Thanks for reading/listening.

Hello you! Blimey you are going through it at the mo . Congratulations on your pregnancy.

It must be a total head wreck with everything going on at the moment, and I would definitely recommend some sort of counselling. Pregnancy can be such a hard time even in a 'normal' relationship, that I'm not surprised you are finding things difficult. Sending giant hugs.

As you know my life took the other path, and I do sometimes think it is probably the easier one emotionally. Although I still feel pretty damaged by the breakdown of the relationship. Both paths are bloody difficult.

Your H sounds as if he is doing all the right things which is good, and I suppose that if you had left him, and then met someone else, you would still have these trust issues hanging over you. I know that any future relationship I have will have to deal with the scars from my failed marriage, so in that way both paths are quite similar.

Sorry, Im waffling on and probably not being even remotely helpful. So I'll send you and the baby a giant load of hugs again, because hugs are great!!!! x

Hi, I don't want to crash your thread but was reading and just thought I'd mention that I have lived with herpes for over 10 years now and have only had about 5 attacks in that time none of which were anywhere near as bad as the first. (The first is normally the worst one)

I've also had 2 dc and both were fine. I notice I get attacks when I'm VERY run down so try to avoid that and also lots of stress (hard I know)

R.E the affair, it does get easier and it sounds like he's trying to help you as much as you need.

Sorry, I hope it doesn't sound like I was minimising the affair, just that I know all about herpes. :)

Hi LaWobble, thank you :) honestly, just talking about it is SO helpful, I feel better already. Pretty much all our RL friends are joint ones and I don't want to say negative things about H to them, and we've made new friends since who don't know what happened, so it's all quite bottled up atm.

I do day-dream about ending the relationship sometimes, what it would be like to be free of trying to trust and forgive, and make a life with someone who completely betrayed me. The H I have now is someone I can see a future with, but of course he's also the man who did all that, and that makes my head hurt (to say the least!).

Hugs much appreciated

DT, don't worry it's fine. I think people must experience it differently - I'm on my 4th attack in 5 months :( I'm guessing it's the stress and my immune system being lowered because of the pregnancy - am hoping that once I feel better and the baby is born it won't be an issue.

Talking is good. It's also hard for me to talk to people now because it's so old and boring (to them!).

Also, this whole thing is still such an emotional rollercoaster, but for me, and hopefully you too, the dips are less pronounced, and the periods of stability are longer. I just did a random check on my old posts and found something less than a month ago where I was banging on about happy I was being single. And I meant every word at the time! And here I am tonight banging on about how sad I am that relationships have been trashed for me.

So the rollercoaster for you must be quite violent at the moment with the pregnancy, STI and all the rest of it. Keep talking, it helps to let that poison out!!!

Off to bed now, and you should too - you are pregnant after all .

Night night, try and switch off your brain now and get some sleep, it's good NOT to think about stuff constantly x

Lol, wise words! Night x (I actually had turned the light off and put the phone down but thought I'll just refresh one last time to see if anyone has replied... D'oh! Am now going to chuck phone under bed, promise...)

Yes, defo sounds like the stress and being run down :( be kind to yourself sea

Even lack of sleep would bring it on for me so try to sleep if you need to. (Which I know you're doing now so won't possibly see this till the morning)

Goodnight

Yes Seachange, 2 years has gone by. Like you, I try not saying anything in RL as I think people are bored of it, and also worried they would think 'well why the hell are you still together'!

If you recall my original post was this time last year, about one year on, and so it is quite normal to feel like you do. When I recall things, it still takes my breath away, the deceit, lies and hurt. Yet if I take a step back, I am certain things are much improved. Which is what you seem to feel too, deep down.

Your illness must have a debilitating affect on you, mentally and physically, so please go easy on yourself!

Hope you've had a good nights sleep! X

Sheba, the thing I can't get my head round is that for them, once it's over, it's over. They never want to think about it again [where was lusty luuuuuurve is now plain shame], whereas for us our entire life has been shattered. So I have heard 'I never loved her, it didn't mean anything'.

'So what are you? Stupid, or just plain evil! HOW could you do that? I wasn't exactly ecstatic, but I didn't betray us!'

goes round in my head in a loop, and of course there is no answer to that.

Went to the DRs this afternoon. I told her what had happened and how I felt, and she was sympathetic and said it sounded like I could do with talking it through with a professional. So far so good, until the dr started on about how it would be interesting to think about what it was a man gets from his mistress that he doesn't from his wife? WTF? Oh, and that she feels some sympathy with the men because these women get their claws into them. My heart sank, I didn't say anything just clammed up, and the dr gave me the number (which turned out to be wrong!) for the perinatal mental health team. So not the best start.

Anyway, got home, finally got through to the team and gave all my details over the phone to the receptionist who was filling out a referral form for me. The drs on the team will discuss my case next Monday, but I'm a bit worried that I didn't say enough. I didn't really say anything, just that I was feeling depressed and tired and had no energy - I just couldn't face going through it all again about the affair and STI etc etc. I'm sure the girl on the phone was really nice but she sounded about 16 and I thought do I have to give the whole sordid story to everyone I talk to?

So I've no idea what will come of it, and I feel worse after all that than I did when I started!

Oh Seachange, so sorry to hear of your visit today. Please persevere though, you may get some good out of it.
I'm staggered by your GP's comments - is she an android?! Try and remember to get an update next week, do not let it put you off.

Wobbly, yes I understand what you mean. To them, it's something they can just say to themselves it's over. I know my H did take a while to emotionally detach, hence I started a thread last year. But he then did take himself off for counselling, something I never thought he would do. He came back from them a different person. There are still times whereby he is so grief stricken by what he did, and I actually react quite badly to them. On the whole, he has changed but it has only been since last Sept or so. There was a long long period of ambivialence (sp?) to which I know the darling WWIFN hugely helped me to see through, even though at the time I didn;t take heed to her advice.

Seachange, please look after yourself and bean. This week's weather is predicted to be glorious so try and make the most of it. Then it will another week down and you may feel a bit more positive. DOes H actually know how you feel at the moment? I know that he may not be the best person you want to talk to, so carry on on here!

Grrr at your GP's comments. Sorry its been a crap day.

I think its important that you keep talking to your H about how you are feeling - he is after all responsible for the mess.

I also agree that deciding to stay together is not necessarily the easiest option - I used to fantasise about being single when I was struggling with the fact that its so hard being with the man who hurt you terribly. Fortunately I am past that stage but I do understand those who decide to start afresh by ending their marriage.

Unfortunately Sea it seems you have to go through it to get the devastating trauma. That Dr is still dispensing old fashioned 'what needs of his weren't being met' BULL.

Sheba do you have a link to your thread?

Seachange sorry to hear your GP was such an arse. Do you have a midwife or health visitor you can talk to?

I'm not sure if I've linked it correctly but here goes..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1178609-Recovery-after-an-affair

Seachange, hope you've had an OK evening after today's events..

actually talking does help, it's like draining an infection!
I have told a grand total of 5 people the exact reason, oh and my counselor. then about 2 or 3 more know he cheated but i have not elaborated further.

you Dr is a prat (not the word I did use but it's the cleanest description) the different treatment that we get is ridiculous! do they have no empathy for trauma? there is a hard core who still think there was something wrong for a cheater to cheat... nah men cheat!

there were a couple of book I read, just after... I will find the titles... not necessary to read whole book but certain chapters on how to heal and move forward.

How are you today seachange x